What If Those Negative Personality "Traits" Could Change?

What if those "NEGATIVE" personality traits you thought were innate and couldn't change were simply a dysregulated nervous system that was conditioned to support you in safety, that could change...and heal? Guess what? You're not broken! Tune in as Lydia explains a bit more and how to move from what you don't like about how you show up in life, into the process of healing and growth that feels the most REAL to who you truly are.

Transcript

Welcome.

I wanted to do a little talk on this topic because it is not something I ever learned and it would have been really really helpful in my life,

Especially growing up,

If I had learned some of the stuff I know now as an adult with a lot more training.

The topic is your bad personality traits can heal.

I grew up thinking,

Especially as a teenager,

Young adult,

That there were certain parts of my personality that I thought were bad.

And it was really discouraging because I thought these were personality traits.

I thought they couldn't change.

I thought it was just who I was,

What I was born with.

And that was especially discouraging as a teenager and as a young adult and as I continued to be an adult because there are parts of my personality that I kind of almost hated and maybe I did hate them.

And it felt really discouraging because it was aspects that showed up specifically in relationship to other people but also with myself that was hurtful,

You know.

And no one had ever told me this wasn't actually my personality.

For example,

I can be really really really hard on myself in my head.

I can be especially judgmental to myself.

And I thought,

For example,

Perfectionism was part of my personality growing up.

And perfectionism for me came with a lot of anxiety,

Over-analyzing,

Overthinking.

And when I was overwhelmed with anxiety,

Like in arguments or conflict,

You know,

I grew up in a house with a lot of kids and we weren't allowed to get physical.

So we'd get really,

We learned how to get really mean with each other in arguments and like really insult each other and like cut each other verbally.

And I knew that I had grown up in that but I also just kind of assumed it was my personality rather than what it actually is,

Is these parts of ourselves that feel like our personality are simply adaptive strategies that we have had to take on,

Mostly originating in childhood for various reasons,

Due to stress,

Due to trauma,

Due to not having the emotional availability of our parents to help us navigate life and the overwhelm,

Due to any number of other things,

Right?

Stuff happened to us.

We had to adapt in the moment without having the appropriate tools,

Most likely from given from adults or not given from adults.

And then the situations didn't necessarily change.

So we continue to repeat these strategies,

These maladaptive strategies that eventually people could recognize as patterns in us that they attached to our personality.

And then because it continued to be our default,

Because it had to be important at one point in our life to help protect us,

The default we then started believing as if it was our identity.

And I want to come in and kind of maybe disrupt this narrative and say it's not your personality.

These are traits,

These are behaviors that you have taken on in service of your survival and protection.

So I want to say we get to have a certain amount of gratitude for these parts of us,

For these aspects of our personality that we don't love or hate or are ashamed of,

Or that we notice are hurtful to ourselves or others.

We get to recognize that these came from us doing the best we could with the tools and situations we were in to help us survive,

Whether it was emotionally,

Psychologically,

Physically,

Spiritually,

Mentally,

From the situations we were in.

So at one point,

They were in service and the best way we could survive a situation or continue to move through a situation.

Over time,

As we grew,

Right,

As I grew,

I started noticing my capacity of personal growth probably could move forward and eventually let those aspects go.

But I didn't know that I could,

I thought they were just fixed,

A fixed part of me.

Attachment theory,

If you've never heard of it before,

Is a theory that has come out of psychology in the last few decades that's brilliant.

And it talks about how we each have attachment styles.

So depending on our childhood and our upbringing,

Maybe around half based on the studies they've done.

So there's newer and newer studies that are coming out,

But based on the older studies that have been done,

Around half the population is more relatively secure attachment.

And then,

And then there's around four,

It's called insecure attachment styles.

Meaning,

You know,

You might be more avoidant,

You might be more anxious,

You might be a combination of avoidant or anxious.

There might be like a disorganized aspect of how you relate to others.

And it's,

It's an attachment style.

And what's awesome about this theory is that these styles can be shifted and anyone can move to secure attachment.

In the trauma trainings I have taken last year,

I took a somatic trauma therapy training.

