Managing The Process Of Death & Dying

The process of death and dying is often scary and uncomfortable. Pasquale and Dr Traci talk about how we can manage this delicate process appropriately- emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Dr Traci also shares her personal experience of the death of her dad.

Welcome to our Spiritual Psychology Support Group with Dr. Traci Moreno, Licensed Psychologist, and Pasquale Naccarata, Spiritual Coach, Intuitive Guide, Astrologer, and Crystal Reiki Master. This Support Group is for anyone on a Journey of Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Healing & Growth. Follow us now to help, support & encourage each other on this amazing yet challenging journey. Dr Traci and Pasquale talk about the parts of this journey that no one wants to talk about- the difficulties & the struggles. Supporting each other through these challenges is essential to our success.

Trigger Warning: This practice may include references to death, dying, and the departed.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

This is Pasquale.

This is Dr.

Tracy.

We are here to talk today about a pretty sensitive topic and so we're just going to start with that and also state that remember that when you are hearing anything it's all based on your truth,

Right?

And you can accept truths and believe in truths based on who you are,

Right?

The Buddha always said like take what you feel connects with you and what doesn't let it go and so our topic today is very much about our truth and our understanding of the topic of death and dying the process of dying and so in that we're pretty spiritually aligned in our belief system and as we talk today we'll be kind of sharing some of our beliefs but that doesn't have to be your belief and we respect everybody's beliefs so if that's something if that's not something you believe like he's saying or the Buddha said just let that go and because there is going to be also some tools and you know things that can help you through the process if somebody you love is dying or if they've already passed and so there's things that will still be useful for you even if you don't necessarily have the same belief system.

Very well said.

So with that.

So one thing I wanted to start with is you know it's so crazy to me from a psychological perspective that you know death is the only guarantee in life and you know except for taxes of course but if you know we but yet our brain cannot fathom it.

We can't process it.

It's very like and all we do is fight it.

Avoid it.

Right.

It's not real.

Right.

Yeah it's not happening.

Which in some ways it's true.

It's not real.

Well that is true.

But it is going to happen.

You want to explain what you mean by that?

But death is part of life.

It's part of that circle of life right and in that circle of life death isn't the end.

Some would say it's the beginning.

Right.

You know and so it's it's not that it's not it's going to happen.

It's the death of our physical body.

Like if we think of our physical body is just like the what do you call it like the mechanism.

The shell.

Yeah the shell and we're just kind of shedding that but our soul lives on so you know again this goes back to spiritual beliefs but you know if you know it can help it can be a very helpful to choose to believe that you know our spirit there is no death.

Death does not exist.

You know one of the things that I always remind myself whenever death occurs around me is is always remember like death is what gives life meaning.

Right.

Without it there is no meaning to your life.

That's a good point.

Right and and I think one of the things that kind of drives me sometimes a little batty is like the fact that when you start talking about it people really get uncomfortable.

You know mind you when we are you know preparing to go to college we're taking all these exams and studying and learning.

When we're having a baby we are like reading all the books and getting all the advice on how to have a baby.

Right.

Right again another natural thing but we're getting all the advice but when it comes to death it's like we we don't really want to talk about it.

Yeah.

And I think it's like one of the most important things to talk about.

It's not because it's gonna happen to all of us.

Yes.

You know well not only that we're going to we're all going to experience that every single person on the planet is gonna experience.

And no one else is gonna experience it for you.

Right.

Like so it's good to start to kind of learn about it and learn what your beliefs are.

Yeah.

And learn where you kind of stand because if you know and feel comfortable with what you believe might be the next step.

Right.

Whether that's nothing to you know reincarnation.

There's a spectrum.

Right.

Right.

But if you're comfortable with that you know then how to address it when it starts to occur around you.

Right.

And that's when not if it starts to occur.

So it's going to it's going to happen.

So you know and it's true because we don't even like to say the words death or dying.

You know that's why people use the term like the words pass.

You know because they don't want to say the words or crossover.

I mean I I use those terms because I actually believe that that's what's happening.

Totally.

And not in avoidance but I think most people use it as a to avoid the actual word.

Yes.

Dying or death.

Yes.

Or died.

You know they died.

But it's so natural.

Right.

It's like a natural and look around you.

And all of nature is dying around us every day.

Yeah that's true.

And but it's being replenished and there's a purpose to it.

Yes.

And so that's and we and I think we lose that we're just so focused on what we what's lost and not what's gained.

