Mindfulness For Challenging Times (Talk)

This talk offers concrete ways to practice mindfulness in challenging times. Exploring finding more presence and stability, offering kindness and acceptance to our experience, and building a foundation of generosity and connection so we can face whatever challenges we might meet.

Transcript

Okay,

So maybe we can make a start.

You'll notice there's a new face in here.

So,

Ethan,

I'm sure you can introduce himself and we'll hear a little bit from Ethan and then have some questions.

So,

Ethan.

So lovely to be here with you.

My name is Ethan.

I'm one of the retreat leaders at Sharpen and I'm here to offer some reflections around this theme of the day,

Mindfulness for challenging times.

And I'm guessing that you've come here because that resonated in some way.

Maybe there's some challenges within,

In terms of mental health difficulties,

Some inner turbulence or challenge.

Maybe there's something going on in your life that feels challenging in a particular circumstance,

A loss or an illness or some other difficulty.

Or it might just be that you feel like we're in together collectively,

A challenging time.

Which,

Yeah,

I think just opening a newspaper or turning on the evening news,

I think that's very much present as well for all of us.

And,

You know,

However it feels to you that you're in a challenging moment,

Or maybe you're not and that's great,

But,

You know,

We all go through them.

And for me,

When I feel like I'm in a challenging time,

You know,

I have this sense of almost like I'm walking on thin ice,

You know,

Over an icy lake.

And,

You know,

I'm not quite sure where it's safe to walk that I won't kind of fall through into a greater challenge or difficulty.

And I can kind of see some of you nodding,

Maybe that relates.

It kind of feels like we can be a little bit fragile.

And we're always close to this place of greater difficulty.

And mindfulness is a gift that lets us slow down,

You know,

When we're in these patches of thin ice,

And maybe make our way with a little bit more care,

A little bit more attention,

Moving a bit more slowly,

Carefully,

So we don't fall through into this place of greater difficulty,

So that we can actually navigate our way back to safe ground.

And so I wanted to offer some reflections that I found really helpful in my own practice for working in challenging times.

You know,

The first is probably the most challenging piece of advice I've ever got.

A few years,

Well,

Actually,

Nearly 10 years ago now,

I came to live in a Buddhist monastery for a few years.

And when I first arrived,

You know,

I had pretty simple tasks,

Just working in the kitchen,

Helping in the gardens.

But I was definitely at a time where I was quite fragile or turbulent in myself,

And still very eager to please and work hard and do a lot.

And I remember one day,

There was a slightly older monk that kind of had taken me under his wing.

And he sat me and some of the other younger guys down,

I was in my early 20s at that time.

And he said to us,

I want you to make sure that you never go below 30% in terms of your energy.

And he went on to explain that,

You know,

That's kind of the bare minimum.

You know,

When we notice our energy,

Our well being is below 30,

That's the time to actually stop what we're doing,

And rest.

You know,

He was very,

Very strong about it.

And I remember thinking,

That seems impossible.

I'm always kind of like,

At that low point,

And you know,

There's things to do,

Even,

You know,

In this quite spacious monastery,

I felt very rushed all the time,

Very pressed.

I was carrying probably a lot of internal things that were pushing me in many different directions.

And so I didn't really know how to put his advice into practice,

You know,

How could I be helping prepare the meal for the community?

And,

You know,

If I was feeling below 30%,

Just say,

Sorry,

Guys,

You know,

I'm going to leave the kitchen now and let everyone else just prepare the meal and clock out,

You know,

That didn't feel quite right.

But I had his kind of advice,

Echoing in my mind.

And so I was a lot more mindful,

Actually,

Of where I was,

In terms of my energy.

And especially when I did dip below 30%,

It was almost like his voice came in,

You know,

You need to stop now,

You need to rest.

And I would look for the opportunity,

You know,

Rather than going to talk to someone rather than doing something else,

You know,

Whenever I had the space,

Just taking some time for me just to be still,

Just to replenish rather than keeping going,

Keeping pushing myself.

Over time,

Too,

I sort of got more comfortable actually saying no when there were additional requests that didn't have to be done,

Or actually,

You know,

Sharing with the people around me,

You know,

I'm feeling a bit low,

Can I come back to this later?

Just starting to attune to myself.

And this is the first thing we just want to know where we're at.

