Stop Chasing Happiness (Are We There Yet?)

Are we there yet? Chasing happiness can cause a plethora of unhappiness because we seek something permanent in an impermanent world. Seeking no adversity will cause suffering. Instead, wish for the fortitude to withstand any hardship, and happiness will be there.

(Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Have you ever had a really good day or perhaps even a few hours that just went amazing?

These can be such beautiful experiences that we hang on to them.

We cherish them throughout our lives.

Perhaps it's our wedding.

Perhaps it's a really good day on vacation.

Perhaps it's an achievement that we win.

Something that's just wonderful that we worked really hard at and now we're reveling in the success of that achievement.

And they truly are wonderful.

But the problem with them is they don't last.

They go away and then the challenges of life return and they return again and they seem to keep coming back.

We get cleared of some disease.

We recover from some injury and a few months or years later we're fighting off something else.

It's like at the end of the month we pay our bills.

We clean our homes and everything is in order.

And then a few hours or a few days later it starts becoming a mess again.

We get new bills.

We get new expenses and life just continues as a struggle.

We fall in love.

We meet our soulmate and at first it's so beautiful.

And then time happens.

We get in a fight.

He or she does something wrong.

We're hurt.

We have kids.

We have less time for each other.

We have to work in order to pay our bills.

And when our partner comes home at the end of the day,

He or she is tired and they just don't want to connect with us.

The same person that not long ago we were so in love with and everything was perfect.

Or sometimes as we journey through life we meet that wise guru type person that has so much to teach us and seems so wise.

And their lives seem just beautiful.

We want to be like them.

And then something happens and their lives crash and burn.

We thought they had it all figured out and then they didn't anymore.

What happened?

I have a very clear example of this when I was working on my doctorate in clinical psychology.

The school that I was attending had been founded by this very sage like person.

He was wise and presented himself in somewhat of a guru type fashion.

He didn't work at the school but he had a retreat center in the United States that people would go to for a weekend or for a week where they would be in solitude and he would visit them once a day and help them grow and do better in life.

Several of my colleagues had gone and had a really good experience and I too had heard him speak and I was very impressed by what he had to say.

Well while I was working on my PhD something happened and he got in very big trouble.

At this retreat center that he was having it came out that he was having sex with the people that were attending,

Some of them,

And it was really causing a lot of destruction in their lives.

And so my school disassociated from him and he lost his practice and I actually don't know what happened to him after that.

But it was upsetting because it seemed like he had arrived,

He had made it,

And then all of a sudden his life crashed and burned.

So in all these examples that I've given I do think it's a human tendency to say are we there yet?

Have we arrived?

Have I reached a point where I can live happily ever after?

And what I'm gonna say next may surprise you but the true answer is yes and no.

Because what we do as humans is that we wish for no adversity and then life will be great.

We have times where it really is going well.

Life is just humming along and we are happy campers and all seems well in the universe.

But then adversity comes and it knocks us off that pedestal and down we come and sometimes hard.

So if we're looking for happiness to be an eternal state that we get to experience for the rest of our lives,

Then no,

We will never arrive there.

That is not how the game works because there's just always going to be change.

Things may go well for a while but things are going to change and those changes,

If we fight them,

Will cause adversity.

But did you hear what I said?

I said if we fight them.

So there is a way to suffer much less in life and that's by not needing for adversity to come but instead wish for the fortitude to withstand any adversity.

If we wish to not have problems we're going to lose.

Life is going to create new problems throughout our lives no matter what.

We are going to have things that happen that are going to change and that change often isn't for the better.

For example,

Our bodies as we get older probably will begin to have health problems and those health problems may actually cause us physical pain or at least inability to do things that we used to do.

And because of that we may suffer because we wish for no adversity and that's an adversity.

If we're in a loving relationship that relationship may have bumps.

If we're in a job that we like it may change.

We may get a new manager or our industry may be outsourced or deleted and there's no more work for us in what we used to do.

Change is very much a part of life.

So if we're looking for happiness and arriving at a place where all is well because nothing is changing and our lives are perfect then yes we are going to suffer for the rest of our lives.

The key is acknowledging that the suffering comes from hanging on to things and wishing for that perfect day to last for the rest of our lives.

Instead at a much deeper level peace can be in our hearts throughout our lives when we stop fighting life.

Life is going to change.

Life is going to create adversity.

That's a guarantee.

But what's going to cause us to suffer is when we chase the happiness of the past.

When we want those really good days to be here all the time.

They're not going to happen but it's our hanging on to those really good days.

Those times where we really chase those past happy moments that we suffer.

That's what causes us to struggle on life.

When we embrace that life changes.

When we embrace that there even are adversities at times.

Our role then is to say how do I handle this adversity well?

Think of it this way.

When we put our head down at night and sleep through a night we don't expect to lie in one position throughout the night and then wake up all rested.

Most likely we will toss and turn throughout the night.

Those are the adversities.

Our bodies get a little sore and they need to turn.

They need to change.

We don't fight that.

We just change.

We toss.

We turn.

We move over.

We adjust to the aches and pains we may be feeling throughout the night.