Yes.

But the oh sorry I lost my train of thought.

So I think some of it she's had a long day.

She's wearing her Irish shirt today.

It's almost that time of year.

But I think I think part of what we want to talk about is how you can kind of prepare yourself for the crossing or the dying of someone that you love.

Yes.

Or let alone you.

What I was going to say yeah yes definitely.

What I was going to say is we don't have to necessarily welcome it.

But the goal is we don't want to be afraid of it.

Right.

So that would be our goal in like just talking about it today.

Because we can't afford to.

It's going to happen.

And you know that doesn't equate well to a fulfilling life.

Like living because as long as we're scared of death that's just going to end up paralyzing us and now we're just surviving.

And now instead of actually like living and embracing the time we do have here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And really experiencing life.

Right.

Because when you think about it.

If you're scared of death you're going to completely limit yourself and limit those around you.

And you're going to slowly start cutting off that part of your life.

And the reality is is that we're here to experience life.

The good the bad and the ugly.

And sometimes the ugly is that.

Yeah.

You know and that's okay.

But experience it.

Claim it.

So I will share with you my father recently passed.

And so Pasqual helped me tremendously.

We were fortunate enough to know that it was happening.

I say fortunate enough because I believe that when we know it's happening we can prepare better.

And we have an opportunity.

Right.

Exactly.

Whereas opposed if it's something you know unexpected very quick you know then that's obviously we don't have that opportunity.

So I consider it a blessing.

And so yeah.

So but Pasqual helped me tremendously with the process which is what inspired us to do this episode today.

So do you want to talk about like.

And we are sorry.

We know that that's a tough.

It's always tough.

Even I think even when you you accepted like I I've accepted the concept of dying and moving and crossing.

I have too.

And even when you go through that it's it's still difficult.

You know just because you are comfortable with it doesn't mean you don't feel.

Right.

And that that's a really good point.

Because you although you have even if you have your spiritual religious beliefs and you know believe like the things that we were just talking about that can certainly help you through the process.

But after the person passes you're still gonna have to go through the grieving process.

And that's okay.

Because we're still mourning the physical loss of that person being in our lives.

And that's okay.

So just because we have that spiritual beliefs that doesn't that doesn't negate that process.

But it should help it along a little bit.

Yes.

Easier.

It makes it it makes kind of traversing it a little bit.

Traversing?

Traversing.

I'm gonna.

My mortal bones is coming out.

We're traversing.

But like it's just because there's it's a process you know.

And it just kind of changes the process if you know what and you have comfort in it.

Yeah I agree.

So do you want to share a little bit about some things from a spiritual perspective of when if we do have that gift to know that they're.

Sure.

I mean.

They are about to pass.

So my number one thing is is the moment you find out or are told that someone is reaching the end.

Right.

And they're preparing themselves to cross.

I think the first and most important thing in my opinion is is don't tiptoe around it.

Yes.

Just celebrate it.

Right.

Like be proud of their life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Talk about it open.

Yeah.

Be present.

You know.

It helps.

It's almost from a psychological perspective it helps almost like desensitize us to it the more we talk about it too.

And that's one of the biggest things is because people are so uncomfortable with it that they don't say anything at all.

Yeah.

And you know it's kind of like acknowledge the elephant in the room.

You know.

You know I it's a truth though right.

Like I had a friend who crossed years ago and when she was crossing one of the hardest things for her was that no one wanted to talk about it.

And she knew it was coming.

Yeah.

But no one wanted to talk about it.

And I was like you know what let's talk about it.

Right.

You know and because I would rather talk through what my beliefs are what your beliefs are.

Yeah.

And kind of just get it.

At least you're comfortable.

So let's talk about what that looks like from a concrete perspective.

Like some of the things that we can talk about.

You know you can ask them like how are they feeling?

Are they are they scared to die?

Are they scared to death?

You know what do you believe will happen?

I always ask who's the first person.

You know even if even regardless of what their belief system is.

You know you could even say like hey even though you know let's just say it's true.

You know who would be you know the people that you would be most excited to see.

And that always that's always their their eyes always light up.

You know because of just the possibility.

And then it and then it reshifts the focus on as opposed to what they're going to lose and leave behind.

What they're actually regaining.

Yes.

Of people that they've already lost.

That they're going to be reunited with.

Yeah.

And it's a total you can see the shift in their eyes.

You know and it's pretty powerful.

I love that.

