The Darkside Of Being Nice

In this episode of The Eleposed Podcast, we discuss people-pleasing and how this is often a behavior symptom from the core belief of not being enough. We discuss how to identify it in ourself and how we can begin to change this habit.

Transcript

Well,

Hello everyone.

I hope you are doing fabulous.

Thank you so much for being here with me today and taking some time to listen to the podcast.

This is episode 21.

Super exciting.

It is called The Dark Side of Being Nice and we today are going to talk about people pleasing.

Bong chicka bong,

Bong bong bong bong,

Chicka bong.

Okay.

I'm still playing with the idea of doing music again as my intro.

I don't know.

The one I had before which I really liked which I just don't,

I don't know.

I'm still kind of trying to figure out this whole intro part of the podcast.

How I should do it correctly.

But one thing I do really like is actually reading a review from one of you guys because I just feel like it just gives back and acknowledges and I love it.

So I think this is probably going to be something I start doing on a regular basis.

So keep sending me reviews and I won't of course be able to do every single one.

I do see them and read them and really appreciate them and then I try.

I'm going to try and say one on here for every episode because I just think it's great.

So I really appreciate your time,

Your listening and opening up and being flexible and just,

You know,

Listening to the thoughts I'm offering,

Taking what's helpful and useful for you and your time and then yeah,

We move on forward,

Right?

So today's review was from Michelle out of Victoria,

Australia.

Whoo!

Which one day,

My friends,

I will be going to Australia.

Australia has been on the bucket list forever.

Ever since I was a little kid,

Australia has always been on there.

Same with New Zealand.

You'll definitely have to visit New Zealand.

But Australia now is on my daughter's list of where she wants to go.

So we've been talking about next year plans,

What maybe we could pull together,

Make happen.

You never know.

But it's awesome.

This was from Michelle and she wrote,

Thank you so much for allowing me to regain some perspective on where to start as I have been feeling lost.

I have written much down from the insightful talk.

I love your friendly nature and light,

Witty banter.

And I feel that you genuinely wish to dedicate a part of yourself to helping others,

Which is beautiful.

I cannot wait to further sessions you have available.

Thank you so much,

Michelle.

And this is totally out to you.

And I hope you are just doing amazing.

I'd love to hear how you've come along since this point.

I think you left this review maybe a month ago.

And I'd just love to hear where you're at and what has opened up for you in your life.

And just feel free to reach out.

Seriously,

I'm a human.

I hope you're doing well,

Michelle.

And thank you so much for leaving this review.

It's very heartwarming and received with open arms.

Thank you so much.

All right.

So today we're going to discuss people pleasing or the nice person syndrome.

And we're going to talk about where this behavior comes from and how we can begin to identify it.

And then also,

Most importantly,

What we need to do to begin to really change this habit if we can identify it as something that we do in our life.

So first,

Let me be clear.

I'm definitely not advocating being a jerk to people.

When it comes to the motives of why we do things,

I mean,

This is an inner thing.

We always want to judge other people and feel like we know what their true motives are,

Right?

If they're selfish or selfless.

But honestly,

No one besides ourself can really know what our motives are,

Where we're coming from.

If we're functioning off of a default mode or if we're sincerely aware and are doing actions,

Taking actions from our intention,

Being intentional about it,

Being authentic about it,

And using our values to guide us in the actions and the things that we do.

So this topic isn't to also necessarily equip you with anything to like use as being able to identify why other people are doing things either.

It's to be able to identify in yourself,

You know,

Maybe why you do some of the things that you're doing right now that are bringing up results and creating misery in your life where we suffer,

You know,

Where we start to feel resentment towards other people or ourselves.

And it's important to be aware of these things because that's not what we normally want to experience,

Right?

A lot of us live on default.

And we don't examine what the motive for our actions really are.

And we get stuck in default modes that are often coming from a place of devaluing ourself while valuing others more.

And this is one of the problems that the deep core belief,

I'm not enough.

This limiting belief often creates the idea that the only way I can get people to love me then or to notice me or to want to be my friend or even to treat me well is if I value them more than myself.

And that all stems from that inner deep rooted core belief that I'm just not enough.

So this is such a sneaky thought,

And it creates really sneaky situations.

Because here's the thing,

Most people genuinely find pleasure in doing kind things for other people or for our family.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing nice,

Generous,

Kind things for people.

Not at all.

When it becomes a problem is when we take on the idea that I need to find,

I need to fulfill my self's validation of self-worth from other people.

And these actions are how I go about getting that validation.

That's when it becomes a problem,

When we're functioning from that mode.

So again,

This is completely an inner issue.

