Selfgentleness In Action - S3: Procrastination

Is it wrong to procrastinate? We commonly believe it is. But is it? And how can you use selfgentleness to deal with procrastination? Femke discusses in the third session of her Selfgentleness in Action Lives how you can use Selfgentleness to see procrastination from a different perspective. As always, she ends her talk with a guided meditation, so that you can experience for yourself what her words mean to you personally.

Join Femke's Lives every second Friday of the Month in person, and ask your questions! Sign up for her Insight Timer Lives via Femke's profile.

Transcript

Hi everyone.

I am live.

Hi!

How are you doing?

So happy to be here with you all.

Ah,

Self-gentleness in action.

Session 3.

Procrastination.

That's the topic of today.

Welcome.

My name is Femke Bakker.

I'm a self-gentleness teacher and a behavioral scientist.

And I love being here every second Friday of the month to be together with you.

To speak about self-gentleness.

What is self-gentleness?

Well,

This is a concept that I developed.

And my definition is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Yeah,

Let me say that again.

That you can really,

Really hear it.

And I know if you've been here more often,

You've heard it many,

Many times.

But I believe you cannot hear often enough what self-gentleness is.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important.

.

.

Again.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Yeah.

It is easy and not so easy at the same time.

Becoming self-gentle is one of the best things that you can do for yourself.

Especially if you are someone who is a perfectionist or a previous perfectionist like me.

I'm not a perfectionist anymore,

But there is always a chance that I will fall back.

So I call myself a previous perfectionist to make sure that I remember myself.

I should not fall back.

But also if you're highly sensitive or empathic or you're a caregiver or you're someone who just cares so much about others that you sometimes forget about yourself.

So you find it hard to say no.

You find it hard to put your boundaries in a way that feel good to you.

You might even find it hard to take care of yourself.

And you might find it way more easy to take care of other people.

So if this is you,

Then you are here on the right place to speak about self-gentleness.

So in the past and also today,

I speak always about the foundations of self-gentleness,

Which are really,

Really important because the foundations exist of tuning in with yourself,

Becoming aware of what it is that lies within you,

That is within you,

The knowledge that knows,

That innate knowledge that whispers and tells you what it is that you need,

What it is that you desire,

What it is that you do not want and how to get to that what you do want in your life.

But during life,

It's sometimes really,

Really hard to tune in and to actually listen to that voice because it's gently whispering,

Patiently waiting for you to listen while that inner critic can have a really loud voice that can really shout you in your ear,

In your mental ear,

How you are messing up,

How you are not doing things right.

And we can all get into why that happened,

But we will not for today.

It's just a fact that we all have to a certain extent an inner critic,

Criticizing us,

Judging ourselves.

So also I have this.

I know,

I'm a self-gentleness teacher and I even like to say that I'm a master of self-gentleness,

But I'm not self-gentle all the time.

You can ask people in my surroundings and they know that.

There are topics where I trip over and fall.

I sometimes write about that now on Substack.

So you can read a bit more about my personal struggles,

My personal pathway to self-gentleness because that is what I discovered,

That I can become self-gentle and I created this beautiful system for that.

I developed this tool that you can use as a fundament,

The foundational basis of becoming self-gentle and then we take it from there.

Because when you start to use these tools consistently for let's say one month,

You will feel a shift and I have to warn you,

When you start to feel this shift,

You cannot go back anymore.

If you have tasted how good it is to be self-gentle,

How good it is to tune in and to actually feel and hear what is going on inside,

To actually acknowledge what your needs are,

What your desires are,

You cannot turn back anymore without just feeling really,

Really bad.

And who wants to feel bad?

No one.

I don't and I think you also don't.

So then we move forward being more self-gentle,

But then there come those challenges of life because life happens.

We still have to interact with people because we are not hermits.

We don't live in a seclusion somewhere on a mountain where we can meditate all day.

No.

We have partners and parents and children and grandchildren and friends and family and employers and employees and society,

Which is sometimes making life a bit tough.

So how do you apply then that self-gentleness?

How do you apply it to those specific topics in life?

Well,

That is what we're speaking about here.

Self-gentleness in action.

You can find my core foundational work here on Insight Timer.

You can take a look at the profile,

The link in my profile and find out even more about that.

There are many ways to learn from what I want to convey to you about self-gentleness.

And in these group sessions together here every second Friday of the month,

I will discuss one specific topic.

And those topics are not something that I just made up.

No,

You gave them to me.

Because here on Insight Timer,

I have the self-gentleness group of Femke,

Where you can be a member of if you're not already.

And you can communicate there with me.

You can communicate with all the lovely folks in that group.

But you can also tell me what topics are really prevalent for you,

For me to speak about in connection to self-gentleness.

And for today,

The topic is procrastination.

So I will just go to take a look who is here and welcome you all.

And then I will speak a little bit more about how I see procrastination,

How we can apply self-gentleness to deal with that procrastination.

And then we will close off the session as always with a guided meditation where you can experience for yourself what my words mean to you.

Because there is one more key to self-gentleness.

It is not a one formula fixes everything.

Anyway,

I don't believe in one formula fixes anything,

But especially not in self-gentleness.

Learn the foundations with me.

And then you have to find your own way in your tools,

Your ways to become self-gentle.

Because you are uniquely you.

And it's all about you finding that good feeling within.

It's all about you finding ease and joy in your life to apply the gentleness.

And I have many tools to help you with that to find your unique path.

You can always reach out to me to discuss those things with me.

There are many ways to do so.

So by all means,

If you feel that calling,

Then connect with me about that.

All right.

So let me see who are here.

There's so many people.

Oh,

The comments are moving.

Cadence,

Christian,

Luann.

