Why "Everything's Perfect" Isn't Happiness

Do you ever feel like true happiness is just out of reach, perhaps because everything isn't perfectly aligned all the time? We're diving into the secret belief many of us hold: that happiness equals constant perfection, and why that idea might actually be holding us back. Join us as we explore how to redefine happiness beyond the flawless facade.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Did you know that there's a perfection trap lurking behind so many of us that keeps us from being happy?

What is a perfection trap?

It's to believe that happiness is contingent on the flawlessness in all areas of our lives.

That means career,

Relationships,

Appearance,

Home,

Kids,

Etc.

Let me use a couple examples to illustrate what I mean.

I think many of us,

If not most of us,

Enjoy going on vacation.

It's relaxing,

It can be adventurous,

It can just be fun.

But as we're going through that perfect vacation where everything is just wonderful and we love sharing our adventure with our friends and family on social media,

But then we get to the airport and at first it says our flight is delayed and the longer we wait,

We find out our flight is canceled and that perfect vacation is ruined and we're so upset,

So angry.

Or how about this one?

We work really hard,

We save our money,

We put so much off so that someday we can live the good life and then we get there,

We're able to retire,

All seems well,

We're headed out in the afternoon to get the mail and we trip and we fall and we break our hip and we're in so much pain and all our vacations,

All our dreams seemed ruined at that moment because now we can't enjoy what we put off for so many decades.

If I wanted to,

I could probably come up with 10,

000 examples of how when things go awry in our lives,

Our happiness goes out the window.

Sadly,

Many of us struggle with an unconscious expectation that life should be free of discomfort,

Mistakes,

And challenges and when they're all gone,

Then we'll be happy,

But not before then.

And the truth is,

We do get pockets of time,

However brief,

Where life does seem perfect and these can be the best times of our life,

But they don't last and if we seek that perfection in an imperfect world,

Sadly,

We're going to suffer throughout our lives.

How do we fall into this trap?

Because it's keeping us from being happy because our world in which we live will never be perfect and yet there can be a part of us that so desperately wants it to be perfect,

Even though we know that's causing us to suffer that desire for perfection in an imperfect world.

Haven't we all been to a wedding that was just beautiful,

That was exquisite,

That was almost heavenly,

A most beautiful wedding and yet perhaps the bride or the groom or someone in the wedding party,

Like a parent,

Has gotten so upset because one thing went wrong and in his or her mind,

The wedding is now ruined.

Why do we do this?

It can be based on many things.

One can be the fear of failure,

The idea that any imperfection is a catastrophic personal flaw or sometimes it's based upon fear of judgment,

Worrying about what other people will think if things aren't just perfect.

Don't we see this so often with celebrities?

We don't hear about their lives when they're going well,

But when there's a mishap,

When there's something that happens in their lives that isn't perfect,

The media jumps all over it and reports it all around the world.

So we know there's a desire to look for imperfections in others and we fear that judgment and sometimes we even partake in that judgment of others.

And then there can be conditional self-worth,

Believing we are only worthy lovable if we're so perfect.

Others of us get caught in the perfection trap because of our learned behavior.

We grow up in environments with high,

Often unrealistic expectations.

Our parents may teach us,

Unless you go to college and get a degree,

You're a loser.

I've worked with people that have been incredibly successful in their careers and yet they feel less than because they didn't get a college degree,

Even though they may make a hundred times more than their parents ever made.

And lastly,

I think there's just a misconception about happiness.

There's often a cultural narrative that happy people have perfect lives.

That is not true.

Happy people have the same lives that you and I do.

It's just they see it not as something that needs to be perfect,

But they see it as,

This is my life.

I can find happiness here and now.

When we adopt the perfection trap,

Sadly,

There's a lot of destructive impact from this mindset.

It will affect our mental health.

We may feel anxiety,

Stress,

Constantly worried about things not being perfect.

We may feel depressed because of feelings of inadequacy,

Hopelessness,

And burnout when perfection is just not attainable.

We may struggle with low self-esteem,

Perpetually feeling not good enough.

Some of us may struggle with procrastination,

Avoiding tasks due to the fear of not doing them perfectly.

And it can even impact us when we struggle with difficulties because of setbacks,

Because minor issues now become major crises.

And not only does a perfection trap affect us,

It can affect our relationships with others.

We may end up having strained connections with others because we're applying perfectionistic standards to others,

Leading to disappointment and judgment.

It can impact our authenticity with others because we're hiding vulnerabilities and struggles to maintain a perfect image,

Preventing deeper connections with those that we love.

And we can even develop resentment towards others because they're not meeting our unexpressed perfect expectations.

