The Happiness Audit: Your Past Holds The Key

Ever wonder why happiness feels just out of reach? It might be time for a little "emotional archaeology." On today's podcast, we're diving deep into the power of revisiting the past – maybe even dusting off those old photo albums – to uncover hidden wounds and finally pave the way to lasting joy.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast,

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

When I was about 14 years old,

I remember spending the afternoon with my oldest cousin.

He was quite a bit older than me,

But we were still fairly close.

The place where we met up was at the town where he grew up in.

He wasn't living there anymore and hadn't lived there for years,

But he wanted to go back and see his old home.

So when we got there,

He got out of the car,

Walked around the house,

And just looked at it,

And he had so much emotion inside of him.

You could tell some of it was good,

But a lot of it wasn't good.

Clearly there were painful memories there for him that came up that I don't think he was aware of because he kept saying,

I totally forgot about this.

It's so different than I remember.

And after we left,

He remained to be quite upset for the rest of the day.

At the time,

I didn't know much about psychology or human behavior,

But I did realize that some things had happened there that really disturbed him.

And by going back there,

These memories had resurfaced.

And in the long run,

I don't think he ever dealt with them.

I think after we left the house and shortly after that,

He forgot about it again.

But his life has been hard.

He's had a very challenging life.

And as he's gotten older,

Sadly,

I would say his life has had a lot of internal challenges.

And some of these challenges have manifest into his external life.

He has struggled throughout his life.

So today,

I want to explore together how our past affects our present and how we can make sure it's not causing us any harm.

Not all of us,

But many people have challenges when they're growing up.

They can be small,

They can be big,

But I think most of us have quite a few challenges throughout our lives.

That's not uncommon.

It's not necessarily even a bad thing because the challenges we face can make us stronger and even better and more resilient.

For example,

C.

S.

Lewis,

Who wrote The Chronicles of Narnia and many other books,

His mother,

Flora,

Died from cancer when he was nine years old.

And J.

R.

R.

Tolkien,

Who is a writer of Lord of the Rings,

His mother,

Mabel,

Died from acute diabetes when he was 12 years old.

And many people believe that their books came from their tragedy in the sense that they created a great imagination growing up to deal with the loss of their mothers.

And from that,

We got Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia.

But for many people,

Our past experiences,

Especially unresolved ones,

Can linger and impact our current well-being,

Even if we're not consciously aware of them.

For example,

Research has shown that people that get exposed to violence when they're a child in their family of origin sometimes have a proclivity towards anger and violence in their own lives and the family that they now are trying to raise.

So sometimes emotions attached to our past behaviors can manifest in present-day behaviors,

Relationships,

And overall happiness levels.

When people come to me and try to get their lives better,

One of the things that I do is look at their past,

Their upbringing,

The experiences they had before walking into the office and seeing me,

Because these past experiences can and often do affect the current things that they're struggling with right now.

This probably makes sense to a lot of people.

I mean,

From movies and books that are out there,

I think as a population,

We're pretty educated to know that our past,

Particularly if something traumatic happens,

Can have an impact on our current situation that's going on in our lives right now where we're struggling.

But here's the tricky part.

For some of us,

When we go through a trauma or something that was very negative,

We don't want to think about it.

We just want to move on and let it go.

I mean,

After all,

It's in the past.

Why do I want to keep dwelling on it?

That just seems a path of suffering.

I got through it.

I survived.

I'm going to move on right now.

The first time I really saw how impactful our past can be negatively on our current situation is when I was at Princeton.

I did an internship at Trenton Psychiatric Hospital.

Though I had a degree in psychology,

I didn't have much clinical experience,

And they just let me talk to the patients that were locked up in the inpatient ward.

Some of them had been locked up for years.

So I just explored and talked to people and got to know people.

One woman had been there for many years,

And she was there because of this red monster,

This red glowing monster that was always going to get her and kill her.

So I just sat down and talked to her because he was actually a very wonderful soul.

And I asked her,

Well,

What does it look like?

And she described it as this red glowing monster that was going to get her.

And we just kept talking and talking.

And what the two of us figured out was when she was a young girl,

She had a relative who smoked cigars.

And sometimes to torture her,

He would take the cigars and burn her with them.

And she completely forgotten that that had happened.

And that was the red glowing monster.

And after she was able to figure that out,

That red glowing monster wasn't as scary anymore.

And she began to heal.

Now,

When it comes to our past,

I'm not emphasizing getting stuck in the past,

But understanding it to gain clarity and then move forward.

What we're looking for is patterns.

By periodically revisiting our past,

We can help identify reoccurring patterns or negative thought cycles that stem from unresolved issues.

And then by gaining these new perspectives with time and experience,

We can gain new insights and understanding into our past events,

Leading to both self-compassion and forgiveness of others.

The analogy I like to use to help understand this better is let's say we're doing some activity and we get cut by a tool that's dirty.

And then that cut gets infected.

But instead of washing it out and cleansing it,

We just shoot Novocaine into it so we don't feel the pain.

And then we go on with our lives.

We all know if we don't cleanse it out and we just ignore it,

It's going to get infected.

With time,

It'll get very bad,

Perhaps even turn to gangrene.

And it could potentially kill us.

