Selfgentleness In Action - S6: What's Your Story?

Femke discusses in the sixth session of her Selfgentleness in Action Lives how you can use Selfgentleness to start living your life from a different perspective. She discusses how we can hold ourselves back by holding on to the 'old stories' we have been using for so long, and how selfgentleness offers a different perspective. As always, Femke ends with a guided practice to let you explore for yourself how you can use her words and start to change the narrative of your life.

Join Femke's Lives every second Friday of the Month in person, and ask your questions! Sign up for her Insight Timer Lives via Femke's profile. This time, the topic was a request from a regular participant. This is the recording that took place on 13 June 2025.

Transcript

Hello everyone!

Welcome to my Self-Gentleness in Action,

Session number 6 of 2025.

Welcome!

My name is Femke Bakker,

Self-Gentleness teacher,

Meditation teacher here on Inside Timer,

And I'm really happy to see you,

Because every second Friday of the month I'm here for my Self-Gentleness in Action series.

This is the very first time since I'm doing this,

This is with a whole new live.

This is not the very first time I'm doing a live,

This is,

I think,

About my 200th of live.

I'm doing this since 2020,

But I do have a new interface,

And I remember this from last time,

But there are some new things,

Some new tricks.

If you've been to lives,

You might have played with it already,

But I have promotional cards.

Let's try one.

So,

If you like my work,

If you're not following me yet on Inside Timer,

I really would love for you to follow me,

And you can do that here.

Let's see.

It's the very first time I'm trying this.

Yes,

You see,

There's my profile,

And when you click on it,

You can follow me,

And if you follow me already,

Thank you so much,

And then bring me to the attention of other people.

Let's focus a little bit.

So,

What is the topic of today?

The topic of today is,

What's your story holding you back?

And I really love this one,

Because I think human beings are storytellers.

We are storytellers.

Take a look at how many books we read,

How many TV series we binge-watch,

Or just watch,

How many movies we like to see,

How much we like at work to come together and tell our stories,

Listen to the stories of other people.

We are storytellers,

And in whatever way you want to see it,

This is something that belongs to being human,

I think.

What also belongs to being human is the stories that we tell ourselves about us.

And I don't only mean stories that we tell to other people,

Because we want to appear,

We want to have control over the narrative,

And that control sounds a little bit cynical,

And I don't mean it like that.

I think it's not so conscious,

Actually,

In most of the cases.

But today,

Especially,

I want to focus on the story that we tell ourselves.

Well,

Before I get into that,

Let's just welcome you,

See who is here today.

I see,

Let's see.

Hi,

Petta Brook,

Good morning to you.

Nancy,

Megan,

John,

Mary,

Randy,

Lovely that you are here.

Yeah,

I missed you too,

Randy.

Great to see you.

Hi,

Luanne.

Good sunny afternoon.

We had already had some contact today,

Luanne.

Hi,

Gilbert.

You love my Dutch energy.

Well,

Thank you so much,

Gilbert.

That's nice to hear.

Hi,

Christina.

Narratives.

Yes,

That's what we're going to speak about.

Marina.

Lucy.

Hi,

Lucy.

So good that we are back.

Yeah,

I love that too.

All right.

So,

Let's start,

Right?

So,

If you are here for the first time,

Then I just want to tell you what I'm doing.

So,

I'm Femke Bakker,

Self-gentleness teacher.

And let me then just start with the definition of self-gentleness.

I coined the concept a few years ago,

And my definition is this.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Yeah.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

And what does that mean?

Well,

We all have this moment that we can be gentle to ourselves,

Right?

That we are proud of something we did or said,

That we are proud of an achievement,

Or we just have a good day and we feel good about ourselves.

In those cases,

It is easy to be gentle.

So,

We all have a reference to being gentle with ourselves,

Which makes it generally easier to think of gentleness towards ourselves.

Because,

Like,

Um,

When you're on the quest to start loving yourself,

That sometimes might be more tricky,

Because love is a really,

Really big word.

And one of the stories that we like to tell ourselves,

Whether it's conscious or not,

Is that we need to deserve that love,

That we have to be good people ,

Um,

Following the expectations that people have of us,

Society has of us,

We have of ourselves,

And only then we deserve that love.

Which is rubbish,

By the way.

If you've been here more often,

You know that I've been speaking about that.

But I'm just telling you to contrast it with the word gentleness,

Which is easier,

Which is gentler,

Which is feasible,

Doable,

Because we all have those moments.

And then,

Let me repeat my definition again,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

So radically,

Always.

Also,

When you mess up,

When you trip and fall,

When you make a mistake,

When you do something bad,

Still you deserve your own gentleness.

Radically.

And consistently,

That you hold on to the gentleness towards yourself,

Also when you're vis-a-vis other people,

Who might have expectations of you to fulfill,

And you feel that if you do not fulfill those,

You do not deserve your own gentleness.

But that's a wrong assumption,

A wrong presumption.

You always deserve your own gentleness.

And that is why I'm here as a self-gentleness teacher,

To remind you of that.

That's basically all that I do.

I always say,

I'm not your guru.

I'm not a guru at all.

I don't even have the ambition to be that.

What I'm doing here is to remind you of something that is already inside you,

Deep inside you.

And that's the knowledge that you are always worthy,

Always lovable,

That you are love,

And that you deserve that gentleness towards yourself,

No matter what.

And of course,

This is the pathway to that self-love.

But that big word,

You don't even have to use that word,

Self-gentleness.

That's enough,

When you find it.

