Less Ego, More Happiness

In this podcast we explore how our ego, with its concern for approval from others and the ego trying to hang on the that which is impermanent, then the ego contributes to our state of unhappiness.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

When we're a kid,

Particularly when we hit the teenage years,

I think there's a real tendency to think that if everyone likes me or if I do something great,

Then everyone will like me and I'll be happy.

Or sometimes if we know we can't get everyone to like us,

We at least want to not stand out and kind of blend in so we're not ostracized,

So we're not attacked,

So we're not treated poorly by others.

If we're just okay,

Then life probably isn't so bad.

And this okayness or this desire for love and admiration from others boils down to one thing.

It's all about our ego.

It's about what we call ourselves and wanting that self to be liked by others.

What I'm going to argue today though is that this self is the path of suffering and the less we identify or need this self to be liked by others,

The more we're going to find happiness.

Why am I saying that?

Well,

One aspect of it has to do with internal versus external locus of control.

You see,

If our ego cares about what other people think about us and our happiness is contingent upon that acceptance,

Then that gives them control over us.

For example,

We may go to work one day and we've been working on a project for a very long time and let's say that project fails or something goes wrong with it.

Our colleagues who we work with may think badly of us for failing,

For doing poorly or fill in the blank.

So what happens is because of their disapproval of us,

Our happiness goes into the toilet.

And if we're needing their approval to get back our happiness,

Then we can work really hard to undo that mistake if it's even possible or we can just stay in the toilet and not do well in life and be unhappy.

But let's say we take the first approach and we really do well at our work again.

We get out there,

We hustle,

We make some deals and things seem to be going well again.

Well,

Not everyone may like that.

We may have colleagues that are jealous of us and they start attacking us for other reasons.

We may find that this extra work has caused problems at home and our spouse and our partner isn't happy about us not being home as much.

We may find that we have a lot more headaches and stress and are drinking more at the end of the day because we're working so hard to get their approval of our colleagues that it's having a price tag to it.

Now our ego is very creative.

It's very tricky.

It's going to come up with the perfect plan that if we again fill in the blank,

Maybe make enough money,

Maybe get a certain degree,

Maybe get a certain promotion,

Maybe meet our soulmate.

Again,

Just fill in the blank.

The ego is going to say,

If we get that,

All will be well.

We'll be happy.

Everything's going to go great.

Everyone will love us.

Well,

I'm not sure if you can think of anything,

But I sure can't think of anything that works in regards to having other people like us.

But like I said,

The ego is pretty tricky.

So it may say,

Hey,

Let's just not care about what other people think,

But let's care about what we think.

And what do we think is important?

Well,

Again,

If I reset level,

Then all will be well.

Who cares what anyone else thinks?

I'll have a lot of money and power.

Who cares?

Or we may come up with,

Well,

If I meet my soulmate,

Everything will be great and I'll be happy.

I don't care what anyone else thinks because I'm going to be with the person in my dreams.

Again,

The ego is tricky because the problem with these things is yes,

It can't be affected externally.

No one can influence the ego in this situation.

But the problem with it is life changes.

We may,

For example,

Meet our soulmate and then one day we come home and they're gone.

We may get that promotion and have a lot of power,

But then one day we get sick or we get a lawsuit or fill in the blank.

Something changes and then sure,

The world may or may not care,

But we care.

And because we care about our egos,

We suffer.

And it's truly amazing what we'll sacrifice and do for our egos because we think if our ego is happy,

If our ego is content,

If our ego is feeling good,

Then all is well.

But the problem,

Like I said,

What that is,

Is it's not possible.

No matter what the ego can come up with as a solution,

Caring about what we do or what we accomplish or what we have,

Will sooner or later have bumps and those bumps are going to rock our world.

So is there no hope?

Is there perhaps another way we could approach this to find happiness with this ego of ours still telling us what we need to do or thinking about what other people think about us?

What's the solution here?

Well,

The problem with it is we're trying to satisfy the ego,

Which is this insatiable appetite and no matter what we present to it,

It's going to very quickly say,

Not enough,

Not enough,

Keep going,

Keep pushing.

That's what our egos do.

Even when we have a moment of saturation,

We'll wake up in the morning and say,

Not enough,

Got to do more,

Got to keep going.

This won't last.

Keep pushing.

Life is scary.

