Unkind Behavior (An Effective Response)

One of the most overwhelming experiences we can go through is when another person lashes out at us unkindly. We are often like deer facing the headlights; what should we say or do? In this episode, we explore an effective yet easy-to-do response to all unkindness from others.

Transcript

Welcome to the happiness podcast.

I'm dr.

Robert puff in many ways I believe one of the hardest challenges in life for us is when people are unkind to us We just don't know what to do.

It can be incredibly overwhelming Particularly if it's someone that we care for But even when a stranger is unkind towards us It's amazing how quickly our good day can become a very bad day And I think often there's a tendency when someone's being Unruly unkind towards us to do it back towards them in a sense an eye for an eye you punched me metaphorically,

So now I'm gonna punch you I Was recently in Turkey and while I was there I needed to order a shuttle bus to come take me back to the airport He was a little late and then he ended up stopping at several places picking up other people But I thought hmm.

I wonder if I'm gonna make it to my plane,

But I was polite and he was very polite back It was a nice drive to the airport Well when I got to the airport and I went back to get the luggage so that I could catch my plane There was another man there and they were screaming at each other Calling each other's names and I wasn't sure if they were gonna actually get into a physical fight But I gave him my tip and he immediately stopped looked at me and said thank you And then he went back to screaming at this other guy again,

And this other guy was equally screaming at him It was a pretty intense situation But like I said towards me he was very polite He was very kind and he even gave me a big smile And I think we often see this a lot in our own lives as a clinical psychologist I work with couples often our families where they get in altercations Emotional sometimes even physical sadly and they're ugly.

They're very cruel and they're very mean and The other person who's often the victim of it doesn't know what to do.

Are they supposed to engage with it?

Are they supposed to attack back?

I mean after all are we just supposed to let people walk all over us and abuse us?

I don't think so.

But are there other options than necessarily attacking back?

Because if we've lived long enough We've all had experiences where people are unkind towards us and sometimes maybe even often it's unjustified It's uncalled for so what do we do in these situations?

And that's what I want to talk about the day Over the years.

I really feel I've come up with the best response to when others are unkind towards us Particularly when the behavior is aggressive or just not kind words that are hurtful Maybe they weren't intentional but they hurt what do we do?

Because normally we're pretty overwhelmed with emotions when these things happen because often we don't see them coming and Too we don't understand the intensity that is being thrust at us.

It doesn't make sense to us.

So it overwhelms us we're like a deer in the headlight and We don't know if we're supposed to flee or we're supposed to fight and it's amazing when we go to fight how quickly Things can escalate and sometimes quite out of control I remember the first time I drove into New York City I got to the tunnel that led to the city and There were a single lane so you had to choose to get into the tunnel to get in there because you had to pay a toll Well while I was waiting in line There was a taxi and then another car trying to get in the same position and each thought they had the right away Well first they started honking at each other Then they started flipping each other off through the window Then they literally got out and started having a fistfight over who got there first.

I'd never seen anything like that before It was quite overwhelming Even though I wasn't involved it was very overwhelming So our emotions get triggered when we experience either towards us or towards someone else unkind behavior For many people most people it's quite overwhelming because we just don't know what to do what do we do in this situation particularly when it's aimed at us and we didn't see it coming and Now I'm gonna give what I feel is the best response in these situations and to be truthful Some of you are gonna disagree with me and that's okay.

You don't have to agree with what I say,

Of course But I would encourage us to at least be open to consider this option because it's a simple option It's easy to do and when we're overwhelmed with our feelings Having a complicated response can be very difficult to do.

What is far better?

It's a very simple response that we can do each and every time and that I found over the years over the decades of working With people helping them improve their lives.

It works.

It always works You may not like it because there may be something you prefer to do But in this situation when we're overwhelmed with unkindness When someone is being cruel towards us and our feelings are just inundating us.

This is a very good response The first thing we don't do is we don't do anything back we don't say anything mean back we don't push we don't attack We don't get in their face.

We don't get aggressive.

We don't get Angry,

We don't get mean we don't we don't do any of those things.

That isn't what we do Now you may be wondering why not?

I want to do that if someone's messing with me.