And you don't even have to work hard for it.

I was today speaking with a really dear friend of mine about that.

And I was telling her that I'm really working hard on building my new website,

And that it's so much fun to really dive into the words that you use,

And to think about,

What people do I want to reach?

And then I thought,

Yeah,

This is for people like you,

Who have been working on themselves,

Who have been meditating,

Doing yoga,

Reading self-help books,

Did all kinds of programs,

Maybe even went to therapy,

And you've done so much work,

And you did it.

You are healing yourself.

You are getting more and more in the prime of your own self-gentleness.

But sometimes life happens.

And then suddenly,

It seems like everything that you learned,

Everything that you have been applying with so much success,

Is out of the window.

And that's not true.

And that is where I come in.

I can teach you.

I teach you.

I help you.

I point you in the direction of that innate self-gentleness that rests in you,

That is there for you always,

That you can tap into to basically make your life feel like ease,

To find the joy that you can have in your life,

To not work so hard,

To not make all those efforts,

To not be improving yourself all the time.

You're exactly right as you are.

That is self-gentleness.

And I think that if you've been here more often,

I have been speaking about self-gentleness a lot,

But really working on articulating again what it is that I mean and with what kind of people I want to connect really helps me to say it now in a different way,

Right?

So if you've been here a long time,

I'm really curious if you do hear that nuance that I really love.

All right.

So self-gentleness,

That's me.

I'm a master of self-gentleness,

And it doesn't mean that I'm self-gentle all the time.

I wish.

No,

I'm not.

There are many things that I still trip over,

And the truth is,

I will for the rest of my life,

Because becoming self-gentle is a work-in-progress process,

Lifelong work-in-progress process,

And that's okay.

Mastering self-gentleness is not being it all the time.

It is recognizing when you are not,

And then knowing to find your way back to that self-gentleness,

Whether just the realization that you're not is enough to be there,

Or maybe it takes you an hour or a day or maybe a week or maybe two weeks,

Depending on the topic,

Because life happens,

And there are things that we are carrying with us that are just latent there and can be suddenly triggered,

And that's the moment where you realize that you're a master of self-gentleness,

Because you cannot stand it anymore not to be self-gentle,

And then you're going to find your way back to that self-gentleness,

And that is the art,

That is the beauty,

That is exactly what I'm teaching here.

So today we're speaking about what's the story,

What's your story holding you back?

So we have the stories within our societies,

Like,

If you know a few,

You could share them even,

But the only success comes after really hard work,

For instance,

Right?

Take a look around you,

Take a look around at the people who are in the common eye successful,

Which I mean,

They work hard,

They maybe have a lot of money,

Or at least they're getting enough money to do their things.

This is some kind of weird way,

A parameter for success,

And we think that we can only achieve that by working hard.

That's a story that we are holding ourselves onto,

And a story that for many people who want to succeed in life or have the ambition to get somewhere,

So they work really,

Really hard,

And there's nothing wrong in that if it makes you happy,

But a lot of people are then ignoring the good things of life that are not part of that hard work,

Like partners,

Spouses,

Family,

Parents,

Friends,

Leisure,

Vacation,

Resting,

Doing nothing,

Daydreaming,

Staring out of the window,

Swimming,

Making a walk in nature,

Listening to the birds singing,

Just sitting somewhere on a bench in the middle of nowhere because you just like to sit and watch people.

We forget sometimes to smile at other people when we meet them or to just say something nice,

And again,

I'm not saying that hard work is wrong,

Not at all.

When it makes you happy,

When it feels good to you,

It's the most self-gentle thing you can do,

But is it the story that you're telling yourself?

Yeah,

I'm a workaholic because it makes me feel really good when I work a lot.

We examine that.

Is that a true story for you,

Or is it something that you've picked up and that you're pushing yourself over?

One of those stories.

So another story,

I think I mentioned it already,

Is,

And that is a story that we tell ourselves in our head,

Not so explicitly very often,

But it is that we have to be good girls and good boys to be loved.

And of course,

That is rooted in the times when we were children,

When our parents tried to raise us like responsible children to become responsible adults,

And they had this package of rules.

Well,

Most of us,

I had what my father called a free upbringing,

Which is,

Let's say,

The other side of that.

But in general,

We have rules.

I went to school,

There were rules.

There were rules that told you if you were good or not.

You had to have a grade that was sufficient,

Or even better,

The higher your grade,

The more praise you got,

The more worthy you felt.

And those are not wrong things in themselves,

But these are stories that are around us,

That we have created together,

That we believe in,

That these are the roads to making a success of yourself,

Whatever that may be.

And we hold on to those stories,

And sometimes at our own expense.

And what is at our own expense?

And let's just get to the core of that self-gentleness,

The expense of listening to what is going on within you truly.

What it is that you need,

And the moment,

What it is that you feel in your body,

The message your body is telling you.

So,

Ask yourself,

How many times have you been doing something,

Feeling that your body starts to be tired,

And that you just pushed through?

Maybe you were making a walk,

Or you were shopping,

Or you were actually working and lifting things,

And you noticed that your feet,

Or your back,

Or your arm were telling you,

Hey,

I'm aching a little bit,

Let's do something else,

Let's relax,

Let's stretch,

Let's shake.

Sorry,

That was an alarm clock.

Let's shake,

Let's move that body,

Let's do something to release the pain,

To release the tension,

To release the tiredness,

Maybe I should sit down,

Maybe I should take a nap,

Or sleep.