We know that.

The ego knows that.

The life changes.

We may be a professional athlete.

We may win the World Cup at whatever sport we do,

Say football,

Soccer,

Baseball.

We may be standing on the mound and be given this huge trophy and very quickly our egos will say,

But what about next year?

I know there's a sense that if we reach a certain level,

We can just rest.

We're good.

We can just rest on whatever we have accomplished,

But that's not how we're wired.

We're wired such in a way that whichever accomplishment we meet,

We're always thinking about the next one.

We just always care.

Our egos care about what comes next because it's like Christmas or any holiday,

A birthday.

We're so excited to get that present,

But very quickly we're looking for the next one.

And if you don't believe me,

Go to people who are retired or perhaps living in a nursing home or aren't working anymore.

Ask them these kinds of questions and I think you'll find that they still care because if the ego is strong,

The ego never rests and no matter what we've accomplished,

Deep down inside,

The ego is going to say,

It's never enough.

Never.

And if you don't believe me,

Think about yourself.

Think about things that you've accomplished or things that you've done that at the time felt like this is it.

What more do I need?

This is awesome.

And you'll probably find if you're truthful that those things didn't last,

You went on to the next thing.

Let's say,

For example,

You always wanted to be a mom.

That's been your goal.

I just want to have my child.

I so badly want to have my child.

And then you have your first child.

And then you're thinking about the next stage.

Well,

I need to get them really good food so they're healthy and getting lots of experiences.

Then your ego starts thinking about their future,

Their lives and what they need to accomplish so that you can feel good.

Because if they fail,

Then that means you're a failure.

And when they hit those teenage years,

Sometimes they can make us look like idiots if our egos care.

All right,

Dr.

Puff,

I think you've made a few points here that are worth pondering.

And if that's true,

Then you may be saying,

Well,

What is the answer?

How do I find happiness with this crazy ego of mine?

That's this insatiable being that just will never be satisfied.

What do I do?

A lot of what I'm going to suggest is what I'm going to call ignoring.

But let me explain.

Imagine that I was able to create this very sophisticated robotic computer that followed you around everywhere you went.

It can answer very good questions.

It's very intelligent,

But it's a commentary.

What I mean by that is it just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks.

It's always thinking about the future.

It's making comments.

It just can be quite annoying,

But it's there.

So it does have usefulness.

And we want to use it when we need to solve things,

When we need to make decisions.

But mostly,

We kind of want to ignore it.

It'd be like being in a restaurant having a wonderful meal.

And we just are so savoring each bite.

And this little robotic computer starts commenting,

Well,

We've had better meals than this before.

Do you think the waiter thinks we're successful?

I mean,

After all,

What about the other people here?

This is a nice restaurant.

And on and on it goes.

But what we do is we just want to enjoy our meal.

And even though this computer helped us to decide what to order,

It's time now to ignore it.

When we are ready to pay the bill and maybe have to come up with a tip,

We'll use it again.

But mostly,

We kind of ignore it.

It's there.

It's annoying.

But once we get good at it,

We can be quite talented at ignoring it.

And we turn to it when we need it on.

But when we don't need it on,

We just ignore it.

Because what we have to do,

We have to ask,

Is it helping us?

Is it comparing us to other people helpful?

Is it being concerned about what people think about us helpful?

Is it making us feel good right now helpful?

Wouldn't it be better just to enjoy life and turn it off and not pay attention to it?

Because when we pay attention to it,

That computer or in real truth,

Our ego,

It's the path of suffering.

So mostly,

We're not going to engage with it.

Mostly,

We're going to give our attention to right now.

What's happening in this present moment?

Realizing that the ego is the path of suffering when it wants to compare and contrast or hang on to things.

Because now we know that's the path of suffering.

And that's the path our egos are going to take us on.

And if we want to be happy,

We have to use our egos correctly.

And mostly,

That's about helping us to decide things right now.

Helping us to make good decisions based upon what we know in the past.

But commentating on our behavior or comparing and contrasting ourselves to others or trying to hang tightly on the things that we know will change.

That's the path of suffering.

And we're not here to suffer.

We're here to live well.

And we're going to do that by living in the present moment.

And even though the ego is in the background,

We're just not going to give it so much attention anymore.

And what we're going to find is,

Then we're going to find freedom.

