Finding Happiness When Life Is Tough

In this insightful podcast we explore how to find happiness when life poses exceptionally hard or challenging situations that may test our patience, resilience, health, or sanity. Dr Puff encourages us to be perceptive and assure that we limit how critical we are to ourselves, to find peace and happiness in the present moment.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

As we go through life,

There are periods of time that are more difficult than others,

Times we just have challenges.

So in this podcast today,

We're going to look at how do we get through these difficult times?

What do we do to make sure our lives still can find happiness when life is hard?

And I don't think this is an uncommon experience.

A few days ago,

I got an email from one of our listeners called Alison.

She wrote,

I'm a mother of two small children,

Ages two and five,

And there are some days when I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that I have to do to take care of the kids,

The household,

All my responsibilities.

I get so easily focused on what is the next thing I need to do,

Who needs what,

Who needs to be where when,

Etc.

That it's hard to stay present,

And I find myself easily discontented and irritable at all the directions I'm being pulled,

Almost all the day and sometimes nights.

Do you have any advice for staying mindful and happy during this very trying season of life?

Alison.

And I don't think Alison's experience is that unique.

I think many of us go through periods of times that are literally just exhausting.

We may be going through a cancer treatment program.

We may be in the process of moving.

We may be going through a very difficult academic challenge impairing ourselves for the future.

There are times that are just challenging.

So how do we do these times well?

Well,

One of the first things we always want to do is be kind towards ourselves.

If we are going through a difficult time and finding it hard to find peace and happiness in the present moment,

It isn't going to do us any good to be self-critical or judging ourselves.

We want to be open.

We want to be receptive to other ideas,

But criticizing ourselves for criticizing ourselves for struggling is kind of silly.

It's far better to say,

Okay,

I get it.

I am going through a difficult time right now.

I'm going to start by being nice to myself,

But I also want to change it.

I do want to find the peace and happiness right now.

So given that it's hard,

What can I begin to do to find peace and happiness now,

Even though it is still hard?

But we do want to get better,

So we have to be open to change.

We have to be open to,

Hmm,

Perhaps there is another way to look at this,

And the way I'm looking at it isn't the best way.

So if we're open,

Let's go ahead and look at that.

So you have to brace yourself for a minute.

Remember,

We're starting with kindness,

But now we're going to go to a deeper truth.

So brace yourself.

Try not to get too mad at me after you hear this,

But if you can be open,

You can say,

Okay,

If I'm struggling right now,

Perhaps there's things that I'm doing that are causing me to struggle.

Now that may seem a little harsh,

But the good news is if I am doing them,

Then perhaps I can also change them since I,

In many ways,

Am the culprit.

But Dr.

Puff,

How could I be the culprit?

I mean,

Life is just hard right now.

What could I possibly do differently?

Okay,

Let's start with that assumption that life has to go the way that it goes.

Let me try to give some examples of how our minds can really shape the way we interact with the world.

In Europe,

For hundreds,

If not thousands of years,

People were under the impression that taking baths weren't really necessary and could actually lead to colds,

Pneumonia,

And get us sick.

So what they did instead is they would use perfumes and things like that instead and would take baths very seldom.

And then because of cultural influences,

Science and exposure to the East,

People started changing that habit and hygiene became a much more effective way of staying healthy and clean.

But yet for hundreds,

If not thousands of years,

People really thought it was bad to take baths,

To stay clean.

It was better to use perfumes.

And so there were a lot of health problems for many,

Many,

Many years.

And yet almost everyone bought into it.

So we can be greatly influenced by the environment that we're around.

Let me use a more recent example.

If you're a teenager listening to this podcast,

If you have teenagers,

Or if you've been a teenager,

You know how teenagers use that classic statement of,

Well,

Everyone's doing it.

I mean,

They use that all the time.

And that everyone is usually their few friends or the people at their high school.

That's everyone.

I have a really funny story about that.

One of my friends,

He's a medical doctor.

He's from the Midwest like I am,

But he lives here in California.

Well,

He has a family and he's done well,

But he's a very practical,

Sound person.

And he's a very practical,

Sound person.

And he lives in a nice community.

And he was telling me this story once about his son when he turned 16.

He wanted to sit down with my friend and talk to his dad.

So his dad said,

Of course.

So they started talking.

He said,

Well,

Dad,

You know,

I'm turning 16.

And my friend said,

Of course.

And he said,

Well,

Dad,

Everyone at school has a really nice car.

And I want one too.

I want a BMW.

