How To Be Happy

How to be happy: It's not about having wonderful experiences; it's about flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings. We tend to focus on changing our external circumstances instead of changing our hearts. (Please note, this is a talk, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

There's a lot of different ways we explore happiness together.

How to have a happy life.

But today I want to talk about perhaps the key component of a happy life.

It's not about having wonderful experiences.

It's about flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings.

I want to repeat that because it's critically important.

It's not about having wonderful experiences.

It's about flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings.

99,

If not 100% of our energy is going to go towards changing our external world so that we like the way our life is going.

There's a real propensity to think,

If things were different,

My life would be going better.

And when I'm having wonderful experiences,

Then all is well.

At least for that moment.

And I know I have wonderful experiences so my focus,

My energy is going to be going towards 1.

Trying to recreate them and 2.

Sustain them all the time.

But why doesn't this work?

Because we really think it ought to.

I mean that's why so often people sacrifice so much to get things going a certain way.

And then they'll believe that life will be wonderful because once everything's going wonderfully,

My life's going to be going well.

But there's some big problems with this approach to life.

The biggest one is we can't control a lot of things external in our world.

We can influence them a bit but control them completely.

Absolutely not.

For example,

We may make it our goal to find our soulmate.

Someone that if we fall in love with them and they fall in love with us,

We will live happily ever after.

And sometimes it works for a little while.

We have wonderful experiences with this person.

We fall in love and then we get married.

And then life begins to happen.

Things change.

We have kids.

We have stressors.

There's illnesses.

There's fights.

There's arguments.

There's perhaps affairs.

And what seemed so wonderful before isn't wonderful anymore.

So that didn't work.

So then we try to find someone else that might replace that.

Or I think here in the United States there's a real tendency,

Not with everyone but with a lot of people,

If they make enough money then all will be well.

Because then they can have all the wonderful experiences they want.

They can travel the world.

They can have great meals.

They can just have a blast.

And yet we all know people,

Hundreds of people if not thousands that we can read about or personally know that have lots of things.

But happiness isn't one of them.

Because when we look for external experiences that make us happy,

The problem with it is there are just so many different factors that can change that can make that external experience very quickly unpleasant.

We may be able to spend $10,

000 on a business class ticket to somewhere overseas like Europe.

And it will be wonderful.

But then when we get to the airport,

Our flights delayed or perhaps even cancelled.

And when we get there,

Our luggage doesn't show up and ends up in a different country and we don't have it for the first three days.

And all of a sudden this wonderful experience isn't wonderful anymore.

In the last few years,

Hollywood has made several movies about famous musicians.

From Elton John to Freddie Mercury to Aretha Franklin and more recently to Elvis Presley.

I mean Elvis Presley,

If you know,

Is considered the king of rock and roll.

That's amazing!

Can you imagine the wonderful experiences he had coming from a fairly normal background?

He wasn't rich.

He wasn't powerful.

He just went from a singer to a world class icon of rock and roll.

And if you watched the movie,

Yes he had some wonderful experiences.

But I think we would all say his life overall wasn't wonderful.

There was a lot of tragedy.

There was a lot of pain.

And there was a lot of suffering.

So if wonderful experiences worked,

People like Elvis Presley would be one of the happiest people who ever lived on our planet.

And sadly,

He wasn't.

He was a superb musician.

So I do not in any way want to denigrate his life.

But I wish he had been happier because I think his life was hard.

So if it isn't wonderful experiences that is going to make our lives great,

What is?

What is is flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings.

And this is a hard thing to do.

But if we get it,

It is truly magnificent.

How we do this is very simple.

It's just very challenging to do.

Because what we have to do is stop focusing in on what's happening externally and trying to control this or change the external circumstances and instead put far more energy towards changing the way I'm experiencing and interacting with what's happening.

And working towards making whatever is coming my way something that I find wonderful.

Now your initial response might be,

This is crazy.

How do people do that?

That doesn't make any sense.

You've got to control the external.

People will abuse you.

They'll take advantage of you.

And you've got to make changes to control your world.

I know.

This is what almost everyone does and thinks is the solution to their unhappiness.

The problem with it is there's just so many things we cannot control.

Of course,

We can influence things.

Yes,

That is true.

So if we go to a restaurant,

And it's a nice restaurant that we have reservations at,

And they sit us at a table that we don't like.

Perhaps it's next to the servers where they come in and out of.

We want to sit somewhere else.

We can talk to the major D and say,

We have a different table.

And sometimes they'll be able to accommodate us and sometimes they won't.

It's when they won't or they can't.

That's where the trouble can arise.

Because at that point,

When it really can't be changed,

That's where we have to make decisions.

Do I want to be miserable?

Do I want to be upset?

Do I want to hit my head against the wall?

Because it's not going to change.

Again,

We're at the airport and our flight's canceled.

There's nothing we're going to do to make that pilot get on that plane and fly it.

We have to figure out a different alternative to get where we're going.

Or if we go to the doctors and the doctor says,

Guess what?

You have stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

We can get mad,

We can kick,

And we can scream.

But nonetheless,

That cancer is there.

And now we have to make decisions about what we're going to do.

We may come home one day and our spouse approaches us and says,

I'm done.

I'm leaving.

This is over.

We can kick,

We can scream,

We can get upset.

We can beg,

We can plead,

We can make promises.