I'm currently in a somatic stress release practitioner training.

So I love taking trainings because I want to keep growing and learning so that I can expand my capacity as an embodiment coach and educator for others.

In all of these trainings that are based on the newest research,

The newest modalities,

The newest therapeutic elements of how to shift with work with us with stress,

With trauma,

With release,

With processing life,

To build resilience,

To build health.

Every single one of these modalities and philosophies is rooted in the fact that we are not broken as individuals,

As people.

We have developed strategies over time that look like personality traits that can shift and can heal.

And it is,

It's been one of the most empowering and powerful realizations that I have started to invite in and really claim in my life.

And I can say just personally,

From all the personal practice and work I've put in and starting to really,

Really own that paradigm that I'm not broken,

That I can heal,

That personality traits I don't love about myself are strategies that I used in the past that now I can shift.

All of this is possible.

The shifts have happened in my life.

I have transformed really,

Really important relationships in my life,

Even when the other person didn't appear to be doing work,

Which is what's really cool about this work,

About this personal growth aspect and this concept is that the work we do will 100% have an effect on our nuclear family,

On our community,

On the relationships we have.

And people either like step up to the growth with you or they go out of your life because you step into a new embodiment of a deeper version of authenticity within yourself and sincerity.

And that evokes a different level of relationship and engagement in your life.

So when you notice or have awareness of maybe the way you've acted with a friend or the way you've acted in conflict with a partner or your kids or,

You know,

However personality traits show up for you,

Even with yourself,

Right,

You get to remember and know that these are parts of you that adapted at one time to help you survive a situation or a phase in life.

It did the best it could,

That part of you,

And there's ways to shift this into more authentic versions of your integrity,

Of your values,

Of your strengths.

And it's a really,

Really beautiful process.

And it can be a lot because as we build somatic awareness and mindfulness and start tuning into looking at ourselves and observing our lives and patterns,

At first it can kind of feel overwhelming because we might start seeing a lot more that we don't want to see or that maybe we are in denial of.

We start welcoming in,

Seeing our own blind spots.

And it's a hit to the ego,

I gotta say.

It's a big hit to the ego.

But what's rewarding is if we're willing to garner,

To bring in the resources and support in our lives to move through this,

It's profoundly shifting,

Transforming in your life.

Not just,

Again,

Not even just with others,

But in relationship to yourself.

You're free if anyone,

Any of you listening live want to come up and ask a question or share your experience with this topic.

I felt like it was an important,

You know,

Idea,

Concept to put out there so you can start working with it,

Integrating.

I also want to say that anytime I put out a concept or share my own growth,

It's personal to me.

And the disclaimer is you can agree or disagree with it.

You know,

Sometimes in the disagreement with hearing someone talk,

It allows us to become even more in tune with what our really,

Our truth is and our inner wisdom.

So sometimes the disagreement itself of listening to someone like me express a concept can be even more shifting than if you resonate with what I'm saying,

You know.

So I really encourage and invite all of you listening live or in the replay to tune it,

To take in as much as you wanted of what I said and kind of let it integrate,

You know,

Let it digest in your life and start tuning in to what you,

How you respond to this concept.

The concept being we don't have bad personality traits.

What we think of as bad personality traits are strategies and habits that we developed over time to survive situations that were dangerous on some level,

Whether it was emotionally,

Mentally,

Psychologically,

Physically,

Energetically,

Spiritually,

Right?

Dangerous on some level to our continued growth and thriving.

So it could have been like chronic stress.

It could have been trauma.

It can,

You know,

It can be anywhere on the spectrum where we develop habits.

And the more we practice a habit,

The more to others it looks like a behavior,

The more it becomes a behavior within us,

The more it appears to be part of our personality.

And I want to say that doesn't have our person,

We get to change and these traits that we think of and identify with as our personality.

If we can start to allow ourselves to notice and maybe separate and not no longer identify from it and see it and hold it with compassion.

There's a lot of power in the transformation potential.

And there's a lot of power in you processing and disagreeing or agreeing with me through this process as I talk about this.

So you might be wondering,

Okay,

Cool,

Cool concepts.