So,

How many of you have done that,

Have pushed through the messages of your body?

I know I have,

I know I do.

So,

I'm working a lot behind the computer,

I'm working in a university,

Where at the moment I'm thesis grading,

And I'm really a lot behind the computer,

And then I start to feel the tension in my shoulders,

But when?

Very often after I've been sitting too long,

And I forget,

Because I want to get it over with,

And then I don't feel the tension,

But basically my body is telling me,

You cannot have it over with at my expense.

I'm tensing up here,

Take a break,

Do some yoga,

Move a little bit,

Stretch a little bit.

So,

It's a very common thing,

For me this remains a struggle,

Because I've been programming myself all my life to push through,

Even when my body is telling me that I need to relax.

I think it's a very common thing.

Okay,

So these are like the general things that have to do with our take on life,

And how we are standing in our society,

And things like that,

But there are of course also stories that we tell ourselves to avoid making decisions,

Or to avoid doing things,

Avoid following dreams,

Avoid tuning in,

And listening to what it is that you truly need,

And want,

And desire.

So,

At the core of self-gentleness stands the practice of tuning in.

That's the foundational practice,

And when you look here on Insight Timer,

You can find all kind of tracks,

And the free tracks,

And the premium tracks,

That are about that self-gentleness,

That are these tuning in practices.

If you have premium,

Here I'm going to experiment again with the cards.

I really would love for you to follow this course.

It's basically a course of four days.

It looks like a seven-day course,

And that is because there are three bonus audios.

So,

In four days you learn the core foundational work of self-gentleness,

And then there are the three practices that you can do.

It's an evening practice,

And it's a morning practice,

And it's a tuning in practice for during the day.

I know most people would think,

Oh,

Morning practice and evening practice,

But start with the evening practice.

There is a logic to it.

So,

The tuning in practice,

That is the moment where we consciously take a moment to just sit,

And feel,

And be with that inner voice,

That really wise,

Very quiet,

Gentle,

Patient inner voice,

Benign,

Loving inner voice,

That will tell you what it is that you need.

And the beauty is that when you start practicing the tuning in on a regular basis,

So let's say you decide that you will tune in every day for two minutes.

Doable,

Right?

We have two minutes.

Even when you're really,

Really busy,

You do have two minutes.

You could even do it when you're in the restroom,

And anyway,

You're sitting down,

You have two minutes,

Or on a commute,

Or when you're standing in line,

Or when you're cooking.

There are all those minutes,

All those moments where you can take those two minutes.

And what you do is basically just paying attention and asking yourself,

How are you doing?

What's going on?

And what is it that you want right now?

And there comes the story in.

When you tune in and you ask yourself,

What is it that I need right now?

What is it that I want right now?

The answer,

If you can hear it,

Because that's another challenge that sometimes people find it really hard to really listen what is going on,

But that's something that you can learn pretty quick.

But then you get an answer,

And the answer might be something,

That you need something that you cannot do now.

That feels like a really big hurdle that is impossible to do now.

And that's where our stories come in.

Because the true story for everyone would be,

When you tune in and you connect to what it is that you need right now,

This is what you need right now.

You can make all kinds of stories in your head that there is no time,

Or something else is expected of you,

Or people are relying on you,

Or you're responsible for this or that.

And that might be all true in your story.

But the true story is that there is something that you need right now.

So the tuning in moment,

It's not just a practice to learn that moment of tuning in.

It's also an excellent practice to become aware of what stories are holding you back to be there for yourself,

To have your own back,

To be gentle to yourself,

To follow what it is,

What you need,

Why you do not sit down when your feet are hurting,

Why you get up in the morning when you are so very tired that you actually should not get up,

Why you are saying yes to your colleague when you have already too much work to do but you still feel you cannot say no.

All those stories that you then tell yourself why you should go against what you need,

What you want,

What you desire,

That is a story that is holding you back.

So in a minute I will guide you in a meditation and we're going to explore this a little bit.

Because I listen to myself and I think,

Oh I may be a bit strict,

But by all means that's not what I want to convey to you.

What I do want to convey to you is that it's all okay.

So you tune in,

You listen,

You hear what you need and then the story pops up and it's telling you that you cannot do it and now you are aware of that story.

But I understand that you ask me now but Femke then I have a problem.

Because one hand I know what I need and on the other hand I have my story that tells me that it's impossible to need this right now and this is a clash and this is exactly when I'm not self-gentle anymore.

Because I start to beat myself up.

Because if I listen to the inner voice I will beat myself up because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

And if I'm going to do what I'm supposed to be doing and do not listen to what I need,

Then I start to beat myself up that I am not self-gentle again.

Either way I'm not self-gentle anymore.

So what can I do?

And this is exactly what I was speaking about before.

This is when life just happens and it trips us up and that's okay.

That's the very first step,

To be just okay with that.

So as a really beautiful practice in between,

Because it's transformation,

You cannot be not self-gentle and suddenly very self-gentle.

It's a process,

Right?

Like I said.

But a practice that will really help in such a moment is to first acknowledge what it is that you need,

To really truly let yourself know that you have received that message,

That there is something that you need,

Or want,

Or desire.

It's not just needs.

It can also be something that you're really longing for,

That you would love to do,

Or have,

Or be.

That you acknowledge that.

And then that you reasonably assess,

Can I give this to myself right now?

Or is there some truth to that story?

Because I've been living that story so long that I have to obey the story.

So let me give an example.

In the morning you wake up and you ask yourself,

What is it that I need right now?

