Finding Purpose in a Changing World

In this episode, we explore how we can find purpose in a world that is constantly changing. An exercise in letting go of our attachment.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I don't remember where I heard this saying before,

But it has a lot of truth in it.

The one thing you can count on in life is change.

Sometimes our lives are just humming along.

We really like the way they're going.

And then,

Wham,

Something happens,

Something changes,

And we have to make new adjustments.

And sometimes these adjustments can be quite hard.

So in today's podcast,

We're going to look at how do we deal with change well and find happiness throughout our lives,

Even with all the changes.

The other day,

I received an email from one of the listeners to the Happiness Podcast that I think really addresses this issue of change.

Dear Dr.

Puff,

I listened to your podcast almost every day,

And it's very helpful.

I'm hoping you can do an episode on the empty nest transition for parents.

I'm in the middle of dealing with this with one child in college and another approaching his senior year of high school.

I'm so deeply sad about my children leaving home.

Somehow,

I never envisioned my life after raising kids.

I realize I have become too attached to them,

And I don't want to let them go.

I don't know how to move on.

I want to be happy for them as they launch themselves into adulthood,

But I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

I don't really have any purpose anymore.

I do have a career,

But it doesn't fulfill me anymore.

So I don't know what to do with myself.

If you ever make a podcast about this,

I would be so grateful.

Thank you so very much,

Rebecca.

Though we may not be like Rebecca,

Where we're dealing with our children moving out and growing up,

Change is part of life.

And sometimes when change happens,

We lose purpose.

Or even after we've accomplished something great,

We fall into depression.

I remember reading once about how the astronauts who landed on the moon had accomplished something so great that when they came back,

They almost all fell into depression because now what were they going to do with their lives?

They had no purpose.

Or maybe right now you're finishing some great goal.

Maybe it's time for retirement.

Maybe you're finishing school.

Maybe you too are getting your kids raised.

Whatever it may be,

Whatever goals we accomplish,

Where it gives us great amount of purpose,

Life changes.

And it's important to know how to deal with that so that we too can find that peace and happiness no matter what happens in our lives.

Studies have shown that half the people here in the United States,

When they meet their soulmate and someone they're so excited to spend their life with,

At some point that relationship will end.

Change can occur in many ways.

We accomplish things and then we have to figure out what to do with our lives or things happen and we have to adjust to these things happening.

As Rebecca has to now adjust to her children being gone,

She lost her purpose.

So what do we do in those situations?

How do we find purpose no matter what?

Well,

Sometimes we know when change is coming,

Like our children growing up,

But sometimes we don't.

Like when our boss tells us we don't have a job at our office anymore.

Change comes in many ways,

But what often is going to happen is change.

For example,

Why do we wear seat belts in our cars?

I mean,

Most of us probably will never be in a big enough accident that they're going to make any difference,

But we wear them because life is unpredictable and we don't know when we're going to need them.

For example,

A friend of mine recently told me a story of how her cousin was going on a long car trip and his wife was driving.

He was in the front seat and they had three kids in the back.

Well,

He didn't wear a seatbelt and everyone else had their seatbelt on.

She fell asleep.

The car rolled four or five times.

He got immediately thrown from the car and died and everyone else walked away pretty unscathed.

So we wear seat belts to protect ourselves from future things that could happen.

It's the same way in life.

When we get married,

When we're in a relationship,

We have to realize this relationship may end.

So putting everything into the relationship saying they'll never leave is silly.

Even if we make it all the way to the end,

One of us is going to die first and we have to deal with that change,

That loss.

So the seatbelt and this analogy would be,

It would be silly of us to put all our energy into something that could change and may likely change.

And we don't always know what that is.

We may hope that our spouses don't leave.

We may hope that we keep our job until we retire,

But we don't know.

So saying that I'm only going to be happy if this occurs is setting ourselves up to potentially suffer.

Now,

Sometimes we actually know things are going to happen.

Like in Rebecca's case,

She did know that her children were going to grow up and move away.

So given that those are the ones that we really want to prepare for because they're coming and pretending that they're not,

Or just putting it off till someday probably isn't a safe way of doing it.

