How To Respond To Meanness & Unkindness

Sometimes as we travel through life, we experience acts of meanness that can take our breath away. In this podcast, we explore 3 healthy responses to this unkindness. (Please note, this is a lecture, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

When I was younger,

I had the goal of running in one marathon.

I've never been a fan of long distance running,

But I wanted to run at least one marathon,

So I did.

It was the LA Marathon.

I definitely didn't set any records,

But I'm glad I did it,

Though I only did it once.

Once was definitely enough for me.

But because the LA Marathon was such a big marathon,

I think there were 20,

000 people running with me.

When the race started,

Muhammad Ali,

Remember the very famous boxer,

Was standing there waving at everyone.

It was really nice to see him,

Though I doubt he had any idea who I was amongst those 20,

000.

Well,

If you don't know much about Muhammad Ali,

You probably know he was a boxer,

And he was a really good boxer.

At one point,

He was the world champ.

Well,

When I was in college my very first year,

I decided to try boxing.

So I took it up and learned how to box a little bit and had one fight,

And that was enough.

I survived,

But barely.

Now let me paint a story that never would have happened.

Imagine when Muhammad Ali was a world champ at his peak,

And I had taken my few lessons at boxing if I had gotten in a ring with him.

How long do you think I would have lasted?

A second?

Maybe a little longer if I could have avoided his punches,

But it would have been avoidance,

Not engaging.

If I had engaged,

I would have been toast.

I think this is very clear,

Mostly because he had trained and trained really well and got excellent at boxing.

And though there are different degrees of boxing level,

Most boxers after they train get better at it because their training helps them through their experience to get better.

And if a boxer takes on anyone like you and I who have never boxed or boxed very little,

We again wouldn't last very long because we're not trained to box,

And they are.

So I think most of us would agree not to get in a fight with a professional boxer.

We're going to lose.

It's not going to go well.

And now I want to share another story with you.

I don't know if you saw it.

I probably wouldn't normally see a movie like this,

But because it won best picture and because it was about a psychologist,

I wanted to see it.

It was called Silence of the Lamb,

And the two main actors in it were Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster.

Well,

If you haven't seen it,

The main premise is of the psychiatrist who's in a prison because he has done horrific crimes in the past.

Well,

There's one part in the movie where Jodie goes visits his prisoner and has a talk with him.

When I was watching their dialogue,

I was appalled and shocked because the way Anthony Hopkins in his role attacked Jodie in her role through the use of psychological tools was something I'd never seen before.

He had taken the best skills that I had learned and turned it into something in many ways we could almost call evil.

He was trying with his psychological skills to hurt Jodie,

Not to help her.

And it was amazingly effective.

He was very good at what he did.

I could understand what he did,

Though I couldn't imagine in a million years ever doing what he did because I had never been trained to turn my skills into something that hurts people.

My skill and training applies to helping people,

Not hurting.

But in this situation,

Everything was reversed.

And in the role,

Anthony was able to use his skills,

His insights,

His brilliance to hurt another person in truly mean and cruel ways.

And remember how I said earlier,

Would you or I,

I sure wouldn't,

Ever get in a ring with Muhammad Ali and fight him?

Of course not.

That would be silly because I would lose.

You might too.

I don't know.

You might be a better boxer than I am.

But I think most of us wouldn't do well in that boxing ring with Muhammad Ali when he was at his peak.

Well,

The same is true in regards to Dr.

Hannibal Lecter,

Who was being played by Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lamb.

Even though I understand what he was doing,

And probably could even understand what he's doing to me in an argument with him,

I would lose.

I would lose horribly because I don't know how to fight like he does.

I don't know how to pull out from my bag of tricks,

Mean,

Cruel things to say to hurt people.

I only know how to do things that are loving and kind.

That's what I've been trained at.

That's what I develop.

And that's what I like to do.

So if I got in a verbal or mental fight with Hannibal,

I would definitely lose.

And probably most of us would.

At least I hope so.

So the question today is,

What does this have to do with happiness?

Well,

As we go through life,

No matter how nice,

No matter how kind we are,

We're going to run into people that aren't like us,

And they're going to try to hurt us.

They're going to say things that really can take our breath away.

And we have to decide at that point,

Do we want to engage with them or not?

Because guess what?

They're often,

And usually very good at what they do.

They have spent a good part of their life learning how to be cruel and mean.