And the other thing what are you gonna do when you see that?

Right.

Because it's not like you're not going to do something.

You know what I mean?

I know what I'm gonna do when I see those people on the other side.

And in some of it's gonna be a hey.

And you know some of it's gonna be a mmm.

And some of it's gonna be like you know let's go dance.

You know like where are we going?

But you know I mean like let's do something fun.

Let's go haunt someone.

You know like I would totally talk that through.

Yeah.

Because it's true though.

You know what I mean?

Like that's what I said to my friend.

I'm like you know when you're over there just remember you want to come haunt.

I'm so happy for you to do that.

So that so I've even asked I love it thank you for bringing that up because I've even said like what would be a message that you would want to give me?

Like would it be like lights?

Would you leave?

Would you try to like move?

And I was like just don't like move like hide things on me.

You know but like I'm open to messages.

And we kind of just start laughing.

You know and it kind of it lightens the intensity level.

And you know to say like what you know what type of things should I look out for?

You know whether it's like the hummingbird or the you know the butterfly or the you know whatever it might be.

Yeah.

And or like a bell or you know.

Yeah.

And I'll also tell them too like I'm you know visit me in my dreams.

We we did a dream episode about this if you want to look back on that.

But I you know we both believe that we that when you dream of somebody who's crossed over that they are actually visiting us in our dreams and that that is real.

And so I will tell them and you actually reminded me of this too with my dad is you know tell them like I am open.

What was the statement?

Like I am oh I will always be open to you coming to visit me.

Yeah.

Is that what it?

Yeah.

I mean essentially right?

It's it's I'm I'm I'm always there and I'm open to hear from you.

To speak to you.

To be a part of your life.

To get messages and to just anything that you can share with you know do to really make it known that you're here you're with me still would be awesome.

And and they love that.

You know I mean in truth right?

I will say like just to put a little caveat a little feather there.

Don't make it the topic every time you see them.

Well correct.

Break it,

Talk about it,

Move on and start talking about life.

Yeah.

Right.

And you can even start before you even go there you could say like is this something you want to talk about?

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

Some people might some people might say no.

And that's okay and you respect that you know.

You don't have to convince them to talk about it but I think I think a lot of people do at least for a little bit.

Yeah.

I personally would love that conversation.

Well me too because if you think about it from their perspective what happens is if they start talking about it then we as the loved ones start getting emotional and then they have to shut down so now they're taking care of us and it should be the other way around.

Yeah.

You know we need to try to be strong enough at least in the moment you know for them to be able to talk through it and even to be able to cry with them and share with them how you're feeling and I always say when we when we are blessed enough to have that notice that is your opportunity.

That is your opportunity to address anything with them.

Tell them exactly how you feel,

What you appreciate and that's just not that's not only good.

I mean if there's bad things that are in the relationship and you need closure for that or you know talk about it on whatever level you're comfortable and ready for of course.

Yeah.

But like that is such a unique opportunity that I think I mean it is it's just such a blessing.

You know and and I will say like I agree with that a hundred percent because I think sometimes it's human nature right?

Human nature is I'm going to be angry.

I'm going to carry something and hold it against you and I'm just gonna hold it you know and I might pretend everything is okay but I'm still gonna hold it.

Right.

This is a great opportunity to say to them hey I know that I'm holding this but what I want to do is I want to release it and I don't want to carry that for us anymore.

Right.

And I'm going to forgive that moment.

I'm going to forgive those thoughts and just kind of allow that to to kind of guide you through it.

Right.