You know,

Where where are we in terms of our energy levels,

This is like the most basic mindfulness.

And before we do anything differently,

We just need to see,

See clearly what's actually going on in us.

You know,

Where are we?

And also bringing this appreciation that we need time to replenish that we need time to rest,

We need time to take care of ourselves.

And then making that a priority making that something that we're aware of.

And this doesn't necessarily need to be creating additional time doing more things.

You know,

Actually,

I think a lot of it is is where we can do in a bit less.

Something I know this isn't a Buddhist space necessarily,

But I'm bringing it in in a spirit of curiosity.

But something else I learned from the Buddhist tradition is this idea of guarding your sense doors.

So this idea that we're always kind of taking in,

You know,

Information,

Sensory impressions,

Stimulation from the world outside.

Don't know if you can relate to this,

Like there's lots of things we take in as we go through the day,

You know,

Every conversation,

Everything we listen to everything we read,

It kind of has an imprint,

It might be subtle,

It might be quite strong,

But it's there,

It's a resonance within us.

And probably a lot of that is unavoidable.

You know,

We can't just shut people off,

We can't,

You know,

Close ourselves off from the world outside.

But there's probably some of those things that are kind of optional,

Or things that we've chosen to take in.

You know,

How do we choose to spend our leisure time?

What programs do we choose to switch on?

What books do we choose to listen to?

How do we spend the moments that we have to ourselves?

You know,

Who do we pick up the phone and call,

You know,

And beginning to be mindful of what we're taking in?

What am I receiving,

And perhaps minimizing the unnecessary stresses?

And even things like,

You know,

Reading the newspaper each day or watching a news program,

You know,

Things that might seem quite innocuous,

Maybe social media,

Depending on what's on your feed,

You know,

What are we taking in?

And can we actually be mindful of how that lands in us?

Especially when we are attuned to the breath,

The breath,

It tells us how we're responding.

You know,

When we get stressed,

The breath tends to become a bit more held a bit more fast,

A bit more shallow.

And we can just notice,

You know,

As we open the newspaper,

You know,

What effect does this have on my body and mind?

You know,

And do I actually have space?

Do I need to take this in right now?

You know,

We're just beginning to ask these questions,

You know,

Introduce this,

This kind of element of choicefulness.

And we can also ask,

You know,

What,

What might be a better way?

What might be something that actually helps my body and mind rest and restore itself?

So it's kind of at its best.

It's not that we need to permanently shut ourselves off from from difficulty or challenge.

But it's just that when we are at that low ebb,

You know,

When we're at that kind of 30% mark,

We might need to be a bit more careful,

And maybe build ourselves up to maybe 70 or 80.

Before we invite in,

You know,

That challenging conversation with a friend,

Or you know,

That upsetting news report that tells us what's going on in the world.

You know,

We're just bringing some intelligence,

You know,

To what we receive and when we do it,

You know,

And especially when we are at that low ebb,

We kind of need to build up that buffer.

So when some something unexpected happens,

You know,

When there is a challenge that kind of we don't see coming that knocks us off,

You know,

We have a little bit of cushion,

You know,

That we're not just crashing through that that thin ice into the cold water where we're we're drowning.

But we we have that,

You know,

That safety,

You know,

That that little bit that we need just in case,

Just in case something else comes along.

You know,

All this is mindfulness practice is probably,

You know,

Not what you think of if you're used to just thinking of mindfulness as sitting on a cushion and meditating.

But all this is bringing that awareness,

That intelligence about,

You know,

What is going on in us?

What do we need?

How can we take the best care of ourselves,

You know,

Especially in the challenging moments.

So we want to be mindful of our energy,

Mindful of what we're taking in.

And I think we also want to make an effort to invite in the things that are positive or nourishing or healing.

You know,

Sometimes it's just about doing a bit less,

You know,

Giving ourselves space just to be still rather than rushing round.

But it's also about choosing where we replace our awareness moment to moment,

Taking in the small things that are okay,

That maybe even lift us or nourish us or bring us some very small amount of joy.

There's another story I love from India,

From ancient India,

About a very poor woman who's travelling from one village to the next.

And she's doing it on foot.

And,

You know,

In ancient India,

The villages are very far apart,

It might be a whole day to walk by foot from one place to the other.

