How To Stop The Hurt (When Others Hurt You)

When someone hurts you, it's natural to want to lash out and hurt them back. However, this reaction is often counterproductive and can lead to more hurt and conflict. Here are some strategies you can use to resist the urge to retaliate when someone has wronged you.

Transcript

Welcome to the happiness podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

None of us get through life without being hurt by someone else.

The question is,

What do we do with that hurt?

When I was in my first year of university,

I had a class,

An art class,

And so there was a lot of time just to sit and talk as we were doing projects.

But one of the guys in the class that I didn't know shared a story how his roommate had really taken advantage of him and it hurt him.

It hurt him a lot.

It made him mad.

It made him upset and it just really bothered him.

I don't remember the exact details of what his roommate did,

But he had to find a new roommate and get a new place,

Which he did.

I thought what had happened to him was sad and I felt sorry for him that he had to go through that ordeal.

But then towards the end of the semester,

Something really strange happened that surprised me.

He ended up getting in a similar situation with his roommate,

But this time the roles were reversed and he was actually hurting his roommate.

I was really surprised by it because I knew how much it hurt him when his roommate did that to him.

So I asked him about it and he said,

Well,

That's just the way life is and now he'll learn his lessons like I had to learn mine.

I was very surprised by his response because he was so open about it and yet I knew it caused him so much pain when it happened to him.

So why would he do it to another person?

And over the years,

I've seen this response many,

Many times,

As I'm sure you have too,

Where someone is hurt and they go on and hurt someone else because they were hurt and often not the person that hurt them,

But just another random person that they hurt because they have hurt inside of them.

One of the saddest examples I ever saw of this is when I was asked by another professional who was leading a support group for teenagers that had been molested by a family member and participate in the group,

Helping them and supporting them in ways that I could.

He wanted my help because he knew I was really into kindness and sadly some of the kids were really struggling being kind towards their peers.

There was a lot of vitriol,

A lot of cruelty,

A lot of putting each other down and it was very sad to watch.

Thankfully,

I was able to give some of the kids a little insight into why it was happening and how to stop it.

And I was very happy to receive a text after it was over from one of the participants thanking me for giving her insights into why people acted the way they did sometimes.

So why do we,

When we're hurt,

Hurt others?

And as importantly,

How do we not do that?

In many ways,

It's very simple.

Watch the little children.

When one of their friends hits them,

Pushes them,

Knocks them down,

They'll push,

Hurt or knock them down back.

But the second thing happens too and that's where,

Think of a person who's having a bad day at work and they're at work.

There's nothing they can do about it.

If they lash out because they're being attacked or being ridiculed,

They'll lose their job.

And so they'll come home and they may lash out at their spouse or at their kids or kick the dog or kick the cat because they're frustrated because they're having a bad day.

And they want to take out that frustration and they take it on on people that haven't caused them any suffering.

And then the cycle continues because now they look in the mirror and say,

What kind of person am I that I would treat another person like this?

And the self-loathing when we hurt others can be astronomically overwhelming.

So that's where we want to learn what can we do instead of hurting others when we're hurting.

So I want to cover seven things that we can do to stop hurting others when we're hurting.

The first thing we do is we acknowledge our feelings.

It's important to admit,

Yes,

I'm hurt.

Yes,

I'm angry.

If we suppress it,

It becomes like Mount St.

Helen where it's going to explode later.

We have to be in touch with our feelings.

It doesn't mean we have to act on them,

But we need to acknowledge I'm hurting right now.

I'm angry right now.

Let's start with that.

Then we take some time to cool down.

Is there ever a time where you really can remember where you lashed out in anger impulsively and later felt really good about it and continue to feel good about it to this day?

Probably not if we're honest.

When we lash out at others with our anger,

It just causes more damage and more pain.

It's better to take some time to cool down.

And one of my favorite techniques that I talk a lot about on this podcast is removing yourself from the situation where you're feeling angry and around other people.

Because there's just that tendency when we're angry to lash out at someone.

And if we take time to cool down first,

We'll see a lot better result.

It can mean when we're driving and someone does something that's very upsetting and makes us angry,

Maybe pulling over for a little bit and taking some deep breaths and calming.

Or if we're on the phone or with someone that says something that makes us angry,

Just say,

Oh,

Excuse me,

I needed to go to the bathroom.

And then remove yourself.

Step outside.

Do something that gives yourself a break.

Because often when we take that break,

What we find is that anger,

That tendency to lash out on others dissipates.

And we're so glad when we don't do that.

Taking a break is truly one of the best things that we can do.

And I really think when we don't take out our anger on other peoples and we take a break when we need to,

We're just going to feel so much better about ourselves.

Because now we're going to see ourselves as a kind person.

And truthfully,

We all really like kind people.

They're just so much pleasant to be around.

And let's be one of those pleasant people.

Okay,

The next thing we can do is consider the situation.

What do I mean by that?

It's stepping outside of ourselves and trying to see it from the other person's perspective.

Why did they hurt us?

Was it intentional or unintentional?

Was it a one-time thing or part of a larger pattern?

Understanding the other person's behavior can help us make better choices,

Not to lash out,

But better choices of how to respond.

Now it may mean setting up boundaries with them.

It may mean just talking with them.

