Jealousy In Relationships

In this podcast we explore how to positively deal with jealousy in any relationship, whether real or not. Jealousy is a common experience, let's delve into it together. (Please note, this is lecture, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast. I'm Dr. Robert Puff. As a clinical psychologist, One of the things that I need to deal with pretty often is jealousy in relationships. It's not as uncommon as you may think, And you may have experienced it yourself. So today we're going to explore what do we do if we're feeling jealousy, And if we're in a relationship where there is something going on, How do we address it? Because the deeper issue here is, As always, Happiness. If we're in a relationship that is causing us to feel jealous, Whether we're causing it ourselves or with our partner, It's not going to lead to happiness. Being jealous and happiness are two things that are hard to hold at the same time. So what do we do with this jealousy, And so that we can find happiness in the here and now? In regards to jealousy, There's really two questions we have to ask ourselves. First, If I'm feeling jealous in the relationship that I'm in, Is there a reason for it? Is there something potentially going on? And the second question we have to ask ourselves is, If there isn't anything going on, Then am I creating jealousy out of nowhere? And if so, Why? If you've been following this podcast for a while, You know that I take a very different stance on things, On how to deal with issues that we're having. And the same is going to be true today. Because the first question we have to ask ourselves is, If I'm experiencing jealousy based upon facts or just something I'm imagining in my mind, Why? You may answer, Well, Because you're cheating on me, Or well, Because, I don't know, I have struggles with jealousy. But a deeper issue, We really want to ask why. And what I mean by that is, Why did we expect things to turn out a certain way? One of the things that is so true that I teach it, I think in almost every podcast, Is that life changes. We may meet our soulmate and fall deeply in love. But because things change, Sometimes that love can end, Or it can change. Or another person may come along and take the other person's interests elsewhere. There's a lot of things in life that can happen that can create jealousy. So the question we want to ask ourselves is, I know that life's going to change. It may, I hope it doesn't, But it may. It has a strong possibility of changing. At the very least, Even if I meet my soulmate that I'm going to spend my life with, One of us probably is going to die first. So if the current relationship that I'm in can change and can end, Then why wouldn't I, One, Be prepared for that and think this is a possibility? It's like buying life insurance. It can happen. So we prepare for it, Our health insurance. It's preparing for the changes that come with life. So when they come, We're not as shocked and we're ready to deal with them appropriately. So knowing that life can change, Even things that we don't want to change, It will have two benefits for us. One is, If we come home one day and we walk into our house and we go into the bedroom and we find our partner in bed with someone else, We won't go into a rage and potentially hurt them or ourselves. It allows us to stay calmer. Mind you, I know we're going to get upset, But instead of getting to the point of rage upset, We'll just say, Okay, This isn't what I expected. This isn't what I wanted, But what am I going to do now versus just going crazy and making choices or reactions that lead towards a very dark path. But a much better aspect of realizing there is change, That life isn't permanent, We're going to stop taking our loved ones for granted. We have a real tendency to think they're always going to be there. I cannot tell you the number of times I work with couples and they're going through a relationship break up, Perhaps even a divorce. And one of the persons who's getting divorced is so upset. They said, I didn't know this would happen. I didn't think this was possible. We made a commitment. But the other person said, Yes, But you are taking the relationship for granted and it wasn't romantic anymore. It wasn't love anymore and I'm moving on. So knowing that a relationship can end at any point, There is a much more deep sense of, I better cherish this moment because tomorrow, I don't know if I'm going to have it. That's what happens when we live in the moment, Realizing that there's change, Nothing is permanent. We really learn to savor each moment because life then becomes a gift instead of an expectation or just something we're supposed to do because we're supposed to do it. When we don't do that, When we just focus on our expectations, I think what happens then is, Which I've also seen, Is someone does have a relationship that ends perhaps in divorce and that person that is divorced or got cheated on hangs onto that resentment for the rest of their lives because they say that shouldn't have happened. Mind you, Being cheated on doesn't feel good. It's painful. But to say that shouldn't have happened is a silly statement. It happens all the time throughout history, Over and over again, Every day to people of all makes and backgrounds, Period. So saying it wouldn't happen to us is silly. It's like saying, I should never die. Guess what? You're probably going to die. It's the same way with jealousy. It doesn't mean our relationships are going to end or our partners are going to cheat on us, But relationships can end. And sometimes partners move on for a lot of different reasons. But what can really help us in our relationship doesn't guarantee it because the tricky thing in relationships is it does take two people to do the thing I'm going to suggest right now. But if both partners do this, The possibility of the relationship lasting longer are better because think of movie, Think of your favorite movie. You may watch it five, 10, Even 20 times, But after a while, You're probably going to get bored by it. We're like that as humans. We like newness, We like change, We like variety. We get bored by the same thing over and over again. So if we learn to see our current relationship as a gift, That's something that can end, Then we're not going to take it for granted. And we're going to work towards savoring each moment because it truly is a gift. And when it ends, Which it may, Relationships end. I've had many relationships over the years that have ended. When they end, We're not as shocked then. We're not as hurt. We may be sad. We may say, Why did this happen? Why did that person move on and find someone else to be with? But