Stop Bothering Me (How To Let Go & Be Happy)

"Stop bothering me." How often have we either thought or even said this? There are so many things that can annoy us. They take away from our enjoyment of our day or our lives. There are ways to overcome these annoyances and have a happy life when something is bothering me. In this talk, we explore healthy ways to be less upset by things that are bothering us. (Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I once gave an assignment to one of my clients who was having a hard time with life.

I encouraged her to go outdoors and spend some time in nature.

I thought that would be really helpful for her just to calm down and find some peace and beauty in her life.

When I asked her how it went the following week,

She said she went up to the local mountains and though it was very beautiful,

She found that the flies really bothered her and she really couldn't get anything out of the assignment because the flies were so bothersome.

I thought about it after she left because I've spent a lot of time in nature all over the world and I don't remember ever being bothered by flies,

At least to the point where they took away from the beauty of being in nature.

So the next time I went out,

I actually paid attention.

And she was correct.

There were flies and they did get in your eyes or in your ears or around your face.

It was true.

But they didn't bother me that time and they had never bothered me in the past.

How could two people have such a different experience?

She had spent very little time in nature out in the woods and I'd spent countless hours out in the woods.

How could we have such different experiences?

It really wasn't that we had different experiences.

We in many ways had the exact same experience.

I noticed flies were getting into my ears,

Into my face,

Crawling on my hands and on my legs.

And though I'd been in the woods countless times,

And of course flies are there and they do get in your face and in your eyes and on your legs,

All over your body.

I just didn't care.

They didn't take away anything from my being in nature.

You just swat them away and go forward.

Sometimes you just ignore them.

But for her,

They took away from the beauty of her experience.

And the two of us truly had a very different experience in nature.

But this story really reflects life in general.

I mean the classic case is one of driving.

How many people,

When they're commuting or traveling somewhere,

Really enjoy that time?

They might be listening to an audiobook,

Talking on the phone,

Listening to music on the radio.

I'm myriad of things that they enjoy.

And when there's traffic,

They just continue to do what they're doing.

And others,

By the time they get to work or wherever they're going,

Are completely stressed,

Overwhelmed and exhausted.

Even though it's the exact same commute for both people.

Why is that?

Well I'd like to share another story that just happened to me that might illustrate what's going on here.

I was just in New York City for a couple weeks,

Really enjoying myself.

I love art museums and they have some of the best art museums in the world there.

Well one museum that I've never been to before is called the Frick Collection.

It's not very far from the Met.

And I knew that they had some wonderful paintings from history,

So I was very excited to go there.

Well one thing that I really like doing at art museums is taking pictures of the paintings and the descriptions for a couple reasons.

One,

So I can study them later and really remember what I saw.

And also,

If any of you happen to follow me on Instagram,

You know that I post paintings of the pictures that I've seen on my Instagram account.

Well,

The first fly started buzzing around me when I started to take a picture of the first painting that I saw.

And one of the guards says,

Excuse me sir,

You cannot take pictures in this gallery.

It's posted all over.

I just arrived and I didn't see those signs.

And I was disappointed because I was looking forward to taking a lot of great pictures in this excellent museum.

Well,

Then a little later another fly came by and started buzzing in my face.

This time,

I was looking up close at a painting.

I always put my hands behind my back because I want them to know that I'm not going to touch it.

But I do like getting up close with my glasses so I can see how the artist painted the picture.

Well again,

A guard came up to me and said,

Excuse me sir,

You need to back up,

You're too close.

And I did,

But that fly was there.

Then finally,

The third fly came by.

I went downstairs and I asked the person who checked me in if I were to leave if I could come back because I wanted to go get lunch.

And they didn't have the best selection at their cafe.

She told me no,

That if you leave,

You cannot come back.

And I like to stay a whole day at the museum.

So I went downstairs and eat their cafe.

Now you would think with these three flies that buzzed around me that I would have been very disappointed in this museum.

But I want to share two things with you.

One,

I actually had to write these three things down because I knew I would forget them.

And you want to know the second thing?

That was one of the most exquisite museums I'd ever been to.

I loved it and I had a fabulous time there.

And like I said,

I didn't even remember what these three things were until I wrote them down.

I knew I needed to write them down or I wouldn't be able to share it on the podcast.

But this is how life works.

Life has a lot of things that can bother us.

Flies that get in our face metaphorically.