And the perfection trap can even impact our personal growth.

The trap can stifle creativity and risk-taking because the fear of making mistakes prevents us from being explorative and innovative.

And think of the countless missed opportunities because of our fear of not excelling in these projects.

And it can keep us from enjoying the present moment because we're always focusing on what isn't perfect or what could be better.

And then there's just burnout.

We're exhausted from the efforts required to maintain the illusion of perfection.

So,

Is there hope from this perfection trap?

Of course.

But in order to find happiness,

We need to redefine what is happiness and start embracing the imperfections of our lives.

So,

What then does true happiness look like?

It's about accepting reality,

Including its ups and downs.

There's an old wise proverb that goes,

Before I was awakened,

I used to be depressed.

After I became awakened,

I'm still depressed,

But it's different.

When we fight life,

We struggle.

When we stop fighting life,

We're better.

We then look for solutions,

Ways to make this situation better.

Better,

Not perfect,

But better.

And realizing that it doesn't have to be perfect.

And sometimes,

When we tried everything we can to change something,

Then we work towards acceptance.

I think where we see this the most prevalent is when people reach a retirement age.

For most of us,

The dream is to work hard,

Save money,

And then have the golden years be the great years of our lives.

But the truth is,

For most of us,

As we get older,

We begin to start having health problems.

That's just part of aging.

I was just at Mount Everest Base Camp,

And physically,

It is very challenging.

And the guides were saying,

If you're 70 or older,

You probably shouldn't come here.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Aging is just part of life.

And as we age,

There's going to be things that we can do,

And things that we can't do anymore.

And those who age gracefully,

Well,

Happily,

Embrace,

Accept these changes,

And live their lives well within the constraints that life says,

This is how you need to live right now.

When Hillary made it to the top of Mount Everest,

It was incredibly straining on his body.

But he knew,

As he got older,

He would not be climbing it again.

There are peaks in our lives that once we reach them,

We won't reach them again.

And that's okay.

When we accept the changes of life,

Whatever they bring,

We do so much better.

And next,

We look for joy in progress,

Not in perfection.

Let's say we want to learn to play the cello.

And we listen to Yo-Yo Ma,

Who plays it angelically.

We're not going to play it at his level,

But we can still enjoy playing the cello.

And life is like that.

We can enjoy life in its imperfections beautifully.

And then when we do inevitably meet the challenges of life,

We now have resilience,

Because without needing to be perfect,

We can do things imperfectly over and over again.

And that can often lead to doing them very well.

And we'll discover that we're more authentic in our connection with others,

Because we're just who we are,

Lovable with our imperfections,

As people in our lives are to us too.

And then when we do have moments of imperfection,

We'll discover a self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves,

Because we don't need to be perfect,

And we can love and embrace our imperfections,

And those of others too.

So ultimately,

In order to fix the perfection trap,

We have to first be aware that we're doing it.

We have to notice,

Oh yeah,

Right now,

This was a really good day,

But that one thing went wrong,

And life now is miserable.

When we notice we do things like that,

Just the awareness that we're doing it will help,

Because now we can shift our mindsets and say,

No,

There's so many beautiful things in my life,

I'm thankful for them.

We'll practice more now self-compassion,

Because we'll treat ourselves with the same kindness that we'd offer a friend.

We'll focus on progress instead of perfection,

Celebrating the small wins and learning from our experiences.

We'll reframe our mistakes as learning opportunities.

Every failure offers valuable insights into our lives.

We'll set realistic expectations,

Understanding that life is inherently messy and unpredictable.

We'll seek support,

Talking with a trusted friend,

Family member,

Or therapist,

If perfectionism is impacting our well-being.

We'll adopt the philosophy of good enough.

Sometimes good enough is perfect enough.

And lastly,

One of my favorite techniques for finding happiness in an imperfect world is what I so often talk about here in the podcast.

There truly is something always beautiful in our lives,

Even when our lives are a mess.

Be with that.

Where we put our attention,

What we focus on in our lives,

The good or the bad,

Shapes who we are.

If happiness is important to us,

We do need to look for the beauty that life is giving us right now.

Because no matter what we're going through,

There is truly something beautiful to be with.

If we give our attention in the turmoil of life to these small miracles,

We'll find that life,

Even with the messiness,

Even with the imperfections,

Can be beautiful.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

So true and wise 🙏

I related to this & thank you for the reminder that life isn’t perfect.

I really needed this one today! I have been struggling with my stage in life lately. Much wisdom. 🙏

Dr Puff is on point! Sound advice as always!

Thank you!

Thank you 🙏

Thank you very much. Interesting, soothing and uplifting.

Very insightful 🙏🏽