Finding Happiness By Sailing Through Life

There are two paths we can choose as we journey through life. We can paddle or we can sail. Sailing entails flowing with life and listening to the winds blowing. Please note, this is a lecture, not a guided meditation.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

When I was a teenager,

The town I lived in was called Storm Lake,

And of course there was a lake there.

Well,

One nice summer day,

A friend of mine and I decided to get a canoe and canoe all the way around the lake.

And it was a fairly large lake,

So after a very exhausting day,

We made it,

And we were very proud of ourselves.

Now mind you,

I only did this once because it was very exhausting.

Well then when I was in graduate school,

I was being trained at Trenton Psychiatric Hospital,

And my supervisor and his wife lived on a sailboat.

Their plan was to continue to work for five more years,

And then they were both going to retire,

Even though they weren't that old,

And they were going to sail around the world,

Getting jobs along the way to support themselves.

Well one beautiful Saturday afternoon,

He invited me and some of my colleagues to join him and his wife on their sailboat and go out for a day.

Well I have to admit,

At the end of the day,

I wasn't nearly as exhausted as I had been when I was younger and gone canoeing around the lake.

There was a distinct difference between sailing and canoeing.

And if we've lived long enough,

I'm sure we've all heard of people like my supervisor,

Who literally travel around the world on their sailboat.

It's a wonderful life and they often really enjoy it.

But could you imagine someone canoeing around the world?

I think we'd be hard-pressed to find someone doing that,

Maybe for one trip,

But not for years on end.

It would just be too utterly exhausting.

And though I know there's a lot of differences between canoeing and sailing,

I think the main difference is that a canoe just uses its own brute force,

That of the paddlers,

To get through the water,

While a sailboat truly just sails through the water and uses the wind to help guide it instead of the brute force of the people living on the sailboat.

And I really believe that sailing through life and canoeing or paddling through life is an excellent metaphor for how we live our lives,

And how we can live them very well or very hard.

Let me use an example to help illustrate what I mean.

Let's say we grew up in a family where being a professional,

Like a dentist or a doctor or a lawyer,

Is very important to our parents and everyone in our family.

And it's not that there's anything wrong with this,

But what can happen sometimes is the child,

Who is getting all this pressure,

May not like medicine,

For example,

And instead they want to be an artist.

In this example,

They just don't like science and math courses,

And they really prefer artistic courses,

But because they want the approval of their family and feel a lot of pressure,

They go into medicine.

And it's hard,

And it's exhausting,

They do it,

But it's just really wearing them out.

And along the way,

Sometimes they just don't find this happiness because they're doing what their world is telling them to do,

But it isn't making them happy.

They're in a sense canoeing or paddling through life.

They're paddling because the courses they're taking,

The things that they're doing for their work,

Just don't bring them any joy.

They're actually going against the grain in order to fulfill their goals.

They may complete them,

But as I said,

There won't be much joy there.

And when they finally arrive at getting to their goal,

They may be glad that they have the stability of their doctor's income,

But they may not like the 40 or 50 hours a week that they spend every week,

Year after year,

Doing.

In a sense,

They're paddling,

Where if they were sailing through life,

They would have gone down a different path.

And this metaphor of sailing or paddling through life,

I think it's really helpful for us to assess how are we doing in life?

Are we paddling or are we sailing?

Because if we're paddling,

We're going to find that life is hard and exhausting.

But instead,

If we're watching the winds,

Which way they're going,

And using those winds to help us get to where we want to go,

I think we'll find that life will go much more smoothly.

But what does this look like?

What does this metaphor look like in our lives?

It really begins with listening,

Listening to our hearts and saying,

What puts a smile on our hearts?

And then in life,

Doing that.

Because we spend a lot of time doing life.

And what often happens is we have an external goal of,

Say,

Paddling around the lake.

And it's very important to us.

We want to do that.

But we don't realize is it's so exhausting.

And it just wears us out.

It's far better to say,

Hmm,

When I think about what puts joy in my heart and doesn't cause me pain,

What are those things?

And how do I do them more often?

Because in life,

We do a lot of things throughout the day.

And the question to ask ourselves is,

Are we sailing?

Are we flowing with life?

Or are we fighting life because of some other goals or things that we think if we did them,

We would be happy.

But it really begins with listening,

Getting to know our hearts and what makes them shine and smile.

Because so often in life,

We're looking for the end result.

For example,

If again,

I become a doctor and then I get my family's approval and the society looks highly on me.

And perhaps I have a lot of money,

Then I'll be happy.

But then we get there and realize,

Wow,

That was so exhausting to get there.

And those few accolades that I get,

Like their approval of my family,

Really don't make up for the 40 or 60 hours a week that I do that I really just don't like.

I think what gets tricky with listening is we see so many people around us not doing well,

Really not enjoying the work that they do,

Often trying to live for the weekend because the week really sucks.

We hear those stories and we hear them often.

And we may think,

Well,

That's just the way life is.

But really at the deepest level of the Happiness Podcast is I'm encouraging everyone here to challenge those assumptions that we truly can have magnificent lives.

It does take work,

Work in the sense of not that it's hard,

It's actually very easy to have magnificent lives.

But often having a life that flows where we're sailing through life,

It's really going against almost everyone that we know.