Hi.

Mary,

Cherry,

Hans,

Janie,

Lindsay,

Jacqueline,

Monica.

Hi.

Let's see.

Akira from Maryland.

Well,

I just flew back from Chicago.

Well,

Last weekend,

It's almost a week ago,

I was in Chicago,

Which was pretty cold,

But really great.

Also,

I was there for a conference.

I spent some lovely time with my beloved there on a little bit vacation.

And that was really,

Really nice to be there.

Hi,

Tanya.

Hi,

Fern.

Fern says it feels like it's been a long time since last course.

Thank you for touching on this particular sticky topic.

Yes.

Hi,

Jen.

Soul family.

Oh,

I love that one.

Fabiola.

Hi,

Randy.

Lovely that you are here.

I was wondering about you,

Because as I remember,

You were living in L.

A.

And I hope that you are fine and that,

You know,

You were not caught by those terrible wildfires from some time ago.

So please let me know if everything is OK with you.

I'm happy that you're here.

All right.

Let's speak about procrastination.

Meanwhile,

If you have any thoughts or questions about procrastination or you want to share with me and others what procrastination is for you,

What you like about it,

What you dislike about it or what you're struggling with,

Then please share it.

I cannot see all comments always during the live,

But I can take a look later on.

And of course,

Everyone reads with you.

So I always know that this is such a lovely community and people are so lovely in supporting each other and pointing things out to each other.

So please,

By all means,

Let us know what procrastination means to you.

So.

Procrastination has a really,

Really bad connotation,

Right?

For most people.

And people like to say,

Oh,

I'm procrastinating.

And it comes with that unpleasant feeling that you might have when you are scrawling on your phone,

Binge watching a series,

Not getting up from the sofa to go to bed while you know that you are tired and you want to go to sleep.

Not starting that diet that you're planning to do or doing those exercises that you wanted to do.

Not starting on that terrible deadline that is nearing by every second and you still cannot get yourself to start working on it.

All those things.

When we experience that,

We call that procrastination.

We are procrastinating.

And basically what we mean is that we have a really strict judgment about ourselves.

We are saying,

I should do this,

But I am doing that.

And that is not right.

That is not good.

I am bad.

Or I am not so good.

Or I should do this.

I must do that.

And why am I not doing it?

I think you can get a sense of where I am going,

But let me just check because I see some people writing down what procrastination might mean to them.

And let me just go there for a moment before I continue with my talk.

So Cherry says,

I'm a previous perfectionist like me and I still have trouble not to procrastinate.

So Cherry,

You connect this to perfectionism,

Right?

To do stuff right,

To do stuff perfect,

To do stuff as you think it is expected from you,

Whether those expectations are yours or from other people.

That's not so important.

And you feel that procrastination is keeping you from being perfect.

Am I right?

So Fabiola asked,

How can I get out of the procrastination?

We will get there soon,

I hope.

Oh,

I'm really happy to know that you are okay.

Randy,

Did you move to New York?

That's also a lovely city for you,

I guess.

Oh,

I'm sorry about your paintings.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I'm thinking of you.

All right.

Cherry says,

Cleaning the house instead of the lifelines for work I should do.

Cleaning the house instead of the lifelines for work you should do.

So you procrastinate the things you find you have to do for work and instead you start to clean the house.

Well,

I might have something the other way around.

Mary says,

Just two weeks ago I learned of the term ADD paralysis.

It helped me to see the characteristics.

I felt understood in a way that I never had before.

Yeah,

I can see that Mary.

I'm really happy that you understand a bit more about yourself in that.

We will take this further.

And then Randy says,

Procrastination and ADHD,

Executive functioning struggles and diagnosis helps me not to judge myself.

I really love that too.

Yeah.

So understanding,

Let's say,

Your own manual,

Right?

Because whether you have a specific label or you just understand that you are not fitting the normal mole,

Which doesn't exist,

Right?

This is an illusion.

We all think that normalcy exists,

But it doesn't.

We are all very uniquely built.

It's more that we think that we should fit that mole to achieve things.

But let me not stray too much from my path.

Marjorie says,

Society shames us as lazy,

Unproductive,

Irresponsible,

Unreliable.

Absolutely.

And I love what you're saying because you're saying this is society.

So you are already seeing those expectations external from you,

Not so much internal from you,

Which is,

I think,

A really great step towards dealing with the procrastination.

Kathy says,

I alternate between having a mad frenzy of activity,

Trying to get things done and being in a state of freeze because I'm exhausted.

That's very familiar.

I recognize myself in that just like you are describing.

Thank you for sharing that.

Jules recognized the ADD paralysis.

Randy says,

I lose track of time.

I find prioritizing and making decisions very challenging.

Yes.

And then Jerry says,

This is the answer to my question about perfectionism and procrastination that in a certain way you do.

When you're saying,

I am bad,

You had an MG dancing moment.

That's lovely.

All right.

So what I read here is that indeed also with you guys,

Procrastination has this bad connotation.

And the thing is,

When we approach procrastination from a self-gentle perspective as we're doing today,

Then you might know,

You might understand that we cannot work with thoughts like,

I'm doing it wrong.

I am lazy.

I'm not good enough.

I'm bad.

I'm,

I should,

But I don't.

So I'm not worthy of this,

What I would like to achieve.

And I just want to relax those thoughts.

I will tell you how I see procrastination and I do procrastinate.

And I also have trouble with it in a critic sometimes when I do.

So for instance,

I love from time to time to play games on my phone,

Especially puzzles or Canasta.

And,

And at the same time,

What I'm doing that actually,

Because I have to work or clean the house,

Which I really dislike to do.