And as she's walking along,

The sun is shining down,

And she's hot,

And she's tired.

She's becoming more and more exhausted as she goes through the day.

And she's thirsty.

So she begins to look out,

You know,

Where can I find some water on this path?

You know,

Still such a long way from the next village.

And then she continues to walk.

She sees nothing.

But then at one point in the crossroads,

She sees in a very small hoofprint,

Just a very small little amount of water.

And she realises that if she tries to scoop the water up,

She's going to muddy it and it won't be drinkable.

She realises that the only way she can receive this water is to get down on her hands and knees and bring her lips to the hoofprint so she can drink the water and sustain herself.

So I kind of like this image.

It's one of great humility and great need.

When I'm in a challenging moment,

You know,

I feel this great need to find just even a small moment of stillness,

Of peace,

Of something good I can take in.

So how can we find that in our daily life?

Now this too is a gift of mindfulness practice.

Just being able to take even a single moment just to close our eyes in the midst of everything that's going on and take a breath.

And just like that woman who's hot and thirsty,

You know,

It's not enough.

That small hoofprint is not enough.

A single breath is not enough to completely change the situation.

But the greatness of our need demands that we take it.

Does that make sense?

It's like we have to take these small moments because they're all that's available to us.

And it's not like we can completely fix ourselves usually,

You know,

Change the situation,

Like suddenly feel replenished and well in a few moments.

But we can begin to set this intention to collect,

You know,

These small amounts of water,

These small amounts of grounding,

Of calming,

Or of well being.

And over time,

You know,

Almost like we're collecting small drops in a great big bowl,

You know,

We're diligent about collecting them,

You know,

There is enough to quench our thirst.

But we need to take it seriously those small moments,

You know,

Just the single breath,

The power to just take the edge off,

You know,

To do something to help something to,

To change the direction of our momentum,

Really,

You know,

Just feeling our feet on the earth,

Our bum on the sea.

Taking a moment just to scan through the body and just see,

You know,

Where is there some tension that I can soften or release?

When I first came to my practice,

Something that was very present for me was anxiety.

And there was a lot of anxiety within me.

And I think,

You know,

Every time I would,

I would pause and come back to myself and take a breath and notice what was going on.

You know,

The thing that I would notice was,

Oh,

I'm feeling anxious,

You know,

Almost without fail,

You know,

And when I came to do retreats and longer retreats,

You know,

Even 10-20 times a day,

I could pause,

Anxiety would be there.

We can recognize our kind of habit,

You know,

The familiar landscape,

And we can also do something to widen the field.

So for me,

With the anxiety,

It was this kind of chronic feeling of,

I don't feel safe,

I don't feel at peace.

So when I would take my mindful pause,

I try and bring some softness and ease to the body,

But I'd also just take a moment just to look around and see,

You know,

Actually in this moment,

There's nothing I need to worry about.

You know,

And I'd see,

You know,

I'd check it out,

You know,

Is there something I need to worry about right now,

You know,

In this moment?

You know,

Almost always the answer was no.

You know,

Usually our anxieties or our fears or our concerns,

They're almost always about the past or the future.

They're very rarely about something that's happening right in this moment.

This is another way mindfulness helps us because we come to see that actually most of the time things are okay.

You know,

Even though there's things to take care of in the future,

Maybe there's things that have gone really badly in the past.

But in this moment,

You know,

More or less,

It could always be better,

Could always be better,

But more or less okay.

You know,

And we're allowing ourselves to receive that,

To take that in to kind of let it slowly sink in.

We're so used to fixating on the things that are going wrong,

The things that need our attention.

We were just also noticing what else is here.

We can also kind of lean into things that are pleasant,

Are beautiful,

Offering us some kind of moment of stillness.

You know,

These things are always available,

But the problem is we overlook them because they're so small.

They're like that hoofprint of water.

They're not enough.

So we don't take that moment just to look up and enjoy the blue sky or to pause and hear the birdsong.

We have three meals a day.

That's usually something fairly pleasant that we can enjoy.

But how much of that food do we actually taste?

Or how much are we kind of lost in our conversation or in our thoughts and our plans,

In our anxieties?

So we're inviting ourselves to come back to what's actually going on,

To receive that,

To let that shift the kind of focus of our awareness.