What the F do I do?

Like,

Okay,

Now what?

There's a part of me I don't like,

What do I do with that?

The first,

You know,

Invitation is when you start noticing an aspect of how you show up for yourself or with others,

You get to notice and first say,

This is a part of me.

This is a part,

This is a part that I'm exploring,

That I'm feeling that I'm experiencing.

It is not all of me.

And you might even explore the concept of saying,

This is a behavior I've adapted.

I no longer allow this.

I no longer claim this as my personality trait anymore.

And again,

Not from a place of repressing or denial to make it more into your blind spot,

Because we're not trying to push things away and ignore because we all know that doesn't work.

It just stays there and probably grows in the background.

So we're not saying let's push things away and dissociate.

But the idea is when you're noticing an aspect or quality of how you show up in your life internally in your own head or with other people in conversation,

You get to have a gentle awareness and start holding gentleness and self-compassion for yourself and say,

Wow,

That's a part of me I can see that's trying to protect me in this moment or protect me in relation to someone else.

And I want to send love to that part of me,

Even though it's a part that I want to judge.

And I can,

You know,

While I'm talking,

I'm holding my hand on my heart because when we come into a space of self-compassion,

The beauty of cultivating the skill of self-compassion is it opens up space for us to see more and have choice in what to do with what we see.

Self-compassion allows us to kind of release the intensity of feeling the chaos of over-identifying with something and it being our only reality.

When I come into a space of self-compassion,

When I maybe just said a hurtful thing to someone or went into a habit I just don't love that I do and maybe even hate that I do,

Maybe it's self-judgment,

Maybe it's a self-sabotaging pattern,

Whatever,

I might hold a hand on my heart and say,

Lydia,

I love you,

I love you,

Even with this.

And guess what?

This is a part,

This is a part of your life you've experienced.

This is a habit,

This is a strategy that at some point your nervous system and your subconscious thought was the best thing for your survival.

And then I can almost access a level of gratitude for that at that point in my life and at the same time as I'm accessing a sense of gratitude for that part of me,

That subconscious aspect or whatever trying to protect me at that point in my life,

I get to say,

And I'm now welcoming in a shift,

I invite in my integrity of being,

My deepest authenticity,

My inner guide,

My inner wisdom to now show me how to metabolize,

How to process,

How to release this aspect of my life that has shown up that I no longer need,

Is no longer serving me in the direction I want to go.

And I get to lovingly start bringing in boundaries around that.

And as I start bringing in that,

I know I'm talking a little bit in the abstract because a lot of this can happen with a coach,

With a therapist,

With group work,

Right,

In community.

So this is not,

Doesn't necessarily have to be an individual process.

It gets to work in process with others,

Which I highly recommend.

As I start to notice and have compassion for seeing these parts of me that I used to assume were my personality or parts that couldn't shift,

The compassion allows the intensity to start feeling a little more diffused.

And there's a little more space to hold this concept of what else is possible?

What else do I want to start bringing into my life?

What do I want to connect?

What parts do I want to connect to as I process letting go of this habit or behavior or way of showing up in conflict or way of showing up for myself when I'm struggling?

What else is possible as possible?

Can I start calling in the value of deep compassion,

Deep kindness with firmness of boundaries,

With firmness of being anchored in my truth?

Can I start to call in different aspects?

Can I start to discover what my values are in relationship to others?

What are my values?

Who do I want to be as I navigate conflict with others rather than how do I navigate conflict?

I can come into who do I want to embody?

Who do I want to be and show up as?

What is my truest version that I want to continue to move into becoming and embodying fully?

As we start to draw the focus rather on how,

How do I get rid of this quote-unquote bad personality trait,

If we can kind of release the need to ask that question,

Move more into what else is possible?

What if this wasn't a personality trait and it was simply a strategy,

A dysregulated nervous system that I can heal?

What else is possible?

So much is possible.

I want to say there's so much that's possible and it is a very,

Very rewarding experience.

