The 5 Keys To Romantic Love

In this episode, Dr. Robert Puff explores the key ingredients to maintaining happiness in romantic love. Dr. Puff gives us insight into his own personal experiences, showing us how love can morph and shift over time, and how to avoid suffering and the need for possession.

Transcript

Welcome to the happiness podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Have you ever had one of those moments where it's like,

Oh my goodness,

It just takes your breath away and you're just in an ecstatic state because it's so magnificent,

So beautiful.

I want to share a couple of those that I've had.

I've had many in my life,

But I remember a couple that really stand out.

When I was in university,

I had worked very hard at a summer job.

And then the next summer I used that money to go to Europe for three months.

Well,

While I was traveling in Europe,

I met a guy from Yugoslavia and the two of us started traveling together.

We decided to go on a trip to Morocco,

The Northern tip of Africa.

And when we got there,

We found a hotel and the owner of the hotel was just a really nice guy.

So that night,

The three of us set up most of the night,

Just talking.

We were drinking this most exquisite tea had mint leaves in it.

It was so good.

And we just talked.

We talked through the night.

And I remember that night thinking,

What an incredible moment.

Me traveling from the United States,

From the Midwest,

Iowa,

Sitting in a hotel cafe,

Just spending the evening,

Talking,

Exploring the wonders of the world and really connecting at the heart level.

It truly was one of the most exquisite moments of my life.

And then there was another time that I was backpacking up in the Sierras for two weeks in a beautiful mountain range in California.

The people I was backpacking with had all gone to bed and I was standing outside under the stars.

It was so crystal clear and it was just exquisite.

It was truly again,

One of those peak experiences,

Magic moments that was just so beautiful because I just felt at one with the universe and everything just seemed perfect.

And it was just exquisite,

Pure ecstasy.

And I'm sure as a listener,

You've had moments like that too.

They were truly just beautiful that you loved.

But when we have experiences like these,

We typically don't try to possess them.

We love that we have them,

But we don't say I have to have these in order to be happy.

We're just ever so grateful that we have them.

It almost be silly to try to say,

I need to possess this and hang on to this.

I'm going to be miserable because special events like these don't happen all the time.

And when they do,

We're just ever so thankful when they come.

But when it comes to romantic love,

Unfortunately,

We forget this lesson that life changes,

That we really can't hang on to anything in life.

And if we possess things that are beautiful,

Then often we will suffer.

And for many of us,

This is the root cause of suffering when it comes to relationships.

We love being in love.

We love the romance of love,

But we hang on so tightly that we suffer because it changes.

Doesn't have to change for the worst,

But it changes.

It evolves.

It rotates.

It morphs into different forms.

It's still love,

But it always isn't the way it was at the beginning or in the way it was in the past.

It's like me being in Morocco or me being up in the high Sierras.

I love those moments,

But I don't try to possess them.

I'm just glad I had them.

And romantic love can be like that.

It just changes.

We don't know how long we're going to be with the person that we love.

We don't know if they'll fall out of love with us.

We don't know if they'll die.

We don't know if they'll get sick.

We don't know if things and circumstances will change so that we just won't see them as much anymore.

There's so many factors involved with romantic love.

It doesn't negate the fact that we can have blissful,

Beautiful experiences with the people that we love,

But we suffer because we try to hang on to those blissful moments.

We try to possess the other person.

And if that person doesn't meet our mental expectations of what that possession means,

Then the suffering begins to creep in and it can be quite awful even to the point of wanting to die.

If we've lived long enough,

We know about the vicissitudes of romance.

It can truly change.

Probably most of us aren't with the person that we first fell in love with and deeply cared for.

We're probably with someone else or perhaps we're alone right now.

In many ways,

The root cause of suffering in relationships is that sense of possession,

That sense of wanting things to stay the same,

To try to say this needs to always be.

It sounds so romantic,

We'll be in love forever,

But love does change.

Love morphs.

Love just goes into different directions and it can be even better,

More beautiful.

We just don't know.

And sometimes love ends.

So today I want to talk about how to end the suffering with romantic love.

It can be so awful.

Like I said,

Some people truly do commit suicide because of romantic love.

How do we love well,

Love deeply another person and still maintain our sense of happiness and peace throughout the whole relationship?

There are many things that we can do in life to avoid suffering,

Particularly in regards to romantic relationships.

But in this podcast,

I want to talk about five things that we can do to keep our hearts in that peaceful,

Loving,

Happy place with a relationship or without a relationship just throughout our lives,

Regardless of what's happening.