And even something as small as ordinary as making a cup of tea.

There's a lot in there if we just show up.

That's not a big hit of pleasantness,

But it's kind of pleasant.

The sound of water pouring,

I always think is quite nice.

It's not hugely,

Mind-blowingly wow,

But it's nice.

It's something pleasant.

It must be because there's hundreds of YouTube videos with water sounds,

Sleep to eight hours of water sounds.

We're choosing to engage in this,

But we kind of miss it when it's there.

Just the sound of the water pouring in our cup,

The sight of the tea gently infusing and spreading out,

The little supernova of milk,

Feeling the warmth of the tea soak through our fingertips,

Or just hearing the little chink of the spoon.

All these things are nice.

And they're not hugely,

Mind-blowingly amazing,

But they're just these simple moments that we can begin to allow ourselves to receive that kind of shift the landscape of what we're focusing on.

This is our practice.

This is our practice.

We're just gently nudging ourselves in a new direction,

Opening up something a little bit different.

So mindfulness is not necessarily about changing anything or fixing anything.

In fact,

There's very much this attitude of accepting things just as they are,

Allowing them to be just as they are,

Even when they are difficult,

Even when they are challenging.

We want to come home to our body,

But we don't want to force anything to be different.

It's almost like we're just getting our head above the water.

Usually we're kind of lost,

Completely lost in our thoughts,

In our emotions.

We're just kind of moving through blindly in that world.

And actually the first thing mindfulness does is just help us see what's going on.

And actually we can often see,

Wow,

The mind is just so busy.

There's so many difficulties in us.

You know,

It can be a little bit uncomfortable actually to enter into mindfulness when we're in a challenging moment,

But it's useful because we're getting a little bit of space.

You know,

We're not just completely lost in the thoughts and the emotions.

We're actually seeing,

Okay,

This is going on.

It's like we're getting our head above the water to see what's happening.

There's another image I kind of find helpful,

Which is,

You know,

In a kind of challenging moment,

It's almost like we're a tree in a storm.

If you imagine seeing a tree in the storm,

It's like the branches and the leaves are kind of getting whipped around and you know,

There's so much movement and agitation and it's kind of like our thoughts or our feelings when we're in a challenging time.

But in the storm,

Even though the branches and the leaves are getting swirled around,

The trunk is still kind of steady,

Strong,

Rooted.

And the same for us.

The invitation with mindfulness is to come down from the world of thoughts.

You know,

It can still be there,

It can still be going on,

Emotions,

But coming down into the body because the body has a little bit more stability,

A little bit more rootedness.

So we're learning how to rest our awareness there into a place where we can feel a bit more anchored,

A bit more grounded.

So rather than getting lost in the story and the feelings,

We're just taking some time to calm,

You know,

To get the space before we look into the difficulty of what's going on.

We usually jump straight to,

I need to fix this,

How can I solve this?

You know,

We kind of get the wheels churning even faster and faster as we try and find solutions.

But actually mindfulness is just inviting us to come just down and find our groundedness,

Our centeredness first.

We might find that in the anchor of the breath,

If that's helpful for you.

We can just bring our awareness into,

You know,

Simple parts of the body,

Like just letting the awareness rest in the hands,

Noticing where the hands are resting,

Feeling the surface underneath the hands.

Just gently bringing our awareness back,

Back to single point.

So we can again,

Just find some stability.

Could be the feeling of our hips on the chair.

Could be the feeling of our feet on the earth.

But we're just giving ourselves a moment to kind of root down into something more stable.

You know,

And if you practice mindfulness of your hands or your feet,

You know,

There's usually not a lot of emotional thought going on there.

So we just gently let that peace recede into the background and as best we can,

You know,

It is a challenge,

You know,

As best we can just rooting our awareness into something a little bit more simple,

Just so we can give ourselves a little bit of space before we come to face the storm.

I usually find for myself,

You know,

When there's a lot of strong thinking going on,

There's almost always some tension in the body associated with that.

So again,

You know,

Coming into the body and just notice,

You know,

If there's something we're really fixated on,

We're really hooked on,

You know,

Where are we holding this,

You know,

And actually allowing that to soften in the body.

It is noticing how the body is kind of contracting often in the face and the shoulders,

We kind of fiddle with our hands and we might hold our belly in tight,

You know,

We kind of clench yourself in some way when we're in in that storm.

