Silence Is Golden

I gladly welcome you to this episode of the Happiness Podcast. In this episode, we will explore the power of our words when directed towards, when words are directed at us, and how silence may be better at times.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

If we're from English speaking countries,

We've probably heard this phrase before.

Silence is golden.

It's been around I don't even know how long,

But it's a beautiful phrase that has a lot of wisdom to it.

But I found another phrase that I like equally to this one.

It goes,

Speak only when you feel your words are better than silence.

Let me repeat that.

Speak only when you feel your words are better than silence.

In today's modern age,

With all our cell phones,

Computers,

IPads,

Tablets,

We're not really used to silence.

And I think when we're with other people,

There's a sense of,

If there's silence,

There's probably something wrong.

I think silence can make us feel uncomfortable when we're with another person.

And mind you,

Good healthy communication is a good thing,

Particularly when it's healthy,

When it's positive,

When it's loving.

But unfortunately,

Not all our communication is done in this way.

Sometimes our words are critical,

Sometimes they're harsh,

And sometimes they're even judgmental.

Or sometimes I think our words are just to fill the empty space around us.

We're uncomfortable with silence,

So we fill it.

Fill it with anything,

It really doesn't matter.

It can be mindless chatter,

But it's going to be filled because that silence makes us uncomfortable.

But words can be very powerful too.

We probably all know someone in our past who said something hurtful to us that took us perhaps years to get over that one phrase that was said to us,

Or others who said something beautiful,

Kind,

Supportive to us that we still hold very close to our heart years later.

Many years ago,

A person told me about a story that when they were a child,

Her grandfather was commenting on the attributes of her and her sister.

She just had one sister.

And her grandpa said that she was a pretty one,

And her sister was a smart one.

And it truly took this person years to undo the damage that was said just that one time.

She actually had to go on and get her masters in order to feel like she was smart.

Or I remember when I was 14,

It was the first time anyone ever called me a man,

Not a boy.

I was visiting a family that I didn't know very well,

And their younger son said,

Mom,

Is that man going to stay with us for dinner?

It was the first time I'd ever been called a man.

And I remember those simple words really changed my life,

Because I realized I was moving into adulthood,

And it was time to see my life differently.

And I did.

In today's episode,

I want to explore four aspects of communication,

And how our communication can be beautiful,

It can be kind,

It can be loving towards others and ourselves.

Well,

The first part has to go back to what I read earlier.

Speak only when you feel your words are better than silence.

Words truly can have a great impact on other people's lives.

So we do need to consider,

When we speak,

Is it kind?

Is it loving?

Is it true?

Or even if it's just talk,

Still,

We have to ask ourselves,

Am I talking perhaps hurtful or critical of another person?

Our words matter.

And sometimes how we culture this,

Particularly when they're hurtful,

Is I was just kidding.

That's a classic phrase that people will use.

I was just kidding.

Or,

Why are you being so sensitive?

Another response we often hear from people.

So let's think about our words and how they can really have a negative impact or positive impact on another person.

Would we rather make our world a better place and the people that we love or care about healthier?

Or would we rather tear people down and hurt them?

What I have found is when we develop the skill of sharing loving,

Kind,

Supportive words with others,

We really like the benefits of that.

I remember when I was a kid,

My grandfather had four acres that he grew fruits and vegetables on and used to every day go out to the farm,

Bag up those groceries into bags,

And drive throughout town giving them away to people for free.

He just gave them away.

And there really were blessings on both sides.

The people,

Of course,

Were very grateful because some of them were struggling.

And this was food for their table so that they could eat.

But for him,

He was able to help people and get the thank yous in all the ways in which he saw that he was making a difference in people's lives.

Our words are like that.

We can use our words to help people,

To make them feel better when they're down.

You'd be shocked how sometimes a phrase,

A simple phrase,

Can change a person's life that you may never know.

I remember when I was in graduate school,

One weekend we went to work with inner-city kids in Philadelphia.

They were very poor and they were struggling in life.

They were all in junior high and they just had very challenging lives.

Well,

One of the boys had the name of a famous author.

I don't even remember what the author's name was,

But I told him about that.

I said,

Oh,

Did you know your name is this author?

And he was very excited and he was glad.

And I didn't see him again for over a year.

