I had a really tough childhood,
So much so that growing up and becoming an independent adult felt almost like waking up from a bad dream.
For many years,
However,
I felt the reverberations of those traumas affecting my life in immense ways,
Like recurring nightmares with my eyes open.
I couldn't shake certain patterns,
Toxic relationships,
Self-destructive behaviors,
And addictive tendencies haunted me like ghosts from previous lives.
I wanted desperately to be free,
To play like a child on the sand,
Unbothered by the noises in my mind and the chatter of society's critical voices.
I wanted to stop comparing myself to others and revel in life's simple pleasures,
Like my first sip of coffee in the morning,
Before the burdens of the world were laid upon me.
One day,
I made my escape.
I left behind everything that reminded me of my traumatic childhood,
All those who knew me for the identity I had created in my 36 years of trying to conform and started over.
In a new country,
In a new land,
I had the freedom to rebuild myself any way I wanted.
I could choose whether or not to conform.
I could choose the values I wanted and the life I wanted to live.
What I discovered in this process of self-realization was that I wasn't rebuilding myself at all.
Instead,
I was breaking down false beliefs about who I was.
As I brought my traumas into the light of awareness,
They began to dissolve.
One day,
While deep in meditation,
I experienced a profound sense of spaciousness,
Where all sense of self evaporated into an infinite expanse of nothingness.
I realized that at the foundation of the infinite myriad of forms in this universe was boundless space,
And that I,
Too,
Was that space.
That space was the core of my being,
Preceding even my sense of consciousness.
What I'm writing now is about finding that space.
It represents my desire to share the liberation available to us all when we realize the core of our being beyond the noise of the mind and our false sense of self.
In this spaciousness,
The dramas of our lives become meaningless.
We realize just how ephemeral all forms are,
Including our thoughts,
Traumas,
Feelings,
And sense of identity.
None of these forms represent who we truly are.
They all pass like clouds in the infinite expanse of space,
Which is the seat of our consciousness.
How does one find this dimension of awareness?
The answer is surprisingly simple.
Try this exercise.
Close your eyes,
Take a few deep breaths,
And focus your attention on your hand.
Feel the sensation of life force in your hand,
Perhaps in the form of tingling or warmth.
Now,
With your eyes still closed,
Try to find the one who feels the hand.
Find the self who feels the sensation of the hand.
Some may feel the sense of self in the chest,
Head,
Or body.
If you do,
Then ask yourself,
Who feels the sensation in the chest,
Head,
Or body?
What you'll eventually discover is an endless regress,
Because there is no one there.
What you'll find is that even the sense of self we placed so much importance on throughout our lives is just as ephemeral as the sensation of our hand arising and evaporating in space.
Another practice to cultivate this dimension of awareness is to sit quietly in meditation.
Breathe deeply and consciously.
When thoughts or emotions arise,
Rather than pushing them away,
Simply refrain from clinging to them or investing any energy in them.
Allow them to come and go like clouds in a vast,
Spacious sky.
Eventually you will cultivate a spaciousness at the core of your being.
Practice one or both of these techniques daily and you will notice a profound shift in your life,
One of deep peace.
Your practice need not be confined to formal meditation.
You can approach life from the foundation of this spaciousness on a moment-by-moment basis.
Rather than attaching yourself to the events in your life,
Honor them and allow them to pass naturally as you breathe into the spaciousness at the core of your being.
Breathe,
Let everything go,
And the infinite spaciousness will reveal itself.
If this practice resonates with you,
I'd love to hear from you.
Let me know how things are unfolding in your journey of healing.
