Why Creating Happiness Can Be Hard

In this podcast we explore how our conditioning gets stronger with time and how change can become harder. Today, Dr Puff is here to provide us with the inspiration to cultivate new and improved habits, enabling our mindset to shift into a more positive one.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I live on the west coast of the United States in Southern California near Los Angeles.

Because of our proximity to the Asian countries,

We do a lot of trading with them.

If you ever get a chance,

We have a port here that takes in these huge,

Gigantic ships that come from Asia that have been traveling for a long time.

And when they get here,

Something really interesting happens.

Because they have so much momentum,

Because they're so large traveling through the ocean,

When they get within about 25 miles of Los Angeles port,

They actually turn off their engines and coast all the way in so that when they travel those remaining 25 miles,

They don't have to do anything but coast.

The tugboats are there to help make sure they get to the right destination.

I like this image of the cargo ships because I think it helps us understand better human behavior.

When we're born,

We're much more like a canoe because we have our genetics and that sets a little bit in motion,

But mostly we haven't been exposed to anything yet.

So there's not much directing us and we can go a lot of different directions in life.

But as time goes on,

We start creating habits,

We start creating practices,

And those things become like a boat in the water.

With time,

We become bigger and bigger and bigger and the longer we live,

Say into our 30s and then into our 40s,

50s,

60s,

70s,

However long we live,

In many ways the bigger we get,

Like the ship,

Metaphorically.

What I mean by that is our habits become like a ship with a lot of momentum.

The longer we've done something,

The longer we're probably going to be that way.

The more it's going to take to change our direction.

And if we just coast,

If we turn off our engines metaphorically,

We're definitely going to keep doing what we've been doing,

Especially if we've been doing it for a very long time.

Perhaps when we hit retirement age,

We're going to be much like the cargo ships.

The direction we're going to go is going to keep going that way and even if we try to change it,

It's going to take a lot of work to create change.

So now,

Well over 30 years of helping people change,

Change their lives to become more happy,

What I've learned is the older they are,

The more likely they're going to be a bigger ship in the water with a lot more momentum.

So let's say I begin working with a teenager who's struggling with finding happiness and peace.

I give them tools and they'll probably implement them fairly quickly and if they practice them,

They'll become habits and they'll be good habits.

When I work with people that are older,

Particularly if they're in their retirement age,

It's more likely that they're going to keep doing what they're doing.

They may understand what I'm talking that creates happiness,

But actually doing it is going to be much harder because they have so much momentum of doing things the way they've been doing it.

If they come home every night and watch TV for hours,

It's going to be very challenging for them to come home and not watch TV every night.

Now a teenager or even someone who's preteen to change their behavior is quite easy because they don't have anything in place yet.

So if they can start cultivating healthy practices that lead to happiness and peace,

It's very easy for them to adapt them if they're wanting and willing to and they see that there is validity in that.

But someone who's been practicing their life for 30,

40,

50,

60,

70,

80 years like I said,

The longer they've been practicing it,

The more momentum they have like those big cargo ships.

And yes,

They can change,

But there's going to be a lot more work to change them.

Think of the tugboats trying to change one of those cargo ships.

They can do it,

But to actually change direction and make them go a different way,

Wow,

That takes a lot of effort because they have a lot of momentum.

Even if you turn off the engines,

There's just a lot of momentum there.

So how does this all relate to our happiness?

What does it mean for us and our lives?

One of the ways that I think people get confused about being happy and finding happiness is they think that if they have the knowledge,

They're just going to change.

It's like,

I know what I need to do and I'm just going to do it.

But what I've seen over the years is if they've been doing something different for a very long time,

It's a lot of work to create change.

Knowledge in and of itself isn't always that helpful and it may not create much change at all.

Again,

Getting back to our cargo ship,

It'd be like the captain of a ship headed towards Los Angeles port and realizing halfway along the way that it's actually going to the South Pole saying,

Oh,

I'm going the wrong way.

The captain may now realize that,

But he or she has already traveled so far,

They're almost to the port in the South Pole and they think,

Well,

Do we really want to turn around and go all the way back and then switch the other direction?

Sounds like a lot of work.

I get it.

I'm going the wrong way,

But that's just a lot of work.

I could do it,

But I'd have to put a lot of effort to make that change.

And we as humans are much like that when we realize that,

Oh,

We've gotten off course.

Let's say,

For example,

We come home every night and we're tired,

We're exhausted.

So we spend a couple hours watching kind of negative news and negative shows.