And hopefully we haven't.

So because of that,

Would it be wise for us to get in a fight with them,

To come up with ways to say things back to them,

To hurt them back or to shut them down,

Even if we're not trying to hurt them?

I think we'll find that we'll lose.

I want to share two examples that just happened to me while on vacation this summer to England.

Well,

The first one happened when I was at LAX waiting to board my plane.

I was in a great mood because I was going on vacation and I like going on vacation.

Well,

As I was waiting in line to order some food,

There was a man in front of me and he was getting very upset at the person behind the counter actually yelling at her because he thought she was yelling at him.

And I said,

Oh,

I actually don't think she's yelling at you.

I think that's just the way she speaks because she was from a different culture.

And he stopped and she smiled at me and we went on.

Well,

When we got to the register,

We both ordered the same pizza and he was really upset and getting angry at the person that was checking him out saying,

I don't like this pizza.

It's burnt.

I don't want it.

And he started saying some mean things to her.

So I offered politely if he wanted to change with me,

I would take his pizza and he could have mine.

And then he started yelling at me.

So I said,

Well,

I'm just trying to help.

And I walked away after I paid for my pizza.

Well,

Then I went and found my family,

Sat down with them and I was telling them what had happened.

And guess what?

That guy literally found me in the airport and came right up to me,

Looked me in the face and said,

You stay out of my business.

You can go to blank.

And he said it with a lot of hate and passion.

I was so shocked.

I just didn't say anything,

Which I normally think is a good approach.

And he left.

Well,

As you can probably imagine,

I was rather shocked.

It felt like Muhammad Ali had hit me in the stomach and taking my breath away.

Thankfully,

I recovered quickly because I realized he must have been having a really bad day because I knew in my heart,

I was trying to help and he didn't like that.

He didn't like me.

I don't think he liked anything at that airport at that point.

So we are going to run into people like that.

There are people out there that get really good at spewing hate and meanness.

Let me share a second example.

When we were in London,

We were getting on the underground,

Which is our subway.

And as you probably know,

In most subways,

They can be quite busy.

Well,

When we get on this one,

There was a lady who was leaning against the pole right at the entrance where you get on and her feet were spread out like a V.

And I was carefully trying to avoid her feet because they were just spread out there and she just had sandals on.

And she says,

In a not kind way,

Watch my feet or something like that.

Don't step on my feet.

But it was pretty intense.

And I responded,

Oh,

I'm trying not to.

Well,

Then she said something.

I really actually don't remember what she said,

But the gist of it was don't talk to her in a really cruel and mean way.

Things like this happen so fast.

So I don't know why I even said anything.

But like I said,

Things happen very fast in these situations.

So I said,

Don't talk to me that way.

And then I truly don't remember what she said.

I probably suppressed it,

But it was horrible.

I mean,

Both my kids looked at me like,

Oh my goodness,

Is that what she just said?

And I just stood behind her until she got off at the next stop.

And it was shocking.

It was like,

Take my breath away again.

Muhammad Ali had struck me in the stomach as hard as possible.

And I was out for the count.

She was good at what she did.

Now I could have at that point chosen to engage with her and maybe said something back again,

But I'm sure if I had,

She would have stomped my head into the ground metaphorically with her words.

The same thing was true at the guy at the airport.

If I had followed him after he left,

When he said for me to go to you know where I would have got my head stomped into the ground again,

Because these people are very good at being mean and cruel.

They have spent years perfecting the skill.

I haven't,

They're going to win.

They're going to beat the snot out of me if I choose to engage with them.

So when we meet people like this,

Doesn't it seem silly to engage?

Because one,

We're going to lose.

I mean,

They're really good at it and we're not.

But two,

Do we want to even enter that world?

I mean,

Clearly their worlds must be incredibly unhappy.

I mean,

If you've listened to this podcast before,

You know I've worked with people that have had some miserable lives.

And the ones that I have found that say they always get people back and are very cruel to others are by far,

By far the most miserable people I've ever worked with.

But I do think in these situations,

It feels right.

Like we want to say something back.

We want to get them back because they're hurting us.

They're hurting our feelings.

But like I said,

I think what we're going to find is we're going to lose.

They have truly perfected throughout their lives how to come back with anything we can throw at them.

We're not going to win.

They're going to find far better ways of hurting us.

So I think we have three options in these situations that we can do instead in order to find our happiness.