And so we want to rather than being lost in the thoughts,

Just come to the body and notice,

You know,

Where am I tightening?

Where am I bracing myself?

Can I actually allow the body to soften to open to as best I can release,

You know,

That aspect.

And I often find when I do that,

Actually,

You know,

Something in the mind in the heart also softens also has a little release.

They usually come straight back.

But you know,

Do doing our best to just bring some small moment,

Just a small moment of softness of letting go.

We don't want to turn us off into the problem that we need to fix.

This is the real radical message.

It's like allowing these things to be here.

You know,

We all go through challenging moments.

There's going to be times you know,

And I've been doing this for well over 10 years.

And I've,

You know,

I've made this the centre of my life,

But there's still moments where I kind of get swept away,

You know,

And I come to meditate and it's like,

Craziness,

You know,

That's the storm.

You know,

What's changed is I guess I have a little bit more ability to calm and change the situation slightly,

Depending on how triggered I am.

Because if I'm really triggered,

It might be impossible.

But the biggest changes is rather than seeing that as a problem,

Beating myself up for thinking this has to change,

Is there's more of this attitude of,

You know,

This is okay.

This is part of what it means to be human.

This gentleness and allowing for the ups and downs that are an inevitable part of all of our lives.

It's not reasonable to expect that we,

You know,

We lose our job or someone important to us,

And that we can sit down and become this tranquil oasis.

We can learn some of these skills to bring more calmness and more centredness into our life.

But probably the biggest thing is creating this shift in attitude where we're more allowing,

We're more gentle,

We're more permissive of the messiness,

Of the chaos,

Of the ups and downs,

The highs and lows that we all kind of go through.

There's one more image which is,

You know,

I don't know if some of you might be parents or grandparents or know some small children.

If you imagine a small child with a fever or a cold,

You know,

And they're in bed and,

You know,

We come and we offer them some gentleness.

You know,

We place our hand on their forehead,

You know,

We check they're okay,

We tuck them in,

We offer them care and attention when we're at our best.

You know,

We offer them love,

But we don't do that to make the fever go away.

We don't do that thinking this will make them feel better,

You know,

In physically,

But we offer that care because it's needed.

And we too need that element of care,

Of kindness,

Especially when we're in moments of challenge.

So we don't engage in these practices without intention,

I'm going to fix these problems,

I'm going to make them go away,

I'm going to become this different person.

But we're offering this care,

This attention because it's what's needed.

And we're just letting that penetrate.

We know that that small child,

You know,

Just that caring presence already changes something very important.

You know,

When we pick up a crying baby,

You know,

We might not know how to help straight away.

You know,

Are they thirsty?

Are they hungry?

Do they need their diaper changed?

Do they need a nap?

You know,

We don't know what they need.

But just the act of being there in a loving way.

It already offers some some reassurance,

Some soothing.

So this is maybe a step beyond mindfulness.

How can we offer this,

This care,

This kindness,

It's kind of another growing edge.

How can we offer this tenderness to ourselves in these moments of challenge?

You know,

Knowing that's kind of what human hearts need.

They're thirsty for this kindness.

And for many of us,

We might be much more engaged in beating ourselves up telling ourselves we're not doing well enough,

We're not doing good enough,

We're not enough.

And kindness is,

You know,

It's deepening into this aspect of mindfulness that's non judgmental,

Allowing,

Permissive.

We can offer that through a touch.

He's placing a hand on our heart,

Maybe through some kind words like it's okay.

It's okay to feel this way.

We're beginning to cultivate this gentle attitude,

Rather than this attitude of hostility or aggression that so many of us carry towards ourself.

This is quite a big thing.

You know,

If the kindness feels like so far away from maybe you're in quite a self critical place at the moment,

Just knowing that actually allowing ourselves to be as we are,

You know,

This aspect of mindfulness,

Letting things be there,

That's already the first step of kindness.

So even for a moment,

If we can just,

You know,

Let our mind be racing,

Let our feelings be what they are,

Without needing to do something to fix it or to change it.

That's already a step in this direction.

So it is a foundation for something more.

So I think there's just a couple more things I want to say before we open up to questions,

Which is I guess,

We've been talking a lot about our personal practice,

How we can relate to ourselves,

How we can move through the world.

