Welcome to the Happiness Podcast,
I'm Dr.
Robert Puff.
Have you ever seen the comic strip,
Calvin and Hobbes?
It's about a young boy and his playmate,
A tiger.
In the comic strip,
Hobbes is often the wise one trying to teach Calvin lessons about life.
Well,
There was one comic strip I read years ago that really stood out to me.
Calvin and Hobbes were riding down a hill on a wagon and it was a steep hill.
Well,
As they kept going faster and faster,
Hobbes noticed that not much further ahead there was a very steep cliff that if they didn't stop,
They were going to go over.
When he did try to point this out to Calvin,
Calvin was so absorbed in the thrill of speeding down the hill and the clear,
Positive,
Exuberating experience that he was having,
He just wanted to focus on the positive ride,
The exhilarating thrill of going down the hill faster and faster.
And as they get closer to the cliff,
Hobbes again points it out to him,
Hey,
We need to slow down.
We need to stop.
There's danger ahead.
But Calvin will have none of it.
He wants to be positive and enjoy the thrill of the ride.
Well,
Sadly,
The cliff is coming and though Calvin doesn't want to know anything about it and just wants to keep focusing on the thrill of the ride,
The ride does come to an end.
They go over the cliff and they end up at the bottom of the cliff in pain and mangled.
And then Calvin,
Not missing a stride,
Looks at Hobbes and says,
I don't want to hear about it.
I think we're experiencing a new anxiety out in our culture because people are chasing,
Like Calvin,
The positive vibes only,
Which often leads to burnout and guilt.
It's not that seeing the cup half full,
Having a positive attitude,
Working towards goals are all admirable and good traits,
But the problem comes is that when we just do that,
We can get in trouble.
We can all acknowledge that negative thinking is not very good for us,
But positive thinking,
Are there some deficits with this type of approach to life too?
Positive thinking is still thinking.
It keeps our mind's engine running and simply swapping one kind of thought negative for another positive.
But isn't it good,
Dr.
Puff,
Just to think positively?
There are definitely good aspects to thinking positively,
But the problem with it is it's still thinking.
I myself am a very positive person.
I will 99% of the time see the cup half full,
But this is still thinking.
What I'm proposing today is a radical shift.
The state of no thought or pure presence is fundamentally more restorative and powerful than any of the most meticulously cultured positive thoughts.
So first let's define the terms.
Positivity is a mental effort to frame or reframe situations.
For example,
I must think happy thoughts.
Presence or the unthinking self is a state of pure awareness,
Free of judgment and mental narrative,
Simply being in the now.
Let's now explore the trap of compulsory positivity.
When we force positive thoughts,
The underlying negative emotions don't disappear,
They're just suppressed,
And this takes energy.
I've worked with so many people over the years as a clinical psychologist who've had a death or a loss in their life,
And it's very tragic,
It's very sad,
But they don't want to think about it.
It's too painful.
They'd rather focus on the positive things of life,
And I often share with them,
Think of it this way.
If you have a bad cut on your arm that's infected and inflamed,
If you don't spend time washing it out and cleansing it,
It's not going to heal,
And if it doesn't heal,
It's going to get infected,
It will turn to gangrene,
And it may kill you.
Emotions don't work this quickly,
But when we suppress real events that were challenging for us,
Like we lost a job that we really liked because of downsizing,
And now we have to go out there and get another job,
I think it's important to spend a little bit of time feeling our feelings and letting them heal,
Like a cut.
And the truth of it is,
When we actually feel our feelings,
Express them,
Journal them,
And do it in a way that creates healing,
Not negativity,
What we'll find is we'll feel better.
It's like cleaning out that cut.
It does hurt when it's being cleansed,
But afterwards,
It feels so much better.
And then we can use our positive thoughts to think about how do we turn this situation,
Which was negative,
Into something beautiful.
But both these actions are thoughts.
Negative and positive thoughts are still thoughts.
Every thought,
Positive or negative,
Requires mental energy.
The goal isn't better thoughts,
It's less thinking.
In my practice,
People come to me because they're struggling with their thoughts.
They have a situation that's causing them stress,
Whether good or bad,
Usually bad if they're coming to me,
And they've been perseverating about it,
Steeping themselves in it,
Talking to people,
Just ruminating over and over again the same thoughts,
And they don't have the answers.
Or they go back and forth and back and forth between this answer and that answer,
And they're exhausted.
And my sessions are 45 minutes long,
And during that 45 minutes,
Most of the time,
We're able to come up with a coherent,
Logical,
And effective solution to their problems.
Think of it this way.
We have,
Say,
A pain in our tummy,
And it hurts,
And we talk to people,
And we try different things,
We try eating different ways,
We try stretching,
We try thinking about what is it,
What could it be,
We fret,
We stay up at night worrying,
And then we throw positive thoughts at it.