And we have to decide,

Are we going to let them bother us?

Are we going to enjoy our lives?

Because there's always going to be flies in life.

That is inevitable.

And of course by flies,

I mean things that are going not the way we want them to.

There are things that are bothering us.

And we want to have a good time in life.

We want to be happy.

That's probably why we're listening to this podcast.

We want to be happy.

And again,

It's not that we don't swat them away metaphorically.

It's just the fact that do we dwell on them or do we let them keep us from living our lives well?

Because I think a lot of people,

Like the woman I started with,

Never go back to good places because they had one bad experience in a really wonderful experience.

How many of us have stories like that or know people that had a bad experience and will never go back even though maybe 95 or 99% of the trip or the experience was wonderful?

It's all about what we focus on.

And if we focus on the flies,

If we focus on the things bothering us,

We will be bothered.

And if we ruminate on them,

Meaning that we think about them,

We get angry,

We keep thinking about them and saying they're unjust,

We'll get even more angry.

For example,

When I was at the Frick and the guard told me to step back,

I was too close.

I'm telling you,

I am very careful about how close I get to paintings.

And I really clearly put my hands behind my back.

And in no museums does anyone ever correct me,

Except in the Frick they did.

I could have created a story.

What's wrong with this museum?

Why are they correct at me?

No one else ever does.

I could have gone down that path and been angry,

Justifiably angry.

Or I could say,

I'm going to step back and look at this beautiful painting from a little bit more distance.

Again,

When I was there,

Almost all museums let you take pictures.

I don't know why they didn't at the Frick,

But they didn't.

And I had a fabulous time.

I could have been angry and said,

Wow,

This museum is terrible.

They won't even let me take pictures.

I'm leaving.

I could have done that.

And I wouldn't have had a wonderful time.

Is it beginning to make a little bit of sense?

It's so much what we do.

Yes,

We are going to have flies in our lives.

That is inevitable.

We all do.

But are we going to let these flies,

These things that bother us,

Are we going to let them destroy our experience?

Or are we just going to not even notice them,

Not even pay attention to them?

Or probably more importantly,

Move on from them very quickly and focus on the things that we can enjoy.

Now I do know sometimes in life we do need to challenge the rules that are put upon us,

The flies that are getting in our face.

We need to confront them.

That's inevitable,

Particularly in relationships that matter to us.

We may need to confront a person and say,

You need to stop doing that.

That's hurting my feelings.

But a lot of times we have so little control over what people do and how they treat us.

But what we do have control over is our response.

And even more importantly,

We can let it go.

We don't have to let it bother us.

I mean,

Yes,

Initially we are going to be bothered.

But it's a difference between hanging on to it for five minutes or maybe five hours or letting it go and saying,

You know what?

That was irritating,

But I'm going to keep enjoying what I'm doing and have a wonderful time.

That's really how people do it.

Everyone has flies in their life.

Everyone gets bothered by things.

The biggest difference is for some people,

They just realize that's just life.

Things aren't going to go the way that they expect it to all the time.

Or sometimes they're just going to face things that are bothersome.

It doesn't seem right.

It doesn't seem just.

But are they going to fight it or are they going to go forward?

Sometimes,

Of course,

It is correct to fight things.

I honestly get that.

But most of the time,

It isn't.

It's exhausting.

It just tires us out.

Instead,

We just adjust.

For example,

When I was at the Frick and that guard came up to me and told me to stand back,

I could have said,

Sir,

What are you talking about?

No one ever corrects me.

My hands are behind my back.

What could I possibly do to this painting?

And we could have an argument.

And I could have asked for the manager of the museum to come.

I could continue the argument.

I could have gone home and called my friends and said,

You know what happened and what they did?

Or I could say,

OK,

I don't necessarily agree with what he's saying,

But I'm going to stand back because it's a whole big deal and I'm going to enjoy myself,

Which I did.

And like I said,

I even had to write down what happened just so I would remember to talk about it because I wouldn't have remembered.

I would have let it go.

And that's what we do in life.

We have to decide,

Are we going to swat every fly or even if we swat them,

Are we just going to move on?

Meaning we're just going to let it go and enjoy ourselves.

I loved being at the Frick that day.

It was one of my favorite museums I'd ever been to because it wasn't too overwhelming.

They had some beautiful paintings,

But it wasn't endless like the Met.

Mind you,

The Met is a fabulous museum,

But it takes days to get to that museum.