Another very common example of change that is coming,

That we know is coming,

That I've heard so many times is that when people are approaching retirement,

They know they're going to retire.

There's an end to their career and yet they're not prepared for that.

And so they suffer.

Going back to my car analogy,

The seatbelt would be changes that we don't see coming,

But could come.

And knowing something coming would be like wanting to keep our car,

Our one car in our lives for the rest of our lives.

When we know it's probably going to break down sooner or later and won't last our entire lives.

And we would suffer in both these cases because if we didn't have our seat belts on,

We could get injured when change comes and we would suffer from the car wearing out by wishing that it wouldn't because we know it well.

So we're fighting change,

But we don't have to do that.

We can actually have really good lives and find happiness with all the changes that come.

How do we go about doing that?

Well,

The first and primary thing we have to do is we have to acknowledge that change can and may come at any point,

Particularly if we know it's coming,

We have to prepare for that.

So we're pretty much guaranteed to suffer if we fight change.

It's like fighting life.

It just leads to suffering.

If we fight something that absolutely is going to happen,

All is we're going to get a suffering.

So the first thing we do is we have to acknowledge that this may or even will change.

We start with that being truthful,

Truthful with ourselves,

Truthful with the reality of how life works.

So given that change is a constant of life,

Though we may not always know when it's coming,

Sooner or later it's going to come.

So we need to be flexible.

That's one of the key things of dealing well with change is not becoming too attached to what we have and looking forward to and enjoying the change that does come.

For example,

I buy my car through my business.

So every three years I replace it and get a new one.

Well,

That just happened.

And I very much enjoyed my previous car.

But now in my garage is my new car and I'm looking forward to that one.

That probably makes sense to most of us,

But the counter is going to be well,

Dr.

Buff,

What if your new car got replaced by a junk car or one that didn't run very well?

That's true.

That sometimes happens.

I think a good analogy of this one would be many people as they get older go from a bigger home to a smaller home because they don't need as much space anymore.

Or they go from two cars to one cars because they can share the car with their spouse.

There's lots of changes that may not look that impressive or be that exciting,

But they can still be fine.

The only reason they're not fine is because we're fighting the change.

But Dr.

Puff,

What if I really,

Really like the way things are?

Like in Rebecca's case,

She deeply loves her children,

Yet she knew they were going to grow up.

So again,

Getting back to the first thing we have to do is we have to acknowledge that change is going to come.

I mean,

Obviously there are people out there that have children like Rebecca that can't wait for their kids to go off to college and it's all about their perspective.

It's how we see it.

We can see it as something bad or we can see it as something good.

A person may lose their job and now they may be able to go back to school and get a new education and do something completely different.

It all is going to always get back to how we look at it.

And whichever way we look at it,

It's going to be the way we experience it.

One person may go through a divorce and see it as the worst thing possible for them and their kids.

Another person may go through a divorce and say,

Wow,

I finally get to spend time with my kids without my spouse being there.

I can really enjoy them and I get every other weekend free.

I know it's hard to understand it,

But it truly is just a perspective.

And whatever perspective we hold,

That will be our truth and we will experience life through that filter,

Period.

So if right now we're struggling like Rebecca is,

It isn't that we need to change our situation.

What we need to change is how we're looking at it.

And once we see it from a different perspective,

Then we can begin to soften the pain of it.

For example,

Rebecca might say,

Wow,

I don't like my job and my kids have grown up.

Perhaps I'm going to go back to school and learn a new skill,

Or perhaps I'm going to get involved in volunteering somewhere else because I love kids so much and give to them that don't have parents like I was a parent to my kid.

I mean,

The list is pretty endless.

There's so many ways we can adjust well to changes or not.

And it completely depends upon if we want to hang on to it,

We can,

But then we're going to suffer or we can say,

Okay,

I get it.

Deep breath.

Now I need to adjust to this change.

And I know it's going to be hard at first,

But I'm going to do it.

I'm going to find ways to make this work and have an awesome life no matter what.

And the faster we let go of our attachments,

The quicker our hearts will heal and we'll get back to whatever life is presenting to us.

We can adapt to anything if we want to.

We have to be willing to let go of what we were hanging on to and say,

Okay,

Life,

What's next?