Emotions are similar.

Not that quick,

Of course.

And they can be numbed much more easily through a lot of different forms,

Through addictions,

Through alcohol,

Through being busy,

Through relationships,

Through shopping.

There's a lot of ways we can cover up emotional pain inside of us and not think about it.

But the truth is,

It's not good for us to do that because in the long run,

It makes our lives harder.

Now,

For many people listening right now,

This probably makes a lot of sense.

But what you may not be aware of and what this podcast is actually about today is how do we check to see that there isn't anything wrong inside?

And the technique I'm going to describe next can be really helpful in making sure our hearts are good and that we're doing well in life.

And it's fairly simple.

It's somewhat what my cousin did.

Remember how he went back to his house and had all these emotions inside that he wasn't aware of?

So that's one thing we can do.

We can go back to the places we grew up at,

The places that we have been to,

And revisit them and see if there's anything there,

Things that we may have forgotten.

But perhaps my favorite thing that we all,

I think,

Should do and spend time with a little bit,

At least on a regular basis,

That we can do to make sure that there isn't stuff in our past that we're ignoring.

And it's very simple.

It's just go through old photos.

And it's a great technique with people that I work with.

I love that one,

Particularly when they're older because a lot of times they don't remember and we just go through the photos.

I literally have them bring in the photos and together they go through it with me.

They describe the events in their lives,

How they felt about things,

How they feel about things now.

And it will amaze you when we do this how much we've either forgotten or things that we have emotion about are still there.

But by going through old photos,

It can be a great way to reflect on both the good and the bad of our past.

I think it's good to remember the good events of our past.

But I also think today it's good to remember the things that we don't want to think about.

And then people ask me,

Well,

Dr.

Buff,

How do you know when you're done,

When you really heal from the past?

And it's a lot like going to a scary movie.

The first time you go to a scary movie,

It can be very frightening and scary.

And then you see it again and it's still probably pretty scary.

But perhaps after the fifth or tenth time,

You're going to be bored and you'll have no emotions.

It's like that with our past.

We can think about our past and say,

Yeah,

That happened.

I don't have any feelings about it anymore.

And I can directly think about it.

I can look at Uncle Joe who used to tease me and was mean to me or Aunt Mary or whoever it was.

And I can look at their photos.

I can think about them.

And I don't feel sadness.

I don't feel anger.

I don't feel anything.

Then we know we're done.

Now,

If you decide to do this on your own,

I would suggest journaling about your feelings and your thoughts as they emerge when you're revisiting the past.

And if you can,

Try to seek help either from a counselor or just a dear friend to talk about what's going on and let them help you navigate the challenges and the traumatic memories.

And then also work towards the importance of forgiveness of oneself and others is an essential part of the healing process.

Just to share my own experience with you.

When I was working on my PhD in clinical psychology,

My graduate school didn't require me to get therapy,

But they suggested it.

If you want to be a good therapist,

You should have your own therapy.

And I found a therapist that I really liked and she was great.

I actually love therapy.

It was so fun to have someone just listen to you and help you explore your past.

And I found all kinds of things that I thought weren't bothering me anymore,

But they still were bothering me.

And that's really what I'm trying to talk about today.

We don't often know,

Like with my cousin and myself,

What's bothering us from the past,

What we still need to heal from.

Maybe sadness of someone we lost that we're still sad over or maybe hurt of something someone did to us or perhaps something we did to someone else hurt them.

We often don't know.

And that's why I think it's good.

I really like the photo thing because it allows you to look,

See what comes up or visiting places to look to see what comes up or talking to people about the past and look and see what comes up.

There's so often things we've forgotten or that we've suppressed or we just don't want to think about again.

And it's really not good to go through life having things you don't want to think about.

It's far better to say,

I didn't like that I went through that,

But I've healed it and I'm better now.

And I love my life.

I know this podcast is about happiness,

But if we're hurting inside,

It's harder to be happy because we have this stuff in us that's just saying,

Please help me help fix it.

And that's our job to make sure that when we have to go through tough times,

And sometimes we go through some really horrific times that we can't change the past,

But we can heal from the past.

We can protect our hearts and get them strong and well again,

So that we know that our healing doesn't mean forgetting about the past,

But it means integrating it into a higher and healthier narrative of the self.

When we understand our past,

It helps us,

It empowers us to make conscious choices and create a happier future for ourselves.

And one of the things I adamantly believe is that we all ultimately have the potential,

And I actually believe if we do the work,

Deserve to have a happy,

Good life.

And I know we all can do that.

I say it so often,

It does take work and it does take effort,

But it's really worth it.

And all we have to do is spend a little bit of time in the past,

Not forgetting it,

Not dwelling in the past,

But periodically taking a look and seeing if there isn't something in our past that needs a little bit of tender care and healing,

And then allowing our hearts to heal,

Allowing our hearts to get better so that they can soar for the rest of our lives.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you Dr. Puff! Love the idea of pictures and journaling.

Thank you 😊

Thank you a great discussion for a new year

This is exactly what I needed. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Dr. Puff!

This talk is very helpful Thanks for explaining the part about how to know when you're healed no one ever talks about that blessings to you Dr Puff.

Thank you 🙏