And you think,

I have to sleep.

I'm so tired.

I just need to sleep.

So you acknowledge the tiredness.

You acknowledge that this is something that you need.

Then the story pops in.

Yes,

But I have a big meeting in two hours and I'm expected at my work.

And if I don't come,

People would get angry or maybe I get fired.

And the story runs further.

So in such a moment,

Like I said,

There is no self-gentle decision for this or that,

That will make you feel good.

So then what you will do is telling yourself,

Okay,

I hear that I'm really tired and this is what I need.

I also hear that I have to go to my work right now.

It would not be self-gentle to ignore those responsibilities because I would not feel good about myself and I would beat myself up.

Let me first assess,

Can I really not go?

What would happen if I would not go?

Would that really be so terrible?

Or can I maybe call in sick and just so I can sleep?

That might be a possibility.

If not,

Then you just promise yourself,

Okay,

I will get up.

I will go to my work.

I will do that meeting.

However,

When it's done,

Then I will call it a day and go home.

Or then at my lunch break,

I will go and make a walk in nature.

Or I will cancel my evening plans,

Go home and go to bed early.

Or,

Or,

Or.

So you make like a compromise where you do acknowledge the need and you promise yourself you will come back to it later.

And this is a promise that you will keep.

So it sounds maybe all a bit complicated,

But this is just for the phase in between.

The moment that you start to tune in on a regular basis,

You start to tune in what it is that you actually want and need and desire,

Something shifts.

It becomes easier to be aware of the things that you need every day.

Even more,

It becomes really annoying,

Really painfully hurting almost when you're not self-gentle,

When you're not tuning in,

When you're not aware of what is going on.

I sometimes joke,

Beware when you start being self-gentle because when you've crossed that bridge,

You cannot go back anymore.

You cannot be not gentle with yourself anymore without suffering from it.

And that's a good thing because when you suffer from something,

You don't want it and you will help yourself to get there,

But it's not necessary.

When you start to be self-gentle,

You will never have to be suffering from that.

So when you practice tuning in on a regular basis,

Let's say every day for maybe just two minutes a day,

And you do this for about 30 days,

You really start to shift something within you.

You start to feel better what it is that you need and it will be easier to honor it.

Because when you are sooner aware of tiredness,

Of the need to say no,

Of overwhelmment,

Or the desire to have some rest,

Or the desire to do something completely different,

Or whatever is going on,

You will act sooner.

So at the moment when you're not so much self-gentle,

You have trained yourself already to push yourself over those limits and to notice it way too late.

But by practicing this,

You come closer and closer to that inner voice that tells you what it is that is good for you in every moment in time and it will become easier to do so.

So the stories that are holding us back can sometimes be really massive and they are very often connected to the stories that we told ourselves as children for instance.

So when we are children and we are so loved by our parents most of the time,

But they also tell us things or they respond from their own needs and wants and traumas and things that have happened.

And as a kid you so much want your parents to always be happy with you in the moment that they seemingly are not.

Kids don't really understand that and they start to blame themselves.

And it might not be a very conscious process,

But it's a process that sticks with us and that is reinforced every time we do something that we think is wrong.

And sometimes it is not even wrong,

But we just assume that because a teacher looks a bit cranky and we think it's because of us and we do not realize that he just had a fight with another teacher or something like that.

So those stories that we create in our lives on all kinds of topics,

So there is a big range of all kinds of stories,

But in essence they all are about this.

I have to be different than I am to be loved.

I have to be different than I am to be worthy.

I have to be different to be a good person.

I have to be different to be liked.

I have to be different to be loved.

And this is a wrong assumption.

All those stories that in essence are telling you that you have to earn love,

Earn worthiness,

Earn gentleness,

Earn whatever rest,

Earn ease,

Earn joy that we have to work hard before we can feel good.

And this is also not true.

So it's a whole process of examining what kind of stories we are telling ourselves about earning that love.

And I think this is also why it's a lifelong process,

Because these stories in a way stick a bit with us.

And even when we start to see them,

To make them cognitive,

To work with them,

To deal with them,

To heal many of those wounds,

And you can really do that,

Sometimes there are old situations that remind us in a certain way of old situations and they might pop up again.

But that's okay,

Because that's being human.

That's being who you are.

And then the art is just to recognize that and then to feel what will make me feel a little bit better now than I'm feeling now.

It doesn't have to be a big shift.

I don't have to go from crying to laughing,

But maybe from crying to feeling just a bit pessimistic,

To tune in and to see how can I make my moments feel a little bit better,

Feel a little bit more easy.

And that is the work we do.

But I've been thinking lately,

I don't want to call it work anymore,

Because I really want to detach from the idea that we have to work on ourselves.

So this is not work in the sense of to improve yourself,

To better yourself,

To even the idea that you have to heal yourself before you are better,

That you have to heal yourself before you can enjoy life,

Feel ease,

Things like that.

I understand that it feels like that,

Because when you have old wounds triggered and you are living with them,

It's painful,

It's terrible.

But your job is not to work harder on yourself,

To heal that.

The healing very often lies in acknowledging what is going on,

Acknowledging that you're feeling something,

Acknowledging that you're human,

Acknowledging that you are vulnerable,

Acknowledging that you need someone else,

Acknowledging that you just need to hug yourself and go to sleep,

Be kind to yourself.

It's not hard work.

It's even more letting go of resistance,

Letting go of fighting with yourself,

Letting go of all those expectations that you might have.

It's a process I also went through.

