Herd Mentality: Whose Life Are You Living?

We are all profoundly shaped by the people we associate with, often adopting their habits, beliefs, and definitions of happiness. But what happens when the herd you're following is leading you away from a life you truly want? This is "Herd Mentality," the podcast that explores how to break free and answer the question: Whose life are you really living?

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I want to ask an important question of you today.

Do you think it's very important for your mental health,

For how your life is going,

Who you hang out with,

Who your close friends are?

Do you think it makes any difference?

These people that we hang out with,

Let's call them our herd.

And believe it or not,

Herd mentality goes way back.

It's basically a natural human instinct because it has positive survival impact on it.

There's safety in numbers,

There's social coherence,

And our brains are wired for conformity to conserve energy and avoid rejection.

Being with our herd helps avoid rejection and improves feelings because our herd likes us.

They support us.

They help us.

But even though we're not in survival mode,

Living off the land,

Fighting off wild beasts anymore,

Herd mentality still plays a big role in our lives.

Perhaps the first time we really experience herd mentality is when we're in high school.

I know that groups may change over the years,

But there are always herds in high schools.

Aren't there the popular kids?

The sports kids?

The kids that are into music?

The theater kids?

The bookish kids?

The ones that are into gaming?

If you take a moment,

Think about which herd were you in when you were in high school?

Or if you're in high school right now,

How would you identify yourself?

After we finish school,

We may laugh about this type of behavior,

But does it change necessarily that much?

As we transition into the adult world,

Aren't there things like workplace culture,

Family dynamics,

Friends groups,

Online communities,

Political tribes?

The list goes on and on.

So this natural instinct of being with a herd to create safety now plays out in our environment,

One that our ancestors never had to face.

In today's podcast,

I want to talk about the difference between good herds and dysfunctional herds.

Going back to high school,

Think about the academic herd or the music herd,

How they support each other in their interests,

And their interests have good effects in their life.

But over the years,

I've worked with a lot of high schoolers who perhaps don't have a lot of friends,

Maybe they're at a new high school because their parents have moved,

And they feel isolated and alone.

But sometimes a herd does reach out to them,

But it's not a herd that's good for them.

They want to party,

They want to do drugs,

They want to make bad choices,

And they,

In order to fit in,

Hang out with this group and join them in their dysfunctional choices.

But as I say,

I do not believe the herds go away as we get older,

They're still there.

And if we find a good herd,

It fosters growth,

Security,

And shared values.

But a dysfunctional herd may encourage us to go out drinking every single day after work and even getting plastered on the weekends where you don't even remember half of what you did.

But the herd puts a lot of pressure on you to conform,

And that's part of the effect of how herds work.

They do want you,

If you're part of the herd,

To conform to the rules of the herd.

We are impacted by who we hang out with.

Our own lives will in some degree be reflected by the lives of people that we are closest to and most intimate with.

The impact will be there.

The question is,

What type of herd are we part of?

What are some of the red flags of a dysfunctional herd?

Here's some things to look for.

Do you feel drained after interacting with the group?

Is gossip or negativity the primary mode of communication?

Do you feel that you have to hide parts of your personality to fit in?

Is your individual growth or success met with jealousy instead of celebration?

And are you constantly compromising your core values to fit in?

There's a term for this.

It's called the golden handcuffs phenomena.

Some herds look successful from the outside but are deeply unhealthy on the inside,

Thus the golden handcuffs.

This could be,

For example,

A high-paying job with a toxic culture or a prestigious social circle that demands conformity and superficiality.

So the question to ask yourself if you're in a herd like this is,

Are you following or just conforming to the herd?

There's a subtle but crucial difference between willingly following a path that aligns with your values versus silently conforming to a path that doesn't,

Simply to keep the peace.

One of the ways I see this manifested in the work that I do is with people that aren't really big drinkers.

They're comfortable with having a glass or two of wine.

That's enough for them.

But they hang out with people that like to drink a lot and they feel that pressure when they're with their friends.

And in order to conform,

They drink.

And the next day,

They feel horrible because that doesn't work for them.

But because they want to fit in,

They keep joining their herd.

I think if we all reflect on our lives,

We can probably come up with innumerable times where we made choices that went against what we wanted to do,

But we wanted to follow the herd.

So we made these choices.

One of the things I've had to help a lot of people work through over the years is when they're in college and they get involved with their friends and their friends want to go out partying and at these parties,

Bad things happen to them or they make choices that they seriously regret because if they hadn't been in the influence of something,

They never would have made these choices.

And yes,

They can heal from it.

I love helping people improve their lives and heal from mistakes that we all make throughout our lives.

But if it's possible to make less mistakes by choosing a herd that influences us in positive ways,

Wouldn't that be better?

So if right now we think we might be part of a dysfunctional herd,

How do we break free from this path?

