Ending Suffering By Changing Ourselves, Not Our World

In this podcast Dr Puff explore the causes of suffering and how we can find peace, regardless of what is happening in our lives. He emphasises that, as we often won't have control over external factors, gaining the skills to bring inner fulfilment is key to overall happiness.

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Right now,

Listening to this podcast,

We may be suffering.

Suffering comes in many forms,

Takes on many masks,

And we can experience it throughout our lives.

Sometimes it's intermittent and sometimes it's long-lasting.

But we don't like to suffer and we spend a lot of energy alleviating suffering when we're going through it.

Right now,

We may be listening to this podcast and be going through a breakup or divorce.

We may be suffering something physical and be in the hospital.

We may be struggling with our finances and have worries about whether we're going to be able to keep what we have or get what we want.

There's so many ways suffering manifests and it's something that we have to face throughout our lives.

But we're also taking our precious time to learn about how do we alleviate the suffering so our lives can go more smoothly and be less painful.

How do we do that?

Because we don't want to suffer.

As I said earlier,

We expend lots of energy fighting off ways when we suffer.

If we're struggling with depression,

We may do lots of things to make sure that depression abates.

If we're having a physical sensation that is causing us pain,

Again,

We may do many things to make sure that that is alleviated as fast as possible.

If we have goals that we haven't reached and things that we want,

Then suffering can occur not because we are suffering for something but because we're suffering because of lack of something.

And we all know what suffering is.

It's about being discontent,

Unhappy with what is.

So what do we do?

How do we alleviate the suffering so that we can find happiness and peace right now?

What we're conditioned to do,

What we've been trained to do throughout our lives,

What we're regularly taught to do is to change our external world,

Make changes about that which is causing us to suffer,

And then the suffering will be eliminated.

And mind you,

This is very effective.

I think we go through life doing this,

Where we're perhaps,

As I said,

Going through a breakup and we're alone and we don't want to feel that loneliness.

So what we do is we get out there and find a new partner that we can spend time with.

Or if we're financially struggling and we don't like that,

We suffer from that,

We may work really hard,

Either get lots of degrees or build a really large business so that that suffering is eliminated.

Or we may not like the way our body looks,

So we get a personal trainer or start working out and then change that so we suffer less in that regard.

And these are all good.

Like I said,

They work,

They're effective.

But the suffering keeps occurring and there are often times that we just can't control our external circumstances.

We can try,

But we can't always.

We may want to get into Harvard and we end up going to junior college.

We may want to own a ten million dollar home on the beach and end up living in an apartment throughout our lives.

I mean,

The list goes on and on.

We have a lot of things that we think cause us suffering and if we can eliminate them,

We'll be happy.

But what also happens is when we do reach goals,

And we all know this,

When we get rid of the suffering,

What happens is new suffering so quickly takes its place and we suffer again.

We get that home finally and then we want a bigger one or we want a better job or we want a nicer car or it wears out or we get a divorce and then we have to get an apartment or a townhouse.

I mean,

It's just like a cycle that just keeps going on and on and on.

A roller coaster,

We do well and then not so well.

We do well and then not so well.

I mean,

We do well for a while and then not so well for a while.

And these are all because what we're looking for is externally to make changes.

And as I said,

The problem with that is there are so many things in life we just cannot control.

I mean,

A big example is our health.

We can eat really well.

We can exercise every day.

But then we get that cancer scare or we have a heart attack or the list goes on and on.

There's so many things that we can control,

Yet there are so many things that we can't.

And if we're working hard to make sure that it's all going to stay well,

What's going to happen is as we get older,

Our health,

Our vibrancy just isn't going to be as good.

I was recently visiting my father who lives in Arizona and he's 82 years old.

My father played football in high school and in college,

Was very healthy throughout his life.

But at 82,

A lot has changed.

He moves more slowly.

He has to use a walker to get around and he just isn't the same.

He can't run anymore.

He can't hike long distances anymore.

He can't play football anymore.

A lot changes.

He's still a very happy person,

But his physical health has changed.

And if we live long enough,

That's going to be our story.

Our bodies are going to slow down.

I mean,

No matter what we come up with,

No matter how we protect ourselves to not suffer,

Sooner or later,

This is going to happen.

Our parents are going to pass.

We're going to have ill health.

There are going to be changes in our lives.

We're going to see the ups and downs of our world.

There's so many ways in which we can potentially suffer that if we try to externally control them,

That path will lead to more suffering.

It just won't work.

So is it hopeless?

Is there anything we can do instead of just suffer?

Yes,

There is,

But it's a complete different focus than what we normally do,

What we've been trained to do.

As I said,

We've been trained to change our external world and then that will alleviate suffering.

But what I'm going to suggest here is that instead of changing our external world,

We work on changing ourselves and how we see the world.

And that,

I do want to argue,

Is the path,

The true lasting path to alleviating suffering because that we have control over.