And my friend burst out laughing.

He said,

You're not getting a BMW.

He thought that was pretty funny.

But his son's argument was that,

Well,

We live in a nice neighborhood and all my friends have BMWs or really nice cars,

Which one was not true.

But and my friend was wise and he could also tell that he was being influenced by the environment that he was exposing his son to.

And he had to think about that.

Of course,

He wasn't going to buy him the BMW,

But he had to teach his son other values and realize that he was influenced by his environment as we all are.

Another example of this that we may relate to,

Since probably most of us aren't teenagers anymore.

A woman I know who was a social worker had moved here also from the Midwest,

You know,

A small town,

And she really liked living here.

But she had a car like a lot of people do in the Midwest.

In the Midwest,

People tend to keep cars for a very long time.

Her car ran fine.

There was nothing wrong with it,

But it was older.

And she felt a lot of uncomfortableness being here in Southern California,

Because a lot of people in Orange County tend to get newer cars.

They don't keep cars that are older.

They tend to sell them.

And so this very intelligent,

Wise woman who had a lot of education felt the pressure to buy a new car,

Even though she didn't want to,

Even though she didn't want to take the expense of it because it was already expensive living here.

But she felt that pressure and it caused her discomfort.

So I'm sharing these examples to show us that we are definitely influenced by the environment we're in.

And I think the thing we have to ask ourselves is,

Is it true?

Is this absolutely true what I'm doing?

Do I need to be doing all these things?

Is my belief system something that perhaps is causing me to be unhappy?

Am I perhaps the cause of my unhappiness?

No,

As I said earlier,

If that's true,

Then I can change it by changing my belief system.

But we have to be honest because we have a tendency to follow the lead.

I mean,

We all do that.

I'm not judging that.

We just tend to do that.

We're very much influenced by our environment.

So I want us today,

If we're one of the listeners who are really struggling with being overwhelmed right now with life,

To begin to question things and say,

Hmm,

Are there things that I could do differently to alleviate some of this current stress?

Because a lot of our stress comes from our minds and the way we see the world right now.

And a subtle shift can greatly relieve our sense of struggle.

This is perhaps one of the biggest challenges we can have in life,

To go against the grain,

To go against what everyone else is doing.

Particularly if everyone else is doing something that is causing them pain,

Do we necessarily want to join them?

And in our world,

A lot of people are doing things that cause themselves pain.

It isn't that they have to do it,

It's that they're just following what everyone else is doing,

And that is leading them down the path of pain.

We can challenge things.

We can say,

Hmm,

Is this true?

Is this right?

Part of going down the path of happiness is making sure that we're challenging our assumptions.

Are they true?

Are they necessarily the path that I have to follow?

Or it is a path where everyone's going that is leading to despair and unhappiness?

I don't have to necessarily join them.

For example,

Here's a big one that I think a lot of people struggle with.

A lot of people believe that when I work really hard,

Provide for their families,

Create a home,

Get their kids through school,

And then when they reach a certain age,

Like 65,

They're going to retire and live metaphorically,

Happily ever after.

I think a lot of people buy into that philosophy.

And there's good in it.

Of course,

We want to prepare for the future.

But what can happen is we can go through 40 years of our life of a lot of struggle,

A lot of eking by,

Just so that someday we can retire happily.

I far,

Far more recommend looking at this assumption and saying,

Is it correct for me?

Is it true?

Perhaps I'm sacrificing too much.

I haven't been on vacation for five years because I'm trying to pay off my home.

I mean,

There's so many ways we can convince ourselves that what we're doing is correct.

And yet what we're doing is causing us unhappiness because we're buying into the philosophy,

The lifestyle of everyone else.

And that's probably one of the things that I personally am most thankful for.

I've always been able to challenge assumptions.

I'm willing to challenge anything and say,

Is that true?

And if you're willing to do that,

Really do that,

What will happen is you'll begin to make changes and you'll begin to gravitate towards those things which cause happiness for you and even for those people around you and move away from things that cause unhappiness and negativity.

You'll just see that change because you're willing to challenge these assumptions.

Again,

Let me share a couple of examples to help illustrate this.

Before I became a parent,

Now over 16 years ago,

I had a dog and his name was Einstein and he went with me everywhere.

We used to love to go outdoors every day and go for long walks.

He and I both really enjoyed that.

But what everyone told me was that I was a good boy.

But what everyone told me,

And I'm pretty much telling you everyone,

They said,

Well,

You know,

I know you love your dog,

But when you start having babies and kids,

That walking him is done.

