The Healthy Way to Deal with Tragedy

In this podcast we explores how we can live beautiful lives even with the inevitability of change and impermanence. (Please note, this is a lecture, not a meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I've been creating the Happiness Podcast for almost seven years now.

And over those seven years,

I've got some wonderful letters,

Emails,

Texts from you,

The listener.

But over the course of this time,

The one thing I've noticed is,

As listeners,

Sometimes we go through really hard times,

Tough times.

And the question I get so many times is,

Dr.

Puff,

What can I do?

I'm going through this really challenging time right now,

And I just don't know how to get through it.

So that's what we're going to focus on today.

Because I think in the world,

We get very different answers to what to do when we have very challenging things going on in our lives.

The story that I'll never forget,

Because it was a friend of mine,

It was her son.

He had definitely struggled in life and been quite a challenge for her to raise.

Well,

One time,

As he was going through a very hard breakup with someone that he was planning on living his life with,

Instead of seeking help,

Reaching out to others,

Or doing a variety of things that could have healed his heart,

He decided that what he was going to do to help his heart heal was to go on a drinking binge,

Which he went on for three days.

And of course,

This did not heal his heart.

But we all know stories like this.

We may have been even told to do this when something is really hard going on in our lives.

Go ahead and drink it away.

It will make things better.

We may look at that and say,

Of course,

That's silly.

We wouldn't do that.

But aren't we surprised by how many people,

When they go through very challenging times,

What they do is they numb themselves.

Perhaps they turn towards food.

Perhaps they go to the local doctor and get a prescription drug to reduce the stress.

Perhaps they turn towards illicit drugs,

Things that really can challenge and reduce their quality of life.

For my friend,

That's what happened to her son.

The drinking didn't work.

So then he went to harder drugs and he ended up having to go through a rehab program to get better.

He's better now,

But it's taken a long time.

And it's been a long journey to get out of that hole.

And I wanted to share this first because I think we still wonder,

Is that the path?

Is that the path to heal when our hearts are hurt?

To numb it,

To run away from it,

To ignore it,

To stuff it?

Because we're told that.

I think we've all seen that in the movies.

We've heard that.

So it's something we have to grapple with.

We have to say,

Hmm,

Do I want to go down that path or do I want to let my heart heal instead?

Because sometimes when we get these really challenging things in our lives,

We don't want to feel them anymore.

Instead,

We want to push them away and just get on with our lives.

But as I said today,

We're going to take a different look at it.

What can we do if right now we're going through one of the most difficult times in our lives to get better?

The first thing we want to do is what I call take a nature binge.

It doesn't necessarily mean going to nature,

But it probably should mean something like that.

It's going to a place like a cabin in the woods or a park nearby or just somewhere where we can sit and be with our hearts and check in.

It's checking in to see how are we doing?

What's really going inside our hearts right now?

Why are we so upset?

It may seem simple.

It may seem,

Well,

I'm upset because this thing happened.

My father died or I lost my job or my wife is leaving me.

I know it may be simple at first,

But that's why we go to nature.

We go to nature to check in and say,

Okay,

What's really going on inside of here?

Because other people out there most likely have gone through what we've gone through and not all of them are going to feel the same way we do.

So what we want to start with is what's going on inside of us.

Just that,

Not judging it,

Not critiquing it,

But getting in nature and saying,

How am I doing?

Now,

Sometimes this will be through journaling that we'll do self discovery.

It may be talking through a friend or someone that we deeply care about,

Or it may mean just sitting,

Being still and seeing what comes up.

But the key is to slow down.

I'm calling it a nature binge because we get so busy,

But if we go into nature or we go to that place where we slow down,

Then like I said,

We can get to know what's going on inside of us.

When we're busy,

We just can't.

And that's where the drinking binge is the opposite of a nature binge.

A drinking binge is absolutely not wanting to look at what's going on inside of us,

Suppressing it,

Pushing it away and hoping it will go away.

But think of it this way.

Imagine we had a really bad cut in our arms and it was infected and it was bad.

If we didn't go to the doctor and take the steps to heal it by washing it out and cleansing it,

And instead we shot Novacaine into it,

The pain would go away,

But it wouldn't get better.

And with time it would get a lot worse.

It's like that when we go through hard times.

We can't just ignore them.

We have to figure out what's going on inside.

Why are we so upset?

And then allow ourselves,

Allow our hearts to feel what they feel.

We don't want to suppress our feelings.

We do want to feel them.

And the two feelings that we have inside of us that are good at healing our hearts is one is sadness and one is anger.

So we may allow ourselves to be angry for a little bit or sad for a little bit.

And the great thing about being in nature or being by ourselves,

We can do that without fear of hurting anyone else.

But we want to include ourselves in this time of healing.

We don't want to attack ourselves through our words or through our actions.

We want to just feel our feelings and let them flow.

Again,

It's a lot like that cut.

We wash it out.

It hurts,

But the washing,

The cleansing gets it better so our bodies can start healing.

And it's the same way with these first two steps.

Once we figure out what's going on by being in nature and then allowing ourselves to feel what we're feeling,

Then we're on the path of healing.

And that's a really good path to be on.

But step three is the part that's going to probably be hardest for us.

I think for most of us,

The first two steps make sense.

We've heard about that.

You know,

Check in,

Make sure we know what we're feeling.

Don't suppress it by a drinking binge.

And then feeling our feelings makes sense to us too,

Of course.

But what's step three,

Dr.

Puff?

What are you talking about?

Well,

Step three is really far more of an advanced skill.

It took me many years to learn this one.

And though it can seem challenging,

Once we learn it,

Once we start implementing it,

What will happen is our hearts,

When we go through these very challenging times sometimes in our lives,

Our hearts will heal so much more quickly and we'll get back to our original state of happiness and being in the flow again and flowing well with life.

