When Happiness Evades Us

In this podcast, we explore how to find happiness and peace in our lives when it seems to evade in so many ways. This is a track that will provide us with some fantastic insight as to how and why we as humans turn our back on the happiness available to us.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

The other day I was getting my hair cut by Lisa.

I talked about her in an earlier podcast.

She didn't go to university right after high school,

So now in her 30s,

She's decided to go back.

Well,

When I saw her,

I could tell that she was upset.

One of the courses that she had to take in order to go forward and stay in her program was statistics.

She felt that she was never very good at math,

And though she had already worked with five tutors with this class,

She failed her midterm exam.

We talked for a while,

And I told her that learning math is really based upon two things.

It does seem true,

For some people,

Math comes a lot easier.

And for me,

I really love math.

But the two things that she needed in order to succeed in her class were,

One,

First,

Find a teacher slash tutor that she really likes that is good and helps her learn math.

And then the second thing is,

You have to really,

Really work at it when math doesn't come naturally to you.

And what I believe is,

If you do these two things,

You can really accomplish math,

Or any subject for that matter.

I had another friend who gave me a beautiful drawing for my birthday once,

And she told me that she was a terrible drawer.

She wasn't very good at it,

But she took a class at university,

And she had an excellent teacher,

And she worked at it,

And she became quite a proficient drawer.

I was very impressed.

For myself,

Though I tend to be quite good at math and the sciences,

What I wasn't proficient at was languages.

So,

At university,

Though I took quite a few courses,

I had to work harder at it,

And in each situation I was able to get very good grades because I really worked hard at it.

That is the key.

We can learn anything,

Any skill,

As long as we have a good teacher,

And we work at it.

I really deeply believe that.

So I've been teaching how to make our lives better for over 30 years now,

And of course over the years I've met people that they feel they really just can't be happy.

It's too hard for them.

It evades them.

It's just something that they feel they aren't capable of doing.

And I actually think it gets reinforced through the medical community.

I think there's a lot of information out there that some people are just depressed,

And there's not much they can do about it,

Maybe be on some medication,

But on their own they're just going to be depressed.

And I don't agree with that.

I do believe that some people are genetically prone to have to struggle more at being happy.

I agree with that part,

But the part I don't agree with is that they're stuck,

And they have to be unhappy or be on medication for the rest of their lives.

That has not been my experience over 30 years.

The reason I think medication is so prevalent in our world is because it is easier if you're having a bad,

Sad day,

And a pill makes it better,

Or at least alleviates some of the pain,

You might go down that path.

I think illicit drugs,

Alcohol,

And things of that sort can do the same thing.

Addictions can numb the pain,

But they're not going to fix it.

It's more like having an ache in the arm or some pain in the stomach.

Instead of treating the symptoms,

You should novocaine into those areas and numb the pain,

But the pain still is a cause.

I far more prefer getting to the root of the cause,

Changing it,

And then getting better.

So what's needed to find happiness in our lives now if it's harder for us and it does evade us?

Well,

This goes back to what I said before to Lisa.

If we want to learn a new skill,

We have to do two things.

We have to find a good,

Competent teacher that can help us learn the skill of happiness,

And the second thing is we have to practice it.

Both parts have to be there.

Because mind you,

I'm not denying it,

For some people,

Being happier is harder.

I mean,

Like I said,

They may have a genetic predisposition towards not being happy,

But again,

That can be improved,

Or they may have had traumas in their lives that lead towards unhappiness,

But again,

That can be improved.

Well,

Let's start with finding a competent teacher.

If you're liking what you're learning here,

We are approaching close to 200 episodes at 10 to 20 minutes each on how to be happy.

So there's a lot of information that you can learn here about being happy,

But of course I'm not the only one.

What's important is to find a teacher that you resonate with and finding someone that you believe in.

The research has been very strong in showing how happiness can be improved through cognitive therapy,

Or through mindfulness,

Or through exercise.

There's a lot of research out there on how to be happy.

I talk about these things in the earlier episodes,

Besides a lot of things that I've learned over the years.

There's many things that we can do to improve our lives.

So that's the first thing we want to do.

We want to learn things that we can get better with.

Now the second part is really the crucial part.

We can have the most advanced knowledge in the world.

We can keep up with the most technologically critical research on happiness.

We can do all these things to be an expert on happiness,

But if we don't apply it,

It's really irrelevant.

I mean,

Think about a gymnast.

She or he may make it all the way to the Olympics and have an awesome coach who has all these techniques to get them at such a great level,

But that coach couldn't do one thing in regards to what he or she is teaching their students.

Knowledge is good,

But we have to apply it.

Think of Lisa learning statistics,

Or me learning a language.

If we don't apply that skill and use it,

We're not going to get better at it.

We have to apply the skills we learn here.

That's crucial in order to get better at being happy.

The techniques here that I've learned,

I feel will work no matter what.