First,

The good news is romantic love does not have to entail suffering.

It can,

Particularly if we don't follow the steps that make it so romantic love goes well.

But if we decide to implement the steps I'm talking about today,

I think we'll find that romantic love can go better or at least our lives can go better in spite of,

Or because of what's happening in our romantic life.

The first aspect of a healthy romantic love is non-possession.

When we try to possess someone that isn't ours to possess,

We're going to suffer.

So what happens is,

Is when they don't conform to what we believe they should be doing,

If they're not meeting our expectations,

Then we begin to suffer.

We get upset.

Perhaps they don't love us.

Perhaps they're a bad person.

All the stories that our minds can create when things don't go the way we expect,

It is far better to just love the person and love the experiences you have with that person instead of trying to possess that person.

Again,

Remember the two examples I began with,

My experience in Morocco and my experience in the high Sierras.

It would be silly of me to try to possess those experiences.

They were exquisite,

But to possess them would cause me to suffer because I don't expect to have them every day throughout my life.

It's the same way with romance.

We can have exquisite experiences with our partner and if we're with them,

We probably have,

But that doesn't mean we need to possess them or possess those experiences.

We enjoy them when they come and they realize because of the impermanence of life,

They will go.

They may come again.

We don't know.

They're impermanent.

Life changes.

And if we flow with that change,

We then do not suffer.

When we fight change,

When we try to possess things,

When we say this needs to stay the same no matter what,

That's the path to suffering.

A far healthier approach to love is to be ever so thankful for the beautiful experiences that we get with our loved one,

But realizing that they too may change and that's okay.

We're just so thankful for what we've had and when that changes,

We adjust.

But if we choose to hang on too tightly,

We are going to suffer.

And because we're here to learn how not to suffer,

Then we have to not hang on too tightly.

We can love deeply.

We can love fully with our complete heart,

But just realizing that life changes and that's okay.

We don't have to possess.

We can just be so grateful for the experiences that we have had.

The second thing that we can do to make romantic love go well is really important,

Though you'd be surprised at how few people do it.

When we're in a romantic relationship,

Our focus should be on this.

Am I doing my best to be an amazing partner to my love?

This is our focus.

What almost everyone does is they focus on what the other person is doing.

And what I'm suggesting here is focus on our behavior.

What are we doing?

How well are we doing?

Almost not even caring what they're doing.

I mean,

In the long run,

We will,

Of course,

But in the short run,

We just do our best to be the most amazing partner possible.

That's our focus.

For most people,

Particularly couples that I work with,

They're always coming in and complaining about what the other person is doing.

And even though they'll say,

Well,

They did that first,

So of course I did this,

The of course is where they get caught.

What we need to focus in on is our behavior.

What are we doing?

How are we behaving well?

How are we being loving?

How are we being romantic?

How are we being kind?

That's our focus,

Period.

Now,

I know the response is going to be,

But Dr.

Puff,

What about if they do this or that or that and this?

Of course.

But first and foremost,

We just pretty much focus on our behavior.

And then something wonderful will happen now because we're really being an amazing partner,

Regardless of what they're doing.

If we say we'll meet them at five,

We show up at five.

If they show up at 6.

30 and don't even tell us,

We're still there at five.

That's what we do.

If we on Valentine's Day,

We just come in very soon,

Bring them flowers and they forget it.

We don't care in a sense of we just focus on being loving,

Being kind,

And just really being the most amazing partner possible.

And like I said,

What will happen is they may potentially rise to that and become an amazing partner back.

And that's beautiful.

That's wonderful.

It's almost like we're drawing out the best in them.

Or that may not be the case.

We may discover that when we're doing our best,

They truly are not the best partner for us.

Then we can go to the next phase and say,

Okay,

I love you.

You're a beautiful soul,

But it's time for me to move on.

And this you've probably seen,

Or you may have even done it.

A lot of couples break up and they get back together.

They break up and they get back together and they do it over and over again until they're finally done.

Do you ever wonder why that happens?

It's pretty simple.

It's mostly because when we break up with the person,

What led to that breakup?

Yes,

They did things wrong,

But we did things wrong in response.

For example,

We caught them talking to their ex girlfriend or boyfriend on the phone or texting.

Instead of just talking to them about it,

We screamed at them.

We called them horrible names.

We were just vicious.

We felt justified in our behavior,

But that's what we did.

So when the dust settles,

We think,

Well,

Maybe if I hadn't said that,

They wouldn't have done what they did and we could have handled it better.