And then embrace the next,

Find ways of making it beautiful because we always can.

We're really good at that.

And as long as one person on the planet is able to do it,

Any of us can.

And I've not seen anything that we can adapt to amazingly well.

So those are the two main points of dealing with change.

One is to acknowledge that change is just part of life.

Two is to adapt to that change when it comes and say,

Okay,

Maybe this isn't what I expected.

Maybe this isn't what I wanted,

But now I'm going to adjust to this change or not.

And if not,

Then we just continue to suffer or we can change.

Now I want to end with a third thing that we can do that's a bit harder,

A bit deeper,

But perhaps like me,

You'll find it helpful because I found it to be the most helpful thing for living well in life.

It's about the self.

We so much identify with who we are.

I'm tall,

I'm white,

I'm smart,

I'm pretty,

I'm successful,

I'm a father,

I'm a mother,

I'm married.

There are so many identities that we identify with and they can actually lead to suffering because the stronger we identify with anything,

When that changes or when we see it as something different because of life circumstances cause it to look differently,

Then we can suffer.

What if instead we stopped identifying so much with this self of ours and instead,

Instead of saying,

I am this,

I am that,

We just say,

I am without any labels.

It's a harder way to go through life because we really like the labels,

But it's also very freeing when we lose those labels.

Then when change occurs,

We're like,

It almost doesn't matter because we haven't identified with the past.

We're just flowing with life,

Realizing that life is just a beautiful adventure that's unfolding and it's far more flowing with life instead of staying stuck and saying life needs to stay this way because we're not identifying with any way.

We're just letting life unfold.

Now I know this may be one that's quite difficult to do because we like our identities.

We like saying,

I am this,

I am that,

But perhaps,

Just perhaps you will live a moment or a time or a day,

Maybe even a week where you don't identify so much with the self and you just flow with life.

You don't take on labels and you just flow with life.

You don't identify with anything or anyone and you just flow with life.

Like I said,

I think for many people,

It's probably not something that we want to do,

But perhaps,

Just perhaps it is something worth learning more about.

If you do want me to talk more about it,

I'd be happy to in future podcasts.

Just let me know.

It's a deeper form of happiness,

But a harder one.

But if we learn it,

It's a beautiful one because then life just can't throw things at us that disrupt us because it's throwing things at air.

There's nothing to hit.

There's nothing to stick to.

So when life changes,

We flow.

Like I said,

It's harder,

But something that we could consider.

And I do like putting challenges out to all of us as we continue down our path to finding happiness.

So Rebecca and other listeners,

May we continue to find happiness and peace with all the changes of life and may we adjust to those changes because sometimes those changes come and we can adjust and we truly can have beautiful lives no matter what,

As long as we're willing to adjust to the changes of life.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

If you are finding these episodes helpful,

I would love for you to share your experience with others.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Good to set mood, helpful when feeling lost.

Just a perfect guide meditation. Thank you Dr Puff.

Thank you. I am interested in the I am. Looking forward to a.

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you!

Simple and useful 🙂

All very true - we should expect and accept change! Thank you

Great advice for accepting change in our lives.

Thank u for this thought provoking podcast. I have listened to some of ur other podcasts and find them to be very informative, practical and useful. Thanks for the challenge to avoid labeling ourselves.

Acceptance the key. Thank you for such a soothing well explained concept. If you would like to expand acceptance on poorer health it would be appreciated.

I love your podcast ! Thank you.

Really good! Thank you 🙏

Thank you! Simple and effective- adapting to change begins and ends within ourselves.

I like very much the simple way you explain things..muchas gracias

Good words. Thank you! I retired end of 2017 and just relocated with my husband. It’s a major change, but I am determined to see it as an opportunity for growth, and not dwell on what We left behind.

Nice talk about change!

Very good! The subject of empty nest is very dear to me and also retirement... More on the subject would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

Thank you very much for the wonderful information.

Thank you! I would love to hear more about exploring the deeper side of happiness. Letting go of our attachments is so difficult. We use them to identify ourselves. Thank you for reminding us to just be and simply say, "I am."

Good wisdom! Very nicely explained; enlightening and comforting. Thank you!