And I think too and you can tell me like if this is true from a spiritual perspective also if there is actual a change but what I found is like people who are in that process of dying their mindset begins to shift too in terms of they're not they're holding on a lot less they're going to be more open to those conversations that maybe they couldn't have you know years ago you know where they would just get defensive or you know blame or whatever it might be I think people become there's a shift that happens because I know that when they cross over our belief is that you know there's no all anger and whatever all the negative like those human emotions right go away and it's just pure openness a heart spaced yeah but I believe like that begins to happen when in the dying process I would agree I think reflection is a good word you're using this in that you start to you know when you recognize that you're approaching that that point in your life reflection I think is a really big thing yeah and you start to reflect on your life you start to reflect on the relationships you have and the relationships you didn't have right and that's why I think some of those questions like the regret yeah and the remorse yeah a lot of times they don't necessarily want to bring it up you know what I mean so it's but you need to ask that right and and I think like and I'm gonna come back to the regret remorse because I have a whole thing about that that I really love for myself but like I think when it comes to that it's like that that perspective on that what you hold on to right that perspective it once they cross it's what they start to do is they look at it from there from that pure standpoint right where all of that is gone and they go man I wish I did that better right and so how great would it be to help them address that even before they cross right so they don't have to waste that moment and it helps both you and them kind of like clean house and like clean that soul clear the air yeah energy between you guys right I do want to say real quick the part of that process too is make sure when you do bring it up to them if you do address anything intense or you know negative or harsh painful with them come try your best to come from a place of love with it and to do that means that you may need to process through your own painful emotions first independently before you bring it to them good point you know what I mean so and like you can one of my favorite things is like journaling or like actually my favorite home therapy homework assignment is is writing a letter and it's a therapy letter which would never go to the person but you would actually like write it and like put it like you're writing them a letter because there's it kind of tricks us in our mind to think that it's really going to them but then you want to like really let it out like all the pain like as as harsh and as blatant blunt whatever as you as you can possibly be so that you can release begin to release the real intense emotions and then because and then after we process through that we're able to really come come from a more sincere place when we're addressing it with them and they don't get the whole brunt of all of our pain I love I totally agree with that because I think that when you're in that position it should only come from a place of love yeah and so if you're detecting that there's still some anger or you know any of that other emotion doesn't have to be all cleared but get it like pretty low where you can have the conversation without feeling lashing yeah I think approaching it from a place of love is really like that's the direction I would look at when I'm trying to clear something but also like the regret piece if someone brings up regret like try to on your next visit or even on that visit if there's a way where you can make that regret go away you know like if their regret was God I wish you know I wish I was in a hot-air balloon right okay well we might not be able to do that because of the circumstance right but you know what you can do is you could get put it on a TV project it and make it seem like they're in a hot-air balloon right just to kind of like live through that and allow them to move past the regret you know yeah just because you you want to help is how I always look at it and the more that you help the better the transition is I think I would say you know what when when you're on the other side you can do make your bucket list now and I would say you know what next time when I see a hot-air balloon I'm gonna know that's that would be I'm gonna know it's you know and that could be your special little thing right you know what I mean is is that kind of like turning these conversations into you know like just something very beautiful and I have to say like with one of the things you know I said with my with my man and with my dad it's kind of like I wasn't there to see you born but I had the privilege of being there when you cross yeah you know what I mean and these are happy tears yeah and it was just it's so beautiful because I know that like I was there to help comfort them and help them with such a scary process yeah and and being there you know from a place of love like you were with your dad oh yeah tremendously helped him I'm and it helped me heal it helped me grieve because I could say that I helped him with that process like I was there you know and helped him with like the worst parts I am very blessed and honored to have been part of that journey I totally agree with that I think that any time that you can't be there it's always a good thing and I know again it's scary right like it's not something that people look forward to I certainly don't look forward to it in any way yeah but I also know that when I need to I will you know and I will always be there for someone who says you know I'm dying in it I will be there yeah because you know what it's a lonely process think about it no one can die for you no one can it's the only thing you do alone birth and death and in birth you have a lot of people there right when you're born it's the same thing with death yeah it's you're not going through it alone once you cross but the moment of so it's a lonely you know so anytime you can offer help I would be there you know I will say this I me being kind of the person I am I have written a letter to my kids and it's in my phone and they both know about it right but it's in this letter it's like it's it's titled to be opened upon my death right and in the letter I make light of it right where I say like okay I'm dead I'm sure you know this right now I mean I'm giving the gist of what it is right but it's like you know I taught actually talked to them about it from my perspective running I want you to know I'm good yeah I want you to know that I'm probably watching you right now and I want you to know that feeling you have on your that's like I go through it like in a way where they get to recognize that yeah you know I'm dead but my humor of life is still there and I'm encouraging them to live life and you know do their things and I end it with and by the way that quarter I move that