But when I saw him a year later,

I just ran into him.

I completely forgot about our conversation.

And he told me that he had been really studying that author and I was excited that his name was the same as that author's.

We often just don't know the impact of our words.

So it's important when they come out of our mouths to think about it.

Are they going to be helpful?

Are they going to be good?

Are they true?

Are they loving?

And if they're not,

I think that's where silence is important.

Now where silence can be hard is when we're mad at someone or someone is hurting us or someone we feel is doing us an injustice.

I often,

As you know,

Say it's very important for us to set boundaries.

But even when we set boundaries,

Even when we call someone on the behavior,

I think we can do it in a way that's not harmful.

It may be strong,

But it doesn't have to be harmful.

And I think that's the key.

Our words are powerful and often we forget that they matter.

Or we're just kidding.

I think that's the one that catches so many people,

Particularly in loving relationships.

Oh,

I was just kidding.

We really,

Really have to be careful there because our words,

Though they may seem funny to us,

Can have a devastating impact on another.

Words are just powerful.

So if we don't have something good to say,

Often I believe our best stance is just to remain silent.

Silence can be so helpful because then even if we're mad at someone,

Instead of punching them back or saying something cruel to them after they've said something cruel to us,

We are better because then we don't have the guilt of hurting them.

Because when the death settles,

We're going to think about what we said.

And it's not good for us to go through life hurting people.

Hurtful people struggle with being happy.

It's very hard to find happiness when you feel guilty.

It's just challenging.

So it's better for us,

Even in situations where we know there's an injustice being done,

To sometimes remain silent.

Now I want to repeat over and over again,

Boundaries are very important.

There's lots we can do to stop someone from hurting us.

I mean,

Think about police officers.

They all day long have to deal with negativity.

And if they lash out with the same energy that is projected at them,

It gets posted on national or international news.

So it isn't helpful to lash back.

I'm not in any way excusing the behavior of people that hurt us.

That's where boundaries are so incredibly important.

And I've talked about boundaries in many different episodes on this podcast.

But today I want to talk about silence.

When we're feeling that anger,

When we're feeling like we just need to say something,

It's really best not to just to remain silent and remove yourself if possible.

Because I do think it's easier to remain silent when we're not in that tense situation.

Just excuse ourselves and be still.

It's a better approach.

And again,

If our words aren't even helpful,

If they're just playful words that could be interpreted in a negative way,

I think even then we have to be careful.

Often teasing can be hurtful.

So let's be careful with our words.

Okay,

That's the first part.

Words are important.

Words are powerful.

But the second thing we want to think about is what we hear.

What are we exposing ourselves to?

Who are we hanging out with?

Are we hanging out with people that are critical?

Are we exposing ourselves to people that are harsh with their words,

That are playful,

But perhaps in a too harsh way?

So that's what we have to think about.

What we expose ourselves to matters.

And that's where,

As I said earlier,

Boundaries are so important.

The boundary may be,

This person just keeps saying hurtful things.

I'm going to limit my time with them,

Or perhaps I'm going to stop spending time with them and find other people who,

Like me,

Want to be kind with their words.

I do think that's a better approach to life.

But we have to set those boundaries.

If we don't set them,

Then life will just give us what it gives us.

And it doesn't always give us the best,

Unless we set boundaries and choose to be with people that are kind with their words,

That,

Like us,

Are really working on making the world a more loving,

Beautiful place to live in.

And it's not just the people we hang out with.

It's the music we listen to.

It's the television shows we watch.

It's the movies we go to.

It's all the things that we expose ourselves to throughout the day.

If we are exposing ourselves to words or actions that are hurtful or harmful,

Then we have a tendency to think this is just normal.

I think when you see kids that really do a lot of verbal abuse with each other,

You'll just notice that they just think that's normal because that's what they're exposed to.

So I think it's important to be careful what we get exposed to because that will become our new norm.

The third thing that we have to think about is our mental thoughts and how we reinforce what is said to us.

So when words come in,

They have two choices.

They can come in and stick.

And they stick by us reinforcing them.

We keep thinking about what was said to us over and over and over again.

Or we let them go because we know they're harmful.

It's like swallowing food poisoning and getting it out of our system.

We get it out by regurgitating it or passing it through our bowels.