I'm gonna mess back with them You can of course I can't stop you But again over my 30 plus years of experience what I found is when we do that After the dust settles and everything settles down which normally it does We kind of regret we did that for the most part Yeah,

There are people that you hang on to anger for the rest of their lives But do we want to be like them I think the normal person who really tries to be kind and loving towards others When they lash back at someone that hurts them they feel guilty later very guilty So it's not good to do that.

I would not recommend in any situations choosing the path of attacking back Boundaries are fine.

I'm gonna end talking about boundaries,

But attacking back I do believe is the path of suffering for the other person and it's a path of suffering for yourself Because when we're unkind towards others,

We're just not happy campers.

I really believe that again you may disagree But I would challenge you to find someone out there who's really tough and no one messes with them.

That's happy We're listening to this happiness podcast because we want to be happy being tough Isn't the path of happiness.

I deeply believe that All right,

Dr.

Puff if you don't want me to be tough back if you don't want me to attack them What do you want me to do?

I?

Want you to leave?

That's it.

That's all I want you to do.

Just leave the situation and You don't need to tell the other person why you're leaving you just leave and before I explain why this works So well,

The best thing about this is that it's really simple you Literally just get up and remove yourself from the situation and you don't have to say anything You just leave you don't have to tell them they're being a jerk That's why you're leaving because I would be attacking back and we do that sometimes we think well I'm gonna tell them why I'm leaving because they're being a jerk,

But we don't do that We just leave and that's it the great thing.

I like about this again What happens when we're in these situations our emotions sometimes get very overwhelmed and this is so easy You just leave that's where all your attention goes to because sometimes it takes a little bit of work I mean after all if you're in a public place,

Where do you go?

You ever at a restaurant?

You just stand up and leave.

Yes.

What if you're in a car?

Do you just get out if you can't yes now sometimes of course,

You can't leave like you're on a plane What are you gonna do and your partner said something that was really unkind towards you and you're stuck on a six-hour flight with them Then you just get quiet That's a form of leading to not responding not saying anything and they may be poking you Metaphorically trying to get you to react but you just stay quiet Now one thing you can do of course because you need to make sure that they really were being unkind of the behavior is Is seeking clarification you may want to make sure that their behavior is truly being unkind You could just be misinterpreting them You may say did you really mean to say right now that I'm fat and ugly I said and they would say no no,

No,

No.

No,

I wasn't talking about you at all I'm so sorry.

You heard that and that can happen.

Of course So then you clarify and then you move on but if they're clearly Being cruel unkind and we often know when that's happening.

It's very clear to us and them Then we just leave it's so simple now.

Let's talk about why does it work?

Well,

The first reason that it works is it doesn't escalate because what can happen is if we do try to engage with them They can get uglier and sometimes we get ugly and then there's just a lot of collateral damage That's done on both sides or they just keep saying mean things.

We're trying to calm them down We all know situations like this Where someone is being very cruel and unkind and we try to tone it down a bit and they just get worse So that doesn't typically work.

I mean it may sometimes but it's a risk.

This is just easier Again,

If we leave and they stop saying things what will happen is this is the second part what happens is they'll realize Something happened.

I mean we left we stopped talking with them.

We got silent Something's going on and that may help them reflect and say oh I wonder if what I said hurt their feelings or I wonder if my behavior was upsetting them I mean,

They're gonna have to look they may not own it But something changed and when we changed the situation by leaving that will require them to look Or perhaps just calm down often leaving a situation allows the other person to calm down and that's why we leave There are so many benefits to leaving but the biggest one is it's so simple to do and we just get often Overwhelmed when someone is unkind towards us.

We don't know what to do.

It's overwhelming and this is very simple We just leave and that Hopefully allows them to calm down or to get in a better place and who knows maybe they'll apologize for what they did Sometimes they do that's not our journey Our journey is to not let it escalate and we don't let it escalate when we leave when there's no one to yell at It's much harder for that person to say escalated and upset They're probably gonna calm down and our hope is when they calm down They'll see what they did was unkind and even apologize for their behavior and we won't have to apologize back Because we didn't do anything back to them.

