The Ripple Effect: Understanding Why Hurt People Hurt People

Have you ever wondered why someone you know, who's clearly struggling, ends up hurting those around them? It's a painful paradox: the very people carrying deep wounds sometimes inflict them on others. Today, we're going to explore this complex dynamic, understanding that while understanding is never an excuse, it's the first step toward breaking cycles of harm.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Have you ever wondered why someone lashes out,

Hurts you,

When you know they're struggling?

This experience of hurting others when there's hurt inside someone is not unique to humans.

Over the years,

I've seen several videos where a beautiful soul finds an animal who's in pain and suffering living on the street in horrible conditions,

And they want to rescue and help that animal,

That puppy,

That is in so much pain.

And yet if you watch these videos often,

Almost categorically at the beginning,

That puppy may lash out,

Bite,

And try to hurt the person that's trying to help it.

And yet if the caretaker is patient and doesn't give up,

Often that young puppy ends up being very loving and so grateful for all the love it's being shown,

Even though at first it was afraid and angry.

So in today's podcast,

I want to explore the psychological and emotional reasons why people who have been hurt often inflict pain on others,

And to offer pathways to understanding and healing.

But as a disclaimer,

I do want to point out that understanding is not excusing.

When people hurt us,

They do need to be held accountable for what they do.

But at the same time,

It's good of us to have understanding into how they got that way and how ultimately,

If we ever get caught in a situation where we're hurting others,

We can understand and break the cycle of harm.

First,

What do I mean by hurt?

We can hurt someone physically,

Of course,

But it also includes emotional,

Psychological,

And even spiritual wounds.

When we see that puppy who's been abused,

Who's been treated so poorly,

Lash out at us,

We understand why.

But not all wounds are visible.

Sometimes they are invisible to others and even to the person experiencing them.

And I think this is where it can get confusing.

The person who's hurting us seems like their lives are going so well,

So why would they do that?

But sadly,

So often,

When someone is hurting,

Even when it's not visible,

That pain can be passed on to others.

I remember the first time I really saw this in the raw.

I was asked to host a meeting with kids over the phone who had all been sexually abused by their parents and were living in a foster home.

Not all of them participated in what I saw.

Some of them were very gentle,

Beautiful souls,

But others were really vicious towards each other,

Saying things in jest,

But at the same time with so much vitriol that it just made my heart sad for them.

It's very difficult,

In some ways impossible,

To go through life where others never hurt us.

Where we go through times where life is just hard because the world is treating us poorly.

But it's at these times that we have a choice to make.

For some,

When they're in pain,

It just seems natural to lash out at others.

Getting back to my puppy analogy,

Who's living on the streets,

Perhaps in horrible pain,

Why when someone is showing them kindness and gentleness and trying to help them,

Lash out at the person trying to help them?

In many ways it doesn't make sense,

But in other ways it makes complete sense.

In other words,

Why do we hurt others when we're hurting?

Sometimes we project our own feelings onto others,

Where we feel deep shame and project that shame onto others,

Criticizing them harshly for perceived flaws that mirror our own insecurities.

Sometimes it's based upon displacement,

Where we redirect our negative emotions like anger and frustration from the actual source of our hurt to a safer,

Often less threatening target.

Think of the man or woman who has difficulty at work because they have a boss that's critical of them and perhaps even abusive.

And instead of setting boundaries or confronting their boss,

They come home and yell at their children.

That's a form of displacement.

And sometimes some people have never been taught how to control their emotions and regulate them.

Lashing out with anger,

Aggression,

Emotional manipulation are skills,

Sadly,

That they were taught as a child,

Watching their own parents and their pain and how they interacted with each other.

And sometimes we hurt others because we're hurting as a defense mechanism.

We just don't want any further pain,

Often at the expense of others.

Haven't we all known someone who is hurting,

But to prevent further hurt,

They manifest it as coldness or aggression?

An example of this with a positive outcome is a book by Frederick Backman called A Man Called Uba.

It was also made into a movie that I have mentioned in an earlier podcast,

But the book,

If you get a chance,

Is beautifully written.

It's set in Sweden,

And Uba,

Who first lost his mother at a young age,

Then his father,

Who he adored,

Died when he was a youth.

He just kept facing life with challenges,

Horrible challenges,

And his way of dealing with that was to be bitter,

Was to be angry,

And was wanting to die.

And yet people didn't give up on him.

They just kept trying,

Though they'd call him on his behavior,

They wouldn't let him get away with what he was doing,

But they just kept loving him.

And in the end,

These people,

And even a cat,

Became his dearest friends.

And though he didn't completely change,

He really took that pain he had inside and turned it into something beautiful by helping others.

Rarely,

If ever,

When someone is truly being hurtful towards you,

Are they doing it just to be hurtful.

Hurt sadly is passed on from previous hurts.

That's why people hurt us,

Because they've been hurt.

It does not excuse your behavior,

But it can be helpful understanding,

Oh,

The reason my boss is being so vicious towards me is because they have pain inside of them.