It may mean letting it go because we realize it was just a misunderstanding.

It may mean setting up stricter boundaries where we don't spend as much time with them because they're hurtful.

And sometimes it may mean ending a relationship with that person because that person just consistently hurts us.

But the key of it is to really consider the situation and what's going on,

Not making impulsive decisions and hurting back or hurting someone else with our anger.

The next thing to do is focus on communication.

Once we've calmed down,

Let's talk with a person who hurt us and try to figure out what's going on.

One of my favorite things to do,

It really works well too,

Not always,

But often it works pretty well.

If a person is upset at me and I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to make them upset,

I'll ask them,

Is everything okay?

And they'll say,

Oh,

Why do you ask?

I said,

Well,

It just seems like perhaps you might be upset and I was just wondering if everything was okay.

And you know,

I bet 70 to 80% of the time I get a response that what they did had nothing to do with me.

Or it was just a misunderstanding or it was something I was doing that I wasn't aware was hurting them.

There's a lot of explanations and that's where good communication can help alleviate and solve problems with another person or at least within your own heart.

One of the best examples I have of this is I was driving to work one day and part of the path that I take to work is a bit windy and bikes ride on it and I have to share the road with them.

Well,

What I try to do when they're there,

Because they don't go as fast as my car,

Is I'll go around them when I feel it's safe.

So I did that with this woman.

And then as soon as I got around her,

I had to put on the brakes fairly quickly because I was going faster because there was construction up ahead.

And then she got past me,

Stopped at the construction too,

And kind of got off her bike and just started screaming at me,

Calling me every expletive that you can think of.

She was really mad.

I didn't say anything.

I just sat in my car.

And then when it was over and we were able to go,

I actually came up to the guy that was there holding the stop sign.

I said,

Did I do something wrong?

Because I wasn't aware that I did anything wrong.

He said,

Well,

You just scared me because you were coming kind of fast.

I know you didn't see my stop sign because you're going around a corner,

But I think it scared her.

And that's why she was yelling at you so strongly.

So we do make mistakes,

But we don't have to participate in it.

We don't have to get in those altercations with other people just because they're upset.

Okay,

The next thing we can do,

Which I think is really important for our own personal health,

Is practice forgiveness.

It doesn't mean condoning the other person's behavior or forgetting what they did,

But it does mean letting go of our anger and our resentment so that we can move on.

Forgiveness is a process and it takes time.

But if we're patient with ourselves and allow ourselves to forgive at our own pace,

We'll find that forgiveness is one of the most freeing things we can do in life.

Again,

Another story.

I was working with a woman once and she gave me permission to talk about this,

But she had gone through horrific,

Horrific childhood experiences.

I mean,

Just horrifying.

But she realized after working with me for quite a while that what she needed to do to find the heal was to forgive her perpetrators.

Not forget what they did,

But forgive them.

Forgiveness is key to the process of not hurting others.

If we hang on to hurt,

If we hang on to our anger,

There's a tendency,

Not a guarantee,

But a tendency to lash out on others that we love or we don't mean to hurt.

So forgiveness is probably one of the most crucial steps in the process of when people hurt us,

Moving on.

And then we can seek support.

It's not easy getting through life sometimes.

Sometimes people are just mean.

And having someone to talk to,

Like a counselor,

Like a friend,

A family member,

That we can say,

Hey,

This is what happened.

It made me very upset.

It really hurt my feelings.

And letting those feelings out in the presence of another can be so cathartic in healing.

I think this can be particularly crucial when we've gone through real traumatic events,

Like a childhood trauma,

A divorce,

Or something that caused us deep wounds inside our heart that need to be healed.

Seeking support to get through this is very helpful and often critical.

And then lastly,

We have to focus on being well.

We have to take care of ourselves through the difficult times,

Making sure we get enough sleep,

Eating healthy,

Regular exercise.

These things we do to keep us strong through the difficult times.

When we are hurting,

Self-care is critical.

Of course,

It's always critical,

But we're better.

We respond better to situations when we're doing self-care.

Because when we're stressed,

When we're anxious,

We react.

When we're doing well,

We tend to respond.

We take that break,

We cool down,

And we say,

What's the best choice here?

And that's where self-care throughout our lives is critical.

And then one last thing in regards to focusing on our well-being,

Is be especially careful of substances,

Any form,

When we're not doing well.

Because what substances do,

Like alcohol or whatever it may be,

They take away our self-control.

And things that we would never do,

We can do when we're taking a substance.

So if we know we have a lot of hurt inside of us,

That is really important time to say,

I need to stay away from all substances that can change my mood.

I need to be careful.

But if we follow these steps,

If we take time to stop the hurt with us,

Even though yes,

We're all going to encounter it,

But we're going to stop it with us,

Then we'll find we're going to be contributing to making our world a better place.

And so that other people,

When they experience this,

Will experience kindness,

Will experience joy,

Will experience love.

Because our hearts are filled with it.

Because we know how to heal from hurt.

And we know how now not to pass it on.

We truly can have beautiful lives.

It does take work.

It does take effort.

But it is so worth it.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Very pleasant and extremely helpful. Thank you so much.

Another perfect podcast to listen. I love your message of kindness. It spits me.

Thank you 🙏