Welcome to the Happiness Podcast,
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
When things are going well and we like the way our life is unfolding,
I don't think it's very hard to be happy and peaceful.
But what about all those times when things aren't going well?
Like when we lose our job and we don't know what we're going to do next,
Or the person that we thought we were going to spend our life with doesn't want to be with us anymore.
When these life challenges come,
Are we just supposed to grin and bear it until it passes?
Or can we actually,
Perhaps,
Change it into something good?
I think our tendency is to just try to avoid these unfortunate circumstances that happen throughout life.
We really do our best to make sure that they don't happen,
And then when they do,
We just grin and bear it until it passes,
Because usually,
Even the most traumatic things have an end to them.
Pause for a moment and think about the things in your life that you don't like,
That you wish were different.
And now ask yourself,
Is the mere fact that you want this thing to end,
That you want this event to be different,
Causing you distress?
Or sometimes,
Do we reach a point of hopelessness and just feel,
This is the way life is and life sucks?
A real good example of this is how some people age.
And the truth is,
I think a lot of people face old age in this way.
You may have heard this before,
I can't tell you how many times I have.
You ask someone who's older,
What's the secret to getting older?
And they'll say,
Don't get older,
Because when you get older,
Your life is just going to be hard.
But the truth is,
Don't we all know people who,
As they get older,
Are truly living their lives to their best and most exquisite form?
That they're enjoying their life,
And even with the bumps of aging,
They find joy and happiness in their lives?
So there has to be a possibility.
Even if the majority,
Say 80-90% of people,
Really dislike getting older,
If there are 10-20% of people out there that really are enjoying the latter years of their life,
Wouldn't it be wise and prudent of us to head in that direction,
Even if it's way off?
And no matter what challenge we could discuss right now,
Whether it be death of a loved one,
Loss of a job,
Some health malady,
Whatever we could come up with,
Yes,
There'll be lots of people struggling and having a really hard time with it,
And finding that life is sometimes unbearable,
But we all know those few people out there that shine when they go through difficult times.
Not only do they shine,
They turn that challenge into a growth opportunity and are even better off afterwards.
So that's what I want to talk about today.
How do we shift our mindset from a victim to a victor?
The first thing that we have to do is both be aware and then challenge the problem narrative.
What I mean by that is not seeing the thing that we're challenged with right now as a problem,
But rather as an opportunity for growth.
When we see it that way,
That is what it's going to become.
When we reframe challenges,
What happens is we get an emotional response that opens us up to new possibilities.
Instead of being depressed and forlorn,
We begin to see the opportunities for change and growth,
Even in these sometimes dire situations.
When we're facing challenges and we turn them into problems,
They become a problem,
And we're not looking for solutions.
We're looking to get stuck in that quagmire of despair,
And we can stay there for a very long time.
When we see them as challenges,
As something that right now we don't have the answer to,
But we're going to keep working on it until we do,
Then that is what's going to happen because I believe there's always a solution to any problem.
The real solution is there,
Not in that the fact that we can change things because many things we can't change.
If we're in an industry where they're downsizing because of automation,
Yes,
It isn't fair.
It doesn't seem right.
We can go down that path and perhaps stay unemployed the rest of our lives,
Or we can say,
Okay,
I see right now I can't do my job anymore,
At least in what I was doing.
What opportunities or challenges are before me that I can now adjust to these changes?
I can't make my job come back,
But I can create new jobs for myself through perhaps education,
Through perhaps moving,
Through perhaps talking to other people,
Or even starting my own company.
Here's one I see often in my practice.
A person is with someone that they were planning on spending their life with.
They have children together,
They buy a home,
They do all these things to create a beautiful life for themselves,
But then it ends and now they're a single parent living on their own and they only have their kids part of the time.
Now a lot of problem narratives can be created about this situation,
And people do.
They can stay stuck in this quagmire for the rest of their lives.
This isn't fair.
I miss my kids.
Why is this happening?
Life is financially harder now.
I hate this.
That's a narrative we can go with,
And it can run for as long as we keep fueling it,
And sometimes people fuel it for the rest of their lives.
It's very sad,
And yet other people that I work with that are going through a divorce or separation are open to exploring the possibilities now of being a single parent and living on their own.
It actually means to them that they have a little bit more free time because they don't have the kids all the time,
And they may be able to go back to work into a whole new field because now they need to start generating some income.
It's all about our perspective.
We can see things from different perspectives,
But what I'm encouraging us to do today and hopefully for the rest of our lives is when we face challenges,
And we will,
Is see them as a catalyst for growth.
We do that by first acknowledging our part in how we got there.