You won't be doing that anymore.

And I really mean it.

I think everyone told me that was what was going to happen.

But I did what I'm encouraging us to do,

To challenge these assumptions.

I said,

Is that necessarily true?

And I just didn't believe it.

So I said,

Well,

What am I going to do?

So I have two children and they're three years apart.

So when they got born and when they,

As they got older,

Particularly when I had both of them,

Because that even became more challenging,

I did this.

I did this every day.

I would come home.

I would put my daughter who's younger on my chest and a baby be born.

I would put my son in a stroller and I put my dog,

Einstein,

On my hip attached to my belt.

And the three of us went far along hikes and walks almost every day and they loved it.

And I loved it.

And Einstein loved it.

Now,

Mind you,

I could have bought into what everyone was telling me and not challenge that assumption.

And that wouldn't have happened then because I was willing to challenge it.

And I asked myself,

Is that true?

I was able to do something different.

It worked for me.

I mean,

There were times that my kids didn't want to go on the walks.

There were times that I was tired and I might have rather stayed home.

Sometimes the weather wasn't always conducive and it took more time to get ready for these walks.

But I made it work and it worked for my heart.

So the key here is this.

We have to challenge these assumptions that life is hard.

I'm not negating that it isn't hard.

I'm just saying,

Okay,

Are there ways that I can perhaps do this differently?

Do I,

As fill in the blank,

As a parent,

As a worker,

Whatever I'm doing right now that is causing this severe stress in my life right now,

Are there subtle changes that I can make that can make this go a little bit better?

I mean,

Mind you,

It is busy when you have young kids or if you're developing a career or if you're going through cancer treatment,

Again,

Fill in the blank,

Whatever crisis we're going through,

Of course they're hard,

But subtle little changes in the changes make so much difference.

Every day getting outdoors,

Which I loved,

Being in nature,

Walking my dog,

Having my kids be outdoors,

Which they loved,

Worked.

It worked really well and it was not what other people thought could be done.

And that's really the key to happiness.

If everyone around you is happy,

Then probably it won't be too hard to figure out what they're doing and emulate follow it and you'll be happy too.

But probably we're listening to this podcast because we realize that a lot of people in life really aren't that happy and we want to be.

So if we want to be happy when so many people around us aren't,

We're going to have to make some changes and we have to do things differently.

That's the only way to create change is by doing things differently.

If we expect to watch two hours of the news and mindless television every night and expect to feel differently in the morning,

That probably isn't going to happen.

If we expect to come home and drink a bottle of wine every night and feel good in the morning,

That probably isn't going to happen.

So here's the hard part.

The hard part is going to be if right now we're going through a very stressful time and we don't like it,

Of course,

We have to ask ourselves what am I doing that is actually contributing to my happiness and what can I do to change it?

Now the hard part about this is we're going to say nothing.

There's nothing I can do.

I have to go through this.

This is just horrible and I want us to challenge that assumption.

Is that true?

Now again,

As I start this podcast with,

Don't use judgment.

Don't say there's something wrong with me,

But instead say,

Okay,

I get it.

I can get this better.

It is hard what I'm going through right now,

But I can make this better.

So let me start thinking outside the box and say,

What can I do differently?

How can I do this so it works better for my heart?

And even though it's hard,

I want to find that place,

A piece of happiness right now.

So that's my focus.

That's my goal.

So then the next thing we do is we say,

Okay,

Well,

How do I do that?

Maybe what I'll do is three times a week,

Instead of going through the steps of making my kids a three course meal,

Because I want to be a good parent,

I'll serve them cereal.

I'll bring home fast food that we can just throw away.

And so that opens up some time for me.

I'll go buy paper plates at the dollar store and we'll eat on them from going forward.

So that saves time for me to not wash dishes.

So once we kind of open up this box,

We'll begin to see changes that we can make and start making them.

But here's what's going to catch us.

What will people think?

That is the one that really catches us.

What will people think?

What will people think?

I mean,

Let's say we're overwhelmed by washing clothes,

We just get tired of it.

It's all we're doing washing clothes,

Washing clothes as a mother or as a father.

We may say,

Okay,

I'm going to let my kids wear the same clothes three days in a row.

I mean,

They're going to be a little dirty.

They're still clean.

They don't have a hygiene problem,

But I'm going to let them wear the same clothes several days in a row.

Now other people may think,

What kind of parent are you?

Your kid has a stain on their shirt.

