Living without Answers

In this podcast we look at the dangers of needing the know the answers to some of life challenges and ways to live well without the answers.

Transcript

Welcome to the happiness podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Answers.

We like answers.

That's what makes humans so creative.

And it also has helped us to really develop ourselves as a civilization.

Science comes out of questioning.

So many things come out of questioning.

And because we question things,

We grow.

It really is a beautiful tool that we can use in life.

But there is one big thing that isn't good about questioning.

It can cause us a lot of suffering.

Because if we live long enough,

Certain things are going to happen.

They're going to cause us a lot of pain,

Sometimes physical pain,

Sometimes emotional pain,

But it can be a devastating amount of pain.

Some of these we just know we can expect them to happen.

And though they're painful,

We're not always surprised by them.

We don't need answers for them because we know it's just part of life.

For example,

The death of our parents.

We most likely will outlive our parents.

And given that we're going to expect at some point that they're going to pass.

And we will not like that,

Of course,

But we will accept that we won't need any answers for that.

But what we're going to learn about in this podcast is we can like answers for anything.

Even things like that are expected,

Like the death of our parents.

I mean,

Our parents may be 90 and have Alzheimer's and be in a nursing home.

And we can still question that and say,

God,

Why did this happen?

Or we may be seven and our parents may be killed by a drunk driver.

That one is a bigger question,

A bigger one that we may want answers to.

So no matter what we come up with,

We can always seek answers and want to know why,

Why did this happen?

Now,

Mind you,

I do think it can be very helpful to have answers.

I knew one man whose father had abandoned him when he was younger.

He didn't know his father very well.

But when he got older,

He decided to research what happened to his dad.

Why did he leave?

And what he discovered was his father had a real anger problem.

And he decided to leave instead of staying at home and hurting his family even more.

So for him,

Finding that answer was a good thing.

I knew another person whose both parents had died when he was younger and he was raised by his grandparents.

He never knew why he just thought they had abandoned him.

And in his case,

He found out that his parents had been killed because they were involved with a political organization,

And they had been killed.

When he found that out,

Again,

That was helpful for him.

But my guess is,

Most of us have questions that we don't have any answers to.

And we don't like that.

It can cause us a lot of suffering.

Why did this happen?

Why did this happen to me?

Why did this happen to my sister?

Why did this happen to my child?

Why is this happening right now?

Why?

These questions can drive us mad.

They can be really harmful because we just want to know.

And there are so many things in life which we may never find the answers to.

I mean,

Ever in this life.

I mean,

For example,

Let's say we have a child and that child dies of cancer at the age of seven.

We're never going to find really any adequate answer to that question as to why our child died.

There isn't any good answer.

So do we just suffer?

Do we just live the rest of our lives when things like this happen and suffer?

Or can we find peace?

Can we find happiness even when we don't have answers to our questions?

Yes,

We can.

But how do we do that?

Well,

The first thing we have to do is determine that the questioning is causing us to suffer.

I mean,

Like I said,

It is good sometimes to question,

But sometimes it isn't.

And the questions themselves cause us to suffer.

Life is perplexing at times.

It really doesn't always make sense.

I'm not saying there isn't answers,

But we may not be able to find them in this life.

For example,

A dear friend of mine recently lost her brother to suicide.

He had a wife and two young kids,

And yet he chose to end his life.

She was very close to him because it was her only brother,

And she doesn't really know why he did it.

And it has caused a lot of pain to herself,

To her parents,

And of course his kids and his wife.

A lot of pain.

But my friend,

Who is a wise soul,

Realizes that she does need to feel her feelings,

Which she is and which she does.

But she may never in this life have the answers as to why he really needed to die so early in life.

She deeply loved him,

And she can't connect with him anymore.

And it's hard for her,

But she's learned to live without the answers to why he committed suicide.

She's learned to live her life well,

And now she's actively involved in helping others who have siblings or people they know struggling with suicidal ideation and giving them tools that they can reach out to for help.

She's used that pain and turned it into something very beautiful.

Now I've been doing this podcast for over six years now,

And I'm very blessed that a lot of you have reached out to me via emails,

Via text,

Via phone calls,

And shared with me some of your own stories.

