Gaining Closure When We Can't Get It From The Other Person

The biggest misconception about closure is that it needs to include the person that hurt us and left us without answers. So how do we get those answers? How do we get closure? What if we can't speak to that person anymore? There could be many reasons for this. Maybe they've passed away or maybe it's just not in our best interest to speak to them again. Does that mean we never get the closure we so desperately need? Absolutely not! The truth is, closure has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else but us. Closure is purely inside of us and we give it to ourselves. Dr Traci discusses why this is and how to do it.

Transcript

Hi,

Welcome.

I'm Dr.

Tracy Moreno,

Psychologist,

And today we're talking about closure.

This is a popular topic in therapy because our human brain and ego doesn't like loose ends.

As a survival mechanism,

Our ego constantly searches for patterns and themes,

Trends,

So it can make sense of things.

Our ego needs a beginning,

Middle,

And end to the story,

Just like a movie.

But not just any ending,

An ending that makes sense to us.

Well,

Unfortunately,

Most endings may not make sense and life is not a movie.

Although sometimes I do think we're starring in God's greatest reality show,

But that discussion is for another day.

So,

When we experience a painful situation that ends with it not making sense or it leaves us hanging or unsettled,

It's like the ending of a TV series with a dramatic cliffhanger ending and we think,

Man,

Am I going to have to wait all summer to see what happens next?

Only in real life,

The show ends up getting canceled and we never get that ending.

We never get that closure that we were so desperately waiting for.

The biggest misconception about closure is that it needs to include the person that hurt us and left us without answers.

So then,

How do we get those answers?

How do we get closure?

And what if we can't speak to that person anymore?

There could be many reasons for this.

Maybe they've passed away or maybe it's just not in our best interest to speak to them again.

Does that mean we're all screwed?

No closure?

No,

Absolutely not.

Because the truth is,

Closure has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else but us.

Closure is purely inside of us and we give it to ourselves.

Let's go through some examples of why this is.

Most people think they can gain closure if the person just apologizes and expresses remorse or regret.

And yes,

This can certainly help us gain closure,

But how often does this happen?

It's rather uncommon that we're able to talk to someone,

Share the hurt they caused us,

And have the other person listen,

Take responsibility,

Say they're sorry and that they regret it.

When we are brave enough to have these conversations with people,

What we usually receive back is an argument.

The person getting defensive,

Making excuses for their actions,

Putting blame on others,

Or even worse,

Blaming us.

They can say things like,

Well,

I didn't mean it.

You're just taking it the wrong way.

You're too sensitive.

You're making this a bigger problem than it is.

It's not that serious.

Well,

You hurt me too,

Right?

So how many of us have heard these things from others?

So instead of an apology,

We end up getting minimized,

Disrespected,

Gaslighted,

And being hurt even more than we were before we talked to them.

Let's say someone does surprise us by taking responsibility and saying they're sorry.

Even with this apology,

We sometimes choose not to accept their sincerity.

We can say things like,

Well,

That wasn't good enough.

I don't think they meant it.

It didn't seem genuine.

They said,

I apologize instead of I'm sorry.

I hate that by the way.

They didn't take responsibility for all of it.

They just took responsibility for a part of it,

Or they made excuses.

They defended themselves,

Or they only said it because they had to.

And even more confusing is when they give us all the answers we asked for,

We can still say it still doesn't make sense or believe that they're lying.

And we want to demand a better explanation,

One that we can wrap our head around,

One that makes logical,

Rational sense to us.

But the reality is their reasoning does not have to make sense to us.

It only has to make sense to them.

Just like we don't have to justify our actions to others and they don't have to understand it,

But we still have to live life on our terms and according to what makes sense for us.

Okay.

So here's a trigger warning on a horribly extreme example regarding serial killers when they're asked why they killed so many people.

So most of them will give one of these responses because they wanted to see what it was like to kill someone,

Because they enjoy it,

Because it made them feel powerful,

Or that it gave them sexual gratification.

Yes,

Sorry about that,

But true.

I'm also a forensic psychologist,

If you're wondering where that came from in my head.

So now after hearing those answers that make perfect logical sense to them,

Is it all of a sudden magically supposed to make logical sense to us and give us closure?

Do you think that would give any of the loved ones of the victims closure?

Absolutely not.

The only rationale we need is accepting the fact that the other person's reasoning may not make sense to us and that some answers or reasoning is just senseless.

That's the answer.

Now,

I was a supervising psychologist at a maximum security prison working with inmates that had life without parole.

I've also worked in extreme circumstances with severely mentally ill,

And this reminds me of when people talk about being able to know what to expect from other people.

When people act impulsively or erratic and you don't know what to expect from them,

It causes us to feel very uncomfortable because our ego isn't comfortable with the unknown.