We're not looking at the acts themselves,

The things that you're actually doing.

We're looking at the inner reason why.

What's driving the motive?

And what I'm encouraging and saying is that if our motives are simply defaulting off of that limiting core belief that I'm not enough,

And the only way that I can feel worthy or lovable is from doing things for other people,

That creates suffering,

That creates the points in our life when we're doing way too much,

And we're running ourselves thin,

We're running ragged,

Leads us to doing things and being in situations that aren't taking care of ourself.

And it all stems from that idea and that belief of I'm just not enough,

And this is what I have to do to prove that I am,

Right?

It's a fear.

So the question becomes,

Are you doing this from a place of abundance or a place of scarcity?

Are you doing this from a place of love or fear of rejection?

Because when it comes out of love,

Well,

Then doing nice things feels amazing to you as the one doing it.

But when it comes out of a fear of rejection or the fear of not being enough,

Unless you do do these things,

Go that extra mile,

Well,

You'll feel worn thin.

You'll have that sense of dread.

And depending on how long you've been doing it,

Resentment starts to creep in,

Especially if there's no return,

Right?

You start to have those questions of,

Well,

I'm doing this for you,

But you're not doing anything for me,

Right?

There's that exchange that you're looking for now because you're doing this and they're not doing that.

And so it becomes this completely different realm of functioning from,

Instead of it being a place of abundance where you're just doing this because you sincerely love this type of work.

You love helping or you love doing whatever you're doing.

However it's manifesting in your life of what you're trying to offer,

If it's not coming from a place of abundance,

Then again,

You're coming from that other place of fear,

That fear,

That level of desperation because you're seeking something in return.

When it comes from a place of abundance,

You weren't seeking anything in return.

It's nice.

Of course it's nice.

It's always nice to receive love from others.

And it's nice,

But it's not desperately needed.

It's not desperately sought after because you already have the 100% knowing that you already are enough.

And you already are functioning from love and an abundant source of love because you choose to love yourself.

So that need is already met because you've met it yourself.

Everything else just becomes the bonus.

So one of the easiest ways to discover if you are doing something out of the need to validate your own inner worth to yourself,

Or merely from a position of doing it because it's something you enjoy to do,

Is by examining how easy it is for you to say no.

What is your inner dialogue when you think about saying no?

Are you filled with anxiety?

Thoughts like,

Oh my gosh,

I can't say no.

They'll think I'm mean,

Right?

I want them to like me.

I'm not going to say no.

These are fears and these come from that idea that we aren't enough,

That I'm not lovable if I don't do these things.

People won't like me if I'm not nice.

That's the fear.

That's the belief.

So if this resonates with you,

I just want to remind you to be kind to yourself,

Because we are all the same.

I work on managing my mind and building my self awareness,

And I still keep growing and learning how to say no,

Especially when it comes to family.

Just identify and be aware where you are at right now,

And how these things are showing up in your life and what results you're having from it.

And instead of doing what we like to do and add more shame and guilt and self-hatred,

Come from a place of love towards yourself.

I mean,

Like,

Listen,

This is just how it's how I've been functioning.

But I see this now.

I love myself.

I love me.

I love that I'm aware of this now because now I can actually do something about it.

Right?

So remove that whole burden of you have to be perfect from your shoulders,

Because you don't have to be perfect.

You already are enough.

100%.

Right here where you are now.

And it's not about ever becoming perfect.

It's simply about going through this beautiful experience of life and growing and learning.

And if that's what you seek and desire to do,

Then there's no reason to beat yourself up for being at a starting point.

Be the beginner.

Be where you are right now and choose to love yourself and move forward,

If that's what you choose to do.

So how do we identify if this is in ourself?

We see now what the root problem is.

This is an inner issue going on.

It's coming from that place of fear of not being enough,

Not having self-worth,

Being afraid of being rejected.

Right?

So how do we begin to identify if this is something that's been leading our lives on default mode?

These limiting beliefs of not being enough.

We're going to just go over a few,

Some really common ones,

And see if they just resonate for you and what you've been experiencing or how you've been getting results in your life.

And then again,

Just keep in mind that if it does resonate with you,

You are like,

Oh,

Gosh,

Yeah,

I totally do that.

I totally do that.

Remember,

Love yourself.

Don't shame yourself.

Don't judge yourself because we are all human.

And these are very normal ways for our brain to default into based off of the way that our brain functions.

Adding an extra spoonful of guilt just doesn't do us any good.

So love yourself where you are today.

Accept yourself and be aware.

And just consider if this is really serving you and creating the results in your life that you want to have.