And so that's where the dance happens.

When we don't do well,

There's a tendency to just keep staying in a very unhealthy relationship for us.

When we do well,

When we do our part,

We truly are an amazing partner.

What will happen is the other person will either meet us there or we will move on.

And that's part three.

Sometimes it is important for us in romantic love to move on.

But I really mean it.

It's a lot easier to move on when we've been the best partner that we can be.

We may say,

But they were horrible.

Well,

If they were,

Then we move on.

And even in the breakup,

I think we need to be kind.

We may sometimes have to set really strict boundaries because they're not being kind back,

But we don't punch them because they're punching us.

We merely move on and we say,

It's time to let this go.

And there's two more points that I wanted to discuss and they're both about moving on.

What keeps us from moving on is not only the fact that we haven't done our best and so that we want to give it another try,

But now we're going to really work on being our best.

No matter what the other person is doing,

We're just going to focus on our behavior.

But what also keeps us in a dysfunctional romantic relationship is the fact that we're afraid of being alone and we're afraid that it's just going to be too hard.

In many ways,

It's much like a withdrawal,

A drug withdrawal or an alcohol withdrawal because we're so used to that person and we need that love so much that we reach a point of possession.

Again,

Remember point number one,

Possession is the path of suffering because we possess that person and we need that person when they're not there.

We get afraid,

We get fearful,

We get sad,

We get depressed,

We get suicidal.

So part of life and being in any relationship is being okay being alone.

Again,

Getting back to my two earlier examples,

It's like me being in Morocco or me being in the high Sierras.

It's okay I had those experiences,

But I didn't possess them.

I was okay when I left both of them and life was still beautiful.

They were beautiful experiences,

But I didn't need to possess them.

I just was very thankful that I had them.

So the key of life is that ultimately,

Even when we do meet our soulmate,

We are alone.

And if we live that way,

Loving really well,

But realizing we are alone.

And instead of possessing the person,

We realize that we are just having lovely,

Exquisite experiences and that it happens to be with this person.

And tomorrow it may be with someone else or tomorrow it may be not with anyone,

But when we're alone.

So being alone,

Being okay being alone is again,

One of those secret ingredients to being in a healthy relationship.

Because what happens is then when the person does do something that upsets us,

Because we're okay being alone,

We can respond to that behavior instead of react.

And then finally,

The fifth point is we have to have hope when we are alone or if we're in a relationship that we know is going to end.

We need to realize there's always hope,

Always.

We can always believe and trust that at some point,

If we put forth effort,

If we don't give up,

At some point we're going to have more times with new people that are beautiful.

And one of those new people may end up being a partner.

We don't know.

But the great thing is there's always hope.

The only reason there isn't hope is when we give up.

But as long as we're willing to keep trying,

Then because we don't possess love,

We will have moments of love.

And those moments may be with someone that we spend the next 50 years of our life with,

But there'll still be moments,

Beautiful moments,

But moments that we don't possess.

So if we do these five things,

One,

Don't possess the other person to do our best focus on our behavior.

Three,

Realize it may be time to move on.

Four,

Be okay being alone no matter what,

Even when we're with a person.

And five,

Always have hope,

Always.

What we can find is that love,

Instead of being a dramatic tragedy,

Can be a beautiful experience throughout our lives.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

I'm not afraid of being alone, however I am going to focus more on how I am as a person and reflect on it. Do my best to be my best regardless of the other person

This spoke to me this am as a new person has entered my life and things are uncertain. It’s exactly what I needed to hear as I sit here alone and ok with that. I am growing so much as an individual because of listening to all these wise words from people who are learning and choosing a path of not suffering. Thank you!

Simple and truthfull

Very positive. Corrected my path! Thank you 🙏

Thank you, Dr. Puff. Much needed today!

There is always hope, always. Love that. Thank you 😌💓🙏

Accept what is live what is

Simple and yet profound. Loved it. Thank you.🙏💕

Awesome! Thank you for sharing your adventures, enjoyed this! 🙂

At first I thought this was just OK. However about halfway through it, I began assessing my own experience, and realized some of my own shortcomings. By the end there was so much I learned I can’t help but give it 5 stars.

Very useful and lovely perspective, thank you!

Thank you so much, Robert, for this beautiful reminder. 💖

Very interesting and helpful!

Thank you so much for this lovely, insightful talk!

Thank you for another informative, helpful and hopeful talk!

Thank you Dr. Puff 🙏

Nice, thank you