If we keep it inside,

We're going to get sicker and sicker and sicker.

So let's use a very common example.

Let's say we get together with one of those annual visits to some of our family members.

Maybe it's a wedding.

Maybe it's a holiday.

But you know,

We get together with family members that we don't often see.

Well,

We arrive at the event and one of our distant relatives says,

Oh,

It looks like you've been eating well.

You put on some weight.

Or,

Oh,

Boy,

Life must have been hard for you.

You look a lot older.

We know those words.

Probably most of us have been exposed to them throughout our lives sometimes.

They're not fun.

They're hurtful.

But they have a lot more power if we just keep thinking about them over and over and over again.

We have to reinforce them.

And if we don't reinforce them,

They just dissipate.

They go away.

They don't stick.

We give them power.

And we cannot give them power.

Those words are going to hurt.

Period.

But if we learn to not let them stick,

Instead of staying with us for days,

Weeks,

Months,

Perhaps years,

They'll stay with us for perhaps five minutes or an hour max.

If we work towards not reinforcing them.

And the way we do that is through silence.

So the words hurt.

They just do.

So if we reinforce them by thinking about them over and over again,

They're going to just keep hurting.

If we want to move on and let that hurt go,

Then we have to not reinforce it.

And the way we don't reinforce it is through silence.

So for example,

We think about what our Uncle Joe said and our excess weight.

And we can think about that and say,

Well,

Am I fat?

And we begin to repeat what he said or even adding to it.

That's not helpful.

What is helpful is silence.

And what we do is when we notice,

Oh,

I'm thinking about what my uncle said again.

Instead,

We say,

Well,

My mind can only be on one thing at a time.

Why don't I be on what's around me,

Like the beautiful nature around me?

Or perhaps I'm reading a book.

Perhaps I'm just breathing and watching my breath in silence.

It's so much more enjoyable to be present with what is instead of being stuck in our thoughts and all the negativity that can be there.

Instead,

We learn to live in the present moment.

And in the present moment,

There's silence.

There isn't all this egoic commentary.

And if we lose the egoic commentary,

Then those hurtful words just don't have power to stick.

They kind of work their way through our system.

We get better.

And we live a life.

I know the words hurt.

And that's why boundaries are so important.

Why keep talking about boundaries over and over again.

But sometimes things are going to get in.

People are going to say things that are hurtful that we won't see coming.

And when they do,

That's where it's important to not reinforce them through our thoughts and to live in the present moment in silence.

And that leads us to part four,

Learning to be still,

Learning to be silent throughout our day.

Again,

We have so much stuff that goes to our head that's really not necessary,

That can in many ways not help us to find happiness and peace in life.

When we learn to quiet our minds and live in the present moment,

What we'll find is our life will become beautiful.

Our words,

Our thoughts,

What we hear,

What we speak are so powerful.

And in today's age,

What we text,

What we post on social media,

They're very powerful.

So we need to be careful what we let in.

We need to be careful what we expose ourselves to.

We need to be careful what we give out.

All of it matters.

And if we find that we don't have anything worth saying,

Perhaps it's best just to be silent.

And even with time to learn that silence is golden.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you thank you thank you 🙏 just listen and relax 😌

This was excellent!! Thank so so much!! ✨

Thank you dr Puff. This has given me so much to think about and to try and incorporate Into daily life.

Hi Dr Puff, I have listened to you for a long time. Silence is Golden is just perfect! Is there a text format of this session or is it possible to email this session to someone?
Thank you so much!! JJ

Thank you!
I try to practice this. I feel it is taking the high road to be silence.
My challenge is to balance where to create a boundary.. when am I shutting down? When i respond by being accepting.. meeting the person where they are. Seeing their best and allowing the silence to be a expression of love I feel good.

Sixteen minutes of insight and advice very much worth listening to. Thank you.

I love listening to Dr. Puff's podcasts first thing in the morning while watering my plants. Those set my intentions for the day. I really like his voice and the way he explains the deeper things in life through simple examples. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us, Dr. Puff. Truly grateful!

Thank you for your calm, kind advice.

I love these podcasts, always relevant. 🦋

Thank you 🌺🌺🌺for sharing this nice episode 🌈it is wonderful to get happy input in this way 🙏Namaste