And what I've learned about this podcast is that people listen to it because often they have things in their lives that aren't going well,

Struggles,

And they're looking for answers,

Answers as to why and what can they do to make their lives better?

Well,

I think this is one of the big questions of life.

Why?

Why do things happen the way they do?

Even good things,

We can be blessed by something and not understand why it happened.

And if we decide that,

You know,

There are a lot of things I'm not going to find answers to in this life,

But I still want to be happy.

I still want to find peace in my life.

Then how am I going to do that?

And the answer is quite simple.

We have to learn to live without answers,

And that's okay.

We don't have to know the answers to everything,

And it's still okay.

I know we're going to do our best to find answers,

But when we do and none are found,

Then we need to let it go and just live.

Live without answers,

Living well in the present moment,

Right now,

Without those answers.

And we may keep seeking them,

But most of the time we're just living.

And if we go through our entire life never finding the answers to some of these very deep questions about pain,

About suffering,

What we will have done is lived a beautiful life because we are living without answers.

And we found that that's okay.

Not only that,

It can be beautiful because when we're able to accept that we may not have all the answers and that's okay,

Then what will settle in us is peace,

A deep peace,

Because all of a sudden we can live and let go of the pain,

Let go of the suffering,

And live.

Live well right now.

When we hang on to things,

The tighter we hang on to them,

The tighter we hang on to that pain,

The more we're going to suffer.

And I know sometimes it can actually feel good to feel that pain.

We don't want to let it go because it feels like it's dishonoring the pain.

For example,

If our child dies,

For most of us that's a lot of pain.

And if we stop feeling that,

If we stop questioning why did our child have to die,

We feel like it's dishonoring our child.

But what it's actually doing is keeping us from living.

And would that person,

That child of ours who deeply loved us,

Want us to sacrifice our lives in this life?

Because most likely they are in a very awesome,

Beautiful place and we are here to live,

To continue to live well.

I'm very sure that's what they would want of us even though they were taken from us prematurely.

I don't know that for sure.

I'm not even saying that's the answer.

But it seems like we are to live well no matter what.

And I know life throws some really,

Really big things at us sometimes.

For example,

Some of the listeners have been raped.

Some of the listeners were horribly abused growing up.

I mean the list can go on and on and on.

But there's a really important question we want to ask ourselves.

Are we going to let that person who abused us,

Are we going to let that person that caused us so much pain take away any more of our lives?

Or are we going to live amazing lives regardless of what they did?

We're not going to let them rob us from living well because that isn't going to happen.

They've already caused us pain and we're not going to keep letting that pain continue in our lives.

We're going to find that life is awesome,

Is beautiful and we're going to show them that they're not going to take away from our joy of life ever again.

They did it once.

We're not going to let them keep doing it.

We have a choice.

We have a choice to live well no matter what.

But that does mean we have to live without finding answers to all our questions.

We're going to live well but we're living well with questions unanswered.

Now the tendency for some people,

I would actually argue many people,

Perhaps even most people,

Is to if they don't want to face the questions,

If they can't handle the questions,

They'll choose to numb the questions.

For example,

If they went through a divorce and it was very painful or if their spouse died,

Whatever it may be,

Instead of facing that pain and living without the answers,

They may turn towards alcohol,

Prescription drugs,

Food,

Workaholism.

The list is so long of things we do instead of feeling the pain.

Of course we feel the pain but ultimately what we do is we live without answers to the questions of why the pain happened.

We don't suppress it through addictions,

Which so many people do,

Perhaps most.

What we do instead is if we want to be happy,

If that's our goal to find happiness and peace in life right now,

Then we need to face those questions and say,

All right,

I know I may never have the answers to these questions and that's okay.

I'm gonna still live well when I need to feel I will but mostly I just live well without the answers to all my questions.

It's a choice probably most of us have to make at some point in our lives.

Are we going to fight life,

Struggle with life because life is so unfair and we want to know why?

Or are we going to,

When we don't get the answers or we cannot find the answers,

Are we gonna say,

Okay,

I get it,

I may not have answers,

All the answers that I want,

But I'm still gonna live well.

I'm still gonna find joy,

Peace,

Happiness right now no matter what.