Well,

What is step three?

Well,

Step three is basically challenging what we're feeling or truthfully challenging what we're thinking.

You see,

What happens is when events happen that are just monumental,

That are huge,

And we say,

Wow,

Why is this happening?

This isn't fair.

This isn't right.

The deeper question we want to ask ourselves is not so much why is it happening,

But what am I attached to that is causing me to suffer?

Let me repeat that.

What am I attached to that is causing me to suffer?

You see,

Life has this rule.

And if you've been listening to this podcast for a while,

You're going to be familiar with it.

That rule is life changes.

It just doesn't stay the same.

It can be the same for decades and then wham,

In a heartbeat,

It changes.

And so the question to ask ourselves is what were we hanging on to that right now is causing us to suffer?

Because we're hanging on to something.

Let me use some examples to illustrate this.

Let's say we were married for many years and it went great.

It was wonderful.

And then one day we come home and everything changes.

Maybe our spouse died.

Maybe our spouse asked for a divorce.

Maybe our spouse is up and left.

We all know this happens to people so often.

Here in the US,

Marriages end by 50%.

So if you get married,

You have a 50-50 chance of that marriage ending.

That's amazing.

So why would we expect it to last to our dying breath?

We would want it to.

We would be hopeful.

But to say,

Now that it's ended,

I am going to suffer,

That is us causing ourselves to suffer.

We need to grieve.

We need to heal.

But we suffer from the sense of,

This isn't right.

This isn't supposed to be happening.

Life happens.

Life changes.

So like my friend that I talked about at the beginning,

What happened to her son is,

He loved this woman and though he wasn't even married to her,

When she left him,

He didn't like that pain.

So he drank.

He drank for three straight days not to feel it.

And that did not help and it got a lot worse.

He added to his own pain.

But the question we have to ask ourselves is,

How are we adding to our own pain?

Life changes.

Why did we expect it wouldn't?

Maybe right now we're facing a health scare.

We've been told we have a few months to live.

Maybe right now we lost our job and we've been at it for 30 years and they took away our pension.

Maybe right now both our parents and a sibling died all within a year.

I mean we all know these stories.

They happen.

They do.

They're part of life.

And we need to feel them.

We need to grieve them.

But we're going to suffer in the long run when we say,

That's wrong.

That shouldn't have happened.

Life happens.

And sometimes it's very predictable and sometimes it's not.

Sometimes we feel like we're in complete control and sometimes we feel like we're completely out of control.

But it's the controlling.

It has to be this way.

The attachment has to look this way for us to be happy.

That's why we suffer.

That's why we lose our own happiness.

That's why when we go through these challenging times,

Instead of going through them and getting out of them quickly,

We stay there.

Sometimes for the rest of our lives.

But we're listening to this happiness podcast to not do that.

And the great news is the solution is within us.

It's not changing the external circumstances.

It's changing what we're attached to and letting that go.

Saying,

Okay,

I realize now that I've slowed down.

I'm in nature.

I've looked,

I've felt.

I see what I'm attached to.

Am I ready to let that attachment go so that I can get back to living a beautiful life every day?

And the next time they come,

I'm going to do the same.

I'm going to realize what am I hanging on to?

That it's causing me to suffer.

Not what is happening that's making me suffer.

If you think the event automatically says you have to suffer,

You're right.

But if you say,

No,

I don't have to keep suffering.

I just need to let go of that which I was attached to.

Grieve the loss,

Of course.

But then say,

Life,

I'm ready for the next adventure.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what you're going to bring me,

But I'm ready.

And I'm going to live it to the best of my ability,

No matter what.

So if right now you've been given six months to live,

Live it astonishingly well.

Right now,

If you feel like you've lost everything because you've lost your job and you just don't have any other direction,

Then live that freedom well.

Right now,

If you've lost your soulmate and you feel alone in the world,

Then see what new adventures life is going to bring you,

New people that are going to come in your life that you now get to share the rest of your life with.

We are remarkably able to adapt to anything if we work at it,

If we adjust,

And if we flow with life.

We have to do these three things.

We have to slow down and perhaps get in nature.

We have to feel our feelings.

And then we have to ask ourselves,

Is there anything I'm hanging on to that is adding to my suffering here,

To my pain,

That I can let go of,

An attachment that I can let go of,

To be free,

To be free as a bird flying through the air.

We can have truly astonishing lives one breath at a time.

The future,

Who knows?

But right now,

Let's live well.

And if we put a whole lot of living wells together,

That creates a great life,

A beautiful life,

Which all of us can have.

So let's seek that.

Let's create that.

Let's live that life of unattachment,

Of freedom,

Of flow.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter.

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

I am listening. Thanks for the great insight.

Painful to hear as my daughter is dying. I listened to it twice. And need to listen again. Death is so universal, yet feels so singular when it is personal. Thank you.

Very well delivered. Thanks

Very much appreciated.

Grateful to you Dr. Puff! ✨🙏🏻✨🌲”Nature will show us the way home”🌲

Excellent talk. Great wisdom and advice. 🙏🏻😇

I enjoyed this, thank you 👌

Putting a bookmark on this. Thanks

Beautiful. This really made me think about the nature of letting go, to allow what is and what could be. Thank you 🍀

Very good. Thank you.

Thank you . .you haven't written on the victim thing yet which I would appreciate . Playing victim is not walking in the state of grace.

Superb advice! Absolutely loved it. Steps to let go & love life now were stated clearly how to move forward for me after losing a spouse (partner, family member, friend etc). This was powerful info. Blessings to you.

Excellent. Thank you🕉