At the Frick,

I was able to see every painting,

Listen to the descriptions on the audio,

And it was just wonderful.

And that's what I remember.

That was my experience.

Again,

Getting back to my client who went into the woods,

I've had countless experiences of being in nature that are beyond belief.

Wonderful.

She went one time and focused on the flies and never went back.

Think of how many people out there never go back to things because they had one thing that happened.

And that means they're missing out on so much of life.

Life truly is a beautiful adventure,

But there are flies in life.

There are things that are going to bother us,

And we have to make a choice.

Do we swat them away and move on?

Or do we let these things bothering us keep us from living our lives well?

Do you know there are people out there that are so bothered by life?

A lot of times it's based on fear,

But they're so bothered by life that they never leave their home again.

The term's called agoraphobia.

They get so afraid of life,

And they're so bothered by life that they won't even leave their house.

And I'm talking probably for the rest of their lives.

And there are countless people all over the world living that way.

Now I know this is an extreme case,

But it's not an irrelevant case.

Like I said,

A lot of people are afraid.

A lot of people are bothered by life,

And they just avoid living.

Things that could bring them such joy and beauty they stay away from because they get bothered by things.

Life with time becomes little irritations that we don't even notice.

It's like having a little bit of a backache or headache.

You don't even realize you have it because we focus on all the other wonderful things going on around us.

That's the key of life.

I say this so often.

There really is always something beautiful to be with.

Let's give our attention to that.

We are going to be bothered,

But we let it go very quickly because we don't want to let these little things,

And sometimes big things,

Keep us from enjoying our lives.

It's just not fair.

It's not reasonable.

And that's what we're going to work on.

Let's work on when we get bothered.

Let's first ask ourselves,

Is there anything we can do to make this situation better?

Like swatting the fly away or taking an aspirin or talking to the person that's bothering us.

And then as soon as it's over,

And sometimes we do nothing.

Often we do nothing.

But then when it's over,

We just go back to enjoying our lives.

That's the key,

Letting it go.

And we realize that that's in our control,

Not someone else's.

We can let things go and live our lives well.

Or we can hang on to things and let it bother us for as long as we want.

It is in our control.

And we have to make that choice each and every time something bothers us.

But when we learn to let things go and live our lives well,

I really believe we'll find that the things that used to bother us just don't bother us as much anymore.

And when we do get bothered,

We forget about it.

And we focus on all the wonderful things that were going on and are going on that are so beautiful in our lives.

And with this practice,

We'll find that one day at a time,

One breath at a time,

We create beautiful lives for ourselves.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Wonderful advice. And yes, the Frick is wonderful!

I loved the fly metaphor, as I happen to be sitting at the beach with the occasional fly landing on me and causing a tickle. I happen to love bugs,even wanted to be an entomologist as a kid, so flies aren’t my “flies”Today, I’m letting generational dysfunctional family stuff occupy my mind. I got out of the house to clear my mind by doing yoga on the beach, yet, intrusive, angry flies kept distracting me and robbing me of peace. I’m a huge rule follower. There is a no dog policy at our beach, yet entitied people bring their dogs and an unleashed dog bothered me while doing yoga. These “flies” get to me bc they know better and domesticated dogs disturb our seabird and sea turtle nests, not to mention the parasites their waste can harbor. I end up getting so focused on their lack of courtesy that it gets me angry. Forget about driving 😂 I have a 15 min morning commute with my husband in local roads and end up getting so aggravated at the flies who can’t use turn signals or drive recklessly and too fast. My husband doesn’t let the flies bother him. I should let him drive, but my type A need for control prevents that. I’m scared when other people drive and I’m not in control. This session reminds me that focusing on the flies is destroying my piece of mjnd and happiness. I’m letting fear make me miserable, too. I appreciated the agoraphobia example, too. I’m such an introvert, however I love nature too much to shut myself in. The problem is that when I venture out, I avoid people like the plague. Even here at the beach, I moved to a more secluded spot when a family sat near me. That’s when I found this session. I will wholeheartedly try to heed your advice. I’m letting flies stupidly kill me. Thank you and I appreciate having a place to vent.

Very helpful talk on the power of focus and what we aim it at. Timely help when I listened to it!

thank you 🙏

Such a great reminder of the value of letting go!

A good illustration to make his point. Very easy to listen to. Thank you 🙏🦋