But if our partner's done,

They're done.

That's the one thing we can't control.

But it's about what can we control.

What we can control is our response to the cancer.

Our response to being asked for a divorce.

Those are the things we can control.

So the first thing we realize is what we're in control of.

We are somewhat in control of external circumstances.

Sometimes we can cure that cancer.

Sometimes,

Through our behavior and our choices,

We can woo our partner back and have them fall in love with us again.

Sometimes we can.

But there are many,

Many things we cannot control.

If someone we love passes and dies,

We're not going to bring them back from the death.

I think where it gets a little tricky,

There are ways so that we can change things a bit.

For example,

If our partner does leave us,

What we can do is work towards finding someone else to be with.

That's what we can do.

But perhaps right now,

At this moment,

There isn't anyone in our lives.

So then we have to say,

Do I want to be miserable until I find my next person I get to spend my life with?

Or do I instead want to find joy and happiness in this moment as a single person?

That's what we do have control over.

But the problem with this thing,

Our ability to perhaps influence the future,

Is all our energy goes towards that.

So we're thinking about,

When this changes,

When this happens,

All will be well again.

And there's a sense of anticipation of happiness being in the future instead of right now.

Wouldn't it be better to put our energy towards being happy now instead of someday when this happens,

I'll be happy?

So the other thing that keeps us from being happy and living wonderfully right now is the fact we actually believe there are certain things that happen that if they happen,

We're just going to be miserable and there's no way out of it.

Now the problem with this approach,

I guarantee you no matter what example you gave me,

I could find someone on the planet Earth out of the 7 to 8 billion people here that is going through exactly what you're fearful of right now.

And they're fine.

Not only are they fine,

They're happy.

You may say,

Well,

I don't know how they do that,

But I can't do that.

And if you believe that,

You're right.

You can't.

But that is what you're in control of.

You're in control of right now choosing to be happy with what's happening or fighting what's happening right now.

And the number one thing you can put your energy towards,

Which I'm arguing will make all the difference in the world,

Is saying,

How can I flow wonderfully with what's happening right now?

But Dr.

Puff,

I just lost my job and I don't know what to do.

Well,

You'll spend your energy towards one finding a new job,

Perhaps even changing careers because now you have that chance,

And you have free time,

Perhaps to take a vacation or spend more time with your family.

But Dr.

Puff,

My partner just asked me for a divorce and I was so in love with them.

Yes,

But now you're free.

You have the opportunity to meet someone else.

You have now free time,

Perhaps connect more with your kids or with your friends and do some adventures with them.

Things have changed,

But you can adjust to those change and find beautiful things with that time you have available to you.

But Dr.

Puff,

I've just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

What am I supposed to do?

Do you know how many people I've met that started living once they were diagnosed with a terminal illness?

They've been on the rat race of getting things done,

Accomplishing things,

And they weren't living.

And when they realized they may have had six months to two years to live,

Then they started living.

I've known so many people,

And you probably have too,

That when loss came to them,

They started living because now they've realized the preciousness of life.

So I really try to make this happiness podcast as practical as possible.

So let me talk specifically about how do we do this.

We do this by,

Instead of trying to look for wonderful experiences,

We look for flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings.

And that's about where we put our energy.

So about 10% of our energy is going to go towards finding these wonderful experiences.

Or if things aren't going wonderfully,

Trying to make changes to improve things.

But 90% of our energy is going to go towards,

Alright,

This is what's happening right now.

How do I wonderfully enjoy this moment,

Whatever this moment is?

That's what we focus on.

So that 90% of our energy is going towards changing the way we are seeing the current experience,

Instead of trying to change the experience.

If I'm somewhere waiting for something to happen,

Like an appointment,

And I'm sitting there and my appointment time has passed,

And I've gone up to the desk,

And they don't know when it will happen,

I can get angry,

I can get upset,

I can have a miserable time,

Or I can say,

Huh,

Guess what?

I know I may now have to adjust my schedule for the rest of the day,

But right now I have some free time.

So I'm going to meditate until they call my name.

Do you know how many places around the world I have sat and meditated while I'm waiting for something to happen?

I love it,

It's wonderful.

And instead of being irritated or upset,

I just get to meditate,

Because I love meditation.

And if I have free time,

I'll take that.

So again,

Here's what we do when we're feeling irritated.

Yes,

There might be something we can do to change that externally.

10% of our energy we put towards that,

But 90% of our energy is going towards making that which is happening good,

Pleasurable,

Fun,

Enjoyable.

Because that's the one thing we can control.

We can control our response to situations.

When we realize that,

Then we put a whole lot more energy towards that,

And a lot less trying to control the external world.

Because that's exhausting.

Or waiting until something happens,

And then we'll be happy.

That's exhausting too.

So one last time,

It's not about having wonderful experiences.

It's about flowing wonderfully with whatever life brings.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you for bringing happiness in our lives 🙏💕

The sensible way of thinking

Beautiful, excellent, practical! Recommended!

Great talk with helpful tips to reframe the situation and focus on what we can control while letting go of the rest.

Great advice tho in practice doesn’t come so easily when you have all the fears and emotions to deal with when things aren’t going well. More Practice perhaps for me.

I really enjoyed this!

Beautiful talk and explained so simply. Will come back to it again.

Wonderful. Thank you 🙏