All right,

So I know we talked about it already a little bit,

But one sign,

Again,

Is not being able to say no to people.

And this really is a big one because what a lot of people think is,

Well,

I don't want them to think I'm mean or don't want them to not like me,

Right?

So that's a really good sign.

But here's the deal.

When we start using the I don't want them to think X,

Y,

Z,

This excuse,

When we use this excuse,

We're actually believing that we can control what other people think in the first place.

And yes,

We can influence what people may draw as conclusions,

But we can't control people's thoughts because we can barely control our own thoughts,

Right?

So become aware of what goes on inside of you when you envision telling someone no.

What fears are you having come up?

What fears are coming up for you?

And just observe this chatter,

Get curious about it.

And are you really doing this thing because you enjoy doing it?

Or is it because of this fear,

This other chatter going on?

So if you notice it's because of a fear,

Well,

Then we aren't being authentic.

Instead,

We're living off of our fears.

We're seeking validation of our own worth from this person by doing this thing.

That's giving our power away.

What about not asking for help?

Not asking for help because you don't want to A,

Inconvenience other people or B,

You're not asking for help because of a sense of shame you get as if asking for help validates you not being enough.

All right,

So what about this one?

What about not being able to be honest with people when they ask your opinion?

So this one again is super tough sometimes it can be sneaky.

Because,

You know,

I'm all about learning how to effectively communicate and I think everyone probably can learn how to effectively communicate even better,

Especially,

You know,

When we're in relationships,

Right?

This again isn't jurisdiction to be a jerk.

I'm not saying,

Okay,

Just throw everything out the window.

Somebody asks you opinion,

Give them the black and white.

Yes,

You look horrible.

No,

Don't wear that.

It's so unflattering,

You know.

No,

That paper sucks.

Rewrite it.

I'm not saying to be acting like that,

Right?

No,

That's not effective communication.

There's effective ways to communicate things that might be kind of hard to hear in a way when you actually are concerned about their well-being as well,

Right?

So there are always ways to communicate harsh truths in a manner that you have clearly considered the best way to offer your feedback.

Then there's obviously an insensitive way of doing it where you have zero respect for the individual and that is not what I'm saying we now start to do.

Of course,

We want to respect other people and offer them useful feedback,

Especially when it comes to children,

Right?

I try to always be honest with my daughter,

But I'm also aware that in this phase of her life,

She is constructing many of her own core beliefs right now and her brain is busy away coming up with all kinds of conclusions,

Right?

So as her mother,

As her parent,

I want to help to support her with honesty because I value trust in our relationship,

But of course I don't want to bring her down or add to any other insecurities.

So for example,

If she gets a bad grade on something,

I don't lie about the grade,

But I also take the extra steps to try and explain that grades,

Grades are a learning tool.

They aren't reflections of our inner self-worth.

We use tools to grow and improve,

But I won't lie.

This is definitely a challenge of being a parent and dealing with effectively communicating with your child.

It's challenging as a parent to not just sugarcoat everything because our,

At least my,

Natural instinct is to want to protect my daughter and I don't ever want her to be hurt or feel bad or anything like that.

When I look at it even deeper,

Always doing that isn't actually going to help my daughter develop into a strong individual at this stage in her life.

So she needs to be able to handle when things don't turn out the way she wanted it to and differentiate between an external result and her own inner self-worth because then she'll know that she's capable of finding solutions and to grow from circumstances,

Not fall apart like she's completely worthless simply because she performed poorly on a test.

Alright,

So here's another one.

What about taking care of other people while neglecting yourself?

This one again is tough and sneaky,

But it comes from that core belief that you aren't lovable and you've got to prove you're worthy first.

This one is sneaky because most people like to do nice things and help other people,

Which is wonderful,

But it requires being aware of our thoughts to be able to self-regulate and know our own reasons why we are willing to go to extreme lengths for other people but not take care of ourself.

So how do we get ourself out of these patterns?

It certainly begins by becoming aware of your thoughts and what it is that you really are believing here that's driving these motives and creating these actions.

One good way is to play with the idea of stopping the behavior.

If you are resonating with some of these questions here of,

You know,

What would it be like for you to say no?

Or what would it be like for you to stop taking care of this situation over here for somebody else?

You know,

When you start playing just with the very idea of it,

See what thoughts come up,

What feelings are you experiencing in your body?

And see what that feels like,

Try it on,

See what it's like to do the opposite.

And that can sometimes really shine light on what your thoughts on this are and what motives you're coming from.

So just play with the idea.

You don't have to change anything right now in your life,

Not at all.

Just play with the idea of it.