we say, Okay, That isn't what I meant. But I realize they were always a gift. I'm thankful for the time I had with them. And now it's time for me to move forward and heal and then perhaps find love again. I live in Southern California, Not too far from the beach. And I love going to the beach and watching the waves come in. They're beautiful. And it's just so pleasant to listen to them, To watch them and to be by the beach, By the waves. But you'd probably think I was a little crazy if I said, I want to possess that wave. I want to take it home and own it and make it mine forever. We can't do that. A wave is an experience that we enjoy in the moment. It's the same way with our relationships. They are experiences that we enjoy in the moment. We really ultimately never possess anyone. Yes, We can get married. We can have legal documents written up and all these things can be in place. But guess what? Relationships sometimes do end. And we can do a lot of things in our power to try to keep that from happening. And yet they still end. So realizing that helps us to not take our current relationship for granted. And if it does end, We're okay. Because we always knew it could. It's like coming over to the beach. We know we can't take that wave home with us. And we may be able to go back and see it again. But maybe not. At least that wave. We'll go back. There will be a different wave, But not that wave. So what happens is, As we really believe in the impermanence of life, And we believe that everyone that comes into our life is a gift, A beautiful gift, We stop taking others for granted. We deeply enjoy each moment that we have with them. But realizing tomorrow, They may not be there. They may meet someone else. They may make a silly choice. And the relationship ends. But what we don't struggle with then, Is jealousy. Whether real or imagined. Either one doesn't matter. Because now what will happen is, If it's unreal, If it's based upon our own fears and anxieties, Taking this approach that I'm talking about in this podcast is the solution to these fears and anxieties, If they're ours. They come from our attachments. As we learn to loosen our attachments, The jealousy dissipates. But if the jealousy is real, Meaning that our partner is cheating on us, Then what we'll do is we'll just make decisions. Good decisions, Right decisions, We'll probably confront them. Say, Hey, Do you want to be with me or with this other person? Or we may say, Because you've been with this other person, I don't want to be with you anymore. It's far more of a decision than a reaction. We won't need to be with them. We'll choose to be with them. And if they have strayed, We can then decide whether we want to continue to be with them or not. It's a lot easier to make these decisions when we're detached. The other person may experience it as not loving them, But the opposite is true. We love them so much. We're able to let them go. We don't need them for our happiness. Our happiness resides within us. It's not in their control. No matter how wonderful they are, They really can't make us happier. And the reverse is true. No matter what dark path they go down, We don't need them for our happiness. Our happiness is within our control, Period. So as we work towards non-attachment, As we work towards savoring each moment deeply and truly seeing the gift of life, Then each moment, Each person that comes into our life will be cherished and we loved for that moment, But it won't be hung on to ever. We just let that person go until the next time. And then we're so excited to see them until the next time. And if someone else comes along, Then we're excited to see them. So we learn to really live in the present, Cherishing the love that we have, Realizing that that love can change, But not needing that love, Because life provides us so many opportunities for relationships, For friendships, For beauty, For experiences. We become super enjoyers. We love so many aspects of life. Our relationship, Our love life is just one of them. It's an important one, But it's one of them. If that one isn't doing well, We have so many other things that we enjoy. Nature, Our friends, Music, Reading, The list can be endless. And it ought to be because then if we discover that our partner has gone down the path of being with someone else, We will be sad. We will grieve, But like leaving the ocean will be okay, Because we know it never was ours. It was always a gift. And now that gift isn't there, But tomorrow, There'll be other things that life will bring us and we'll enjoy them really deeply, Really well. So if we are experiencing jealousy, Just remember the tool to eliminate jealousy is within us. We may need to respond to our partners when they make decisions that are painful, But then it's just a response. It's just a choice. Do we stay or do we leave? Do we confront them? Do we get into therapy? Do we work on this? Or do we not? It's a choice. And the jealousy then isn't something that ever really rears its head, Because we realize there's nothing to be jealous of. If they make the choice to be with someone else, Then that's your choice. And what we do is focus on, Okay, What can I learn from this going forward if I decide to do that? And then we focus on all the beautiful things that life gives us and we enjoy them. We're so thankful for what we had, But we're thankful for what we have too. And yes, There's pain, But the pain doesn't define us anymore. The pain is just a memory. We may remember it, But it's far more like a scar. We see it, But it has no impact on us anymore. Instead, We are working towards living well in the present moment, Savoring life and seeing that because life changes, We take each moment as a gift and we enjoy the moments. And if we string these moments together, That will create a beautiful life that each one of us can have no matter what. Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast. Besides creating this podcast, There are a variety of other things that I do. If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities and perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person, Just go to www. Happinesspodcast. Org. That's happinesspodcast. Org. You can subscribe to my newsletter. And if you do, You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation. And until next time, Accept what is, Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you, Dr. Puff for the insightful perspective.

Hit a nerve.

Absolutely perfect! Helps me with perspective concerning all relationships, with my kids, my parents, friends and aquantences. Good to remember Impermanence!

Very specific, but true way to look at jealousy. Thank you 💚💚

Good. Thank you