So in my 20s I went to therapy for several years,

Which was healing in a way,

Because it really helped me to bring things to my awareness,

To deal with that.

But at a certain moment it was also enough,

Because I also realized that trying to heal yourself also touches upon trying to improve yourself.

And the healing,

The only healing that you need,

Is that you allow yourself to feel ease,

To allow yourself to be who you are.

And that's the most important part.

It's not hard work.

It's just knowing the way how to get there.

All right,

So I'm going to take a look at the comments to see if there's any question or remark that I want to respond to.

And then I will just take a few minutes for that.

And then I will guide you in the meditation and we will meditate together,

Where we will explore a little bit more about what is the story that is holding you back.

All right,

So let's see how this works here.

So lovely to see so many names of people that I know.

Jean,

Angela,

That's titled on Amik,

Lucy,

Cherry,

Lovely that you're also here Cherry.

Melanie,

Hi!

So lovely that you're here.

So I don't know,

Can I say Melanie?

Okay,

I'll just give a hint.

Melanie and I have a really cool plan and I hope that soon we can tell a little bit more about that.

We're going to do something really cool.

I cannot wait to tell you more.

So follow us!

Oh yeah,

Wait,

I don't have a card for Melanie,

But Melanie Underwood.

I love Melanie.

Melanie is really,

Really lovely and she's also here on Inside Timer and she's giving lives on mindful cooking.

That's really,

Really awesome.

And I so love her name also,

Melanie Underwood.

It's like a movie star name.

I really love that.

So here,

Follow me if you don't yet,

Because then when we will announce you will find it also,

Especially when you're following me and Melanie.

All right,

So Alexis,

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday,

Alexis.

Oh,

Thank you so much.

I'm so happy that you're here on your birthday.

Lovely,

Nice to see you.

Mel is here also.

Hi Mel,

Love you.

Also Mel.

Mel is also a meditation teacher.

Melinda V.

King.

Look her up.

She's having some really great yoga,

Nidra meditations.

Really relax and fall asleep if you like.

Alicia saying,

Great advice.

Putting ourselves first is so hard.

I find it continually push myself to help and aid others at the expense of my own self-care time to take a little bit back of self-love back so I can care and help others even more.

Absolutely,

Alicia.

That is so very true.

So when you're a caregiver,

And I know a lot of people here are very empathic,

Giving care to other people,

Wanting to be there for other people,

And that's beautiful.

That's so lovely.

But when at a certain moment you start to deplete yourself,

You cannot truly be there for other people.

And then when you start to be there for other people at your own expense,

At a certain moment it starts to cause friction within you.

And that is never good.

But if you listen to yourself,

What it is that you need right now,

And you can give it to yourself.

First of all,

When you will come back to help another person,

You will be way more full of energy,

Full of solutions rather than seeing the problems with them.

And you're giving a beautiful example.

You're giving the example of self-gentleness,

And that's something that is really,

Really great.

All right.

Oh,

Cherry is also.

.

.

Yeah,

The sound bath.

Melanie is also giving sound bath.

So I really love that.

Melanie is a rock star.

Do you hear that,

Melanie?

I love that.

Yeah.

All right.

So let's meditate,

Right?

Taking off my glasses.

Ah,

So.

.

.

Are you sitting comfortable?

Yeah?

And really make yourself comfortable.

So if you really like it to sit with folded legs and straight up,

By all means,

Do so.

But if you prefer to,

You know,

Lean a little bit against the back of your chair,

Or maybe lie down,

Or sit against something else,

Then do so.

Now,

Gently close your eyes.

And let's bring our attention to our feet,

All the touch points below our feet touching the ground.

It is not just your foot on the ground,

No.

You have the heel,

And then you have your toes.

And every toe has its own connection with the earth.

And when you simply bring your attention to your feet touching the ground,

Then something grounding happens,

A feeling of groundedness,

A feeling of support.

What I really love to do is to bring my attention to my feet,

Feel all those touch points,

And then realize that I am connecting now with earth.

Mother Earth.

It's beautiful earth that we are all living on,

That is feeding us,

Growing crops,

Making sure that we have oxygen to breathe in,

Having an atmosphere to protect us,

Showing us the beautiful balance of the sun and the moon,

The night and the day,

Where we can warm,

Where we can sleep.

The beautiful earth that is spinning with an enormous speed around her own axe,

Spinning through the universe,

Around our sun,

In our solar system,

Just to keep us here,

To make sure there is gravity to keep us connected where we can be together on this beautiful planet earth.

And I love to be aware of that,

Of how earth is here for us,

Nurturing us,

Holding us,

Comforting us,

Supporting us.

Feel your feet on the ground,

Then you know you are carried,

You know you are supported.

It's such a good feeling,

Such a grateful feeling to realize that.

You can even make it stronger and imagine that from your feet you are growing roots into the earth.

And the growing of those roots like a plant,

Like a tree,

It's like a love relationship with mother earth,

Because you are connecting with her,

You are putting your roots out here,

And you are letting earth know,

I belong to you,

I belong with you,

You are my mother earth.

I love the way you feed me,

I love the way that you are holding me here,

Supporting me,

And it's such a beautiful feeling to just know that I'm carried in this enormous universe,

This enormous space.

We have this beautiful place on earth,

Where is water and air and sun and nature and the most beautiful animals around us.

It's touching me,

It's moving me when I'm just thinking about it.

And it's an easy thing to feel grateful about.

Cultivating gratefulness is one of the best things that you can do for yourself on a consistent basis.