We have a few glasses of wine.

We may have some fried food and then we go to bed.

Not the best habit in place.

And we say,

Oh,

I get it.

I'm supposed to eat better.

I'm supposed to do some exercise and I probably shouldn't drink every night.

Maybe meditation and yoga would be better.

It's nice.

It makes sense.

But to do it is going to cause a lot of upsetness,

A lot of just uncomfortableness,

Particularly if we've done the other thing for say 20,

30,

40 years.

It's hard to change habits.

Again,

We can do it,

But it's hard.

So that's one of the things I've noticed over the years working with so many people is that when they have got these habits in place,

Sometimes it isn't that they don't agree with me what they need to do,

But doing it is a very different phenomenon.

They become much like that huge cargo ship where to change direction is possible.

It's definitely doable.

They have to turn the engines off.

The tech boats need to come and help change the direction,

But it's just a lot easier to keep going in the direction we're going.

We understand we're not on the right course,

But it's a lot of work to change.

But we're listening to this podcast to find happiness and peace in our lives.

So let's talk about what's going to happen if we want to create change,

If we really are committed to finding happiness in our lives right now.

How do we do it?

If we're younger,

The blessing we have is our habits probably aren't too entrenched yet,

And they're going to be a lot easier to change.

Now the thing to be careful with being younger is we can think,

Well,

I just want to have fun right now,

You know,

And do whatever I feel like,

And later I'll make changes.

That may seem logical,

But actually it's not because,

Again,

Every day we do something,

We're creating habits.

Our ship is getting bigger,

We're creating more momentum,

And the longer we do things,

Be it a week,

A month,

A year,

Years,

The longer and harder it's going to be to change it.

So if we are younger,

It's really time to commit to change now and not wait for some day.

Begin now,

Because whatever habits we create,

Good habits are the same as bad habits.

Happiness habits are the same as unhappiness habits,

In the sense that whatever's in place is going to be in place.

People that are happy later in their lives have been doing things throughout their lives,

And to change them is actually quite hard,

In the sense that no matter what you throw at them,

They're going to be pretty adaptable and adjust really well,

Because they have very good skills in place,

The skills that I talk about in this podcast and all the other episodes,

Because they're habits.

Habits are habits.

The longer we do it,

The more they're just going to be there,

Period.

So if we're younger,

What we want to do is really learn these skills of what happiness is and how it is created in our lives,

And then implement them on a daily basis.

There's almost 170 episodes of How to Be Happy.

We need to start implementing them and apply them to our lives so that we can ensure that when we do hit these bumps in life,

There's not much going to stop us,

And we're going to just keep going and keep improving.

Now,

If we're older,

We're going to have different challenges.

You know that adage that says you can't teach old dogs new tricks?

You can.

Humans are smart and can change.

But whatever habits are in place,

The longer we've been doing them,

If we're 30 or if we're 70,

It is truly going to take more work to change them.

So we can't listen to a few podcasts and say,

Hey,

This didn't work.

I'm not happier.

If we've been doing something our entire lives and we're not happy,

It isn't going to change overnight.

It is going to take some work and a lot of effort to change it.

So we have to ask ourselves,

Am I truly going to commit to this endeavor of changing the direction of this huge cargo ship that's just plowing through the water so easily right now because it has so much momentum and it's going to be uncomfortable,

It's going to be hard,

And it's going to take a lot of work.

That just is the truth.

Not that we can't do it.

We can.

We just have to commit and say,

Okay,

I'd rather be happy and uncomfortable for a while than be unhappy for the rest of my life.

It kind of boils down to that.

Are we going to be happy?

But be uncomfortable because we're changing.

Or would we rather just keep doing what we do because we're tired and we don't want to make that effort.

It just seems too hard.

Of course,

I want us to change.

We can change.

But when it is hard,

We have to be kind to ourselves because it is going to be challenging.

The longer we've been doing something,

The more effort and work it's going to take to create new habits.

With time we will.

But it's going to take longer if we've been doing something else for a very long time.

Sticking to my analogy,

Let's use the example of a tugboat coming by one of these huge cargo ships,

Meaning us and our habits,

And it starts pushing a little bit to the left because we're going in the completely opposite direction of where we should be going.

It would be like us coming home instead of having maybe a bottle of wine,

Going for a walk before we come home.

Maybe with time,

Another tugboat comes by and we stop going with some of our friends that are negative and we start hanging out with people that are more positive.