It's by not letting the ego control us,

But using the ego as a tool.

That's the path of happiness.

Because the ego's path is trying to hang on to something that can't be hung on to.

It's trying to win approval about ourselves via comparing ourselves to others.

That's the path of suffering.

Or by saying,

If we reach these goals,

Everything will be well.

That too is the path of suffering.

Living in the present moment without attachments,

That's the path of happiness.

And the ego can't do that.

The ego's a planner.

The ego's a comparing and contrasting entity.

It can't live in the present moment.

And it wants that job.

It wants to live in the present moment,

But with commentary.

And that just doesn't go well.

So because we want to be happy,

Even though we can't shut the ego down,

We can not give it so much attention.

And when we notice that,

Oh,

I'm beginning to compare and contrast again,

Then we can say,

Path of suffering,

Let's stop that.

Let's get back to the here and now.

That's a lot better way to live.

Now,

Just so you know,

In regards to happiness,

This is one of the most challenging because we are so conditioned to compare and contrast.

We are so conditioned to hang on to things,

The path of suffering.

But once we start working on this and really understand that that is the path of suffering,

And it's far better to stop doing that,

What will happen is that grip,

That egoic grip on our soul will be loosened.

And with time,

As we keep practicing this,

We will get better at it.

And we will find that we will begin to live in the zone in the present moment more and more until all our lives are truly astonishing.

But it takes work,

It takes practice,

And it takes awareness.

So may I encourage all of us to begin that path of letting go of the ego,

Having less ego,

And being far more in the present moment where happiness resides.

Happiness is our true selves.

Happiness is always available.

But once we try to hang on to it,

But the ego says,

I can keep you happy,

Then we're going to go down that path of suffering.

Instead,

Let's choose to be happy like a free bird flying in the air.

But we can't bring anything with us.

The ego needs to stay behind and we just need to fly through life,

Exploring life,

And find freedom in the here and now.

Thank you again for joining me on the happiness podcast.

As always,

If you are enjoying these podcasts,

Just go to happiness podcast.

Org.

That's happiness podcast.

Org.

You'll see a testimonial button there.

Just click on it,

Follow it through,

And it will leave you three places where you can leave reviews.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Awesome. Thanks

i love the simplicity of your explanation about the ego. i’ve read books on the ego and it confuses me even more. this was simple and straightforward. very helpful. thanks 🤍🕊️🩵🤍🕊️🩵🤍🕊️🩵🤍🕊️🩵

Thank you 🙏 words to practice and live by

Thank you..you explained it well. I know I am dominated by ego so this helps…

Thanks Dr. puff, this was really insightful. I saw so many correlations between what you were saying and how my husband operates currently and how it’s holding him back. I also saw some things in myself too. 💖

This was absolutely brilliant, I got so much from it and Ego was explained in a really simple and easy to understand way, Im going to listen to this often🥰

Thank you for your wisdom today. I really learn from your podcasts and this one was no exception.I recognize the ego in my life and have only recently been able to call it out. This has given me a sense of growth and freedom that I wasn't experiencing before. So, thanks again for your teaching, and for helping me to recognize the egos influence and change it.

This was a concise way to understand how damaging our Ego’s are to our happiness. I certainly understand the concept intellectually, now I just need to make a habit of shifting my focus when my Ego is trying sabotaging me.
I reached out when the recording stopped half way through, but it still hasn’t been addressed. I noticed Jennie’s review (thanks Jennie) and googled the title and Dr. Puff and found the full recording. Here it is in case anyone else wants to finish it too.

https://www.happinesspodcast.org/147-happiness-less-ego-happiness/

Thank you! It’s brilliant 💖

The ego can't live in a present! OMG
I listened to this recording everyday it's really meditating.
Thank you very much

Very helpful. Thank you!

Very valuable and insightful. Thank you.

I endeavour to live in the moment and not give into my ego .🙏

Shut down the ego and live in the present moment. Got it, Love it and Thank you.

That was interesting. A bit of food for thought. Worth a listen.

Love it, clear and simple to understand

This need to be listened every single day, highly recommended:)

If I could give this 10 stars I would. I need to listen to this every day. Seriously. Every single day. Just to level set myself. Because you are right. This is hard.

Thank you very much! 🌺😂🌺

Thank you. Excellent!

I found this talk really interesting and very true. Thank you