and I will be haunting you and your kids love dad oh and I do that openly you have to my whole family about it it's so important yeah you know and to have a little bit of humor behind it right because you know it's also tough on the other side right so now kind of switching the perspective a little bit you know the person who is visiting a dying person is also going to experience their own difficulties and so I think anytime you can have some humor right humor always brings out love yeah yeah oh I agree and it just helps with the emotional intensity yeah and you know because it's like what you either your choices are you laugh or you cry and scream you know and they're all good I but I would rather laugh than scream right you know will I scream probably you know I'm sure there'll be moments where I'll scream and cry but like let's flash forward a little bit so now the person is is there and they're really preparing to cross they're not really as I'm engaging with you right what are some things you can do right because I think I think it's an important little thing and I think talking to them letting them know that you're safe and that you will always love them telling them that you're okay with them moving forward and telling them like I had to tell my dad you know like we're going to be okay I think they hold on for us you know and it's like look I promise you I will help you know take care of you know my sister you know everybody and so it's I think that provided him with a lot of comfort yeah I mean remember it's one of the things that we do as humans is we do take care of people right it's the first thing we're told to do not take care of ourselves but make sure everyone else is okay and and so letting their reassuring them that everyone's going to be okay yes you're going to help right you know in one of one of the crossings I had with a really good friend of mine you know everyone had come to terms with it even my friend but her mom was very having a hard time because she was single she wasn't married she was recently divorced and and you know mom was like well I don't want to leave you because I don't want you to not have anyone right and it's like let her know the truth I'm going to have someone because I'm from the other side you're gonna help find someone for me you know like hey bring the right person to me or you know I have friends I have family I have you right I'm not gonna stop but I think talking about it with them and helping encourage them in knowing that everything's going to be okay really does help yeah I agree any type of energetic spiritual things that we can do to help somebody in terms of like just maybe you know meditation or music for them or like even just yeah realization you know I think you have to consider the person right so if they're if they come from a religion obviously contact the religion the religious organization and participate in it even if you don't you know aren't necessarily a follower right like so like my entire family's Catholic and and I'm recovering Catholic but if I'm there I'm not going to not participate in the Catholic ceremony but like like but it's yeah I think that's some of it I think meditation is always good breathing I think any type of anything that is calming is always good you know anything that you can do to just kind of let the spirit know that they're comfortable right like kind of in that zone will always help I even asked my dad like to have you seen it have you seen a light you know my dad my dad's so funny he was like he was just like you know kind of we were joking around and making fun of it he was like looking you know looking up going you mean that light you know and he's like looking like he's like all dazed and confused he's like lead me to the light just like laughing you know it was kind of it was a funny conversation but like you know you he knew like there was seriousness behind it too you know I was like have you seen a light I'm like dad like no seriously though when you do see it just like you have to like embrace it like that's that's them like they're ready for you like and you have to just like go towards the light like don't fight it you know there's nothing there's nothing to fight like you've done your you know I would say like you've done your job you know like you've lived your life like you're ready it's time yeah you know I think going into the light is always like a safe yeah I will always say my my my favorite tips are depending like most of the time you're living right they're usually like because we always like to prop people up a little bit they're propped up so like don't ever stand in the line of sight I always find that that's you know line of sight where they're gonna see the light right so just don't stand in front of it so that they can actually welcome and see things come forward it's always helpful so we stand at the side I find that like doctors typically always move to the side of the bed never really and it's just because they know you don't want to be in line of sight and again if they're on their side and they're looking obviously not in front of their line of sight right because that always helps them kind of cross I think encouraging I think just encouraging like you know if if photos is a great big thing I would sorry I would always say I said to my nan and my dad I said like it's okay to let go yeah I think it's good but if they're in a point where you're not sure photos photos of people that they would want to see oh yeah mom dad grandma grandpa yeah you know like those are always good ones because and you can see kind of reactions right so like I had someone else that was crossing and we brought photos and the minute she saw like her mom not so much but her brother sure she just had this smile on her face and and I mean she wasn't really speaking completely but the minute she saw her brother she was smiling and you recognize that that's who she was seeing right right like that's who's going to come first or like begin to help her on her journey so like that helps photos are a great way to help talking about memories yeah I think all of these little tips help everyone through the crossing right and I even like sent out a message to all of his friends and stuff to if they wanted to record a little message for him and then I showed him the recordings when I was there so it also helps them be able to say goodbye you know and and then I told them like and then I said well my dad had like the best reaction he was just like oh my god oh he was just so he just felt so like loved and appreciated and I you know obviously that really helped and and then I sent back texts like saying like oh my gosh my dad was like laughing or my dad like he just lit up or whatever you know whatever his reaction is and just thanked them and I think that helped them with the grieving process also immensely yeah but I think what it comes down to it is don't tiptoe around it right it's going to happen and I think just being present and visible helps I agree so with that until next time thank you be well

Reviews

That was really well done and such an important topic. Thank you.