And I also want to say it can be overwhelming and many times in this,

In this process,

In this journey,

Support is wonderful and is so important in calling in,

You know,

Whether it's the support of like a book or a podcast,

Whether it's the support of other humans,

Which ideally that's going to be the support because you might be like,

Well,

I don't have any support in my life right now,

Lydia,

So I have to do it on my own.

And I get to say,

And you get to acknowledge the grief that you might feel in that and hold a deep sense of compassion for feeling your human experience in that process,

You know,

You get to acknowledge where the reality that you're in and really feel it and feel allow yourself to feel the grief and the sadness maybe of not having community or not having the same maybe level of support and you get to hold space and call in to,

You know,

Whatever you connect to your inner guide,

How Holy Spirit,

God,

Source,

You know,

Whatever you're going to say,

Whatever concept really resonates with you,

You get to call in.

What else is possible?

I want to start being open and getting ready to be ready to receive support into my life.

I'm getting ready to be ready to receive in deep,

Meaningful,

Healthy,

Thriving friendships.

I'm getting ready to be ready to receive a deeply nourishing partnership,

Life partner,

You know,

Whatever that is for you.

I'm getting ready to be ready to show up in the relationships that I already am in that might be dysfunctional,

But a deepest gut level.

I know I'm here to grow with this person and I don't know how to do it yet,

But I'm getting ready to be ready to see what else is possible to hold space for shifts to happen in my life.

And between us,

I'm getting ready to be ready to I'm calling in the possibility of really receiving a deeply hearing healing therapist or coach or program that I can show up in as authentically as I,

As I feel safe to do so.

That's going to allow my life to transform in whatever ways I want.

You know,

We,

We tend to feel we can tend to feel like we're tend to feel,

We can tend to feel stuck in the reality that we see around us.

And it can be really hard because it can be like,

Yeah,

But this has never happened before.

How,

How can I trust that it's going to happen when we can get into a perspective shift of one,

What else is possible to,

I get to allow myself to feel my humanness right now,

As I'm noticing the reality that I am perceiving,

Right?

Because reality is all about perception.

My reality is completely different than someone else's reality.

And we're going through the same experience,

Quote unquote,

Right?

So our reality is the perception based on the paradigm and the bias we're coming to this moment with,

And that gets to also shift and it gets to be a powerful shift and it can feel destabilizing,

Which is why having support on some level can be really profoundly healing.

And if we don't have the support,

We get to call in the possibility of support because it can be as simple as feeling the support of the chair you're sitting in right now.

You know,

We,

We think a lot abstractly.

We think a lot about,

I want a person,

I need a person for support.

I need family.

I need friends.

I need a therapist,

Right?

We get to in this moment,

Work with what we're present with.

And that gets to be as simple as I feel the support of my cat on my lap and the softness of feeling her fur as I pet her fur.

I feel how nourishing that is to my nervous system.

I feel the support of this wonderful blanket I have around my legs.

I feel the support of the chair.

I can lean into it.

Oh my goodness,

My spine.

If I allow my spine to release and lean into this chair or this bed that I'm sitting on or laying down on,

Oh,

Suddenly my back feels more supported.

I can take a sigh.

My shoulders can drop a little.

And it takes me out of maybe the intensity of feeling isolated if I don't have like a human as support in that moment or access to someone,

Right?

This is such a an interesting journey to be a human on this planet,

Especially right now.

And there's so many resources that we can start realizing,

One,

We already have in our life.

Like the plants in my room with the sunlight coming through is such a beautiful,

Calming,

Visual resource for me.

My ability to take care of myself on a daily basis,

Wake up,

Drink water,

Brush my teeth,

Take my supplements,

Make food for myself.

I can recognize that as a really beautiful resource,

My capacity to take care of some of my basic needs.

You know,

There was a point in my life where it was very hard for me to even get out of bed or even remember to brush my teeth.

And at that time,

I could resource into the sense that I was able to smile at myself once in the mirror that day,

And that was enough.

You know,

And that I was able to notice that there were dirty dishes in the sink,

Even if I didn't have the energy or capacity to do the dishes.

I got to have a sense of gratitude that I noticed that I would,

I want to get back to the desire to not have dirty dishes in the sink.

You know,

We get to start with what is here in this moment.