We can have awesome lives no matter what.

But if we don't apply them,

What I've learned is all the knowledge in the world won't help us unless we apply it,

Practice it,

And learn it.

And then there's one more thing.

It's really not part three,

But it's really one more thing we have to do is we have to keep applying it.

Again,

Comparing this to being an athlete,

We could be in great physical shape,

But if we stop working out,

We're going to be out of shape.

Or let's say Lisa learned statistics,

She may learn it,

But if she wants to keep that knowledge,

She has to keep practicing it.

When we want to learn a skill,

We have to practice it.

And if we want to keep that skill,

Particularly if that skill is harder for us,

Then we have to work at it regularly.

We have to have things in place that help us keep doing the things that are helping us to be happy.

Unless we do,

We will lose that skill and we'll go back to our unhappiness.

So what I'm arguing is that happiness truly is a learned skill.

It's things that we have in place that we do that help us to make our lives work.

It'd be like learning a language.

If we learn to speak French,

And then we stop practicing French with time,

We'll forget a lot of what we've learned.

Some of the basics will be there,

But unless we apply it,

Unless we practice it,

It will fade away.

It's the same way with happiness.

It is something we have to work at till the day we die.

The great news is we can keep getting better at it until the day we die.

It isn't something that goes away with time.

It's something that if we work at,

We can keep improving and improving for the rest of our lives.

Now I want to talk briefly about depressive medication because we have to be careful with it on several accounts.

What happens when we get on depression medication is that if our doctor finds the right combination that works for us,

Then we're going to feel better.

It's going to work.

But if we want to get off of it,

We don't want to just quit.

The first thing we want to do is talk to our doctor and say,

Okay,

I've been on this medication for a blank number of years,

And these are the things that I'm going to do to start getting better,

Things that I need to do to improve my life.

I know I just can't quit.

I know I just can't do anything.

But if I do these things,

I'm going to see improvement.

And with that improvement,

I'm going to slowly start backing off from the medication.

Now your doctor may fight this,

But I think if you can show them,

Or particularly your own heart,

Yes,

I am practicing these skills.

I am doing the things to get better.

Then you're going to find that it works and you can slowly get off the medication and be off of it for the rest of your life.

Now you won't if you don't keep practicing the skills.

So don't give up and keep working at it.

If you have a tendency towards depression,

Either because of your past or your genetic predisposition,

That is always going to be something you may go back to.

So in order not to go back to it,

You have to practice these things regularly.

Here's a good analogy to this.

If,

As a child,

We tend to be heavy,

Then our body remembers it.

It's called the set point towards weight.

We tend to be used to being a certain weight.

Well,

That means that our body is used to that weight.

Now we can change it,

Of course,

But we have to work on it.

So if we want to keep our weight down,

We're going to have to exercise and eat right for the rest of our lives.

Of course,

That's good for all of us,

But if we have a tendency to be heavier because we were heavier as a child,

Or we had really poor habits taught to us as a child,

Then we're going to have to really work at it and not give up.

And it's the same way with happiness.

Some of us,

I do believe,

Have more struggles with being happy for a variety of reasons,

The main two being genetics and really bad events in their lives.

So when they are ready to commit to being happy,

It is something they have to maintain.

They can't,

In a sense,

Take a break from it.

They have to work at it regularly.

And then they'll find that happiness is part of their lives instead of something that evades them.

We can all be happy,

But we all need to work at it.

But particularly if happiness has been evading you for most of your life,

Then after you learn the skills and you know they're going to work,

You have to apply them every day,

Regularly.

Otherwise,

They won't keep working.

They'll work,

But they won't keep working unless we keep applying the skills that help us to be happy.

So to recap,

I deeply believe any of us,

Any of us,

Can have beautiful,

Peaceful,

Happy lives if we do two things.

One,

We learn the skills of what it takes to be happy.

And then the second thing is that we apply these skills.

And then the third thing is,

As a side note,

Is we keep doing these skills.

Now I know some of the listeners struggle with this because it's harder for them,

Like Lisa learning statistics.

But that's okay.

We can still all learn the skills of happiness.

It may take a little bit more work for some of us,

But that's still okay.

It's still worth it if it matters to us.

If we really want to be,

Say,

An engineer,

But we're not good at math,

We can still be an engineer.

It's just going to take more work.

If we really want to live,

Say,

In France and we want to learn French,

And languages are hard for us,

We can still learn French.

It just may take us more time and be harder for us.

So any of us can do the same with happiness.

It may take us more work.

It may be harder.

But if we work at it and keep doing it,

We can all have beautiful lives,

No matter what.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter,

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

So good! Thank you! Good starting point for getting well

All rings so true 💖

Such a great message. Thank you 😊

Completely agree. Thank you

Thank you Dr. Puff! Always inspiring podcasts! Namaste 🙏

Very thoughtful, practical advice! I loved this podcast. It rings true for me.