Then there is this voice in my head that I should not do that.

Right.

And maybe there's some truth in that,

Especially if you play too long of those games,

But that is something else because procrastination to me is basically a warning of our system.

Maybe even our soul that tells us that we have some kind of blockage and that it is basically time that we investigate the feelings and thoughts behind that procrastination to better understand what it is that we need.

So we come to those fundaments,

The foundational practices of self gentleness,

Which is tuning in with yourself.

And the more often you do that on a regular basis,

The more easy it will become to get through all the clutter to that inner voice and hear what is going on there.

So when you are procrastinating,

Like not starting to do that things for your job,

For your work,

For instance,

Like Cherry said,

Then the question rises,

What's going on?

Is it because I'm tired?

Is it because I just don't feel like doing it right now?

Is it because I'm afraid to fail?

Is it because my head is so full with other things that I cannot focus right now?

Is it because I have trouble focusing,

Like I have ADD or ADHD?

And as much as I don't want to linger too long on the why for something,

I think in this case it is good to examine what causes that procrastination.

Because in that answer,

Without you having to create big stories to explain to yourself why you're not doing what you're doing,

To get an understanding of what it is at hand.

So let me take myself as an example.

From time to time,

In my work as an academic,

From time to time I have deadlines to finish a paper or a book chapter because I agreed with others or because I have to submit it somewhere.

And I know myself,

I procrastinate a lot with starting to write that paper.

Why is that?

Well,

By now I know.

It is because I always start with the introduction.

And in the introduction,

You have to have the clarity exactly of what it is you're asking,

How you're going to answer this question,

What methods you use and what your results are.

Many scholars,

Many of my colleagues,

Write the introduction at the end.

I cannot.

Why not?

I work most of my time,

I spend on an introduction because in that process,

Which can take sometimes really weeks,

And that's like an intro of 500 words,

Yeah?

I get clarity on the narrative,

On the edges,

On the logic,

On the way I put everything together.

In other words,

It's a very difficult,

Well,

Maybe I make it myself difficult,

But very difficult puzzle that I want to explain as clearly as possible in an academic way,

Which is different than when I just when I write about self-gentleness,

Which flows way more easier than writing that intro.

And when the intro is there,

Then basically the rest of the paper or the chapter will come quite naturally,

Quite quickly,

Within one,

Two days.

I have like 10,

000 words and that is it.

But all those weeks it takes me to do that introduction,

That is hard.

And I know it is hard.

And I also know by now,

Because for a long time I was thinking,

Why do I procrastinate?

If it takes me so much time,

It's better to start now,

Cramming,

Thinking.

And then I discovered that when I force myself to think on such an abstract,

Theoretical,

Logical level to really fit things into each other,

That to be,

For that to be fun,

For that to be delicious,

For that to be flowing with ease and pleasure,

I need to be in a certain mindset.

And when I procrastinate,

I basically acknowledge that my mindset is not there yet.

So I have two options.

I can decide not to work on it and do something else,

Which is easier,

Which is more fun.

Or maybe that is not so much fun,

But I can just do it,

And it's finished,

And I will have some satisfaction for having it finished.

Or I can help myself to get in that right mindset to make it work.

And that can be reading about my topic,

That can be allowing myself to think,

To sit in a cozy chair,

Stare a little bit at the sky outside the window,

Let my thoughts wander,

And then let myself be surprised by a thought that comes.

Or,

To speed up the process,

I can meditate.

Of course,

Meditation is always a great way to make that connection to that what has to be done.

So I like this work.

I like writing these papers.

But there is something in me that struggles sometimes with starting there,

Because I know it's going to be a daunting task if I'm not in the right mindset.

So whenever I notice this,

I know that I have these options to either help myself to get in that mindset,

Or just wait until that mindset gets there.

And deadlines sometimes help with that,

But that's not a pleasant way.

That's not a self-gentle way,

Because then I use time pressure to get where I need to be.

Maybe that's something that you recognize,

That you use pressure of time or pressure of the expectations of people that are waiting for you to push yourself through the procrastination.

That's a tactic that many people use,

But it's not the best strategy because it's not so self-gentle,

Right?

Okay,

So this was one of the examples that I can give,

And I have many more if you would like to hear.

But this is a very clear one.

So procrastination always means that you have a hurdle.

And the hurdle might be big or small.

The hurdle might be true or,

I mean,

Valid to you.

It might be not so valid.

But what if you are scrolling on your phone and you have to clean the house,

Because you always do this on Friday,

And you are scrolling on your phone and you really get annoyed by yourself because your house doesn't clean itself.

And just scrolling on your phone will also not really make you happy.

Then either way,

You're not making yourself that happy.

So the very first thing to do is when you notice that is to make a decision.

And I know making decisions is something I think Randy just mentioned.

Making decisions is not so easy,

But making a decision and then line up with that decision will really,

Really help you.

So this example,

You're scrolling on your phone,

Which is enjoyable in a sense,

Even though it feels like lazy and not really doing something,

But maybe it gives you something that is important and the house needs to be cleaned.

Then at that moment,

If you feel torn between those two vices,

Ask yourself,

Tell yourself,

I'm going to make a decision now and I'm going to align myself.

If I decide to be on my phone,

I will be on my phone.

I will just enjoy this process.

I will allow myself to just be here as long as I want.

And I promise you,

There will come a moment that you'll put it away because the fun is gone.

Or you might decide,

OK,

I'm just getting up now.

I'm going to clean because I know that after that I will feel better.

Or you decide to do something completely different,

Which might be,

For instance,

Taking a nap.

Because if you feel not so good while scrolling on your phone and you don't feel like cleaning the house and you're procrastinating,

Stopping being on your phone,

Procrastinating cleaning the house,

It might be that you're just tired.

