"If Only…Then” Three Words That Destroy Our Happiness

When we use the words "If only...then" in our lives, we are putting off our happiness for another time. What if instead, we find our peace and happiness in the here and now. The future may be very different than we hoped for, but the present moment is where we will find our happiness.

(Please note, this is a talk and not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Do you know what the three most powerful words are that can destroy our happiness right here and now?

They are,

If only then.

Why are these three words so destructive for our happiness?

Because the second we say these words,

We're putting our happiness off.

It isn't here right now.

It's in the future when something will happen.

One of my big if onlys that I used to struggle with in the past was,

If only I could get my PhD,

Then everything would be great.

And you know what happened when I got my PhD?

Nothing.

But thankfully,

Along the way,

I had learned this lesson far before I got my PhD.

And I started living and stopped waiting until someday I got my PhD.

Because I knew it wouldn't make any difference.

I remember once when I was still an undergraduate studying psychology,

My professor of psychology who had his PhD,

Well,

He and I were sitting in his office and having a conversation.

And I remember telling him how busy I was trying to keep my grades up so I could get into a PhD program when I graduated.

And I was involved in a couple clubs.

I was president of one club,

Vice president of another.

I worked out every day to reduce my stress.

And I even audited classes here and there because I wanted to learn things,

But I couldn't fit them in my schedule.

So my schedule was really full.

But I realized at that point,

It was one of those major moments in your life when you think someday may not be better than today.

Because I knew my professor was wrong.

He couldn't be busier than I was.

But his life was still full and packed with activities.

And I'm sure in his mind he was waiting until the day his children grew up and he didn't have to work as hard.

So his if only was in the future too.

And I realized at that point,

I needed to change.

And I did.

It took me time.

It took me effort.

But I really began on changing my life.

Because I knew the future was precarious.

It was unpredictable.

And it may not be better.

Even the things that I thought would make a difference may not make a difference at all.

Let me give you some examples to illustrate this.

I think a lot of people in life want to meet their soulmate.

Someone they can spend their life with and live happily ever after.

If only they could find their soulmate,

Then their life would just be wonderful.

I mean the movies show it all the time.

Two people fall in love and they live happily ever after.

Well the truth is that that doesn't always work out that way.

And even people that are in love have bumps here and there.

So I think we have to be careful that if only we meet our soulmates,

Then we're going to be happy.

That so often doesn't work out.

I mean in the United States,

About 50% of people get divorced.

If that if only worked,

Wouldn't everyone just live happily ever after?

It's not that we can't have a happy life with our partner.

But we best have a happy life before our partner and if they leave after our partner too.

Then we will be living much better.

Here's another one.

So many couples just can't wait to have their first or second or even third child.

They so badly want that child and to begin their life.

If only they could have that child.

Then life will be perfect.

It'll be wonderful.

Well if you know parents,

And many parents of course love their kids,

But parenting is a lot of work.

It's a 24-7 day a week job.

And unless you're able to financially hire someone or send your kids to school or have family members that will help out,

It can be utterly exhausting.

Most parents,

Even moms that stay home and wanted to stay home their entire life,

Can be exhausted by the time Friday comes and they get a little break.

Because parenting is exhausting at times.

So even though parents get their if only,

They find out later that the then isn't as great as they thought it would be.

And sometimes having those kids shift to if only I can get these kids raised and out of the house,

Then my life can begin.

Isn't it funny how one if only shifts to a completely different if only?

It's amazing the power if our if onlys really take away from our happiness right here,

Right now.

Here's an incredibly common example that I think a lot of people get stuck on.

If only I can retire someday,

Then I can travel the world,

Relax,

Read books,

Go fishing,

Hang out with my friends,

Fill in the blank.

And everything will be wonderful.

Have you ever heard that before?

Have you ever thought that before?

I bet you have.

And then what happens?

Well,

If we've lived long enough,

We all know the stories.

I had a relative of mine who was so excited to retire and his job was just metaphorically and realistically killing him.

So he was going to get a motor home and he and his wife were going to travel around the United States.

They actually purchased it.

Unfortunately,

When he retired,

He got sick within the month and then struggled fighting cancer for a couple of years.

And then he passed.

And I think he actually only went on one or two trips with his motor home.

And that was it.

Mostly he was just going to doctor's appointments and trying to heal his body,

Which he wasn't able to do.

I mean,

I know,

Of course,

It's a very sad story.

But often what happens is when we reach retirement,

Our bodies just aren't in as good a shape,

Particularly if we haven't been taking care of ourselves.

And those thrills of climbing Mount Everest or traveling around Europe just don't come to fruition because now we're in a scooter or a wheelchair to get around or having a lot of medical issues.

So we have to go to doctor's appointments so we can't get away.

Again,

There's nothing wrong with any of these goals.

Wanting to get our Ph.

D.

,

Wanting to get married and find our soulmate,

Wanting to have children,

Wanting to retire.