And this is suddenly not a good enough expectation for us,

But it's important to realize that with people,

When you don't know what to expect from people,

That is what you expect from people.

You expect the unexpected.

You expect them to be unpredictable.

You expect them to be unreliable or irresponsible or irrational and reasonable.

Also,

Like when we ask someone a question and their answer is,

I don't know,

Again,

Our ego doesn't like that answer,

But it is an answer nonetheless.

Many times we truly just don't know.

I'm sure we've all given that answer at times.

It's still a valid answer,

But because we want that definitive yes or no,

It feels uncomfortable and sometimes we don't know what to do with that.

When you're addressing somebody and wanting answers for why they did something,

They may not even know.

Now you can determine that,

Oh,

They're lying about it,

Or you can determine that maybe they truly don't know either,

Or maybe it was some sort of defense mechanism that they pushed you away and hurt you before you could hurt them,

Something like that,

Which is more common than you would think.

But these are all answers that we have a difficulty with allowing those answers to be our closure.

So it's more about accepting life as it is closure,

Right?

More about accepting life as it is and not how we want it to be.

It's about accepting people for what they show us and not for what we want to see.

It's about accepting people for what we want to see in them.

So the moral of the story in regards to closure is that it really doesn't matter what the person's explanation or reason was for hurting us.

If you choose to hold on to this pain due to your perceived lack of closure,

This is far worse than the pain the other person initially caused you.

Because now you're doubling down on the pain and causing even further pain for yourself.

And that part is on you.

That's not their fault.

That's yours.

And as long as you believe that the other person needs to provide you with the closure that you need to grow and heal,

You will always be a victim in your life and a victim of circumstances.

Now,

I really don't like the word victim,

But I feel like it's needed.

So if that word does kind of make you feel uncomfortable or upset you in any way,

Then that's a good thing.

That means you don't want to be a victim.

So take your life,

Your circumstances into your own hands,

Empower yourself,

And take control of it.

Give yourself the closure you need.

And we do this by accepting whatever answer we're given by them if we do get an answer from them or accepting that there is no answer.

Accepting that their reasoning doesn't make sense or that it was senseless.

So accept.

Accept whatever answer you're given if you're given an answer by the other person.

You can choose to,

You know,

Believe it or not.

That's up to you.

But accept it.

Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing with it.

Acceptance is just dealing with the reality right in front of you at that given time.

So accept that their reasoning doesn't make sense or that they could be lying or that this isn't really what they want or whatever it might be,

And then let go.

Process through the emotional pain and let it go.

Release it.

Surrender.

Be flexible and go with the flow of life.

Because going with the flow of life is really the key to our freedom.

Because we're just dealing with reality instead of causing ourselves that extra suffering from how we're perceiving things and our judgment about how we feel or the other person or what's happening.

We can change our circumstances when possible or adjust our perception of our circumstances when needed.

It's probably more likely that we're not able to change the situation or circumstances,

But we are able to change our perception of how we feel and think about those circumstances.

It's like the glass half full or half empty.

Just changing our perception of it can free us of that emotional suffering and learn to live in the gray areas of life because life is rarely black and white.

Right?

But we have that ego's need for a yes or a no.

But we may answer,

I don't know,

Or I don't think so,

Or maybe a lot more often than saying yes or no,

But yet we have that expectation for others.

So we need to learn to be more comfortable in that gray area of life and be flexible with ourselves and with other people and go with the flow and learn to be comfortable with the unknown,

With the illogical,

Irrational,

With the senseless because,

Again,

What makes sense to somebody else may not make sense to us.

And we just need to accept the fact that it just doesn't make sense instead of continuing to pursue an answer that we determine makes sense to us.

And sometimes the only answer that makes sense is that there is no answer.

We have to let that be enough.

Find peace within yourself and move on.

Holding on to it just hurts us.

And just to be clear,

And I want to reiterate,

Accepting,

Letting go,

And surrendering does not under any circumstances mean giving up or saying that what they did to us was okay.

We have a responsibility to ourselves to accept our current circumstances as well as also trying to improve it.

So good luck and let go.

Reviews

This is literally what I have been needing for so long. Deeply grateful to you for sharing this in such an accessible, direct, and kind way. I will share with others, and I will listen again.

I needed this today! Thank you so much! I look forward to listening to your work. ❤️

Accept and let go, that's what resonates with me these days, Thank you for this insightful talk 🙏🤍

Nicely done. You have shared a number of approaches to this difficult topic that I haven’t read before. Enlightening & encouraging … especially the *tough love* aspect that you put onto the “victim.” That was really beautiful, actually, and a huge wake-up call. Thank you for your kind advice & wisdom. ❤️