As a human being,

We very often don't get enough sleep.

We have so many things to do,

So many things to experience,

To see,

To watch,

To listen,

To talk about,

To do,

To must do,

That in general we don't sleep enough.

And sometimes the answer to procrastination is just that you need some sleep.

So I know that there are a lot of neural models of why we procrastinate that explain how our brains work and why we do this,

How we find distraction in certain things,

And how this releases hormones that make us feel better.

And these things are all true.

I will not speak about that.

What I do speak about is your awareness.

Because again,

That foundational part of self-gentleness,

That tuning in,

It is there to bring you awareness of who you are and what lives within you.

And our lives are so filled with things that we take upon ourselves because we think we have to do them,

We must do them,

We cannot escape doing them,

And that we start to procrastinate because actually it goes against us.

So by tuning in,

Becoming aware,

You also become aware of choices that you have,

That maybe some of the must do's are not because they might be hard,

Or there might be a challenge,

Or might need a flow to be experienced as a positive thing,

Like my example just now.

But maybe there are also a lot of things that we just don't want to do.

And because we don't want to do them,

And we think we have to do them,

And we think it's expected of us,

We procrastinate,

But actually we are just resisting that need to fulfill those expectations.

So that is a completely other option.

So I know I'm mentioning all kinds of things about procrastination,

But I think they can all be valid and true.

And the core of my argumentation here is that I really,

Really,

Really never want you to beat up yourself because you're procrastinating.

I really would love for you to notice when you're doing that,

And then to take a moment to tune in and realize what it is why you're procrastinating.

If you are tired,

If you find something hard,

If it's something that you really do not want to do,

If it's something that you need a flow for,

If you are an artist,

I know a few of you are artists,

And those few of you are speaking also about things you have to do for work,

But creation is flow.

Creation is inviting that flow.

And maybe sometimes you just need to procrastinate for weeks after each other by feeling you're doing nothing to suddenly get that flow and then just find whatever it was you were waiting for and create things in such a beautiful way,

In such a way that normally you would not have been able to create,

Especially if you were pushing yourself to get there,

To trust that process,

To trust that procrastination,

Those feelings of procrastination are basically covering up something else.

Of what it is that you really need,

Of what it is that you really want,

You really,

Really desire.

So never judge yourself for procrastination.

Just see it as a signal of your being that says,

Hey,

Maybe it's time to tune in.

Maybe it's time to find some silence,

Or go out in nature,

Or to meditate,

Or to nap,

And to really connect with what lives within you.

Because when you live,

When you connect with that inner voice,

When you reclaim that inner voice,

You will hear what it is that you need.

You will understand what way to get to those places that you want to get.

You might see solutions to problems that you cannot see if you keep being in resistance for what you have to do and you see it as a problem that you don't.

There is this one truth that I always keep,

I always tell myself and also the people in my surroundings,

So also you,

When you see a problem and you don't know the solution and you keep staring at the problem,

Or you keep trying to find the solution to that problem,

You will not find it.

Maybe you do with a lot of pushing and a lot of unpleasant feelings and a lot of resistance,

But it will never be the optimal solution.

But when you allow yourself to take some distance and to just be,

And let the problem just be there,

And trust the process that,

Whether it's coming from the left or from the right,

From above,

From downstairs,

The front or the back,

You will see a solution the moment that you let go.

And this is a truth that I know you can speak to,

Because I know every person has these experiences in their lives.

It's just important for you to recognize it when they happen.

So,

That's my story about procrastination.

I hope it is helpful.

I hope it gives you some insight in your own inner workings of how you might deal with procrastination.

And,

You know,

The one procrastination is not the other.

It depends on the situation,

It depends on the context,

It depends on the task at hand.

So,

Whatever it is,

When you're tuning in,

When you speak to yourself,

Be gentle about it.

Don't judge yourself.

Don't blame yourself.

Don't call yourself lazy.

Whatever you do,

Whatever you choose,

Whatever you decide,

Whatever you do not do,

Whatever you do not decide,

You're worthy,

You are lovable,

You are love,

You are worthy beyond means.

Really,

Every one of you,

Like every being are you.

All right,

I will take a look at the comments if there is something more to discuss,

And if not,

We will continue with the meditation for today.

Oh,

That's a great example from Christiane.

I stack up things on my to-do list and when I look at it,

I get really tired and I don't know where to begin.

Even when finally I start reading the on top of my many unread books,

I get sleepy after 15 minutes.

Tiredness is connected with my idea of fulfilling tasks.

So,

I have a really good idea for you.

So,

When you have this to-do list,

Everyone has a to-do list,

I also have a to-do list,

And then put it on your table and put another paper next to it.

And then see what of those things you really,

Really,

Really,

Really,

Really want to do.

Might be just one.

Write it on that list.

Then you take a second paper and then you write up from that to-do list all the things that can wait,

That have no urgency.

And even if they have some urgency,

That's,

You know,

Nothing goes wrong if you don't do that.

Write them there.

That's probably,

Probably quite a long list.

That list you just put away and you trust that when the time comes,

Those will be done.

Because I will tell you something,

When I make a to-do list,

I always forget about them.

And then at a certain moment I pick them up and I realize that some of the things I just,

I did already without looking at my to-do list.

But when I look at my to-do list,

It really,

Really makes me crazy.

So,

I have to-do lists mainly to get them out of my head and to know well they're written down.

And so,

If I need it,

I can take a look.

They don't have to be in my head.

But if they are paralyzing you,

Like you're describing,

You might play with it a little bit to see,

You know,

What of those can be delegated to faith,

Universe,

Your neighbors.