But I also want to talk about the engagement or the re-engagement because that's important too.

I think one thing that can help us when we're at a low ebb,

Especially when there's a lot going on,

A lot of things to do and take care of,

Is come into this idea of what's the most important thing?

You know,

What's our priorities?

Just getting that straight because I think it's really easy when we're feeling overwhelmed to kind of get bogged down in the details that somehow we're feeling at that kind of low point,

Below 30%.

And,

You know,

The shopping is just as important as this big work project or just as important our family,

You know,

Breaking a cup feels catastrophic.

So we need to kind of have this sense of perspective and clarity about what matters to us.

You know,

What is the most important thing to me?

And I wanted to read this poem by Rumi,

Which I love.

It's short.

He says,

A good gauge of spiritual health is to write down the three things you want most.

If they in any way differ,

You are in trouble.

So I kind of like this because I think there's some truth to it.

A good gauge of our spiritual health is to think of the three things that we want the most.

If they any way differ,

We're in trouble.

It's like,

Do you actually know what's most important?

Do you know what's going to matter?

And when you come to the end of your life,

When you're at your deathbed,

You know,

What are you going to look back and value?

What are you going to look back and regret?

You know,

We need to know that because that's like the compass that guides us to what we need to use our precious energy for.

So often we get,

I guess,

A loss of perspective when we're at our low point.

And just finding that clarity,

You know,

Even if it's three different things,

You know,

That matter the most.

I think usually we have about 10 or 20.

But even if we can just bring it down to three,

You know,

What are the three things that I want to give my time and energy to?

What can I let go of what's not so important,

What's not going to be important at all in 10 or 20 years time?

You know,

We're bringing this different perspective on our life and what's going on.

And the last story I have for you is from the Sufi tradition.

It speaks about two great masters of the time.

And there was an elder master and a younger master.

They were both very well known throughout the,

I guess,

The Islamic lands where they were from.

And the younger master came to a point,

You know,

He was famous,

He was a great teacher,

He'd helped so many people.

But he came to a point where he felt deeply empty inside.

He felt like he'd lost his connection to the divine to what it meant to be alive.

And while he was still offering words that were helpful for many,

It was like the spark,

The joy,

The life within him had died.

And he decided that he needed to do something.

So he set out on a journey to find this other famous master,

The elder,

Hoping that he could sit at the feet of this other teacher and receive something that would heal his soul.

So he set out on the journey and about halfway there he met an old man in,

I guess,

A tavern or something on the road.

And the old man asked him,

You know,

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

Why are you traveling so far?

And the young teacher said,

You know,

He opened his heart and spoke about his difficulty,

His despair,

And that he was seeking this great teacher who would help him lead him back to his connection with the divine.

And the old man looked at him for a long time in silence.

And he said,

You have found him,

It's me.

So come and I will teach you.

And they stayed together for many years,

The younger learning from the elder,

Finding a lot of joy and well being together.

And one day,

The old man sat the younger man down and he said there's something I need to tell you.

The day that we met in the tavern by the road,

I too had fallen into despair.

I too had lost my sense of meaning and purpose.

And I had also embarked on a journey to find you,

Hoping that you would help me and guide me back to the light.

And you have.

So I tell this story because,

You know,

In us there's this deep need to matter,

To connect and help other people.

And I think this too is an indispensable part of our journey.

It may be that the love and care for ourself is the peace that's most neglected.

And by taking care of that,

It's like we can offer the fullness of our heart outwards more.

But it may be for some of you that that's the peace that's missing.

The sense of connection,

Of belonging,

Of contribution to the people around us.

And there's so much evidence that connection is actually,

You know,

Really important for us.

It's the best indicator of our health and happiness that we have actually.

And that loneliness is,

You know,

You might have heard this as bigger risk factor as,

You know,

Smoking two packs of cigarettes a day for our health.

How can we find this sense of belonging?

How can we reach out our hands?

One of my teachers says,

You know,

If we want to be helped,

We need to hold out our hands.

So that's the thought I want to end on.

We have another 10 minutes together for questions.

If anyone has any things they'd like to hear more about or,

You know,

A question that you'd find helpful to ask for your practice or your life,

Then I'd be happy to take that either.

You can unmute or put that in chat.