Finding Equanimity By Pausing

When someone is treating us in an unkind way, there are three steps that we can follow in order to find equanimity in our hearts. Pausing is the first and most important ingredient. Please note that this is a lecture and not a guided meditation.

Transcript

Welcome to the happiness podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Conflict.

If we're in relationships of any type,

Sooner or later,

There's probably going to be conflicts.

So in today's episode,

What we're going to do is explore how do we deal with these conflicts in ways that will both make them go well and at the same time lead to our own happiness and peacefulness in our hearts,

Or perhaps more accurately,

Not take away from our peace and happiness because conflicts with others can really destroy our equanimity and peace of mind that we have,

But they are part of human relationships.

So what do we do when we're in conflict in order to not let them truly upset us or lead us down the path of self-hatred?

Because when we're in a conflict with someone,

It usually causes us pain.

And when that pain arises,

Sometimes we want to be painful back.

Think of two little kids that are playing and one accidentally or intentionally hurts the other.

In response,

The child that got hurt may hurt back with both physical altercations or words because they're hurt.

They want to hurt back.

Children say it all the time.

Why did I hit them?

Because they hit me.

And then as adults,

We try to teach them not to do that.

But yet as adults,

Often when we're in an altercation or a conflict with someone else,

Like the clerk that's yelling at us at the store or our spouse who's yelling at us because something we did or didn't do,

There's a real tendency to yell back,

To say hurtful things back,

Particularly when the words coming at us are very intense and painful.

And in regards to these conflicts,

There really are three approaches or ways to deal with them.

Two are very unhealthy and the third is healthy.

The first one is one where a person just,

When someone says or does something to them,

They do it back to them in equal measure or even more.

We've all seen that.

I mean,

Again,

My example of children,

That's what they do.

But a lot of people do not grow that.

But within that response where they just hit back,

Say back things,

There are people that say,

I don't care.

They deserved it.

I think it's a very immature way to respond to things.

And yet they seem overtly fine.

At least they're saying,

I'm fine.

I just punch back when someone punches me.

If someone says something to me,

I'm going to say it back to them.

I don't care.

But I think if we really look at their lives,

People that are mean or cruel to others,

Because a lot of times when they're hurt or someone hurts them,

It's a mistake.

It's a misunderstanding,

But they make sure they're going to hurt back.

And it isn't a misunderstanding.

They want to hurt the other person.

Pretty categorically,

These type of people are very unhappy.

Now they may deny their own happiness,

But their own happiness is very easy to see in their lives.

And often the way they're able to deny that it is causing them any distress or problems is that they turn towards addictions to suppress their feelings.

They're just so unaware of what they're feeling that they're not even aware of their deep unhappiness because they don't see the correlation between cruelty and unhappiness.

And so they keep being cruel.

And in order not to be overwhelmed by that intense self-loathing that comes from being cruel to others,

They numb themselves often through intense addictions like alcohol or drugs.

If you ever read the book,

Saw the play or watched the movie,

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf,

I think that's a good example of people being cruel to each other.

And it does not lead to happiness.

And a lot of alcohol is involved in this play because when we are cruel and we just keep going down that path,

We have to numb ourselves because hurting others when there's conflict just is the path to suffering.

But there are a lot of people that don't choose that path in the sense of they're numbing it,

But they're still unkind.

Their spouse comes home and says something mean to them and they shoot back as fast as possible with hurtful words.

But in these situations,

Often the person is well aware of the unhappiness their words are causing them.

They often feel like they can't help it that if other people say things to them that are hurtful,

They're going to say something back as hurtful to the other person.

And they realize that this is making them feel like they're an ugly person,

That they don't like the person they're seeing in the mirror anymore.

They don't like who they've become.

Often you see that with a person who never really was this way,

But they get in a relationship with their partner is cruel and unkind.

And with time,

They now learn to be cruel and unkind and a lot of self-loathing is there.