We just left or we got quiet if we had to do that and Again,

The thing I like about it so much is we really do get overwhelmed when someone is unkind towards us So this is just a simple technique just leave or if we have to just get quiet It works.

It's effective now that I know there are situations where people do Criminal acts towards us very harmful things and I don't mind at all if we have to get the police involved that de-escalate things We're gonna stay quiet.

The police may come to help the other person get calmer,

Too.

That's fine We can do that.

Sometimes particularly if they won't let us leave we may have to say I Would like for you to let me leave is that gonna be a problem?

And if they don't then we may need to get someone to help us like the police so that we can leave But we don't engage with them.

We don't fight back with them.

We just get quiet Now,

Of course if someone is physically attacking us,

We're gonna defend ourselves.

I'm not talking about that Those usually come with time.

It usually gets to physical altercations when Something really bad has happened and it escalates.

I mean it does happen particularly people on drugs or Alcohol they can make very poor choices incredibly quickly But in most situations and I'm talking about most of them.

This is a very good technique just to leave and Even if we do decide that we have to defend ourselves,

It's just defending ourselves.

It's not trying to inflict severe punishment and cruelty back on them.

It's just to protect ourselves That's why we do it so that we can do but let's not get too emotional Do but ultimately why I want to keep this very simple is because when we're in these situations We can go from a place of peace happiness and tranquility To a place of being incredibly overwhelmed by what was just said or done to us And if we just leave we can then take some time to heal heal our hearts process what happened realize it probably had nothing to do with us and then we also didn't engage and And participate in making the situation that was very bad for us Much worse.

I know it may feel like what I'm suggesting to some of you like being a marshmallow Letting people walk all over us But it is very challenging not to say something back and to leave this is not easy This takes a very brave soul to stand there and not hit back Metaphorically or not say something back hurtful.

That's the hardest thing to do and yet It's the best thing to do So I know this may be a challenging podcast for some of you and I apologize I didn't mean in any way to make it offensive It's just that I have found This to be a very effective technique for almost every situation that we're in When someone is unkind towards us And we're feeling completely overwhelmed by what was just said or done to us Just leave It's simple.

It's easy and it's effective Now one last thing if it's an important situation like not a stranger,

But maybe you're very close partner or child You can tell them I'm leaving but I'll be back and sometimes telling them I'll be back in an hour Or we can continue this conversation Later can help them calm down realizing that okay,

They are gonna continue talking with me And yes,

I'm upset But I can't yell at them and do the things that I'm doing Well,

I can but they're not letting me because they're leaving but they're coming back.

Whoo I don't have to be as afraid because often they continue to attack us because they're afraid we'll never talk about it We will but only with kind words.

So letting them know that we're gonna come back But we're leaving now can also be helpful So in conclusion It really can be overwhelming when someone is unkind towards us And often we're like the deer in the headlight.

We don't know what to do We're overwhelmed and part of us Wants to hurt them back May I strongly encourage us not to do that and instead Be strong and leave set boundaries So they can't keep hurting us and then realizing that by doing that Not only are we helping ourselves By not letting anyone continue to hurt us At the same time we may even help them by not allowing them to hurt others And by doing this overall,

I believe we'll find a lot more happiness and peace in our lives Thank you for joining me on the happy hour until next time accept what is love what is

Reviews

Very sweet and true!

Your wisdom is always so needed and welcome.
Thank you.

This is the best response to unkind behavior. It stops any escalation of their behavior. Thank you.

I have C-PTSD. When I get triggered, I excuse myself so I don't act out. This is the perfect complimentary response. There is just no point engaging with someone operating from the reptile brain. This obvious choice wasn't clear to me before. Thank you for opening my eyes.

This is one of my favorite talks from the podcast series! I especially appreciated the perspective that it takes courage to walk away or remain silent when you are unable to walk away. The tip at the end about how to communicate that you are leaving was a really great tip too. It keeps the communication lines open without engaging in the rage. Great advice!

So true about staying silent. It takes two to fight, and when you remove yourself it ends.

Thank you 🙏

Thought provoking! I feel doesn’t resolve the issue but at least there’s no escalation of unkindness at that time when emotions are running high. Thank you 😊

Great advice. Love your podcasts.