They have stains on their pants.

What kind of parent are you?

If we care about that,

We may go through the grind of making sure they have spick and span clothes every single day,

But then we're exhausted.

So not everyone may approve of what we do,

But if we want to be happy,

It's a different path.

It is sometimes going against the grain of what everyone else is doing and saying,

Instead,

I'm going to find ways to enjoy my life right now.

It may not be big ways,

But it's amazing how a little break here,

An hour there,

A weekend getaway here,

A day off there can make an amazing difference in how we enjoy our lives.

We don't necessarily have to be suffering.

And if we are struggling,

If we are having a hard time right now,

If there is a lot of stress in whatever we're going through,

May I encourage all of us to challenge some of these assumptions and try new things.

It may not win the approval of other people.

It may not even win the approval of people that we love,

But if it begins to create more happiness in our lives,

I do think if we become more happy,

The people that are around us that love us will like to see that change.

And of course,

We will too.

But here's the bottom line.

We really do need to challenge our assumption that it has to be stressful.

It has to be a hard time.

We have to challenge that.

We have to challenge that.

I don't mean to be critical.

You know that.

That's very important not to be self-critical or to feel like you're being judged or you're judging yourself.

But we do need to say,

Are there subtle little changes that I can make to make this challenging time of my life a little bit better?

I don't know what that will look like,

But I do think that having that ability to open that crack to happiness a little bit more,

We'll begin to notice little ways that we can make changes.

And those little changes add up to where now we're seeing life slightly different.

Maybe this isn't as challenging as I thought.

Maybe this isn't,

Or there actually isn't anything that has to be too stressful anymore.

I can actually handle anything you throw at me.

If I have to go through chemotherapy,

If I'm out of work,

If I'm raising young children that are waking me up throughout the night,

I can perhaps begin to find ways to make that a little bit better.

We have to think outside the box.

We may not win the approval of others,

But I think what we'll discover is that if we're willing to challenge and just see things differently,

That yes,

It's hard what we're going through right now,

But I can get through this and I can even make little changes that can make huge differences in my life.

I mean,

Just taking lunch outdoors,

Just pausing,

Taking a break,

Doing something that makes a change can make all the difference in the world.

We have to challenge our assumptions that life has to be hard,

And then we have to make the changes to make them.

So if right now we're going through a difficult time,

Ask ourselves,

What can I do differently?

Or what can I change in my mind to see this differently?

So I alleviate some of the angst,

Some of the stress that is being caused by this current event.

We often struggle because of our thoughts as we make changes.

And as we change our thoughts,

Our struggles dissipate.

I mean,

It may still be there,

But it's our thoughts that cause us to suffer.

When we change them,

We change them.

And then when we make clear changes in our life,

We begin to soften.

And what perhaps used to be a horrible nightmare struggle now becomes something we get through pretty okay.

We're doing okay.

And we just keep making improvements.

We keep challenging things.

And we find that,

Oh,

Life doesn't have to be a struggle.

I don't need to judge myself for struggling,

But I am going to continue to work on finding ways to make this struggle less.

And when we take that approach and we really are willing to challenge everything,

What we'll find is that life,

No matter what,

Can get better.

And life can be beautiful.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter.

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

This was a great listen! I zoned out and really engulfed myself in this podcast! Thanks 😊 a bunch!

Excellent. Thanks 😊

So good! Works magic instead of depressing news in the morning. Thank you.

Very insightful. I am going to start challenging these thoughts 💭 of mine and think is this the truth and make some subtle changes to make me feel happier .
Very practical and helpful
Thank you

You are such a awesome guy and you seem like your interested in helping the Community! 🙏✌️

Wow! I really like Dr Puffs style! Grounded practical tools to let go and find happiness in the simple things.

Brilliant. Thank you!

Really helpful in broadening my perspective on things I'm struggling with, thank you. I like your light and friendly tone.

This is so great! I will be back to listen again! ❤️❤️

Thank u Dr Puff, your podcast is always a safe place on a rainy day :-)

Thank you will listen again
Xx

Thank you for this. Came at a perfect moment and this also led me to your other talks and podcast. Your talks (and voice) will be a comfort and essential guidance to me for some time to come. Thank you 🙏🏾

So helpful that I'm sure I'll repeat! Thank you!

Very helpful thoughts on managing stress! Thanks so much!!

Great advice. Improve what is & then accept it finding peace. 🙏🏼🌈🙏🏼

Thank you for helping me see outside the box 🙏🏻