The Unhappiness Of Self-Criticism

In this episode, we will explore the negative effects of self-criticism on our state of happiness and how to make healthy changes. Remember that it is very different to want to continuously improve, and to continuously harshly criticise one's self.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I don't know if you remember,

But in 1982 a movie came out called Sophie's Choice.

It was played by Meryl Streep,

And she won Best Actress for it with the Academy Awards.

It's a very tragic story about a woman,

Who during World War II had been a Nazi prisoner,

And her children were separated from her,

And she had to make a choice between which child would live and which would die.

And slowly the movie unfolds,

Just showing the impact that choice had on her,

And how much guilt she felt over it,

And how it truly,

In many ways,

Destroyed her life.

And in today's podcast,

I want to talk about the truly awful effects of self-criticism,

And how they can destroy our lives so easily,

And often do,

If we're not careful.

Because as we go through life,

We are going to make mistakes.

We're going to do things that we wish we really hadn't done.

And when we make those mistakes,

When we do those hurts towards others,

What's going to happen is we're going to have a choice too.

We're going to have a choice of criticizing ourselves,

Of fleeing ourselves emotionally for the rest of our lives,

Or learning from these mistakes and growing.

And what will happen is,

As we go through our lives,

And we reflect on what we did,

We're going to have two choices.

One of self-criticism,

And one of forgiveness,

And learning,

And moving on.

But if we choose the one of self-criticism,

Slowly,

With time,

It will begin to eat us up,

Eat us alive,

And destroy our lives.

So,

I have found over the past 30 years of helping people improve their lives,

The number one thing that keeps us from happiness is self-criticism.

Now,

I know sometimes we have very challenging things happen to us,

Where people hurt us and do heinous things towards us.

Those things are very important and we need to heal from them.

But in regards to having a good life,

A happy life,

We can heal from them quite easily,

Because we work through our feelings,

We get better,

And we heal.

But when we do things to others,

And we hurt them,

Our self-criticism can last forever throughout the rest of our lives,

If we let it.

And unfortunately,

A lot of people let it.

There's a real tendency in our world to be self-critical.

Our minds are chattering all day long,

And often they're chattering about us and criticizing us.

So,

Let's talk about why this happens,

How we can change it,

And how we can find happiness in our lives,

Even when we've really messed up.

Well,

First,

Words.

Words are so powerful.

They can build us up,

Or they can tear us down.

For example,

The local high school where I live has had several suicides,

Because kids have posted mean things to other kids on their social media accounts,

And this led to suicides.

But at the same time,

Even though these stories are so tragic,

Words can only be powerful if we let them in.

Because unless we're living the life of a hermit,

Sooner or later,

If we're in contact with other people,

Hurtful things probably are going to be said.

But what matters isn't what was said.

What matters is if we let it in.

For example,

Think of three people in history who we all know.

Abraham Lincoln,

Martin Luther King,

And Mahatma Gandhi.

All three of them were beautiful souls in so many ways,

Yet clearly they had people that hated them,

Despised them,

Called them horrific names,

And even killed them.

And yet,

We know that they were beautiful souls.

It is important,

Though,

That if we have people in our lives that are hurting us,

We set up boundaries or try to stop it as soon as we can.

I know we can't always.

We may have family members that we're living with that are hurtful.

We may be at a job that we have to go to where people hurt us.

But for the most part,

If we're able to,

The first thing we need to do is set up boundaries and not let those hurtful things even be said to us.

But once they're said,

What do we do?

Well,

What's important to remember as we are navigating our life through the process of self-criticism,

It isn't that important what people say to us.

It's important that if they're saying things hurtful that we set boundaries,

But their words really aren't that powerful.

But what is powerful is our own words towards ourselves.

That's what matters.

And they're powerful for two reasons.

Because whatever we say,

We're saying it to ourselves,

So we're listening.

And most likely,

We believe it.

That's why we're saying it.

So it has a lot of power behind it.

And often I like to think of it this way.

It's much like food.

We are what we eat.

If we eat poison,

We're going to get sick,

Of course.

It's the same way with our words.

If our words are telling us that we're a horrible,

Awful,

Terrible human being,

Then we are going to be that horrible,

Awful,

Terrible human being.

But part two,

I want to explain via my food analogy.