Your brain's amazing.

So what thoughts come up if you were to stop blank behavior?

Is it fear and panic?

Well,

If it is,

Then that's a really good sign that your true motive here isn't authentic,

But it's from fear.

So dive into that,

Explore it,

And do it from a place of love and curiosity.

Or don't explore it,

Simply decide,

Stop living that way.

If it's making you miserable and you're already at that point where you're like,

You know what,

I'm done doing this,

I know what it's creating in my life,

I'm ready to change these thought patterns.

Because I think a lot of people believe that anytime they find something about themselves they aren't happy with,

Well then they feel like they have to go into this whole,

You know,

The whole making of that story.

And sometimes this is really useful to get down into the root of where this comes from.

But it doesn't actually,

Like you don't have to do that.

If you're ready for change,

Then all you have to do is start the process of changing,

Right,

Taking that first step.

You don't have to dive in deep to see where this,

You know,

When you were two years old and you came up with the wrong conclusion,

Right,

That you just weren't good enough.

Sometimes again,

That can be really useful,

But we don't have to do that with every single situation in our life.

We simply stop,

We identify,

Become aware,

And then we decide to change it.

And then we take those steps and actions to do it.

So stopping the old thought pattern that isn't serving you and practicing a new thought pattern that does,

That's putting your brain to work for you and not against you.

Because remember,

You are a conscious being,

You have the ability to self examine and change the way you think.

So we actually do this all the time in subtle ways.

So don't fall for the lie that you're stuck.

If you want to change something about yourself,

You are the one,

You're the only one who can do it,

Which is why you are the one directly responsible for your life and the way you experience it.

It's all a choice,

Though,

And there is nothing wrong with not changing your thought patterns.

But just be honest with yourself about it.

The really cool thing about changing our thoughts to ones that serve us better is that even the smallest little step in that direction has a profound effect on our entire life.

One thought can change everything for you.

All right,

Lovelies.

Well,

That is it for me today.

So I encourage you to take a look at your thoughts and to do it with love.

Hey,

If you're enjoying this podcast and you're ready to dive in even deeper,

Then I encourage you to come check out my new course,

Manage Your Messy Mind Confidence Bootcamp.

We dive even deeper into learning the tools to managing your mind and becoming an intentional creator of your life.

Go to elliposa.

Com.

That's E-L-E-P-O-S-A.

I'll see you there,

And bye for now.

Reviews

Very deep insights expressed in a simple and approachable way. It helped me identify I always try to please people out of a deep fear to be all alone that comes from my early family experience. A huge realization that will help me a lot to correct automatic patterns. Thanks a lot 🙏🏻

This concept has been on my mind a lot in recent months due to a conversation in talk therapy. I didn’t like the way it stung when my therapist told me, and it took me several revisits to the notion that people-pleasing is selfish before I could accept it and forgive myself. I appreciated many of your points and have journaled them so that I can start a habit of training my brain to think them often. Thank you 😊

Outstanding! Making it plain and keeping it 💯! Thank you!

Really interesting and helpful insights, thank you Diana. Much love to you dear soul 💜 x

Well Ms Carter, Diana
I took a chance, because honestly I loved the title and fantasied you’ll open the deep dark side of a monster putting up a ‘nice’ show ... then I can be the scary instead of the scared ... needless to say the pod cast disappointed me ☹️ 😉

I started with skepticism and found the beginning to be too “pleasing”... yeah my defensive judgmental side was strong ... but ... but... you gave me some much needed permissions that brought me to tears
1.) try saying no to helping and notice how you feel towards yourself, OR ... dive headlong, with awareness, and notice how you feel about the other ... do you suddenly have a list of ‘shoulda’ and expectations from them and be honest ... this is work for oneself... no point cheating

2) just like with helping ... my ‘nice’ habit, a notch above that is ‘protecting’ and your podcast gave me permission to try the same

3) I got, from you, the most pragmatic test for authenticity- Always struggled with that one… Always blamed myself for not being authentic... Now it is simple… “If I’m gonna behave a certain way, pause and see how I feel not behaving that way… And if I feel or smell fear or guilt shame for not going that way… That means going that way it would be inauthentic because I’m not doing it out of - love” 🙏🏼

4) I also got, from you, the permission to not analyze the sources… Maybe those inside so come maybe they won’t… What’s important is recognizing the feelings in the moment and working with them and taking the next step.

Thank you so so much Diana.

PS. Do I want you to smile when you read this - honestly, A little bit 🤷🏻‍♂️
Am I afraid sharing my thoughts with you would be useless if you don’t smile – not one bit!👌🏼