It's part of that self-gentleness also,

It's deliberately focusing on things you're grateful for,

And what else is better than focusing on something that is always there,

Our planet earth.

So let's do something else.

I'm going to guide you in a visualization,

And I want you to use your fantasy in the way that you normally fantasize when you follow my words.

So I'm speaking the language of images,

And maybe the language of images or images is how you fantasize,

But by no means it is the only way to fantasize.

Some people just know something or feel something or smell something or sense something or see words.

There's so many different ways to fantasize.

So even though we call it visualization,

Just follow me along with your own fantasy.

All right now,

When you look in front of you,

There are these beautiful stairs and it's leading down.

Let's take the stairs and let's go down together.

All right,

Now I'm going to count the steps,

And with every step down you feel that you relax your body more,

You feel that you let go of everything that was holding you back so far,

And you just feel you are getting more relaxed.

So let's go.

Let's take the first step.

One,

Two,

Three.

You feel more and more relaxed.

Meanwhile,

You really enjoy how this stairs looks.

It's a beautiful stairs.

It's a really inviting stairs,

And it gives you a really comforting,

Relaxing feeling to walk it down.

Six,

Seven.

More and more relaxed,

No more tension in your body.

Eight.

And when you look around you,

You see that you are in a beautiful wood,

And the wood is not so dense.

There is some room between the trees and there are really lovely flowers in the colors that you like,

And when you smell,

You can smell them.

Here you see a deer running by and a few rabbits at your feet.

There are butterflies around you,

And bees are jumping from flower to flower,

And there's such a nice breathe on your skin,

On your cheeks,

And you feel how the sun is shining on you.

Not too hot,

Not too cold.

It's exactly how you like it,

And you decide to walk because there's a little path in front of you,

And it feels good because when you put your feet on the little path,

You hear your feet touching the ground.

It's making the most satisfying sound,

And when you're walking ahead,

You notice that you're really enjoying.

You see your favorite animals,

You see your favorite plants and flowers,

Your favorite tree.

It simply feels so good,

So much ease to be here.

So you continue to walk,

And you see there is an open spot in the middle of the wood.

It's with grass,

And you walk there,

And when you come closer,

You see that there is a really comfy chair in the middle of the woods,

And your name is written on it.

It's a beautiful chair,

And it looks so,

So comfortable.

It is inviting you to just sit down and relax,

And that is exactly what you're going to do.

Take a look at this chair and see how it's your favorite color,

The favorite cushions,

Exactly how you love it.

If you could put it in your house,

You would do it today,

And you just sit in the chair.

Oh,

It feels so good.

Your bum is just sinking into the cushions,

Exactly how you like it,

And when you rest your back against the back of the chair,

It is oh,

It's like you're in heaven.

So good it feels.

You feel how your whole body becomes even more soft,

More relaxed,

More open,

More aware,

More allowing.

It feels good to be here.

Just enjoy for a moment how you're sitting here,

How you feel,

How your whole body is relaxing,

Becoming more soft,

And if there's any tension at a certain point,

Maybe your shoulders or your forehead or your belly,

Then just make a little bit more tension,

And then just let go.

It's okay,

You're doing it exactly right.

Whatever's going on with you,

It's all right.

You cannot do this wrong.

You can only do it in your way,

And your way is the best way for you.

All right,

Now let's tune in for a moment.

If you like,

You can put your hands on your chest,

On your heart space,

And now gently bring your attention to your heart space,

And if you find it hard,

Then imagine that in the middle of your chest,

There's a small but beautiful light burning,

And with your inner mind,

With your inner knowing,

You're going to observe that little light in your chest that is your heart.

You can imagine the color is your favorite color,

And it really doesn't matter what color you pick,

Because it's your color,

And that's already okay.

And when you notice that your mind is wandering,

Or it's hard to be in this heart space,

Then just know that's okay.

Your head is made to think.

Your head is used to think.

It's okay.

The moment you notice,

You just gently bring your attention back to the light in your chest,

And that's all there is to it.

And if you,

One second later,

Notice that your mind is wandering off again,

It's okay.

It's just your mind doing its work.

The moment you notice,

You simply bring your attention back to your heart space,

To that little beautiful light.

Yeah,

Excellent.

Really,

Really good.

And well done,

How you're redirecting your attention back to your chest.

Really good.

You're doing it so well.

First,

Greet your own heart,

Because this is also you.

You can say,

Hi,

Hi,

Lovely.

Hi,

Beautiful.

Hi,

Me.

Hi,

Femke.

So you use your own name.

And feel that there is indeed a connection with yourself.

Oh,

Yeah,

I know.

When you feel that connection,

That it's established,

It can be moving,

Right?

You can feel emotion.

You can be touched,

Or you can maybe feel some sadness or anticipation.

It's all okay.

It's all perfect.

It's all you.

Whatever it is,

Allow yourself to feel it.

You're doing it so well.

It's okay.

Yeah,

I'm so proud of you.

Now,

Ask yourself,

Ask your heart,

How are you doing?

How are you doing,

Darling?

What's going on with you?

And then really allow the answer to come.

It might be words,

It might be a sentence,

But it also might be an image,

A knowing,

A feeling,

A smell,

A song in your head.

Everything is okay.

Let the answer come,

Even if you do not understand that answer.

All right,

So ask yourself,

How are you doing,

My darling?

And listen to the answer.

Yeah.

Now,

Acknowledge that this is something that is important to you.

You might have been aware of this,

But it might be also something new.