And it's hard to go against what people do.

If everyone is on the water and in canoes and we see a few sailboats,

But not very often,

We're just going to think that life is paddling.

It's work and it's hard.

And I too grew up with paddlers.

But what I did differently,

I got to know the people that were sailing through life.

And I asked them,

How did you do that?

And part of it is listening,

Listening to what goes easily for them and flowing in that direction,

Not caring about what other people think,

Because paddling is about caring what other people think.

It's far more about listening to our hearts,

What puts joy in them,

And then moving in that direction.

So again,

Let me use some examples to help illustrate this.

If we're in a relationship that is hard,

But we get a few benefits,

Say of intimacy,

Or we just enjoy them sometimes,

But mostly it's hard in a sense of opposites are attracting in this situation.

Then we're paddling,

Because the studies have emphatically shown that birds of a feather flock together is really the true adage,

Meaning that the more we have in common,

The more we flow with our partners,

The better things are going to go.

But for so many different reasons,

We end up with someone that we have to paddle through life with.

It's struggle after struggle after struggle.

Yes,

There are a few highs,

As they were with my friend and I,

After we paddled around the lake.

It was exhilarating.

We had done it.

But we were also exhausted and didn't want to do it again.

We often can live for those thrills,

Like I said earlier,

Living for the weekend,

Or living for that time when our partner and I really have a good time at a party or a really good intimate session.

It can be great.

But what if 98% of the time,

It sucks,

Or just not good.

We're paddling instead of sailing through life.

So what we look for is someone who has a lot of our same interests,

Our same passions.

We can't find everything in common,

But the more they have in common,

The better it's going to go.

Then we're going to start sailing in life.

It's the same way with our work.

The work is something that we do a lot of.

Is our work creating joy?

Is it creating happiness?

Do we love what we do?

And if not,

We have to ask ourselves,

Maybe it's time to stop paddling through life and find jobs that help us sail.

And sailing is about being in tune with our likes,

Our interests,

Our joys,

And then doing them more and more.

We're not going to do this overnight.

This is a journey that we work towards.

But it is something that we do work towards.

If we just assume that life is paddling,

It's hard,

That's what it will be.

And then we will live for the weekends to numb ourselves to get through it.

But what if instead we said,

No,

I've met those people who sailed through life.

I want to be one of them.

Then we begin to move in that direction.

And we stop worrying about what people think.

We stop getting the approval of other people,

Perhaps living in a big house,

Because people will approve of that.

And instead,

Live in a motorhome and travel around the world.

There's so many different options we have when we're doing it for the sake of the joy of it,

Instead of what other people think,

Or what we ought to do,

Or what everyone is doing,

Or so that we can pay for these things.

That are so fleeting,

Like a car,

Or like a house.

Things that really don't matter,

Don't matter in the sense that they just don't create ongoing joy.

They create a thrill.

It's exciting when we get that new thing.

But it doesn't last.

It isn't something that we're flowing with.

We're not using the winds of life to sail.

We're fighting against them for our thrills.

And then our thrills exhaust us.

And so here's the bottom line.

If we choose to sail through life,

Instead of paddle through life,

There isn't going to be,

This is what it looks like.

Because the winds in life are our likes,

Our preferences.

It's the things that bring us joy.

And only we can know what they are.

But if we get to listen to the whispering of the winds,

Then what happens is,

We'll begin to flow with them.

We'll move in that direction,

Instead of paddling against them.

Listening is key.

Knowing what brings joy in our hearts,

While we're doing them.

And guess what?

We do a lot of life.

And if we begin to listen,

And then move in that direction,

Then what we'll find is happiness,

Which is always there,

Will be there with us all along the way.

But if we fight life,

We are going to suffer.

So again,

The key is to listen,

And then move in that direction.

Mind you,

This is a learned skill.

Because most of us are definitely paddling through life.

So we have to change our habits.

And habits are hard to change.

But that's why we're here.

That's why we're learning these skills.

And today the skill is to listen to our hearts.

Listen to that which brings us joy,

Which brings us happiness.

And then begin to move in that direction.

And then we will find that instead of life being a difficult journey,

It will be filled with joy and beauty all along the way.

That's the key of happiness,

Is to sail with life,

Instead of paddling against life.

Because sometimes it's true,

We'll be paddling in the direction that the winds are blowing.

But mostly,

It's just hard,

And it's exhausting.

Instead,

If we listen,

And then if we move in the direction of doing these things,

Which bring us joy,

Then we'll find that life truly is a beautiful adventure,

Which we get to enjoy all along the way.

The key though is,

We have to listen to which way the winds are blowing.

What truly sustains us and brings us joy,

That after we do it,

Our hearts are glowing and glowing in a way that makes life a beautiful adventure.

And then we listen and we know that's the direction I need to be headed more often.

Watching a sunset every day versus watching television,

I think we'll see a difference.

Having a conversation where we uplift a person versus getting into an argument with someone,

I think we'll see the difference.

When we do our work throughout the day,

And we come home and say,

That was a good day,

Versus doing our work to pay the bills,

Because that's what we're supposed to do,

I think we'll see the difference.

This path has consequences,

But it also has great joys.

And in the long run,

It makes our heart enjoy our journey,

Instead of being exhausted at the end of our journey.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

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