If we contributed in some ways to what's happening to us right now,
We need to look at that and say,
Okay,
This is how I participated in causing this challenge right now.
Then we say,
What do I do going forward to make sure that doesn't happen again?
What can I learn from this?
Not what a stupid,
Idiotic person I was,
But what can I learn from this going forward?
When we're self-critical,
Instead of being self-reflective,
Then we get stuck,
And we can stay stuck for the rest of our lives,
But when we see challenges as opportunities for self-awareness,
For change,
For opportunities,
Then all these challenges don't become something dark and dire,
But as opportunities,
Ways that we can grow because the truth is ultimately most of our challenges come from how we're interpreting our world.
Think of the fact that some of us will lose our job.
I read a study once that showed that on average,
An adult person will have six different jobs that they have to be retrained for in order to complete working throughout their lives.
That's six different jobs that they'll get retrained for.
That's amazing,
And yet some people,
When they lose their job or get fired,
Again,
Go into that very dark space and say,
What's wrong with me?
And sadly,
The truth is,
There is something wrong with them if they think that because that's the energy they're fueling in their thoughts and in their emotions that there's something wrong with them.
Instead,
They say,
Oh,
I'm only at my third job that I'm getting retrained for.
That's not so bad.
I'm only halfway there.
See how differently that would look?
We face challenges.
Again,
Think about marriage.
Marriage is pretty important for many of us,
And yet we know that half of marriages,
At least here in the US,
Will probably end in divorce.
So if you happen to be in that half camp,
Does that mean half the United States has failed and you're joining them and half the United States is losers?
If you think that,
You're not right about the half of the United States,
But you're going to be right about yourself because that's the energy you're fueling.
That's the thought you're giving your brain.
Even if the other half is doing really well and thriving,
If you think that you failed,
Then you have because that's the energy you're giving yourself.
It doesn't matter very much what other people think of you.
It matters what you think of you.
So that's why self-reflection and seeing that our thoughts matter and seeing now problems not as problems,
But as opportunities for growth and a catalyst for change.
It's such a different perspective,
And it's a powerful one,
And it is one that will get us back to where we want to be when there are the bumps of life.
We can say,
I got this.
I know how to handle this,
And I'm going to get through this as soon as possible.
And again,
The deeper truth is not necessarily making any changes,
Except one,
Changing the negative thinking in our head.
That's what's causing us to suffer,
Not the event in and of itself.
I know we go through hard times.
I'm not negating that,
But we're going to adjust to them or get through them much more quickly when we have a growth mindset.
When we have a negative mindset,
We truly can stay stuck in that quagmire for the rest of our lives if we're not careful.
When Stephen Hawkins was diagnosed with ALS and he wasn't given much time to live,
He said,
You know,
I still like physics.
I'm going to stick with this because I enjoy it,
And I'll just adjust to the changes I need to make with my body.
And then he ended up living decades and made major contributions to the world of physics.
Imagine if he had been diagnosed with ALS and said,
Oh my,
I give up.
Life is pointless.
I can't fight this.
They've told me I'm going to be dead shortly.
Why even try?
What if he had done that?
And he could have,
But he didn't.
And we don't have to either.
We are going to face challenges in life.
That's just an inevitable part of being human.
But what we can do is really see these challenges as a catalyst for growth.
And here's how we do that.
One thing we can do is set goals and action planning,
Breaking the challenges into smaller,
More manageable steps,
And creating a roadmap for moving forward.
Then we work on building resilience,
Developing coping mechanisms and strategies from bouncing back from setbacks,
Like what we're doing right now,
Listening to this podcast.
And also seeking support.
When we're surrounded by people that are cheering us on,
Believing in us,
And even helping us seeing things from a different perspective,
We do so much better.
That's why I really love what I do.
I love helping people improve their lives.
When they don't see any light at the end of the tunnel,
I'm going to show it to them and help them get there.
We need people that can help us get through our challenges.
And there's lots of people out there that would love to help us.
We just need to make sure we say,
Can you help me please?
And then when we see others who are struggling,
We can say,
I've gone through that.
Let me help you and teach you what I've learned.
We're a community and we surround ourselves with good people that help us and we help them.
And so that when we do face the challenges of life and they're going to come,
Instead of seeing them as problems,
We really begin to see them as opportunities and catalysts for growth.
We're not going to be the same person at the end of the challenge,
But I believe we're going to be better people,
More evolved,
More happy,
More self-actualized,
And just more peaceful.
We can do this no matter what challenges we're facing right now.
It isn't easy,
But it's worth it.
I just want to encourage all of us not to give up,
Keep moving forward,
Seek help,
And work on developing that mental shift from victim to victor.
We got this.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
Until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