Some things just get done,

Right?

And everything makes it playful to get rid of that tiredness.

And if you have a really,

Really,

Really big stack of books that you feel you have to read because you buy them,

Which is very recognizable because I also buy a lot of books and then don't read them until after years or sometimes never,

Then,

You know,

Allow yourself either to not buy those books,

Not to want to be on top of everything,

Or allow yourself to be okay with the fact that there comes a day that you will look at one of the books and say,

Oh,

I have that book.

You know what?

I feel like reading it.

And if you fall asleep while reading,

It just means that you need to sleep.

Like I just said,

You know,

It is okay.

Sleep is one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

We reset ourselves,

Our bodies,

Our energy,

Our minds,

Our emotions.

Sleeping is really,

Really healthy,

Really,

Really good.

And we don't get enough of it.

So really never blame yourself for being tired.

Just take some sleep.

All right.

I hope that's helpful a little bit,

Christian,

For you.

Great,

Thierry,

That you find it interesting what I'm saying.

I will be really curious how you will process this.

You are always,

I have to say,

I am now gathering all the lives that I ever gave on Insight Timer.

I think this is number 178 or 179.

And recently I saw back the very,

Very first one.

I was really nervous.

It was in October 2020.

And then I noticed in the comments that Thierry was there,

The very first live.

That's so beautiful.

I so loved it.

Thank you so much,

Thierry,

That you are still here.

And Thierry has been with me on this path of self-gentleness,

Using many of my tools and reporting back to me how helpful it was.

So I'm really,

Really grateful that you are here,

Thierry.

Thank you so much.

So Mary recognizes the deadlines.

Marjorie also.

Intro sets a tone and approach.

Awesome journalistic features.

You need a creative hook to capture reader's attention.

Yeah.

So you recognize that story,

Marjorie.

Lovely.

Thank you for sharing that.

Yes.

Miesje says,

I find it helpful to stop resisting procrastination and then it allows me spaciousness for the doing.

Oh,

I love that one.

I love that one.

Yes,

That is so,

So important.

Thank you for sharing that.

Because that's also my experience.

When you,

When you surrender to that need to,

To,

To do something and you,

You,

You know,

You just know,

Okay,

I'm procrastinating.

That's okay.

To be gentle with yourself about that.

Okay.

So I am scrolling on my phone.

Okay.

So I am just drinking another cup of tea.

Oh,

So I am sleeping a little bit longer.

Whatever that,

That opens up a place because then the energy can flow.

So actually I've,

I have another story about that for myself that I will share quickly.

So when I was writing my dissertation,

I might've told you before,

I was,

I was really stuck at the writer's block.

I couldn't write anymore.

There were also some personal circumstances,

But it was really,

Really hard for me.

And then I decided to just do nothing.

To every day,

To get up,

To dress,

To have breakfast and then to do nothing.

It was winter.

I,

I opened the wood burner and I was just sitting in a comfy chair and looking at the fire all day.

And at first it drove me crazy because I felt like I should do something.

I should do something.

But at a certain moment,

Because this was my plan,

I just surrendered to doing nothing and to just be there.

And with surrendering to that,

With giving into that very deliberate procrastination,

Because I knew if I would pick up my laptop,

I would fight with myself.

I would fight with my writer's block.

I would not be able to write.

I would just feel miserable.

I just went with doing nothing,

Staring in the fire.

Sometimes I had to sit on my hands,

But at a certain moment I start to tell myself that I was trusting the process.

I was trusting that in the moment the flow would be there,

It would be there and I would know it.

Because I had some difficulties with how to write it.

I will not expand too much on that.

Long story short,

About three weeks later,

I was looking at the fire and suddenly I had this really pleasant urge to pick up my laptop and start writing.

And in that chair,

In my lap,

Actually laptop in my lap,

In front of that fire,

I just started writing.

And in three days time I wrote the first three chapters,

Rewrote,

But I actually wrote them from scratch because I was stuck on those chapters,

The first three chapters of my dissertation,

Which are now,

I think more or less the same with some edits here and there.

And it was a beautiful flow.

I wrote so many words in just three days and I was so happy that I allowed myself that procrastination time of three weeks to be open for that moment when it could be there and it could flow with ease.

And I always remind myself of that moment.

It's been a foundational,

Crucial moment for me to understand that this is how it works.

So I so love Miesha that you're telling me this because it's a really important thing to understand.

And I know that you also know this,

You,

All these people,

Everyone,

Everyone here has had those moments that when you let go,

It will come.

So when those moments happen,

Mark them for yourself,

Ingrain them in your soul,

Remember them,

Know how it feels.

It's really,

Really important.

Oh Jane,

You had to leave early.

I'm happy that it helped so much.

Thank you for your donation,

Cherry.

Marjorie says it's hard to tell when avoiding because I really don't want to do it.

Subconsciously sense that isn't right for me or just my habitual procrastination.

But actually,

Marjorie,

It doesn't matter because there's a lot of judgments in wanting to know which one,

Which kind of procrastination is useful,

Helpful and which one not.

If you just let go of that and just take procrastination as a signal that there is something that you need to know and then try to approach it without a judgment.

You could try to surrender to it,

Like I just said.

You could try to examine it,

To understand it.

But habitual procrastination also has a message.

You might have a judgment about that,

But you don't have to.

There is something there for you to pick up from,

To extend more self-gentleness to yourself in that topic.

That's lovely,

Cherry.

He responds to Marjorie and says,

Nowadays I say thank you so much,

Cherry,

For doing the things I did and I'm proud on the things I didn't.

So I balance and that I took the right decisions.

I really,

Really love that,

Cherry.

Thank you for sharing that.