And then another tugboat comes by and says,

Hey,

Let's start watching our thoughts,

Realizing that we're actually quite negative.

And with time we're going to watch what we're thinking and what we say to other people.

And then another tugboat comes by and then another one and then another one.

And with time we begin to notice our direction is changing.

And with time we get quite good at it and we don't even need the tugboats anymore.

The tugboats would be our reminders just reminding us to do them,

To getting support.

We just naturally now come home and go for a walk when we get home after work instead of having that bottle of wine.

We just naturally start going to yoga classes instead of just coming home and watching TV for hours.

I mean,

On and on it goes.

There's things that we do that now are in place that are good for us because they are now the new habits.

Any habit can be changed.

But the truth is the longer we lived,

The more we're going to have habits in place.

Some of our habits are going to be amazing and great.

Like listening to this podcast,

You may have been a lifelong learner.

Awesome.

But other ones are going to need some fine tuning,

Some changing.

And that's where as we change them,

We need to be patient with ourselves.

We need to understand in order for them to become habits and that they have their own momentum,

We have to practice them.

And at first it is going to be hard.

But as we keep practicing them,

What will happen is they really will create their own momentum and they won't need any work anymore.

They'll be our natural habits in place.

But instead of being negative habits,

We now have happy,

Peaceful habits that create in us a sense of joy and wonder and love of our lives.

So part of being happy is realizing that our habits are habits.

And the longer we live,

The more they're going to become entrenched,

Whatever the habits are,

Even if the habit is change,

Then that habit probably is going to be there for the rest of your life unless you create some other form of habit.

And there's nothing wrong or right with that.

But if the things we're doing aren't creating happiness in us,

Then it's time to say,

Hmm,

I think it's time to change these habits.

And the longer we lived,

The older we are listening to this podcast,

The truth of it is the harder it's going to be to change them.

So I'm very much in the kindness.

And in this regard,

The kindness is going to be towards ourselves.

We need to acknowledge that,

Wow,

I've been doing this habit now for 57 years.

That's a long time.

It may not change overnight.

I know I can change it,

But it's going to take some time and a lot of effort.

I'm going to commit to it because I want to be happy.

I want to find peace in my life and stop struggling.

Again,

Patience,

Kindness towards ourselves as we mess up,

As we forget,

As we don't do it right.

But we begin to,

If we commit,

If we just keep moving forward,

We can commit to change.

We'll find that there will be change.

And in many ways,

This podcast is like the tugboats.

It's giving you a new push and a new direction.

Listen to them,

Steep yourself in them.

Just allow them to shape the direction in which you're headed.

If you're not finding peace and happiness in your life,

I adamantly believe any of us can.

It takes work.

It takes effort,

But I'd love to be with my podcast,

The little tugboat pushing you in the direction towards happiness.

Now along the way,

We may get discouraged,

But that's where the understanding of,

Okay,

The only thing that's happening here is I'm that big cargo ship with a lot of momentum.

It's going to take work and effort to change this.

I just need to keep working at it until I slowly begin to notice there is change.

My life is getting better,

So I'm going to keep making these changes until these changes become my habits and they get bigger and stronger until I'm the huge cargo ship,

Not headed towards unhappiness,

But now I'm headed towards a daily life of happiness and peace.

And so when life throws something at us and we feel like we could get off course,

We have so much momentum going in the right direction now that we very quickly,

No matter what life throws us,

Keep going in the direction that leads to peace and happiness every day.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

If you are finding these episodes helpful,

I would love for you to share your experience with others.

The easiest way for new people to listen to this podcast is just refer them to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

Or if you want to do more and leave a review,

On that site you'll find a Yelp link,

A Google Plus link,

A testimonial link,

Or perhaps even the site you're listening to this podcast on.

Often you can leave reviews there too.

The reviews are an awesome way to encourage people to start listening to the happiness podcast.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

You and your podcast ARE one in my fleet of tugboats. I am trying (as an order person). Thank you, Dr Puff.

Great! Thank you!

Thank you for another great analogy which gives me help and hope.

Really inspirational. Thank you 🙏🏽

The way you explain things is just fantastic. 🙏🏻

Great advice. Very true how habits can be changed. 🙏🏼

I look forward to all Dr. Puff's podcasts. Each one is a step closer to lasting peace and happiness.

Great although I wish he didn’t keep repeating how much harder change is when you’re older. I got it the first five times.
Loved the message overall but would prefer emphasis on on change is possible at any age for anyone who really wants it.