And I know I need to do that by doing one thing,

Letting go of my need,

Letting go of my desire to have all the answers.

I'm gonna live well without all the answers to my questions and that's okay.

And perhaps today if you're open,

If you're willing to go one further step deeper into this living without answers,

We can do this one last thing and that is ask ourselves,

Why did I expect life to go a certain way?

It's because of our expectations that we suffer.

Of course we want things to go a certain way,

But that isn't how life works.

Life goes the way it's gonna go.

We can do our best to navigate it,

But sometimes we just can't.

It just throws us things that we just really cannot control.

And so the question to ask ourselves is,

Why did I expect it to go a certain way?

And this really ends up with the same ability,

The ability to let go of the answers to our questions,

The need to know answers,

Because we decide that we just live life.

We don't expect life to do anything.

We just live it well,

See how it unfolds,

Direct what we can and realize a lot of what unfolds just does and we just can't influence it.

We flow with it,

But we can't necessarily always direct it and that's okay.

It's a very deep level of living without answers to our questions because we don't have any more questions.

This is hard to do,

But one we might consider trying sometimes when we are struggling with the answers to our questions.

The first one is to ask ourselves,

Do I want to suffer anymore or am I done suffering and I can let go of this question?

And at a deeper level,

Can I let go of my expectations to anything and just flow with life,

Doing my part,

But realizing that life is going to unfold the way it unfolds and that's okay.

And I see it as a wonderful adventure and even though I have very limited control over it,

I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm going to savor it.

I'm going to suck the marrow out of it and just have a most beautiful life no matter what.

And if I don't get the answers to my questions,

I may even reach a point of stop asking the questions and just let life flow because I am going to live a beautiful life.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities and perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter and if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Beautiful, helpful! Thanks a lot 🙏🏻

Just the perspective I needed. 🙏🏻

Thank you, grieving the loss of my forever 18-year-old son. This was helpful and I look forward to learning more of your wisdom

Beautiful, thank you!!

really insightful and validating~ thank you╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Excellent food for thought..taking it all in. Thank you.

Loved this talk. It reinforced my own discovery that I could let go my search for The Truth. What a relief to know I no longer had to Know. I also can let go of the question of why I got cancer 4 years ago. I can get on with enjoying and living my life.

Thank you. I love these talks. Lol

Thank you for nudging me forward. My mind and body absorbed your words like a sponge... especially as we go thru changes in life! Amazing talk! 💕🔥🐠dls

Just what I needed. Thank you

Important message!

So true! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

I am always asking myself why did my husband leave and divorce me after 27 years together. I had thought he truly loved me. After close to three years, I am still asking this question. He and I get along fine. But that makes things hurt even more not understanding. Its time that I accept Im not going to know. Eventhough i probably really do know. He was abusive to me up until the day he left me and didnt deserve me. Im sure he is also too to the woman he left me for. I put up with everthing and took all of the mesn words and the hitting. Even he being transgender and hiding it. Why did I waste so much of my life? I have to talk to him regularly because he pays my bills. He made me question mt own thoughts all of time. As in telling me things that did happen didnt. To the point i could no longer trust myself. I need to give up the questions. Why do we love people that are so mean. I dont think I ever knew him. Thank you Dr. Puff

Herzlichen Dank für einen weiteren sehr interessanten Beitrag und Grüsse aus Süddeutschland

Loved it. Great way to start the morning. Your voice is very comforting. I giggled when you said, "it's okay not to know all the answers." So simple yet so powerful and easy to forget. Thank you.

Thank you for this beautiful talk. As a “control freak” who is trying to unprogram the selfish desire to always need to know things such as “why” or “how”, this was a very helpful reminder that experiences, events, thoughts...don’t always need to have a further meaning or connection.

Wonderful reminder re: letting go, I needed this today. I will definitely visit your website. Thank you! 🙏🏾❤️

Very lovely to listen to. Thank you so much. It felt a little repetitive, but in a way that reinforced that it’s okay that life doesn’t always go the way we want. I feel less alone from my suffering and I feel like it’s okay to stop suffering. You are an angel and a blessing and I can’t wait to listen to more that you have to offer. Thank you.

Thank you for the teaching and the wisdom contained for this aspect of letting go.😊