It might be really,

Really small,

Or it might be really,

Really big.

All is well.

It's okay.

Now,

Ask yourself again,

What can I do right now to honor this need?

And listen to the answer.

What can I do right now to honor this need?

Yeah.

So,

If the answer is unclear to you,

Then rest assured,

It will become more clear later.

It might be tonight,

Or tomorrow,

Or in a week,

That suddenly you realize what the answer is.

That's okay.

But if you know what it is right now,

Then truly ask yourself,

Can I do this now?

Can I give this now to myself?

Is it possible for me to give this?

And be aware of the possible resistance that might pop up,

The buts,

The yes,

Buts,

But what if all the stories start with buts,

Howevers,

Yets?

And that's okay.

Don't correct yourself.

Just listen to that other voice,

That voice that objects,

The voice that resists.

And just notice,

Without engaging with those thoughts,

Just notice what is popping up.

Go ahead.

I don't know if you have many stories or just one,

But for now,

Just pick one.

Let's project it in front of you.

There's a beautiful blue sky.

Let's just use that as our movie screen,

And let's just project this resistance,

These words,

This knowing,

This push back that feels awkward because it tries to withhold you from what it is that you want.

You might feel the tension even in your body right now when you're thinking of it.

Your body is responding to that.

When you notice that,

Then just put your hands back on your chest.

Sigh it out.

And consciously let go of the tension.

It's okay.

And if you tense up again,

That is okay.

Maybe even just shake it a little bit to let the tension go.

It's okay.

Now,

Look at the projection of that resistance.

It's now outside of you.

It's not a thought within you anymore.

It's not something that is holding you back right now.

It's now outside of you,

And you can observe it.

You are safe.

You can observe it without engaging with it.

Now,

Whatever this is,

When you look at it and you feel your body respond or you feel your mind respond,

Are you aware where this is in your body?

Where is that tension building up?

Where do you suddenly feel the muscles becoming more tough,

More hard,

More resistant?

If you feel that place,

And put your hands there for a moment.

I feel it in my shoulders.

And with your next out-breath,

Try to make that out-breath as long as possible,

As long as it is comfortable.

So don't push yourself.

Let it be easy,

But just breathe out and feel how your body,

How the tension melts a little bit more.

Again.

Okay.

Now,

There is that thought,

That story that is holding you back.

And I know it might be really tempting to start now to investigate where it's coming from,

Why you're thinking this,

Why this is part of your response,

But don't go there.

I mean,

Sometimes it can be helpful within a therapeutic setting to discover those things,

But you know what?

We don't need to make the story bigger.

All we want to do is to acknowledge this story,

Acknowledge this story,

And see why it's trying to withhold us.

So the easiest thing is to just ask it.

And if you need for that to make it more look like a cartoon figure,

Or an animal,

Or some kind of creature that can actually speak,

Then go ahead and change it.

But just ask this resistance.

Why are you resisting?

What are you trying to do for me?

What are you trying to do for me with this resistance?

And listen to the answer.

And I don't know about you,

But it can be a very loving experience to realize that this voice of resistance,

This thought of resistance,

That isn't allowing you to find ease,

Is doing so because it wants to protect you.

It's doing so because it's part of your own fear patterns.

It's trying to control a situation.

It's trying to make sure that you will be loved.

It's trying to make sure that you will be worthy.

It's trying to make sure that you will be seen,

And heard,

And respected.

Its intentions are kind.

Not helpful,

Not what you need,

But intentions are kind.

It can be such a realization to see that this story that has been popping up withholding you is part of that fearful part of you that wants to protect you.

Because now you can tell it,

Thank you.

Thank you for wanting to protect me.

I really,

Really appreciate that.

And I can understand that once you were right.

When I was a kid,

You probably thought of something that I had to do to make sure that I was loved at that moment,

And I thank you for that.

But now I'm an adult.

Now I'm here,

And actually when I'm really honest,

You stand a little bit in my way of achieving exactly that that you want me to reach.

So just know and trust that I've got my own back.

Trust me that when I feel what it is that I need,

That this is okay.

That this is exactly right for me.

This is what I need right now.

But I thank you for your help,

And there will always be a place for you within me.

But I'm also going to tell you more often that it's not necessary for you to resist.

That it's not necessary for you to push me.

That it's not necessary for you to tell me that I have to do my best.

Because you know what?

I deserve to find ease always.

Because I don't have to do anything to deserve that.

Now notice how it feels to hear these words,

Maybe speak them with me,

To have that interaction.

There might be still more resistance,

And that is also okay.

You can acknowledge that.

You can say,

I understand.

It's a process.

We will work together through this.

And maybe you also feel a sense of relief that you cannot go of that part of you.

That you can just have that part within you without having to engage with it.

It's kind of awesome,

Right?

It's an awesome realization.

And the most awesome thing is that you can do this with literally any story that might be holding you back.

The tuning in,

Acknowledging what it is that you need.

Then noticing what is the resistance and why it's there.

And not the why,

Like how did I come to be like this?

But what is this part of me trying to do for me?

And the answer is almost always,

It's trying to protect you.

But that protection is something from your childhood,

When you didn't know better.

When you were relying on adults to tell you that you were a good girl and good boy.

And this is long in the past.

It's not necessary anymore.

You've got your own back.

And you're doing it so very well.

Without hard work.

Just by finding ease for yourself.

Letting go of resistance.

I'm so proud of you.

Really.

All right.

Now,

Say goodbye to this resistant part of you.

