The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Throughout our lives, we have stories running through our heads. Sometimes these stories can be uplifting and supportive. Othertimes these stories can be unkind and self-harming. In this talk, we will explores ways to cultivate beautiful stories.

(Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Have you ever noticed how two people can go through the exact same experience and yet have a very different story about that experience?

This past weekend I went up to Big Bear.

It's a mountain town near Los Angeles and it's beautiful.

I go up there pretty often because before my kids were born I had a home up there,

A log home that I used to live in.

And then over the years I've taken my kids up there many times so I have a lot of fond memories of Big Bear.

Well this past weekend was another one of those trips and there's a place up in Big Bear called Alpine Slide.

They have human made slides that go through the mountains and they're very safe.

You just have to control how fast you go.

As I was getting into my toboggan I started talking to one of the people that was working there because it took a little while for the toboggan to get in place and go up the hill.

Well as we were talking I discovered that she had moved up there about 20 years ago with her husband and they had gotten divorced and she chose to stay living up there and now she was working at Alpine Slide.

And she was telling me what a lucky person she was because she got to work with happy people all day long.

And she genuinely seemed very happy at her job and what she was doing.

And then off I went on my ride.

But I was thinking about her situation afterwards and I thought she had two ways to look at her situation.

The one way she could have looked at it which she didn't she could say okay I'm a middle-aged woman she was probably in her early 50s is my guess.

She was divorced and most likely she was probably making minimum wage at her job.

Well as I said one way you could look at it is wow my life is a disaster.

I got divorced I'm eking by.

It's very expensive up here.

I'm probably living not in the best place and this is kind of embarrassing.

I'm a 50 year old woman who is working at a kid job and making minimum wage and my life sucks.

But clearly that was not her story.

Her story that she was telling herself is wow I'm so lucky.

I get to live in this absolutely beautiful town called Big Bear up in the mountains which I love.

I get to work with these people all day long that are laughing or smiling because they're happy at what they're doing and I get to serve them.

I'm so blessed with my life.

That's the story that she was telling herself not the first story.

And logically we could probably argue each point pretty thoroughly but which one would you rather live with.

I would rather live with the second story the story of acceptance and gratitude for the life that she was living.

So the question to ask ourselves is which story or stories are we telling ourselves.

Are they stories that are going to build us up make us feel good put smiles on our faces and in our hearts.

Are there stories that are going to tear us down make us look in the mirror and hate that person and make us just miserable overall.

Which story are we going to tell.

Many people struggle with telling the negative story and this is based upon a variety of things.

One of them is jealousy comparing ourselves to others.

If we compare ourselves to others there's going to be some people above us and there's going to be some people below us.

There always will be.

So the question is when we compare ourselves is it helpful.

I mean again in the example of that woman if she compared herself to other women her age I'm sure she could feel very badly about herself but there are definitely people in life that she was doing much better at because she was happy and had a job that she really loved.

So we can always compare ourselves to someone more beautiful more intelligent has more been more successful but wouldn't it make more sense to tell stories about how we're doing well and the beautiful things in our life and what we're grateful for.

That's the path of finding peace and happiness in our hearts but it's really based upon the stories that we tell.

Let me give another example.

I know two young adults who were adopted by and raised by the same parents and I know these parents and they're very loving.

Well the boy never talks about never thinks about his birth parents.

He's really just not that interesting in it.

The girl on the other hand has gone through some serious psychological struggles because she feels that her birth parents didn't want her and gave her up for adoption.

So she feels or creates a lot of stories about being rejected by these people that she doesn't know and the boy is so happy with his parents that he's just so thankful that he has them and these parents are good parents.

So the question is what story are they telling?

One story leads to joy and happiness and thankfulness for what he has.

The other is focusing in on what did happen.

Her parents did give her up.

They did not want her at some level but that story caused her to suffer.

And here's one of the tricky parts about telling stories.

Sometimes we have no idea why people do things to us to cause us to suffer.

We may be involved in an accident where the person that actually caused it just drove away.

We're not aware if they knew what happened but they could have.

So in those situations we create a story,

A story of they were just oblivious.

They didn't know they were a root driver or they were maliciously out there to get us or why is this happening to me?

My life is so unfair.

Those are the stories that we just don't know the answer to.

