Finding Happiness In Failure

In this podcast we explore how we can find peace and happiness even when we or the world thinks that we have failed. Use this track to listen to a interesting and thoughtful perspective on winning, failing, and what effects that can have on our happiness.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Life sometimes just doesn't go the way we want it to.

But does that mean in and of itself that our lives have to be unhappy if we've failed in life?

Obviously,

I believe it doesn't.

I think we can have beautiful lives no matter what.

And that's what we're going to explore today in this podcast is how to have a beautiful life even when we've failed.

First,

What is failure,

Particularly in regards to my happiness?

Because that's the key concept.

Failure only matters in regards to what we think of it.

It really doesn't matter what other people think of us because we all know people who have much less than us,

Have accomplished much less than us,

But yet are clearly happier and at peace.

And we know other people who have far more than us,

Have accomplished far greater things than we ever will.

And yet they're apparently quite unhappy and may even commit suicide.

So the key factor here is it doesn't really matter in regards to failure,

What's happening externally.

What really matters is what we think about ourselves and what we've accomplished or not accomplished.

I know it can make a difference if our parents look in our face and tell us that we're a loser.

That's going to matter.

But we don't have to let those statements in and only we let them in.

And if we do,

We have to reinforce them.

So let's say our parents called us a loser.

Now they may have said it once our entire life.

So even let's say they said it 20 times throughout our lives.

Let's say they said it a hundred times.

But what's going to matter is how many times we hear it in our head over and over and over again and believe it.

Now mind you,

Boundaries here are quite important.

I mean,

Let's say for example,

We went to a really good prep school,

Went off to a great college,

But decided to be a stay at home mom and just be with our kids.

And that was enough for us.

Some of our friends may look at us and say,

Loser,

You didn't do anything with your life.

Well,

It's probably not good for us to hang out with these people if they think about us that way.

It'd be better for us to be around people that are proud of us and like who we are.

That tends to work better.

But ultimately what matters is what we think.

Of course it helps being around people that think kindly of us,

But what really matters is what we think all day long.

So the next big question we have to ask ourselves is,

Okay,

If we've had failure in our life and we're being critical of that failure,

Why?

How is it helpful?

How's it going to make us feel better?

How is it useful?

What purpose is it serving to be self critical?

What's it done?

And then the next question to ask ourselves is,

Why is it even a failure?

Isn't life just full of experiences?

Some things unfold,

Other things don't.

Isn't that really what life's about?

Yes,

We can put forth effort towards things.

We all know that.

We've all done that.

Maybe when we are younger,

We pursue the love of our life,

But they rejected us.

We moved on and met other people,

New people that we've fallen in love with.

Maybe we didn't get into the school of our dreams,

The university that we so desperately thought would change our lives,

But we moved on.

We adjusted.

We're actually amazingly great at adjusting as long as we don't steep ourselves or spend a lot of time critical of our past.

And that right there is the key.

What are we doing with our past?

Are we attacking it?

Are we critical?

Are we hanging out with people called ourselves that are being very self critical of who we are?

Self criticism is truly the path of pain.

But when things haven't worked out,

When we haven't lived up to our own expectations,

Does that mean we're a failure and there is no more happiness for us to pursue?

If we believe that,

That is true.

If we believe we didn't accomplish a goal and we are now a failure,

That is correct.

Our beliefs are so powerful.

But what if we were to change our beliefs and look at it differently?

Couldn't that magically and wonderfully improve our lives?

I knew it well.

So in regards to failure,

I believe we have four options,

Too good to not so good.

Let's start with the not so good first.

The first one that we often do or can do,

Which is really unhealthy for us is when we fail is to be critical of ourselves.

That will guarantee that we're not going to have a happy life.

Self criticism works.

We can do it.

And if we do,

We'll be unhappy.

So of course,

I don't recommend that path.

The second one that a lot of people do is when they fail,

They turn towards addictions to not feel that failure.

The negative criticism in their head is so painful,

They want to turn it off and addictions work.

But of course,

They have a lot of consequences and they're really not healing the addiction.

They're just suppressing it.

Failure,

We're merely suppressing them or making them quiet for a little while.

But they'll be there very quickly once that addiction wears off.

Well now let's turn to the two positive things we can do when we fail.

Well,

The first thing is we have to stop thinking things not going the way we want it to as failures.

We need to see them as learning opportunities,

Things that we can grow from and improve our lives.

And if we see it that way,

That's what's going to happen.

Life is going to throw us curve balls that we're not going to see coming.

Some of them are in our control,

Some of them are not.

But criticizing ourselves for not doing something isn't helpful.

Saying instead,

What can I learn from this as I go forward is helpful,

Very helpful and effective.

And I like to prove it with an example.

I work with a lot of people who are entrepreneurs.

They start companies,

Build them up,

And then often or sometimes they fail and then they do it again and they do it again and they do it again.