You too probably have a lot of if onlys then.

But the key of it is there just aren't guarantees that it will make any difference when we get there.

It may not even be better.

It could possibly be worse.

And in the interim,

Guess what?

We're missing out on living right here,

Right now.

That's the big problem.

And that's why these three words,

If only then,

Destroy our happiness.

Because it keeps us in the future and not in the here and now.

And the problem with the future is a lot of things can happen when that future arrives.

We really just don't know if anything's going to work.

We may make more money.

We may find someone we love.

But we don't know.

And even if we do well,

We just don't know how our health is going to be.

There's just so many factors that can affect the future.

A far better and safer and effective approach to happiness is to say,

Right here,

Right now,

What can I do to find joy?

What can I do to find happiness?

While at the same time working towards my goals.

There's nothing wrong with goals.

Goals do improve our life.

Let's say right now we're living in a very small apartment.

And we have neighbors that are noisy and we just wish we had our own place with our own yard.

Well,

Moving up in our career or going back to school and getting trained so that we can make more money can be wonderful.

And we can then buy a better,

Bigger home.

Perhaps a place in a safer neighborhood for our kids.

But the thing we have to be careful of,

We just don't know.

We don't know if we'll reach our goal.

We may not.

We may.

But we don't know even when we get there if it will make any difference at all.

I mean,

We may retire and miss our friends,

Our colleagues,

Or miss the sense of purpose that we had when we had our job.

Because now we may have time to do anything we want.

But we don't have purpose anymore.

So any phase of our life can have challenges.

The key is to focus on this phase right now and make it work as best we can.

If we're a student,

We do our work,

We study our classes,

But we try to take classes that we enjoy.

We try to enjoy the environment that we're in,

The classes that we're taking and what we're learning.

We try to do activities like extracurricular activities that bring us joy.

We try to connect with friends that create happiness in our lives right here,

Right now.

Realizing that someday we'll have other responsibilities and we'll deal with them then.

But right now our focus is on not waiting until someday we graduate,

But enjoying being a student.

And when we have kids,

It's the same thing.

We enjoy raising our kids and being with them,

Realizing at some point they won't be living with us.

And then we'll enjoy that journey.

And then when we get older and we retire,

Even though we may not have the vigor that we used to have,

There's lots of other things we do have.

And so we enjoy them.

We create purpose.

We create meaning.

We create happiness right here,

Right now,

Whatever situation we are in.

Not someday when this is over or someday when I reach this goal,

Then I'll find happiness.

No.

Happiness is right here,

Right now.

That's where we find it.

Never in the future and not in the past.

It's right here,

Right now.

So if we aren't experiencing much happiness in our life right here,

Right now,

How do we change that?

What could we do differently?

What things could we change to put a smile on our heart and say,

I enjoyed today.

It was a good day.

These little things created value in my life,

Created joy in my life.

And I'm so grateful that I'm finding ways throughout the day to enjoy my day.

But I'm going to warn you,

Unless we work on this,

Those if only thens will creep in.

So we have to be vigilant.

We have to pay attention.

And do you know one of the reasons they're so powerful?

Because throughout the day,

We're being brainwashed with if only then it can come through conversations we're having with our friends.

It can come through the media and what we listen to because it sells.

I mean,

If you have an old car that works but isn't very pretty,

And then you read about an ad that says,

Oh,

If you have this car,

Then your life will be wonderful and everyone will be so envious of you.

It's very tricky.

Another big one is if only you can lose 25 or 100 pounds,

Whatever it may be,

Then you can blank,

Blank,

Blank,

Fill in the blank.

The media uses this all the time and it works.

So we have to be super careful with whether we're listening to it or whether we're saying it in our head.

Because this is the path of suffering.

It may make marketers money,

But it isn't going to create any happiness in our hearts.

So when we see it,

When we notice that we're either hearing it in our head or we're getting exposed to it through a conversation with another person or through the media,

Whatever it may be,

We say,

No,

I'm going to start participating in these thoughts,

In these conversations,

And I'm going to instead focus on right here,

Right now,

What can I do to make this moment a beautiful moment?

And if we really work on this and stop feeding the if onlys,

What will happen with time,

We will live far more in the present moment.

And when the next moment comes,

We'll be ready for that one.

And instead of waiting and waiting until that if only,

Which never comes,

We'll realize that right here,

Right now,

I can have all the joy and happiness that I want.

I just need to be present and I need to be very careful of the if only thens.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you 🙏🏻

My fav

Thank you for sharing this so obvious but so often forgotten wisdom. I am deeply grateful for the reminder.

Wonderful. I live in UK and decided to replace my morning radio news with those short podcasts. At the time when we have so much uncertainty, people turn on each other, fight for fuel, struggle with basic things like getting doctors appointments, those recordings help me refocus. I am truly grateful.

Thank you 🙏