But sometimes we do.

Sometimes we're raised by parents that were just jerks and we know they were jerks because they did some horrific things to us during our lives.

Well,

That's where it gets tricky because we can for the rest of our lives tell stories about what our parents did or didn't do to us.

Or we can say,

Are these stories leading to my happiness or my unhappiness because I keep repeating them over and over again.

When we tell stories,

Even if they're based on facts,

Is it helpful?

The fact may be that when we were in our twenties,

We were at a party and we thought we were okay to drive but we weren't and we got pulled over and now we have a DUI on our record.

Well,

We can tell a lot of stories about that.

I'm such a loser.

I'm such a drunk.

What's wrong with me?

I deserve to have a miserable life.

I could have killed someone.

Those are all true.

Or we can say,

What can I learn from this?

How do I go forward?

And perhaps it isn't good for me to think about this over and over again and keep critiquing myself through this story because stories have power to them.

And if we keep repeating stories,

Which I think in a lot of ways we do because of the concept of penance,

We think we deserve it.

If we beat ourselves up enough,

Then we'll be better.

And I think this is where a lot of people get caught because what they're doing is they're repeating the story one because they just keep getting stuck there.

But the other thing is I think they're hoping that if they repeat it enough,

They'll never do it again.

Or truly what happens is when we repeat things in our minds,

We're kind of replaying them and preparing ourselves to doing them again.

That's the power of stories.

We can recreate things even if they don't happen.

But at least in our mind,

We're recreating that event over and over again.

And it can really keep us stuck.

For example,

I recently read about a study where they were looking at war veterans coming back home because the United States has been at war for so long and they studied them.

And what they found was most of them were very stuck.

They were having a very difficult time being back.

And when they interviewed them,

They found out that they were just thinking about the events that happened overseas over and over and over again.

And they were just stuck because they kept repeating the stories.

Where a few of the veterans came back and they really seemed fine.

They felt fine.

They weren't struggling.

And so they interviewed them and they found out that they weren't repeating the stories of the war in their head at all.

They had moved on and now they're focused on their current life.

They let those stories go.

And I believe the truth of life is that we all want to be happy.

Well,

What's important here is yes,

We can hang on to the stories of our life.

We can.

But are they helping us?

Are they helping us move forward by hanging on towards my resentment towards a family member,

Towards an ex,

Towards someone that hurt me?

Is it necessarily helping me?

Or is that story here that I'm repeating over and over again,

Keeping me stuck or causing me to suffer?

Because it can do that.

That's the power of our stories.

But when we just shift it and see it slightly differently,

We realize we don't have to hang on to things as much.

Mostly it's the stories that we create that cause the suffering to stay,

Not the event in themselves.

For example,

The worst accident I've ever been in that caused me the most suffering happened a few years ago.

I was go-karting with my son and they went pretty fast and the cart in front of me flipped around and him and I hit each other going full force about 50 miles per hour.

I went from 50 miles per hour to a dead stop instantaneously.

I didn't break anything or cause any internal injuries,

But it took about six months for me to heal from that because my body was so sore.

Thankfully,

I do a lot of yoga,

So it kept my body pretty safe,

But it was a long recovery.

Well,

During that time,

I didn't really have any story to create.

I was just in pain and my body was healing and it was just taking time.

There was no story.

It was just an accident that happened.

No one tried to hurt me.

I didn't try to hurt anyone else.

It just happened.

I suppose I could have said,

Well,

I didn't need to go go-karting,

But you could say that about anything when an accident happens that I should never drive,

I should never walk,

I should never fly in a plane.

The point being is stories that saying I shouldn't do that when it's things that we do are kind of silly.

So back to my point,

There was no story to create.

It was just pain and I healed from it.

Okay.

Now let's say someone else is in a situation where their partner hits them or costs them pretty hard.

Or let's say when they were growing up,

They got injured by one of their parents in a Duncan stupor and it hurt.

It hurt their body a lot.

Or let's say we're out for a stroll and we get mugged and we get hit and we have to go to the hospital for a little bit.

We're okay.

And we feel fine in a couple of days.

But in all these situations,

We can create a lot of stories that we repeat in our head over and over and over again.

And I'm using these examples to show my car wreck,

My go-kart wreck was obviously more physically painful than the ones that I'm describing now because typically our bodies heal pretty quickly.