And then when we do wake up even with tossing and turning and with some aches and pains we say,

Thank you I had a good night's sleep.

Life is so much like that.

It's going to present issues,

Problems for us.

And our job is to solve them.

To solve them well.

And we do that because we're capable human beings.

We study what are good solutions to problems.

We study what are bad solutions to problems.

And hopefully throughout life we learn things.

We get wiser and we make better decisions.

And then we implement those decisions.

So let's use an example of someone who went into their career for whatever reason and they are excited about it.

They thought it would be a really great career for them.

Perhaps they're a medical doctor.

And then they get in their profession.

They realize,

You know medicine isn't really what I expected it to be.

I really don't like these 12-hour shifts at the hospital.

So they may make small changes and find that working in a clinic would be better because then they don't have to work the 12-hour shifts.

Or they may go into teaching where they don't have to work with patients as often.

Or they may cut back their expenses and quit medicine and find something to do that pays less but they enjoy much more.

Do you want to know something?

That's what I do for a living.

I help people solve adversities in their life.

I believe there's always a solution.

It isn't necessarily immediate.

But there's always some solution to whatever problem they bring.

And I help them find that solution.

If they come to me and they say,

Hey I want things to stay the same.

Just help me feel good again.

I can't really help them.

But they say,

I'm struggling with this issue.

What do you think I can do?

And then we explore options they have.

The pros and cons of those options and decide what would be a good direction for them to head in.

There's always some direction that we can head in with adversity.

Sometimes it's just acceptance.

Oh I'm going blind and that's okay.

I can still live my life well.

One of my favorite people in history is by the name of Leonard Euler.

Unless you're a mathematician,

You may not know who he was.

But many people consider him the most brilliant mathematician that ever lived.

Well he was a beautiful soul who loved his family and was very close to his wife and his kids.

But later in his life he went blind.

And you would think as a mathematician,

Going blind would be quite challenging.

But for him,

He got his family involved and he would dictate to them.

And they would write it up and he would continue to publish.

And he continued to contribute to the math world throughout the rest of his life even though he couldn't see out of both eyes.

They say that the day he died he was working on some math problems and his kids were doing the dictation.

And he just quietly passed away restfully and peacefully because he had lived a good journey through life.

Now you may be thinking,

Well it couldn't have been that bad.

You know he lost first one eye and then he got a cataract in the second eye and they had to do surgery.

And this was in the 18th century so there wasn't any way to numb his eye.

And it was so badly done that he lost sight in his second eye.

Think,

Well he still was a great mathematician.

Well I can continue.

He lost his first wife.

She died.

He did get remarried.

And then several of his children died because of the health concerns back in the 18th century.

And yet if you really study him,

He just flowed with life and he flowed with life well.

I think most of us,

Not all,

But most of us would probably give up on our careers if we went blind.

We may not,

But I think a lot of people would throw in the towel and say I'm done.

And yet this man contributed more to mathematics more than anyone who ever lived.

And he had a beautiful life even with adversity.

And you know what?

That's the key.

The key isn't to wish for life to bring no adversity.

The key isn't to go back to that perfect day and wish we had that day again.

The key is the flow of life and realize that life brings adversity.

And there's a solution to any adversity that life brings us.

Any.

We just have to find it.

Our goal is to say okay,

Life you've thrown me this new challenge.

I'm gonna figure this one out.

I'm gonna resolve this and I'm gonna make my life go well.

Sometimes it's just acceptance,

But usually there's a solution to make it better.

Maybe a little at first,

But with time it does get better no matter what it is.

That's what I do for a living and I love what I do for a living because I know when that person comes into my office and they're struggling,

I'm gonna give them a solution to their problem and they're gonna leave happier because we need hope.

And there's always hope.

We just can't cling on to the past,

That perfect day.

We can't cling on to the desire to have a perfect life.

What we can cling on to is that no matter what life throws us,

We can flow with that and do well with that and have a good life because we're not fighting life as much.

We're taking one adversity at a time,

Working towards solving it and once it's solved,

Whatever that solution is,

Then we move on and we work on the next thing and make that better.

And tomorrow when new adversities come,

We deal with them throughout the day and we get really good at handling challenges.

And that's the solution.

Not that there aren't challenges,

That's the path of suffering.

Not that we want that perfect day,

That's the path of suffering.

What we want is a beautiful ability to handle any challenges that come our way and know that we have that gift and we're gonna implement them and we're never gonna give up on life.

We're gonna continue every day to make our lives better,

Keep improving,

Keep growing and keep adjusting to the changes of life.

Realizing that that is life.

Life is change and wishing for a perfect day and hoping it will stay forever is the path of suffering.

We're gonna stop doing that.

Instead,

We're gonna flow with life and realize that the journey isn't are we there yet.

The journey is we are enjoying each day well,

Living each day well,

Whatever adversity or challenge life brings because we truly can live a beautiful life one day at a time,

One breath at a time.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thanks for offering this kind and thoughtful piece on opening to our own love, compassion, joy and peace; to be our own guides (not our expectations).
I’m feeling delighted to be skilfully led to be accepting and loving what is. Thanks again.

Thanks Dr Puff! Lovely as always!

Thank you 🙏