I get to start with the fact that I have,

I can feel sensation in my hands.

You know,

I went through COVID twice horribly,

And losing taste and smell was a really interesting journey to go through because it didn't come back for months,

And part of my smell hasn't even completely come back.

And it was such an interesting experience to lose two of my five senses and to lose two of my five senses and to realize how much of my life was lived through taste and smell.

And when I lost it,

I had to go through kind of a grieving process,

But then a trust that my body had the intelligence to bring it back.

And as it came back,

There was just a much deeper sense of gratitude for being able to smell,

Even like the cat litter box,

Which I never loved smelling before.

But it almost became something I could be really deeply grateful for,

You know.

When we go through this process,

You know,

There's so much,

Social media can be so healing and wonderful,

And also we all know can be distracting and feel destructive on many levels,

Depending on how we curate our feeds.

And,

You know,

They're meant to be addictive.

They're meant to be addictive,

You know,

The way they were made.

Social media was made to be addictive,

And we can probably all acknowledge that.

We can,

However,

Also use social media for really deeply healing connections to education and truth and people that are making huge shifts in the world,

You know,

And hope and like seeing little puppies and kittens online and laughter and humor.

And a lot of times,

Especially,

For example,

On Instagram or TikTok,

It's meant to be quick and fast.

And it doesn't cater as much to some of these concepts that we read in a quote or see in a reel that go so fast.

It doesn't really give us time to understand the context from which it's coming from,

And so we make very quick projections and assumptions of what we read,

And we interpret things very fast.

And one of the things I want to invite me and all of you,

Whether you're listening live or to the replay,

Is when you resonate with something online,

Notice if you're resonating and it feels empowering or if it's fueling feeling disempowered.

Because I might resonate with something that adds a narrative to my life that makes me feel more like a victim or makes me feel less empowered.

I might resonate with something that calls me out on my bullshit and it really resonates in a way that's actually very compassionate and empowering and makes me want to shift into deeper self compassion or growth in certain ways.

When we resonate with things online,

It's actually simply a biological function that's happening in our brains and we get a dopamine hit from.

And just because you resonate with something doesn't mean it's true.

You get to notice,

Is this a truth I want to now take on?

Is this a narrative that is going to now help me in my life?

Or is it going to keep me stuck or keep me in aspects of pain that I'm no longer able to stay in?

We get to notice when we take in things from social media and even you listening to me right now,

You get to notice,

Is some of what's being shared right now,

Does this feel empowering to me or does this feel discouraging and not helpful?

Are these narratives and truths that I want to incorporate into my life and integrate in a way that feels more true to my deepest wisdom?

Or does it feel like something I need to sit with and kind of get curious about but not necessarily just automatically take on?

That's a very,

Very helpful skill and it's the skill of discernment.

Discernment,

Cultivating the skill of discernment as we continue to cultivate the skill of self compassion really,

Really allows us to show up in greater integrity in our relationships.

Because if I can discern who's someone to trust and be vulnerable with,

Then much more likely I'm going to be able to move forward and trust that person and understand who I don't share my vulnerabilities with,

Right?

The skill of discernment is a crucial skill in allowing ourselves to build more inner trust and to build trust with the others.

It's not the skill of being skeptical and hyper vigilant,

Right?

Because at first if we've gone through trauma,

I've gone through trauma,

I have dealt with PTSD and CPTSD etc,

Right?

I think I'm being discerning but I'm actually just being extremely hyper vigilant because at moments where I'm closer to my trauma symptoms and I'm afraid.

I don't want to go into being re-traumatized or going into situations.

As I start to see people,

As I start to heal,

Take out aspects,

Situations,

People or triggers in my life that aren't conducive to my healing.

So sometimes our world gets a little smaller as we go through healing.

As I start to heal,

Then I can start to build this process of discernment within myself.

Again,

Usually with the support of other humans,

Could be an animal too.

The process of discernment is a compassionate and high integrity skill.

It calls in a much deeper level of emotional intelligence that we begin to cultivate within ourselves.

As we cultivate the skill of discernment and we really,

Really,

Really,

Really start to honor our sacredness and our truth and respect ourselves and also respect others.