And I think if we really understand this at a deeper level,

At the deepest level,

We will be not as upset when people hurt us.

It doesn't excuse what they're doing to us.

We will still,

When necessary,

Set boundaries to protect ourselves,

But at the same time,

Our own reaction may be softened to a response,

Because now we understand they're hurting us because they're hurting.

There's a tendency in us,

When someone is hurting us,

Instead of just setting boundaries,

To lash back at them,

To try to hurt them in like manner.

But let's go back to my puppy analogy at the beginning of this podcast.

When the puppy is trying to bite us because it's afraid,

It's upset,

It's in so much pain,

Would we grab its paw and bite it back?

Of course not.

We would put on gloves.

We would move cautiously.

We would take our time,

If possible,

To help this puppy heal from its wounds.

Humans,

Sadly,

Are far more complicated,

But here's where the analogy relates to the puppy.

When someone is hurting us,

We will put on our gloves to protect ourselves,

To protect our hearts from the ongoing hurt.

We may hang up the phone.

We may tell them that we love them,

But we have to go and that we will not tolerate this type of behavior from them.

But at the same time,

Instead of being so upset and angry or just hurt by what they did,

We'll understand that that hurt that they threw at us came from their pain,

And we don't necessarily need to hang on to it.

Now,

Often when a person does lash out at us from their hurt,

We did do something wrong.

It may have been a misunderstanding,

But the person still felt hurt,

And we can apologize for what we did,

But when they start going over and over again after we have apologized,

Then we need to set up boundaries.

Because one of the beautiful things about boundaries is often when someone hurts us and it's very inappropriate in the way that they are hurting us,

When the conversation is over,

They feel a lot of shame over what they did.

So if we stopped them hurting us by setting boundaries,

They have less to forgive themselves for in the future.

So setting boundaries,

Like metaphorically wearing gloves when the puppy's trying to hurt us,

Not only protects us,

In many ways it protects the person who's trying to hurt us.

Now,

We've talked a lot about how do we respond to people that are hurting us when they're in pain,

But what about us?

What do we do if we're in pain and we have a tendency to hurt others?

The first and foremost thing we have to do is acknowledge that right now we're in pain,

We're having a difficult day.

So that means we need to be careful,

Especially careful with how we react to others.

Through the self-awareness that yes,

This is a difficult time of my life right now.

And if I'm upset over someone who's doing something to me and decide to get on the phone or text them because I'm already having a really tough day,

That may be the time to delay that call.

And wait until our hearts are in a better position.

And the one skill I teach over and over again at my office with my work as a clinical psychologist is that when we're having or going through a period that is tough,

That is not the time to soften that pain through drinking or substances.

Because initially it may give a slight reprieve,

But it also loosens our emotions and our tongues.

And we can do or say things that can have irreparable damage to relationships with people that we love.

When we're going through a rough time,

Having a few drinks of alcohol is like pouring gasoline onto a fire.

It doesn't make it better.

It makes it worse.

And the saddest thing about this is that when we do release all the pent up pain and emotions that we have inside towards someone we love when we've been drinking,

It may give us a moment of reprieve.

But in the long run,

It causes so much damage.

When we are exposed to pain,

Either through someone hurting us or having a difficult day and hurting others,

The key of a successful good life is to stop the ripple effects of this pain,

Acknowledging that that person is hurting us because they're in pain or acknowledging that we're hurting others because we're in pain.

By understanding that hurt can lead to more hurt,

We can stop the cycle of pain by setting boundaries or by taking care of ourselves and healing the wounds inside of us before we hurt others.

Hurt does not necessarily have to be passed on to others.

If we take the time to heal it,

To take care of ourselves and protect our hearts,

We'll find that when we do face times of difficulty or if someone is hurting us,

With our understanding of how hurt works,

We can better set boundaries and let that pain go.

And then hopefully,

Through our gentleness and through our kindness,

Find that when we are exposed to hurt or whether we feel like passing our hurt on to others,

Instead we say,

No,

I'm going to instead work on healing this hurt and protecting my heart.

To make sure that my life is a beautiful life,

No matter what.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Spot on reasons why hurt people hurt people. Even with the knowledge of why someone is hurting you and lashing out doesn’t always make it possible to set boundaries- especially if the other person was never shown or taught to respect boundaries. I’m going through this with my 15 year old grandson who my son basically raised like a wild animal because he was drunk most of my grandson’s life. I’ve tried over the years to be safe haven for him but he’s so full of hatred and anger at his father coupled with the guilt he feels for being angry and hating him that I’m now being beaten verbally and emotionally by him daily because he was placed in my home (without my consent) and I’m his target. Well I finally snapped and called the sheriff plus told them and my son he needs other living arrangements. I’ve been healing my PTSD from his grandfather trying to kill me when my son was little- and he and my son just keep triggering it. So they have to go. It doesn’t always end with the puppy being loving and happy. This Vet tech is battered bruised and done. 🐾🐾💔💔💔💔💔🐾🐾

Thank you for your words. They were very helpful to me in this time of my life.

Thanks Dr. Puff!
Love and blessings to you