Maybe you can give it the place within you,

With you,

Next to you,

Where you know it will be benign.

With you,

Without interfering with you.

Pushing away will not help you.

Acknowledging that this is part of you,

Part of being human.

That's a really loving thing to do.

And then,

If you want,

You can get up from the chair and we will walk back this little beautiful path,

Where we hear the path under our feet.

And we smell the flowers and feel the sun and the breeze on our cheeks,

While we walk back to the stairs.

And just know that this is a place deeply within you,

Where you can come back anytime.

Anytime.

Let's climb the stairs again.

We're going to count back.

And every count that we're coming back to,

The one you will feel more back into your body.

So 10,

9,

8.

You can help yourself rock a little bit on your buttocks.

Wiggle your fingers and toes.

7,

6,

5.

You feel your body.

You feel the connection with your body.

4,

3,

2 and 1.

Don't open your eyes yet.

Just take a moment to seal this practice in.

To realize that you are just doing a very significant thing for yourself.

This is a really beautiful process.

A process to allow yourself to find ease.

To allow yourself to connect with what it is that you need and to honor that.

And again,

When you start doing this process on a daily basis,

Before you know it,

Self-gentleness is almost always within your reach.

And if you're not,

You will find it.

All right,

Now take your time to open your eyes.

Just take a minute or so.

Just slowly open your eyes.

Don't make it fast.

Make it in your own pace.

And if you're lying down or really leaning backwards and you became a little bit sleepy and you can go to sleep,

That's also fine.

You can go to sleep.

Try to honor that need.

And if not now,

Then do it later today or tomorrow.

Just promise yourself that you will come back to it and then keep that promise.

Wow,

So many hearts.

Thank you all.

So Cherry today was on a walk where there was a beautiful text that he found.

He wrote it in Dutch and I will translate it.

So I'm starting here.

So I'm speaking the words that Cherry wrote,

But now in English.

It is impossible,

Said pride.

It is risky,

Said experience.

It is useless,

Said reason.

Try,

Whispered the heart.

It's really beautiful,

Cherry.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Really beautiful.

Cherry found the text on a wall.

Really nice.

All right,

Lovelies.

So again,

Here is my course on self-gentleness,

The basics,

The tuning in,

The whole process.

Oh,

Luanne,

That's beautiful that you were doing today's meditation,

While you were sitting in your garden,

Your beautiful garden.

That's lovely.

That's really,

Really great.

Yes.

So if you want to do a course on Insight Timer,

You will need a premium,

Premium subscription.

And I can really,

Really recommend it to you.

Why?

Because for about $60,

I think in the Netherlands,

It's 45 euro.

You have access for a whole year to all courses of all teachers,

To all premium tracks,

To you can have extra features.

You can download also tracks so you can listen to them offline.

You don't have to be online.

And all kinds of other perks that are really great.

You're supporting Insight Timer,

Which is a really amazing,

Awesome app that supports free meditation for so many people in the world,

Which none of the other apps are doing in the same way.

And by having a premium account subscription,

You support Insight Timer doing that.

So you support the spread of meditation to the world.

Even more,

You support also all teachers because we as teachers get paid by Insight Timer based on how many plays we have.

And that is all the premium subscriptions are paying for that.

And it allows us to continue to make beautiful things like these lives and the free tracks,

The courses.

It's supporting me and all other teachers and of course,

The team of Insight Timer.

So if you have the means,

I would do that.

But especially for yourself,

Of course,

It's really lovely for us,

But it's also really great for yourself because what is like $60 a year is like $5 a month.

It's like a cup of coffee these days,

Right?

And what do you give yourself?

Access to so many beautiful things.

So another way to support me is to listen to my tracks,

Listen to my courses,

To share it with people on the app,

But also share it with all the buttons on your social medias.

I really would appreciate if you do that because also me within the app you support by telling the algorithm that you dig my work basically.

You can also,

And that is in the last card,

If you like to make a donation that is also possible.

There is this card if you like to do that,

If you have those means.

But honestly,

If you now go and get a premium account and start listening to my courses,

I have more,

Not just about self-gentleman,

I have about political tolerance,

About authentic leadership,

About performing without stress and ease,

Even when you're under pressure.

If you speak Dutch,

I also have Dutch courses and I really would love for you to do those because I'm really proud of those courses.

I put really all my experience as behavioral scientist,

As a meditation teacher,

As a human being,

I put so much in those courses and they are here already for some years.

And that means that they're not always found except for the self-gentleness course that one is approaching the 10,

000 students now,

Which is,

You know,

So great.

So yeah,

I really would love for you to listen to my work and enjoy it and learn from it and let me know how you like it.

All right,

So I will be back on the 18th of July.

That's not the second Friday of the month,

But that's because one of my children has the birthday on the 11th of July.

So it will be on the 18th of July and the topic will be letting go of doubts and regrets.

Yeah,

That's another thing,

Right?

That can attack our self-gentleness if we doubt about things or when we regret things.

So I'm really looking forward to speak about that with you guys and thank you so much for being here,

For sending me all the love,

For commenting,

Telling me all those things.

I so love you all.

I so love being here with you all and I really hope you will be here again on the 18th of July.

Thank you,

Nancy,

For your donation.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you all so much.

And indeed,

Alexa,

You had your birthday,

Right?

It was nice that you were here and sending you all so much love.

Bye-bye.

Have a lovely weekend.

Reviews

Thank you Femke for sharing your recorded lives so we can (re-)listen them 🥰I love your work