The first and most important thing we need to do is have a personal audit defining our values.

We really can't know if a herd is wrong for us until we know what is right for us.

So we have to sit down,

Be still,

And write out what are our core values,

What's very important to us that we do not want to cross.

They're non-negotiable values.

For example,

They might be integrity,

Creativity,

Freedom,

Kindness.

Knowing what's important to us will help us find the herd that most aligns with our values.

And once we know these values,

We then need to set boundaries.

For example,

Personally for me,

Kindness is one of my most highly prized values.

I work really hard at always being kind,

No matter what anyone's doing to me.

I do believe in setting boundaries,

But even when I set boundaries,

I'll do them as kindly as possible.

But if I meet a new person and I quickly discover that they don't value kindness,

That they find humor in making fun of others,

Or even the mentality of an eye for an eye makes the world a better place,

I'm probably going to set boundaries with them and they're not going to be part of my herd.

So when we need to set boundaries,

Because another person or herd doesn't support our values that are really critical to us having a beautiful life,

We don't need to attack them.

We don't need to criticize them.

We just need to not hang out with that herd as often.

And what happens is with time,

If we keep declining invitations to a herd that doesn't align with our values,

They'll stop asking us.

We don't have to criticize the herd.

We don't have to tell them why we're not even showing up.

We just need to politely say,

No,

Thank you,

Or I'm really busy.

Busyness is a really good excuse for most people.

We don't have to burn bridges.

We just need to find our herd and politely decline activities with the herd that doesn't align with our values.

There are a lot of people in the world.

They'll find other people that will align with their herd.

Our job,

Our mission is to find our herd,

One that supports our values and aligns with what we're looking for in life and what we want out of life.

Now most likely the hardest part of this journey is the will be times of solitude,

Because when we leave one herd that we decided is not good for us,

Finding the next herd may take time,

Which means we may be spending time alone for a while.

But in these quiet moments,

That's when we can identify and really reconnect with our own desires,

Our own values,

And discover what's inside of our hearts,

What's good for our souls,

And how do we find a herd that aligns with what we want in life.

Over the years,

I've helped a lot of people that were part of a dysfunctional herd shift to a healthy herd.

And it is always possible,

As long as we don't give up,

As long as we keep searching for our herd and enjoying our times of quietude until we do.

There are always going to be people out there that align with who and what's important to us.

Our goal is to find them.

And then once we find them,

We need to nurture our herd.

We need to reach out to them.

We need to spend time with them.

We need to connect with them.

Because every herd needs that support.

And if we're part of a herd,

We need to support our herd.

The transition time can be difficult.

Seek help.

Get someone to support you as you go through that difficult time.

But don't give up.

Find your herd.

Find the group that supports what's important to making your life a beautiful life.

I promise you,

There are people out there just like you,

Or in ways that can be supporting and loving to who you are,

But we have to look for them.

They're not going to just show up on our doorstep.

Sometimes though,

They actually are already in our lives,

But they're more in the periphery.

Our job is to bring them in closer and make sure that what we're getting from them,

We're giving to them.

That there's a reciprocity,

Because that's what herds do.

They support each other.

We can't just be taking from our herd.

We need to be giving to our herd too.

If you want to read a beautiful and I believe uplifting example of this,

There's a novel that I just finished called Elnor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman.

The title will be in the show notes,

But the story is about Elnor who comes from a very dysfunctional background and the way she survives it is by being alone,

But beautifully.

People start slowly yet kindly entering her life and she reciprocates with giving kindness to them and her life changes.

It's a beautifully written novel and if you're a logophile like I am,

She's an exquisite writer of the definitive words.

The purpose of this podcast is to help us have beautiful lives,

But part of having a beautiful life is having a beautiful herd that we spend our time with.

If right now we are part of a herd that isn't feeding our soul,

Let's work towards removing ourselves from the dysfunctional herd.

And if we are right now alone or in transition,

Let's work towards finding our herd.

I promise you they're out there.

We just need to put forth the effort to find them and not give up.

Life is hard sometimes.

Having our herd to navigate the ups and downs in life together with our herd,

I believe no matter what comes our way,

We can overcome anything and we will find such joy,

Such beauty,

Such bliss in those that love us and that we love.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you for this talk and your wisdom .
Much love and gratitude for sharing ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏✨✨✨😘

This was exactly the message I needed in this moment. I have the confidence to stand by my heart and my values. And now I have this track to remind me whenever I feel too alone. Many thanks. 🙏🕊️

Thank you 🙏🏻

This episode had me reminiscing about my school days, from high school all the way back to middle school. It was cool to see that I've always marched to my own beat, and people have been drawn to my authenticity. Maybe being a spoiled kid helped 😂. Either way, thanks for the thought-provoking episode, Dr. Puff! Namaste 🙏🏽💙💙🩶