And the one thing about an entrepreneur is that they have to be able to deal with failure because they have a lot of it.

They have to be risk takers because they have a lot of risks they take.

And sometimes it ends up well,

But a lot of times with true entrepreneurs,

They have a lot of failures before they sometimes win and do very well.

So in that world,

Being self-critical would be horrible because then they would not learn,

They wouldn't grow and they give up.

That's why I think a lot of people never become entrepreneurs because it's just too difficult of a path.

And in order to do that path,

You have to be one who's willing to learn from the mistakes,

Not being self-critical.

The following,

I can't verify is true because I don't remember where I heard it,

But I once heard a study that was quoted from someone else saying that in regards to new businesses,

The average new business fails by 80 percent.

But when that person tries again,

The failure rate is 20 percent or they win by 80 percent.

Again,

I don't know if that's true,

But it kind of makes sense when we learn from our mistakes,

We can do a lot better in life.

So the key here is we are going to have times where things don't go the way we plan and we can,

If we want,

Be self-critical or we can say,

What can I learn from this?

How can I move forward and still have a beautiful life?

No matter what.

And this is where the fourth option plays a great part in our happiness.

It's all about living in the present moment.

When we perseverate on the past and get stuck there and keep repeating the past,

It's going to cause us to suffer.

I mean,

If we implement the sense of what can I learn from this,

We can do a problem a few times,

But after a while,

We've mastered it and it's time to move on.

We tend to repeat things when we just want to beat ourselves up.

So the key here is living in the present moment.

Well,

Not being stuck in the past,

Not worrying too much about the future,

But living in the present moment.

Well,

Without fears and desires,

Just flowing with life.

It is really the deepest message that I teach on the happiness podcast.

So I don't need to go into detail with it today,

But it also is a key factor in dealing with failure is if we want to do well with failure and still find happiness,

We always just need to live in the present moment because in the present moment there is no failure.

There just is what's happening and we flow with that and life goes beautifully.

What happens is we are great at adapting to change when we don't fight it.

So let's say we're on a trip and our hotel got canceled and now we have to say in a much less luxurious motel,

If we flow with life,

We just find adventure there.

We find it as fun.

If we fight life,

We're going to struggle.

One of my relatives that I grew up with,

He's a little bit older than me,

But because of Facebook,

I'm able to keep up on his life.

And he,

I would say,

In our worldview would have had a lot of failure in life.

And right now he is close to homeless,

But not quite.

And he has a plan and it's a good plan.

And as I watch him post on Facebook,

I see how happy he is by just being able to live his life and find a place where his life can work.

He has a cat that he deeply loves and he's trying to find a place where his cat can come with him and live with him.

And it looks like he's found a place finally at a price that he can live with.

And for most of us,

We wouldn't live where he lived.

We wouldn't do what he does,

But I know him and he is happy.

He has deep friends where he lives now.

That's why he doesn't want to go back to his family.

And he has found happiness even with so little,

So little that he's been almost homeless several times,

But he's found that with good people in his life and with his cat,

His life goes well.

So right now you may be listening to this podcast and be saying,

But my life is a failure.

It's only a failure.

If that's what you're calling it.

Again,

It doesn't really matter what other people think.

Don't hang out with people that think poorly of you.

That would not be a good thing to do.

But the second thing is really work on the self criticism.

You can learn from what's happened.

You can grow from it,

But mostly what we can all do is live well.

No matter what's happened,

It doesn't really matter.

We can live in a $30 million home overlooking the ocean,

Or we can live in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere.

It doesn't really matter.

What matters is our hearts and enjoying what's before us right now and finding beauty.

What's in our life right now,

No matter what,

There's always something beautiful to be with.

The things don't matter.

The events don't matter.

What matters is living well now and focusing on enjoying the present moment,

Not second the past,

Not in many ways stuck in the future by wishing things were different or hoping for them to be different,

But really celebrating what is and in the present moment,

There is no failure.

There just is happiness,

Joy,

And peace.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

If you are finding these episodes helpful,

I would love for you to share your experience with others.

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Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Great antidote for the perfectionists out there and those of us who got a lot of verbal abuse as children.
Also some great career advice for people who could be in a more emotionally rewarding career but are being held back by the fear of failure.

Excellent advice! Thank you for sharing your wise insights Dr Puff 🙏

A wonderful way to start my day. To go forward, doing my best to reframe what I have considered my failures. Doing my best. Just for today.
Thank you!

Thank you very much. Such wonderful words.

Dr. Robert Puff, you always help me reduce my anxiety at night!!! Thank you so much, I love you and you are the best❤️❤️❤️

Really helped me put my fears into perspective

Brilliant podcast on happiness. Grateful 🙏

Thank you for sharing, it was interesting. However isn't so easy to living in the present and simply don't care about the past, not for me at this stage.