But in this situation,

They're aware of it and it just causes a lot of pain and suffering.

But the good news is there is a third option.

And there are people that we know that do this option because what they do is when people say hurtful things to them,

They don't say it back to the other person.

They do other things that are often kind,

Or at least don't cause hurt to the other person in the sense of being mean and cruel to the person that's being mean and cruel to them.

They're able to respond in a way that they choose in a way that's appropriate,

Or sometimes not even to respond at all.

They've learned to not let the other person get into their skin and instead respond in ways that are appropriate for the situation.

Now,

The three examples that I've just described,

They're really the path that we're going to take in our lives are very well illustrated in the books,

Harry Potter by J.

K.

Rowland.

So let me describe all three because they're in the book and clearly illustrated.

The first person,

The one who is hateful and doesn't admit that their hate is causing them suffering would be of course,

Voldemort or Tom Riddle.

He hurt others and really didn't seem to care that he was hurting them.

But if you read the book carefully,

You'll see that his life was just pain,

Pain throughout his life and suffering because of how he was treating others.

And he just went further and further down that path of pain and self-loathing because he hurt others.

He wouldn't admit it to himself,

But that lack of self-awareness caused him great suffering.

Now,

The second group,

As far as hurting others and realizing that it was wrong and that it was causing them unhappiness was pretty much everyone else in the book.

Most of the characters from Harry Potter to Hermione to Ron to Snape,

They hurt each other when they were angry.

They would say mean and hurtful things and often there would be remorse afterwards,

Remorse of what they said or a sense of not happy about their behavior,

Realizing that even though the other person was wrong,

The better path would have been not to react in the way that they had.

But there was one character that really took the third path,

The third path of not reacting and instead,

Usually staying incredibly calm,

Incredibly kind and respectful of all people.

And that was Dumbledore.

But if you've only seen the movies and haven't read the books,

You won't see his character developed nearly as clearly.

But in the books,

J.

K.

Rowling is so good at describing how no matter what people did to him,

He always stayed respectful,

Kind towards others,

Even when they were not acting that way towards him.

And often throughout the book,

They weren't,

Especially at his death,

When people are ready to kill him and saying horrifically painful and cruel things to him.

He responds with kind words and respect towards each of his perpetrators.

And at the end of the series,

When Harry Potter has to fight Tom Riddle,

He does it just like Dumbledore would have fought him with equanimity,

With not reaction,

But just being himself,

Not getting pulled into the arguments and responding in a way where he was making the words come out of his mouth that he chose instead of reacting to the thing that Voldemort was saying to him.

He had reached the journey that Dumbledore had emulated for him.

So how do we find this path of equanimity in the face of unkindness,

Cruelty?

Let's talk now about the three things we need to do in order to stay calm in the face of unkindness.

And the good news is it's actually quite simple.

It's not easy to do,

But doing it as far as understanding the concepts are quite easy.

They're just three.

I'll repeat them quickly now and then we'll go over them more in depth.

The first thing is when we're faced with cruelty,

Unkindness aimed at us,

The first thing we do is we pause.

We don't do anything.

We just pause.

And then with time we ask ourselves,

Is it necessary for me to respond to this situation?

And if we answer yes,

Then the third thing we do is we say,

How do we respond kindly or a way that's respectful both to this other person and ourselves.

And that's it.

We pause.

We ask,

Is it necessary to respond?

And then we do it in a respectful way.

So let's go over more in depth like these three steps.

The first one is the pause.

We pause because if we react,

The words out of our mouth may not be the ones we wish we said.

We all know these stories.

We're in a fight with someone that we love.

They're saying hurtful things.

And because we're mad,

Because we're upset,

We say hurtful things back.

And then later we have to apologize because we have hurt them.

So when we pause,

The great news about that is we're not denying our feelings.

We're just listening to them and say,

Okay,

What is the person actually saying?

And then how is it making me feel?