Because as we build the skill of discernment which comes out of deep compassion and honor,

We then get to really tune into who we can honor and who and that we can start calling in more into our lives that allows us to thrive and brings out the best strengths and values in us and our integrity.

And for me,

It's really important that I'm not just discerning of people that respect my truth and like support me.

I also call in people that will call me out on my bullshit when I have a blind spot and when I'm out of integrity.

People that care enough about me to say,

Lydia,

That wasn't okay.

Or is that really what you think?

Is that based,

Like that doesn't really match what I know of you and your values and who you.

.

.

This conversation could go on for a long time.

I could go into all sorts of,

You know,

Digressions and topics.

But I kind of want to keep it,

Bring it back to this concept so that you have space to integrate or,

You know,

Listen to the replay or whatever.

And as we're closing out,

Tune into tune into how your body feels right now.

Tune into your breath.

Do you feel more tuned in?

Do you feel more present in your body?

Do you feel a little more heady?

Do you feel like your breath has gotten longer and deeper?

Do you feel like your breath has shortened?

There's no right answer in any of these questions.

You get to notice right now your body's response to tuning in to my words and what I'm describing and what I'm explaining.

Maybe even if it feels good,

Place a hand on your heart.

Maybe even place a hand on your belly.

And take a moment to receive compassion from your own hands.

Notice how it feels for your hands to be giving compassion and grace and love to yourself.

And notice at the same time how it feels to be receiving this compassion from your hands.

You know,

In Thai Ayurveda,

In the lineage I learned in,

We learn to be compassionate.

In the lineage I learned in,

We learned that the hands were the extension of the heart.

The arms,

The hands were the extension of the heart chakra.

So I love to imagine that my heart is starting to smile and the smiling energy is moving all the way through my hands.

And now my hands of compassion I can place anywhere on my body and receive compassion at the same time as gifting myself compassion in this moment.

And you might not even want to keep your hands on your body.

Maybe you put your hands somewhere else on your body that would love some attention,

Would love some nurture,

Some grace,

Some compassion.

So as we tune into our bodies and as we're closing out today,

I really invite you to take a few exhales out through the mouth.

Relax your jaw.

Imagine dropping your shoulders.

Ah,

So this helps the body come into a parasympathetic state,

Which means it's coming into a calmer state when you sigh,

When you relax your jaw,

When you relax your shoulders and focus on an exhale.

And coming into this rest and digest state coming into,

It's also called down regulating.

When we can do that,

This is actually when digestion occurs,

Digesting of concepts,

Integration,

Whether it's food,

Whether it's emotions,

Whether it's processing ideas.

And maybe invite in a sense of self-compassion for the rest of your day today.

Maybe invite in a sense of curiosity so that the next time you notice you're judging yourself or someone else or there's a personality trait that you feel like is not okay in yourself,

That rather than immediately going to judgment about it,

You go into curiosity.

You go into maybe a sense of gratitude,

Placing your hand on your heart and saying to that part of you,

At one point I know you were doing this to protect me.

Thank you.

I now call in parts of me that can help heal this part,

That can help release this behavior,

This action,

Whatever,

In a way that feels honoring to myself in my life rather than trying to deny,

Avoid,

Push away from.

Thank you all so much for holding space and listening,

For holding space for yourself,

For holding space for this for me to express,

To share my process and some thoughts.

And you know,

I'm on different platforms.

I go on and you can find that in the links to see where else I'm at if you want to see what else I share and offer.

And I'm always open to collaborations,

To connections.

I think this is a beautiful app and a place to express my process and my truths as I'm integrating and sharing and serving others.

I thank you for your time today.

I thank you for your energetic support and I hope you have a really wonderful evening,

Morning,

Day,

Afternoon,

Whatever time you're listening in.

Take care.

Reviews

Thank you, I have this seat where I sink into when I come home from a stressful day at work , it centers me, but I have never really thought about it as my support system but now that you mentioned it, it really is😊 just sitting there for an hour or so melts everything away, am so greatful. Thank you

Outstandingly validating of my healing path. Thanks.