That's beautiful practice.

Kim says,

Thank you for your self-kindness reminders.

Ask what emotions are feeling with uncompleted to-do list.

Be playful or take a nap with task.

Absolutely.

You took that out of it.

It's really,

Really great.

Yes.

And that's true what Cherry says.

Sometimes with a timer,

20 minute nap,

Afterwards you're feeling better.

Absolutely.

Fern says,

Subconscious fear of various things causes procrastination avoidance.

I'm trying to remember that avoidance is actually allowing the fear to have control and it's also reinforcing that avoidance or procrastination pathway as well.

And what I really want is to conquer the avoidance task items one by one and start rewriting new positive neural pathways.

It's often a slow and difficult journey.

Absolutely,

Fern.

And I understand where you're coming from.

It's a hard thing when avoidance is in the way because it's a fear,

Even subconscious fear.

But still,

I think that procrastination is an invitation to yourself to understand what's within you needs some attention.

So that fear,

Even the fear that you might not be so aware of,

Is a part of you that needs some attention from you.

I know that very often in cognitive behavioral therapy,

People who have avoidance or fear have to confront those fears.

Well,

I'm not a clinical psychologist,

So I cannot really speak to those methods.

I do know,

But always check with your own clinician if that is needed or if you would like to work with that.

Sometimes starting with allowing yourself to feel fear even though you don't like it,

To not fight it,

But to accept that as a part of you that might need attention and love,

Might be a first start to being able to actually get out of your comfort zone.

And I say,

But not for nothing out of your comfort zone rather than confronting yourself,

Because fear and confrontation,

That's a tough way,

Right?

Maybe for some people that might work.

Again,

I'm not a clinician.

However,

Try to discover also for yourself what your fear is telling you and what you can give yourself in that process to feel less of that fear or to let that fear intimidate you less.

It's worthy to examine that,

I might think.

You also have a strong desire,

I read,

Dear Fern,

To rewrite those new neural pathways.

And I really love that.

I would almost say that you could trust that desire.

You have the desire to conquer your fears.

So whenever you procrastinate,

Because you're avoiding something,

You might have that discussion within you with what is holding you back and what within you wants to conquer it.

Because don't let the conquering be you expecting from yourself to be strong when you're not.

Let the conquering want to be in you,

That you examine what your fear needs to feel safe again,

So that you can conquer the world around you.

I hope that thought might help you a little bit.

Oh,

I'm happy,

Christian,

That you love the two lists idea.

Great.

Kirsten says,

I often wonder if there's a reason why I procrastinate or if it's just laziness.

When I begin to do something,

I often lose a sense of time.

And that's why I often late at work or at appointments.

Dear Kirsten,

It's a bit the same,

Like I think Marjorie said.

It's not laziness.

Laziness really doesn't exist.

Laziness is a judgment that we have if we don't do something that we feel we have to do.

I know in my head,

I also call myself lazy sometimes.

But then I correct myself.

I mean,

That's the mastery of self gentleness,

Recognizing when you're not finding your way back to becoming self gentle again.

Judging yourself,

Telling yourself that you're doing things wrong is never right.

It's not self gentle.

It is the most self gentle thing to acknowledge that you're not perfect,

To acknowledge that you sometimes just feel like doing nothing.

We live in a society where we think we have to do the biggest things to achieve the best successes.

We open those phones and maybe that's better not because then we see all these so-called examples of people who are succeeding by doing many,

Many things.

Fact is,

The only thing you have to do here in your life is to be easy on yourself,

To be gentle with yourself,

To find that love and connection within.

Because when you do,

You will find your way.

You will find your connection with other people.

You will be more gentle to other people.

You will find things that you love to do and even the things that you don't love to do will be easy then.

Stop blaming and judging yourself.

So if you're wondering if there is a reason or it's laziness,

It's both.

It's okay to be lazy.

There might be a reason and examine that,

But it's never,

Never laziness.

Because when you're lazy,

You're tired and maybe you just need to sleep.

And indeed what people are saying about ADHD,

AADD,

Um,

Some people,

It's a spectrum,

Right?

Some people have it stronger.

Other people have it less,

But sometimes it's really helpful to understand if maybe that is also part of you wanting to do many things,

Losing track of time.

It's okay.

It's all okay.

Well,

I'm happy that it's helpful for a really great sleep.

Well,

Fabiola.

All right.

So almost one hour.

Was I procrastinating this meditation?

No,

I think there's many,

Many great things to discuss here.

Um,

So I don't want to make the,

The live way longer than one hour.

So what we will do together,

We will tune in so you can discover within what's going on.

And I will ask you some questions for you to answer,

But it's really important when I ask you this question that you don't overthink it.

But when you hear the question,

Then there will be some response in your body.

It might be an image.

It might be a word.

It might be a song.

It might be a feeling.

It might be a sensation in your body.

All are welcome and all can be your answers.

Yeah.

All right.

So it's good to be here with you guys.

I all love you so much.

Thank you for your experiences,

Sharing your experiences.

It's really touching me how open you all are and how we can discuss this together.

Thank you so much for that.

So now make sure you're comfortable.

Can you have your feet on the ground,

Your buttocks on the seat,

The back against the back of your chair.

If you want to lie down,

Lie down.

If you want to stand,

Stand up.

It's all fine.

Just gently close your eyes.

And just take a moment to feel your body and feel if there's any tension somewhere.

And if you feel any tension,

Then just make a little bit more tension there.

And then let go.

So for instance,

If you have tension in your shoulders,

Then just pull them up all the way to your ears.

And then you just let go and sigh it out.

If you feel a tension in your forehead,

Then just make a wrinkly forehead,

Make a lemon face and let go.