For example,

Eating an apple won't keep the doctor away.

But eating an apple a day will help and perhaps keep that doctor away more often.

It's like that with food.

If we eat something,

Say,

A bag of potato chips or french fries,

Once in a while,

It's not a big deal.

But if that's our main course,

We're not going to be very healthy.

And it's like that with our thoughts or self-criticism.

Saying something once,

It has some impact,

But not nearly as much impact if we repeat it over and over and over again,

Which is what we tend to do.

So here's a little example of that.

Let's say the holidays come and we eat a little bit too much and we put on some weight.

And at the end of the holidays,

We look in the mirror and say,

Hmm,

I'm fat.

What's wrong with me?

Hmm,

I don't like that.

But then it stops.

We just get back to eating healthy and going back to the gym.

And we get those few extra pounds off.

We're back to what we used to be.

Now someone who struggles with weight,

They don't do it that way.

When they put on the extra pounds,

They hear over and over again that they're disgusting and what's wrong with them and they have no self-control.

It's criticism throughout the day.

And that criticism actually reinforces their poor eating habits and their lack of exercise.

It's all about the power of our words and the repetition of those words.

You see,

With self-criticism,

It's typically not something we hear once and then it's gone.

Like with a stranger or a family member or a friend,

They may say one thing to us and never say it again.

Or they may say one thing to us once a week but not say it again.

What we do all day long throughout the day is hear the self-criticism and that keeps us stuck.

It doesn't help us get better.

So that repetition is super powerful and that's why we want to focus on 1.

How am I criticizing myself?

And 2.

Am I doing it throughout the day?

And if those two things are in place,

Then we're probably going to be struggling with exactly the thing we want to stop.

Think of it this way.

We really are what we eat.

We are what we think.

Or if you're more modern,

You may want to think about the computer analogy.

We are what we program or type in all day long.

Everything impacts us,

Our thoughts particularly.

So why do we criticize ourselves?

What is the main reason behind it?

When we mess up,

Because we do,

What would be the purpose behind criticizing ourselves?

It's actually fairly simple.

1.

We definitely think we deserve it.

And 2.

We actually think it will help.

If we criticize ourselves enough,

Then we'll stop doing the behavior.

But unfortunately,

The opposite is true.

Self-criticism keeps us stuck.

Now I know the response,

Because I've been helping people for a very long time now.

The response is going to be,

But I deserve it.

I was really bad.

I did some horrible things and I should despise myself for the rest of my life.

You can do that,

But 1.

You're not going to get better.

And 2.

You probably will continue to do the bad behavior that you don't want to do.

So if you truly want to change and get better,

It isn't that you're going to deny what you did.

Not at all.

You own it.

But you'll say,

Okay,

This is what I did.

What can I learn from this going forward,

So that I can do better?

And that's the key phrase.

What can I learn from this?

So if we decide that perhaps self-criticism isn't the path I want to go on anymore,

Then what do we do instead?

Well,

The first thing we need to do is acknowledge this is what I did,

And I don't want to do it again,

And I'm sorry for what I did.

So if we're able to make amends,

Of course we do that.

We apologize.

But far more important is we really have to look into,

Well,

Why did I do that?

And this too is what I do all day long when I help people get better.

We in no way deny what they did,

But we try to understand it.

What led up to those choices?

And there are always circumstances to let up to them.

Just actions that happened that caused them to do what they did.

Maybe their parents modeled it.

Maybe it was done to them before.

Maybe they met someone and they just learned to behave this way.

Maybe they're under the influence of a substance.

There's always circumstances,

Not excuses,

But circumstances that led up to it.

So once we begin to understand,

Oh,

I did this because of that,

Then we can start changing the this and that.

If,

For example,

When we do drugs or we drink,

We lash out at people,

Then maybe we need to say,

Oh,

I need to really stop doing drugs or alcohol because I know I'm mean when I'm with people.

Or maybe,

For example,

When we're in a hurry,

We get not as nice and then we lash out.

And we yell at our kids because they're not ready for school yet,

And we really feel guilty about it later.

Maybe we have an issue with cleanliness because our mom was super cleanly and it's important to us.

And our spouse just doesn't follow suit with cleanliness.

And we say,

Why am I lashing out?

