When To Accept Or Change Life

We make decisions all the time. How do we decide when to accept what is happening or keep working towards changing the situation in our life? We explore a 5-step process to find if we should accept or change life.

Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

During the course of our lives,

We make a lot of decisions.

Who do we marry?

Where do we go to school?

Where do we live?

When do we switch jobs?

When do we retire?

What do we decide for dinner tonight?

What do we do in regards to fixing up our house?

Do we rent or do we buy?

Do we save for retirement or do we travel?

We make a lot of decisions in our lives.

And sometimes it's hard to know when to change and when to keep things going the way they happen.

If you've been listening to my podcasts before,

You'll know that I end every podcast with the same phrase,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

But how do we decide when to accept and how do we decide that we need to keep going or make a change or just keep trying to make things different versus accepting that this is just the way it is.

And now we need to accept that and even work towards loving that.

Let me use three examples to illustrate.

Let's say we're dating someone,

We love them and we think they're a pretty good match for us,

But we're just not sure if we're ready to get married to them and spend our lives with them because sometimes we have conflicts with them and we're not sure if they're enough to keep going or do we want to end the relationship?

Should we get into therapy and try to work through some of these issues or do we just accept this is the way the other person is and whether we can live with that or not?

Or perhaps we're approaching retirement and we have to decide if it's time to retire or not.

Our job is good,

But sometimes it can be exhausting and we've done it for quite a while.

But if we keep going,

We know we may get more tired and retirement is sounding very appealing to us.

At the same time,

If we retire this year,

Then there's the issue of we're going to have less money for the rest of our lives.

If we can just hang in there a little bit longer,

We'll have more money to spend.

But if we do hang in there longer,

It gets really tiresome and we just don't know which way to go.

Or let's say we're diagnosed with cancer and our medical community is providing us options,

But they're limited.

And do we go with these options or do we start exploring other places and really research other places around the world that have perhaps some success with treating cancer that here in our country they can't do?

How far do we go or do we just accept the cancer and let it take its course?

So this one question,

When do we accept life or when do we change the life is something all of us are going to face throughout our lives.

It's going to keep coming back and we have to decide when do we accept and when do we keep pushing for change?

It's a difficult decision and an important one to understand.

So let's talk about how do we progress in life with all the changes that were presented?

I believe there are five steps that we can go through in order to know when to accept and when to change the circumstances of our lives.

The first thing we need to do is gather information really investigating what are the pros and cons of the decision I need to make looking at both sides.

If I say yes and keep going or if I say no and stop and accept what is really looking at what will be the consequences of both of these decisions and gathering information is probably one of the most important aspects of knowing when to accept and when to change.

The next thing we need to do is do a list of the good and bad of the decision.

If we make the acceptance decision,

What is the good and bad in that list and we make the change decision,

What is the good and bad in that list and kind of look and compare.

If I do this,

If I decide to go with the cancer treatment,

What are the pros and cons?

If I don't go with it,

What are the pros and cons?

And really writing down that list and being honest.

The third thing we can do,

Which we do need to be careful with,

This is the one we really want to reflect on because this one can get us in trouble,

Is asking other people what they think.

Now why I say we have to be careful with this because some people have really bad advice and we want to be careful that we ask someone that we look at with wisdom and that we can somewhat trust.

But ultimately we also need to remember it is our decision.

We have to live with it.

So even though we can ask people that we trust,

What do they think?

What would they do?

It is ultimately our decision.

This is actually the main role I play in my work.

I help people decide what the best decision is and you know how I do it.

I don't tell them what to do even though I have a lot of experience in how things turn out.

What I do is I listen to them.

I really listen to the pros and cons,

All the different aspects of the decision they're making and from that information I reflect back on what they're telling me.

And usually with asking enough questions,

Really doing the research,

Which in a sense I'm doing for them by asking the questions that they don't know how to ask,

I can reflect back to them,

This is what I'm hearing.

You should accept or you should keep moving forward and try to create change.

So in looking for advice from others,

Make sure it's someone that you can trust,

That really will help you look at yourself and what's best for you,

Not what's best for them.

Because their life isn't your life and I think this is one that can be very helpful but also we need to be careful with.

And I also think it's one that gets us most in trouble in deciding what to do because we get so many different opinions.

But the different opinions come from there really isn't that many different opinions.

It's more that they're looking at it from their perspective instead of trying to figure it out your perspective and what would be best for you.

So you're really looking for someone who will help you look within and decide what's best for you right now.

And then we reach the fourth step,

Which I think is the critical step in deciding whether to accept or to change.

And I'm going to call it retreat time.