If you're clenching your jaws,

Then just make a prune face,

Pull everything together and let go.

If you're pulling in your belly,

Then just pull it in stronger,

Stronger,

Stronger,

Stronger and let go.

All right,

Now just feel again your body,

If it's a little bit more relaxed.

If there are still places where you feel some tension,

I'm stressed,

Then bring your focus there and just do the same what we just did,

Making some more tension and then let go when you sigh it out.

All right,

Now let's bring our attention to our senses.

Our attention will be more in the present moment,

Lying with our body and the function,

The beautiful functions of our beautiful bodies,

Which are such beautiful vehicles for who we truly are.

So I would like you to bring all your attention to whatever you are hearing right now.

So you hear my voice,

That's the most prevalent thing,

But when I'm going to be quiet for a moment,

Then listen to the furthest sound in your environment.

And now listen to the most subtle sounds in your environment.

And maybe you can hear your own breath,

Your heartbeat.

All right,

Now bring your attention to everything you see with your eyes closed.

With your eyes closed,

You still can see things,

Even though it's different.

Maybe you just see darkness or light shimmering through your eyelids.

Maybe you see images in your mind's eye.

Maybe you see colored dots,

Swirling colors.

Whatever you see,

You don't have to change it.

Just observe whatever you see with your eyes closed.

Now bring your attention to your sense of taste.

What do you taste?

There's always some taste of something you just ate or drank.

Or maybe the taste of a dry mouth.

Some acidity.

All your attention to your taste.

All right,

Now bring your attention to your sense of smell.

What are you smelling?

There are probably more dominant fragrances like perfume or aftershave or flowers.

Coffee you just made.

Food you cooked.

But can you smell also more subtle smells?

The quality of the air.

The detergent you washed your laundry with.

Well,

Now bring your attention to your sense of touch.

So that is probably pretty clear.

You feel your feet on the ground,

Your bum in the seat,

Your arms,

Your hands in your lap.

Can you feel also more subtle feelings like your clothes on your skin,

Your hairs in the back of your neck or on your face?

Can you feel the air on your skin,

On your cheeks?

Let's tune in together.

Let's put our hands on our chest if you like.

The middle of your chest,

Your heart space.

And just slowly bring your attention to that place.

If it's hard for you,

You can imagine there's a little light there that you bring your attention to.

If you still find it hard,

You can bring your attention to the middle of your head and then imagine that this attention is traveling with an elevator down from your head through your throat,

Behind your collarbone,

Landing in your chest and your heart,

Where you see that little light burning.

Just be with that place in your heart for a moment.

And see how it feels.

If you are experiencing any emotions,

Whether they are pleasant or unpleasant,

That's okay.

Just know that sometimes it happens when you connect with your inner wisdom,

Your inner voice.

Maybe even without hearing what it has to say,

Just the truth of that connection might make you feel something,

Emotions.

Whether these are pleasant or unpleasant,

It doesn't matter.

It's okay.

If it's too unpleasant and you cannot really stand it,

Then just open your eyes and you will see me,

And you will see a room and you will know that you are safe.

But if you are okay,

Then just be with that feeling for a moment.

Allow yourself that feeling.

And if it is feeling unpleasant,

Then by all means,

Be gentle with yourself.

Hug yourself.

Put your arms around yourself.

Rock yourself.

Caress yourself.

Comfort yourself.

Have your own back.

That is self-gentleness.

You're doing it so well.

So I'm going to ask a few questions,

And after every question,

I will repeat it again and then be silent for a moment.

You will not be overthinking things,

And if you do,

That's okay.

But try to just go with the very first thing that pops up in your awareness.

And that is the answer to your question.

And even if you don't understand that question,

That is okay.

You will later on,

Maybe tomorrow,

Maybe in an hour,

You will understand what it means.

While you're sitting here in connection to your heart,

I'm going to ask you to ask yourself,

What is it that you really need right now?

What is it that you really need right now?

Yeah,

That's beautiful.

And if it moves you,

That's okay.

If you have emotions,

Whatever emotion it is,

That is okay.

Be gentle with yourself.

Now,

Next question.

Ask yourself,

How can I give this to myself?

What can I do right now?

How can I give this to myself?

What can I do right now?

Be open to that answer.

Don't reject it.

Don't judge it.

Don't throw anything on the road,

Thinking that it might not be possible.

It's okay.

Just get the answer.

Just receive that answer as knowledge.

Be with that feeling for a moment.

It's okay.

You're doing it exactly right.

And if this is one of the first times that you're tuning in,

No worries.

It will get easier.

All right.

So,

Next question.

The last time I procrastinated,

What was it that I actually needed?

The last time I procrastinated,

What was it that I actually needed?

Next question.

How can I give myself this when I notice that I procrastinate again?

How can I give myself this when I notice that I procrastinate again?

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

Now,

For a moment,

Imagine that whatever you just heard that you would like to give to yourself,

Now imagine,

Use your fantasy that you just give this to yourself.

Everything you could think of that stands in the way is not valid here because this is your fantasy.

This is your imagination.

In your imagination,

In your fantasy,

Everything is possible.

Imagine and use your fantasy.

See it.

Feel it.

Know it.

Sing it.

Think it.

That you allow yourself to receive this,

What you need.

And when you do,

Be aware of what you're feeling.

Does it feel like relief?

Does it feel like sighing it out?

Does it feel like ease?

And if you feel any resistance or you have some trouble connecting to this,

That's okay.

It takes some practice to get there.

It's okay.

You're doing it exactly right.

Just repeat the practice and it will be okay.

You can relax your hands in your lap and just sit for a moment.