This is going to heal.
I'm sending positive energy to this pain in my tummy.
And then finally,
We go to the doctor,
And he or she says,
You have kidney stones,
And this is a treatment we're going to do to fix it.
Can you think of times in your life where you've thought,
You've fretted,
You worried,
Or you've worked super hard at working towards a goal,
Putting all this energy into it,
And in both cases,
It came to naught?
I love the following anecdote that really supports the beauty of silence.
In the world of mathematics and physics,
If you study it,
Think about what an advanced scientist or mathematician is trying to come up with.
He or she is trying to come up with a solution that no one's ever done before.
It can be exhausting,
It can be exhilarating,
And it can be hard.
And finally,
Out of pure exhaustion,
They go on vacation,
They take a break from it,
They go to bed and just say,
I'm going to sleep.
And then in that stillness,
In that quiet,
The answer arises.
This is so well documented.
You can easily look it up and verify that this is the truth,
That in stillness,
The most difficult questions that humans ever solve are resolved in the silence.
Not always,
But many,
Many times.
And I do really value positive thinking.
I mean,
I think it helps us get through very difficult times.
Is it good for us to dwell on the negative things?
It's just that our minds need a break.
And I'm also arguing today,
In that hiatus from thinking,
We may find that we find the solutions to the things that make our lives better.
So what are some of the benefits of unthinking?
We're all familiar with the flight or flight response,
Fueled by worry and thoughts,
With the contrast of rest and quiet,
Achieved through presence.
When we give ourselves time to pause,
To rest,
Often what we're needing in our lives comes to us.
I think if we're honest and we really look at our lives,
We will all have examples of this.
In the moments of no thought,
Our ego steps aside.
Problems are seen as external events,
Not internal flaws.
So we lose the negativity that there's something wrong with us,
That we need positive thoughts to fight against.
What we need is stillness,
Egolessness,
Presence.
The insights that we're looking for rarely come from frantic thinking.
It so often arises in the quiet space after thinking stops.
I would say that 90%,
If not more,
Of my best ideas for my life,
To make my life run well,
Have come when I'm on vacation,
When I'm on retreat,
When I'm meditating,
And when I'm still.
I keep a list of when these new ideas come that are so helpful and I'll often jot down when they occurred.
I was on vacation here when this idea came up.
I was on retreat here when I finally got the solution to this issue.
Sometimes,
Often,
I didn't even know I had an issue until I got still and got away from the hecticness of life and the answers that I didn't even know I needed solutions to arose.
When we're in presence,
We're in acceptance mode.
The unthinking self simply accepts the current moment without needing to label it good,
Bad,
Or positive.
We experience authenticity because the true self emerges when it's not performing or trying to manage an image via positive thinking.
So what are practical steps that we can cultivate to develop our unthinking self?
The first thing we can do is what I call sensory anchoring or grounding.
It basically means focusing on the body,
Using the breath,
Feeling the feet on the floor,
Or the sound in the room as anchors.
These are immediate,
Non-thought-based experiences.
And then we can focus on our senses.
We can observe what we're seeing,
What we're hearing,
What we're smelling,
What we're tasting,
And what we're touching.
This is about non-judgmental awareness,
Observing,
Not engaging.
When we have a thought,
Whether positive or negative,
Visualize it as a cloud passing by.
Don't chase it and don't try to change it.
And then it's about making space for stillness.
I think meditation,
Mindfulness,
Are beautiful techniques to help us be in the present moment.
Going somewhere in nature and just listening to the wind blow.
Hear the sounds of nature,
Even feeling your own breath.
These ground us to the present moment.
And then when we face the big crises of life,
Give ourselves more time,
Perhaps go on retreat,
Rent a cabin in the woods,
Go somewhere,
Be somewhere where there's lots of time just to be still.
And I believe that when we do these,
We'll find the answers we're looking for,
But not through thoughts,
But through stillness.
Positivity is a tool of the mind.
Presence is a state of being.
The goal is rest,
Not repair.
The shift may seem subtle,
Yet profound.
Stop doing positivity and start being present.
I want to conclude with one last idea,
One last practice that we can implement that I think will really help us navigate life.
Again,
Goals are wonderful.
Being positive can be so helpful.
But what if our goal,
What if our focus is to be here now,
To be present?
Not that we achieve things,
Not that we even solve things,
But just to be.
What a beautiful goal to have.
Because then,
No matter what life is throwing at us,
We'll realize and experience in that stillness a beauty that really does surpass all understanding.
And that creates a life for us that is so beautiful.
Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.
Until next time,
Accept what is,
Love what is.