They keep our hearts in a good place even when we all face these because we all face these sooner or later.

If we interact with people,

We're going to face these and they're often going to come very quickly,

Very fast.

And it's good to have something in place,

An algorithm,

A thing that we can do or say when these situations happen so that we avoid engaging with them and get punched even harder.

Well,

The simplest and I think often very effective tool is to just say nothing and walk away.

Just let it end with you.

It's over.

If we don't engage with them,

We're not entering their dark world.

I mean,

Truly,

Do you want to enter that world?

Do we want to give them our energy?

Because their world is dark.

It is so sad.

It has so much pain in it.

Wouldn't it be better just to walk away and say nothing or remain silent?

I think that's a good one.

Probably one that most of us should implement.

It's simple.

It's easy to do and we can do it anytime.

Just go quiet and if possible,

Walk away.

The next two,

Though are good,

We have to be a little careful with because sometimes no matter what we say,

Even speaking words can elicit another barrage of being verbally punched.

One option is just to simply say bless you or peace you.

It shows we're not letting them take us down with them and we actually are showing them a little love.

Mind you,

This may make them angrier.

So if we choose to say this,

We have to realize they may again verbally punch us.

And the third option I would say for people that we care about,

You know,

Because sometimes we're having a bad day and our loved ones say something to us that is hurtful,

Sometimes even mean,

And we want to respond.

So one response we can say for our loved ones is perhaps just saying ouch,

That hurt.

That's it.

Just ouch,

That hurt.

Because with loved ones,

They may hear that and be able to calm down and do better.

I've tried all three of these.

I find all three of them effective,

But by far my favorite is to just get quiet.

After I realize that something I've done has made this person super angry and now being mean to me,

It is probably best for me just to be quiet.

And if it's a loved one,

They typically calm down and figure it out.

And if it isn't,

It's over quickly and I can go on to my life and I don't have to enter their world at all.

It usually passes very quickly because I just let it go.

Now what may be helpful after these events happen is of course share it with people just so we can get it off our chest and not let it build up inside because they can say some things that can be very hurtful.

But sharing is a good way of getting it off our chest.

But our main goal is just to let it go,

Realizing that we don't have to understand why they said that to us.

Their lives,

We're sure,

Are not going well.

And let's just not enter that world.

We may pray for them.

We may send them peace or love,

But we're not going to enter their world and get in a verbal fight with them because we haven't developed those skills.

We will lose.

And even if we don't lose,

I think it's a dark path to enter.

Far,

Far better just to go on our way,

Live our lives well and let it go.

Because no matter what,

No matter who we have to deal with,

We can have beautiful lives now.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

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And until next time,

Love what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Very gentle and positive. Thank you (and apologies for my fellow Brits). Hope you enjoyed your holiday here!

Thank you for this very practical and helpful guidance. This helped me to stop thinking of how to respond and move on. Peace be with you.

So well said. Very wise. I am going to do my best to apply it from now on. Only a few days ago something similar to the exemples here has happened to me. I didn't say much. I just listened. Now I have the confirmation that it was the best approach. Thank you.

Beautiful message, perfectly implemented. Thank you so much.

Thank you for this talk - I find mean and angry people upsetting and am taken by surprise and don’t respond. Selfishness and thoughtlessness is another. But t I am upset for quite awhile afterwards and need to learn to shrug it off more quickly. I appreciate your advice. 🌻🙏

Practical knowledge for everyday upsets in order to remain and respond in love

Thank you for the helpful advice 😊😍🤗

Great advice! Thank you!❤

True! Thank you for another great talk!

Always enjoy your talks Dr. Puff. This is great advice & I would agree (although challenging) to just walk away. Thank you for a great talk!🙏🏼💞✨💫

Thank you. Some wonderful example of how people can be incredibly mean. Will take your advise and use it in the future. Thank you very much.

I needed this today and it helped thanks 🙏

Beautiful life path to travel with directions given.Thanks

Brilliant. Thankyou

Thank you for sharing your light! ✨

As always, I get something valuable from Dr. Puff’s podcasts. Thank you!

Excellent! I will share this and check out the Happiness Podcast site. I'm so glad that I listened this morning. Soooo good!

I really like this one as I think we have all experienced this sort of thing. I listen to all Dr Puffs talks. No matter the subject, his possitivity is uplifting! Thank you 😊