Feel again how your body feels,

If there's anything different,

If you're more relaxed,

If this connection,

This inner knowledge,

Wisdom,

Has brought you some more relaxation.

Even the slightest relief is already great.

And if you don't,

That's fine too.

You cannot do this wrong.

You're doing it exactly right.

You are where you are and that is okay.

No matter what,

You're worthy.

No matter what,

You are lovable.

No matter what,

You are uniquely you and you are loved.

Take a moment to bring your attention back to your buttocks,

Where you're sitting on,

Your feet on the ground,

To feel that connection with Mother Earth below you again.

Feel how your hands are in your lap and you can wiggle your fingers and toes,

Stretch your spine.

And then,

Take your time.

Whenever you're ready,

You can slowly open your eyes.

Take your time.

And when you come here,

Then take some time,

Take a minute or so,

To write down,

To journal about the insights that you got from my talk,

From this meditation.

And if you do not really know what the insights were,

But you did have answers,

Whether it's images or a song or knowing or feeling,

Then just write that down.

And if you don't know what the answer is,

Then promise yourself that you will start to understand this.

There will be a moment later today or tomorrow or this week or this month that suddenly you think,

Ah,

That was it,

That was that insight.

It will come to you.

Your subconsciousness works like magic.

Ask for it and it will bring you.

So better ask for good stuff,

Better ask for self-gentleness,

Better ask for your own kindness,

Your own love,

You're so worthy.

I'm very happy that it was helpful,

Dear Mary.

Kirsten,

You know,

You're saying that there exists something like time blindness.

By all means,

Then,

Look it up,

Because I can see that it might be hard to lose track of time.

But also know that time is something that we as human beings made up,

Right?

It's easy.

I mean,

It's good that we have time,

Because you all knew to be here in time,

To be here with me on the other side of the world.

And we all have our own time,

So we will be there at my time,

9.

30 Central European Time,

Which is 3.

30 at Eastern Time.

However,

We made this up.

Time as such doesn't exist.

And it might be hard when you have appointments or people expecting you at a certain place.

But I would rather be just gentle with myself and put an alarm clock.

Put reminders.

And then,

Not in the last moment,

But give yourself the time to get somewhere.

Allow yourself to enjoy that you're so flexible with time.

And only use the sense of time with alarm clocks and reminders if you are really,

Really in need of being somewhere,

Having to be somewhere in time.

And for the rest,

Enjoy the timelessness,

Because there is something powerful in feeling timelessness.

Alright.

So,

My lovely friends,

Thank you so much for being here.

I would love for you to listen to my work here on InsightTimer,

To share it with others within InsightTimer,

Outside of InsightTimer.

If you are not yet part of my meditation group here,

My Self-Gentleness group on InsightTimer,

Then please join me.

Listen also to my courses if you have a premium InsightTimer account.

If you don't have it,

I would really,

Really recommend you that for a small fee every year,

You get access to so many beautiful courses on InsightTimer.

All the premium tracks and some other perks.

And you really support InsightTimer to be here and create so many free stuff for all people all over the world.

You support us,

The teachers,

To keep on creating these things.

If you are interested in receiving a free Self-Gentleness guide with some Self-Gentleness practices,

You can check out the link in my bio here on InsightTimer.

You can download it for free.

It is supportive of also all my courses here on InsightTimer.

If you have the means and you would like to support my work,

Besides listening to it and sharing it,

I would also really appreciate a donation so I can also continue all the free work here on InsightTimer,

If you have the means and if you feel called to do so.

I really,

Really enjoyed being here with you guys.

I will tell you,

I will be back here on the 11th of April.

And then there is another topic that I got from one of the participants here,

Which is Delicate Decluttering.

That will be session 4 on the 9th of May.

It will be the topic When Empathy Defies Self-Gentleness.

And on the 13th of June,

What's Your Story Holding You Back?

And that will be Self-Gentleness in Action,

Session 6.

There will be more live scheduled soon,

But you can already sign up for these.

Do so,

Please,

Because the more people listen to me,

The more people sign up,

The more the algorithm,

Even InsightTimer has an algorithm,

Knows that my work is valuable and it needs to be shared with the world.

So you can support me with that.

I really would recommend that so much.

Thank you all so much for being here.

It was a pleasure seeing you all.

And I hope to see you next month,

The second Friday of the month,

On the 11th of April.

Sending you all so much love.

Have a self-gentle weekend and take good care of yourself.

Procrastinate and enjoy it.

Be self-gentle.

Bye-bye.

Reviews

While you shared about your writing process (intro first), I found myself reliving an “aha!” moment I had while in university. I also enjoy(ed) writing - I used to consider it my “first language” because it was easier to write my thoughts than speak them 🙂 - but always struggled when it came time to compose papers. While I “occasionally” opted for more enjoyable recreation over the assignments - especially as the deadline caused a sense claustrophobia - I was often mentally processing all that I needed to convey…and likely becoming overwhelmed with all that I didn’t know.
One late night/early morning, though, while pulling an all-nighter to write the paper due in several hours, I noted that the intro alone had taken me seven hours and that there was no way I’d have the paper done in time for class. However, the relief and lightness I felt was unmatched; the paper would be late, but I knew that I could finish it…and that it would be good! Crafting the intro helped create a roadmap - differently than an outline - and clarified the connections I’d been processing.

Sadly, that realization didn’t eliminate my tendency towards anxious procrastination around papers (or tests, or performance in general) , but I did approach them differently. I was more mindful of my thoughts leading up to deadlines, and kept a notebook with me to record random insights in preparation.

I think that this memory, paired with tips you shared - especially the questions at the end - might help me move past a seemingly endless period of paralyzing procrastination. Thank you!🙏