And what I mean by that is we take our three steps,

Gathering the information that we have,

Looking at the pros and cons,

Seeking advice from other wise people.

And with this information,

We go on retreat,

Meaning we go to a place where we're quiet and then we just listen.

And what we're not listening for is a turmoil within our hearts.

We've been listening to this for ages.

What we're listening for is with these three steps in place,

What is best for us to do right now.

And when we listen,

When we're still,

I believe that we'll find the direction we need to head will become very clear to us.

Now,

Sometimes it can be just sitting for an hour.

Sometimes it can be going away for a weekend.

Sometimes it can be going on retreat for a month,

Just taking time to really reflect because some of the decisions we make are huge,

Are very important.

So that's why it's important to listen.

But this time we're listening to our hearts.

We're listening to all the information that's been gathered to us.

And then we're just still.

And I do believe in that stillness.

We will find what we're supposed to do now.

And then we move to step five is where we decide.

And once we decide,

We do that.

We decide.

What we typically do is when we make a decision,

We go back and forth between,

But what if I do?

What if I don't?

We questioned the decision.

No,

It's time to stop doing that.

If we've done the four previous steps and we really know what our heart needs to do,

Then we just do that.

And we stop questioning the decision.

We just do what we need to do.

And then we accept that decision.

So acceptance is accepting what is,

But accepting what is can be,

We're going to continue to work towards change.

That too can be acceptance.

I know I talk about it so often about accepting what is and loving what is,

But acceptance can be,

I'm going to keep working at my job even though I'm tired.

I think working one more year is a good idea because then I'll have more for retirement.

And I've really thought about it.

And my heart says,

Let's do one more year.

So then we just do that one more year.

Or let's say we have cancer and our choices are we can continue to do chemotherapy with all the consequences that comes with,

Or we can stop and just live our lives.

And if we choose to keep doing chemotherapy,

Then we stop questioning whether we should stop or not.

We've made a decision and we live with that.

Or if we choose to stop,

We stop questioning,

What if I had taken chemotherapy more?

We stopped doing that.

We live with our decision and we live our lives.

So we really can have beautiful lives even when there are decisions to make.

And the truth is there's a lot of decisions that we have to make through our lives.

And I think through our lives,

We can find the right answers.

We have to be truthful.

We have to gather information.

We can't go with,

But I really want this.

I want this.

And I don't want to accept what is because I want this.

If this isn't available,

Then we're fighting what is.

Sometimes when our spouse says,

I want a divorce,

We can work on accepting or changing how we're going to accept that divorce.

But what we can't do is get them back.

If they want a divorce,

Then we're going to get a divorce.

So our choice isn't do we or not accept a divorce.

We just accept a divorce.

Our choice is how do we live after we get divorced.

That's where we have to differentiate.

What am I actually deciding?

If I'm let go from my work at 62 and I wanted to keep working,

Then I can't get my job back because they let me go.

I can decide whether I want to try for another job or I can retire early.

That's my decision.

So again,

Gathering information is pivotal.

We got to know what is our decision.

What do we have to choose between?

Sometimes there is no choice.

And so we just say this,

I just have to accept and accept well.

But often there is a choice and that's where the research is important.

But I do want to emphasize the most important part of all of this is the retreat.

I think we have to make so many decisions in our lives pretty regularly and periodically checking in with our hearts and saying,

How am I doing?

What direction am I headed?

And do I like this direction?

Or is it time for change?

That's where retreats can be so helpful.

And remember,

After we've gathered information and have it before us,

We just listen.

We don't keep thinking about it.

We really just listen.

And I think in that silence,

We will often know what to do.

Again,

I do believe we can navigate the choices of acceptance or change in our lives quite well,

As long as we take these five steps and do them when it comes time to make a decision.

And when we do this,

When we say,

Okay,

I am going to really work on this,

Knowing when to change and knowing when to accept,

Because I want to have a beautiful life.

We can have beautiful lives.

It takes work.

It takes effort.

But if we put forth that work and we continue to take time to explore who we are,

Where we're going,

What we want,

I do believe that we can find that our life can be beautiful because we can know when do we need to change and keep moving forward,

Or when is it time to accept what is and ultimately love what is.

And may we remember the wise words of the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr,

His serenity prayer,

Which goes,

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is love what is.

Reviews

Great insights. Thank you!

Beautiful voice

Puff puff

Thank you Dr. Puff!

Practical and actionable advice for a decision framework for big decisions. Thank you.

Thank you for these words of wisdom 🙏

This is simply exactly what i am going through... need to decide if i should accept or change things. I guess i am rethinking over a decision taken... still I am going to take the 5 steps you suggested.
🙏

Thank you Happiness 🙏🏽😃