Or maybe I'm in a really dysfunctional marriage and my spouse is cheating on me.

And I keep staying because I lash out at them when I find out what they did.

But I say such horrible things.

I feel horrible,

Even though they are doing a horrible thing to me.

So we're just creating a vicious cycle.

So once we understand our behavior and what caused it,

And we say,

What can I learn from this?

Then that's what we'll do.

We'll begin to learn new behavior for new techniques to how to deal with things when we don't like the way we've acted in the past.

I think we all get this,

That if we tell our children they're stupid,

That they're ugly,

They're gonna probably feel pretty stupid and pretty ugly.

But instead,

If we help them learn better,

We teach them good learning skills,

When they aren't dressed in the most appropriate way,

We say,

Hey,

Let's go buy you some new clothes.

It's probably time to get you some new stuff.

Things like that,

Where we work with people instead of attacking them,

It obviously goes better.

It's all about focusing on the behavior instead of the person.

Instead of saying,

I'm a mean,

Bad,

Angry dad or mom,

We would say,

I sometimes can lash out when I'm angry.

These are the steps I'm gonna take to start changing that.

And when I do these steps,

I really believe I'm gonna see change.

Because these are just habits I have in place.

And I'm gonna stop being self critical,

Because that just keeps me stuck.

Instead,

I'm gonna ask over and over again,

What can I learn from this?

How can I change in a positive,

Loving manner?

And now there's one last thing we can do to be very helpful in changing our self criticism.

And that's being critical of other people in our minds.

We have a tendency throughout the day to be critical of other people and their behavior.

But usually,

Instead of saying that behavior is bad,

We say they're bad.

They're a loser.

They're a jerk,

Or just fill in the blank.

We have so many labels that we give to other people when they misbehave.

How we change this is by first saying,

This isn't helpful.

This is not making me become a better person.

And secondly,

If we do need to focus on something,

Focus on the behavior.

Yes,

Of course,

There is bad behavior.

There is jerkish behavior.

But the person is still a person.

They just been conditioned to be that way.

If we could change their conditioning,

They would act very differently.

And that's what we're focusing on ourselves is changing our conditioning.

Instead of being self critical all day long.

Now we're going to focus on what we did,

How we got here,

And how we can change it.

And we're going to say anything we're going to say,

What can I learn from this going forward,

So I can stop doing this going forward.

And finally,

One last thing we can do that can be very helpful in regards to self criticism is stop in our minds being so critical of other people.

There's a beautiful Native American phrase I heard once,

Which says,

Unless you've walked in the moccasins of another person,

Don't judge them.

It is all about stop being so critical of other people.

If I'm correct,

That we do things because of our past conditioning.

And if we change this conditioning,

We're going to do different things.

Then it's the same for all of us.

So instead of saying that person is a jerk or a horrible person,

We can say their behavior is unkind.

Their behavior is not correct.

But they,

At their core,

Are beautiful souls.

And that's what we focus on.

And when we're less critical of others,

And understand that they got there because of their conditioning,

Then when we mess up,

We'll be gentler too,

Because we're always our harshest critic.

And it's important to soften that via softening our criticism of others.

So in conclusion,

We're probably going to continue to mess up and do things that we really are not happy about.

But when we do,

Instead of attacking ourselves,

Flaying ourselves emotionally,

Saying horrible things in our head about ourselves,

We're going to use this very simple phrase,

What can I learn from this?

And then learn.

Let's try to understand what got us here.

And once we have that understanding,

Make changes.

And keep doing that no matter how many times we mess up.

We just forgive ourselves,

Forgive ourselves.

Yeah,

Sometimes there's consequences,

We may end up in jail for what we do,

We may lose friends for what we do.

But going forward,

We're just going to keep getting better.

And as we get better,

Our lives are going to improve.

And we're going to find that happiness that has been so elusive in the past will begin to unfold in our lives.

We truly can all have beautiful lives.

But the self criticism is probably the number one thing that will keep us from finding that happiness.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thanks!

I needed to hear this tonight! Thank you for sharing your insight!

Thank you for your lovely talk.
Blessing with love

What can I learn from this?
Lovely talk.
Thank you 😊

Thank you for this practice Dr Puff. I struggle with self criticism end it does not bring me any happiness, rather just the opposite as you say.