Because sometimes we may have misinterpreted what the person said.

And if we pause,

We can really examine the situation,

Look at it more closely.

Did I misinterpret what they said?

Could I see clarification?

There's many ways in which pausing is so helpful.

If we can just remember one thing and we could get everything else,

The pause is the key one.

Pause.

Stop.

Look at our feelings.

Look at the other person and say,

What's going on here?

What's going on here?

And then after we pause and we say,

All right,

Now is it even necessary for me to respond?

A lot of times we don't have to say anything.

We realize that,

Oh,

They're just in a rush.

This isn't about me.

They're frustrated.

I misinterpreted what they said.

This isn't a big deal.

I'm going to just let it go.

Not say anything.

I think that often it's a very good response.

Say nothing.

But it does take the ability to really examine it.

And sometimes we have to ask questions.

A question can be very helpful.

I heard you say this,

And I'm not sure what you meant by that.

Could you tell me more about it?

And often we get the deeper message,

Which was not in any way meant to be cruel and unkind towards us.

So when we understand what they said,

It's very helpful.

And even if they were being cruel and unkind,

Wisdom would tell us that responding back in an unkind manner is not the path of happiness.

That's the path of a childish response.

Children do that.

They hit the child back as they were hit.

They say something mean back as they had something mean said to them.

But as we grow and get older,

We mature and we stop doing that,

Realizing that that is a path of suffering.

And we're not choosing that path.

We're choosing the path of peace and happiness.

And peace and happiness isn't one of reaction.

It's one of first deciding,

Do we even need to respond?

And if we decide after we've paused,

Gathered more information,

Reflected on our feelings,

And we say,

Yep,

I need to say something here,

Then we think,

How do I say this in a respectful manner?

Even if I feel they're not being respectful towards me,

I'm not going to be disrespectful towards them.

Instead,

I'm going to find ways to express my feelings.

And then when I do,

I'm not looking for them to change.

I'm not looking for them to accept or acquiesce to what I'm saying.

I've shared it and I'm done and it's over.

And they may again react even with harsher words,

But then it's time for me to end the conversation and move on and remove myself from the situation.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn't.

That isn't the point.

The point is that if we want to find peace and happiness in our lives,

It's what we do that matters.

What other people do to us isn't that relevant.

And we set up boundaries,

Of course.

And here we're talking to them about what they did.

But when we do it respectfully,

When we do it in a way that both respects ourselves and them,

That is a path to finding peace and happiness in our lives.

Looking for them to change,

Which will now treat us with respect.

That isn't what we're looking for.

They may not.

If again,

If you read Demodoro's life,

Rarely,

I think almost never were people respectful back towards him.

That didn't change the way he acted.

And it may often be the case that no matter what we do,

People continue to disrespect us.

But what we discover is,

Oh,

By me being respectful towards others,

Regardless of what they do,

That is the path to happiness.

We can't control what others do.

We just can't.

We don't have that power.

But what we can control is our responses to others when they're being cruel and unkind.

And if we respond in ways that afterwards,

When it's all done,

We were respectful towards them and respectful towards ourselves,

We'll find that when we listen to our hearts and we look inside,

We're going to find happiness,

Joy,

And love there.

Because kindness,

Respect towards others and ourselves is a beautiful way to live life.

And it is the path to happiness.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

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And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you. A very practical talk, a gentle voice, a reminder when in need of insight on how to treat yourself and others in conflicts.

Good info and analogies. Thank you for sharing the techniques of choosing kindness. 🌈🙏🏻

Beautifully said, and a lovely reference point for many. To stand and take someone's venom without responding is hard especially when undeserved. I try to understand what's going on in the other person's life right now to warrant the harsh words. Great pep talk yet again. Keep doing what you do

Without a doubt one of the best short podcasts I’ve heard. Spot on for me and my family. Thank you Dr. Puff for The Happiness Podcast !