When I get an injury,

It usually heals within a week,

But that go-kart injury took six months.

So we can tell lots of stories if we want to about physical injuries.

And if we do that,

Yes,

They may be true too.

I mean,

Person physically hurt us.

They did things to cause us suffering and it's wrong that they did that and we need to do things to protect ourselves.

But the physical pain will be gone way before the mental suffering is gone.

And that's in our control.

There doesn't have to be any mental suffering if we really work at it.

It's hard,

I know,

But we bring on the amount of mental suffering that we really do bring to the situation.

If we learn that the stories we tell can cause us to suffer,

Then we'll begin to look at more thoroughly,

Well,

What stories am I telling about these past events or these current events?

And whatever story we tell is going to have an impact on our hearts and on our level or no level of happiness.

We tell stories throughout the day.

And if we pay attention to these stories,

I really believe we'll find that our lives will go better because then we can start telling stories that build us up or even with time,

Stop telling so many stories and more just living in the present moment and enjoying what's before us.

This path can lead to so much joy if we really begin to see the power of our stories.

Again,

Let me use an example.

A lot of people throughout their lives lose their job and it can be horrible.

It can be awful.

It can cause a great deal of suffering,

Self-esteem issues.

And yet I know other people personally,

Guess what they did?

They sold a little bit of belongings that they had.

They got a van and they've been living in their van for years now.

It's called van life.

It's becoming very popular here in the US.

I'm not sure if it is in other countries.

I'd love to hear.

But what it is,

If you're a person basically travels around the United States and Canada and lives in their van or RV or whatever it may be,

It can be small and they make do and they can have beautiful lives.

If you look it up,

It's a fun life.

But other people may say,

You don't have anything,

You're poor.

And they're thinking,

I have everything.

I have time to enjoy life.

It's all the stories that we create.

Any example you give me,

I can give a story that's dark about that example.

I can give a story that's beautiful about that example.

Now I know we need to heal from things.

Of course,

I'm not denying that at all.

But healing,

Like physical healing,

Doesn't take forever.

If we're still angry or upset over something that happened years ago,

Then we either need to finish healing it and move on or realize we may just be telling a story that needs to be put to rest.

Because we want to be happy.

And the best way to do that is to create happiness in our lives and to look for the beautiful things in our lives,

Like the people that we get to work with that smile and we smile back at them.

Or the beautiful nature that we get to be in because we're traveling in our van.

Or the beautiful relationship that we're in and so thankful for.

Even though we had a tough childhood,

Now we've created a beautiful life for ourselves with our new love.

I can go on and on.

We can create beautiful lives if we watch the stories that we're creating and work towards finding stories about our lives that are beautiful and repeat them over and over again.

And then one last thing.

Yes,

We focus on creating beautiful stories,

But we also focus on just living without any story.

Just loving what's before us,

Finding the beautiful things to focus on and just be with them.

That is the hardest path of this journey of happiness,

But it is the ultimate path.

First,

We observe the stories we're creating and even if the stories are true,

Are they helpful?

Is it perhaps time to get help,

Get over these stories and then let them go and then begin to focus on the beautiful things in our life and really keep creating more and more beautiful things in our life.

Because I want each and every one of us to have a beautiful life.

I believe we can.

It takes work.

It takes effort,

But if we put forth that work and effort,

What we'll find is we can have a happy life one breath at a time.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast until next time.

Except what is love.

What is.

Reviews

So good. Thank you 🙏🏼

So true, doc! Thank you so much, blessed be! 🙏🏻💚

Great message! I have many stories that take over my thinking! Sabotage my days…this brought awaremness to the negative impact of those memories!

I love your teachings..thank you. I lived in my story for years..this beautiful day is what we have been gifted

Thank you for these wise words and rich perspective on life. Namaste

Excellent. Thank you

Super powerful and smart. Just what I needed ❤️

Thank you this was just what I needed today 🙏🌷✨

Love it

As always 5 stars for the best storyteller of all. thank you doctor.

Excellent talk by this man I need to listen to more of him

Wow thank you so much for this. I’m ready to stop creating negative stories and fixating on them. ❤️❤️

Incredible life -changing

Thank you 🙏 godsend

Thank you very much 🙏