No matter what we do,

No matter what happens to us,

That is the one thing that we can never lose control over,

Our response to the external world.

Now,

How is it different?

Because we are going to still do things to,

Of course,

Affect change in our external world.

That would be silly of us not to.

If we're hungry,

We're going to eat.

If we want to find someone to spend our lives with and find someone we can have children with,

We need to get out there and find our mate that we can do that with.

If we want to buy a home,

We have to get a job that can afford us a home and work hard.

If we get ill,

We need to take steps to get un-ill and be healthy.

But here's the shift.

Here's where it looks different.

After we've attempted to make these changes,

Whatever they are,

Think about right now what you're suffering most from.

What is making you most unhappy with life right now?

Pause and just think about it and then ask yourself,

Okay,

Since I've done what I could do to make changes and nothing's changed yet,

Even though it may change,

I don't want to let this lack of change cause me to suffer because suffering is something that we don't have to experience nearly as much as we do.

So what we do is we say,

Okay,

Now that this is the way things are going and I've done what I could to affect change without the results that I want,

Then the next question I've asked myself is how do I shift and see it differently so that I don't have to suffer?

Because the way we suffer is through the way we see things.

If we say,

Until I get resolution on this,

I'm going to suffer,

We are,

We definitely are.

If instead we say,

Okay,

This isn't what I expected,

But if I change my perspective,

If I change the way I'm fighting life and learn to accept life,

Then I will have eliminated suffering.

We don't have to suffer,

We suffer because we're fighting the way life is right now.

That's why we suffer.

Instead,

If we say,

Okay,

I've done everything I can and this isn't changing,

So now I'm going to work on acceptance.

Let me use an example to illustrate this.

I'm finishing up raising two teenagers right now.

You may be a teenager yourself or if you're not,

I'm sure we all remember those times.

And during those times we have a lot of dreams of our lives,

What's going to happen,

How things are going to turn out,

And we're excited,

We're thrilled.

The world is like our oyster,

We just can't wait for things to happen.

And then life unfolds and some of the things work out and many of our teenage goals do not work out.

Our lives just don't go the way we expected it to.

Now in this situation we all have two choices.

We have two paths that we can go down.

The one which some people choose is the path of suffering.

Life didn't go the way they expected and they're very disappointed.

They're depressed now,

They're sad,

And they can't let go of it.

They still want things to happen the way they expected them to and they didn't.

And that's really hard for them and they suffer.

They suffer a lot.

I'm sure as I said we all know people like that.

But most of us I think are able to let go of those teenage years and those dreams and say,

It's okay it didn't turn out that way.

I found new discoveries,

New adventures,

And it's been good.

Most of us go down that path and that's a good one.

But unfortunately what happens is we forget that.

We forget that we have been able to adjust to life's changes and we create new goals as we get older.

I mean yes teenagers have dreams but so do 20 year olds,

30 year olds,

40 year olds,

50 year olds,

60 year olds.

On and on it goes till we're 80,

90.

People have dreams,

People have expectations,

And life doesn't meet those all the time.

Often it doesn't.

If we like those teenagers who stay stuck throughout their lives reach a point in our lives we say,

Okay this event was just too big.

I'm not gonna let it go.

I'm gonna fight it.

I'm gonna suffer.

We of course can do that.

But if we want to be peaceful,

If we want to find happiness,

Then if that goal isn't happening right now,

If what we want to have happen isn't happening right now,

Then we have to embrace what is happening.

Right now you may want to scream at me and say,

Dr.

Puff you don't realize what I'm going through right now.

And of course it's true.

I don't.

But what I do deeply understand is what causes suffering.

We suffer when we fight what is happening after we've done everything we can do to change it.

If we're in emotional or physical pain right now and we're fighting life,

We're just gonna accentuate the pain that's there.

We're gonna suffer.

We of course do everything in our power to make it better.

But my premise is that not everything is in our power.

Matter of fact a lot of things are in our power.

And when life goes down a different path than we wish it was going down,

We can fight that.

Or we can say,

I didn't expect this one.

So let's enjoy this new journey and see what this unfolds into.

I have met people in every spectrum of life in regards to things that we would think were horrific.

Physical pain,

Life tragedies,

Things that would just rock your world I have seen.

And yet I've also seen these same people,

Not as many,

But I've seen these same people.

Some of them shine brighter than anyone you've ever met.

Their lives are so beautiful and so filled with peace because they don't fight life so hard even with the physical suffering or the emotional suffering because they don't fight it.

Their lives go very well.

It's our fighting life that causes us to suffer.

When we've done what we can and life says nope that's not gonna happen right now,

Then we can say okay then I'm gonna embrace this.

If right now we're 42 and have no children and dreamed our whole life of having kids,

Then as always we have the two choices.

We can suffer for that for the rest of our lives if we want to.

Or we can say,

I didn't expect that but I'm gonna make this work.

I'm gonna find beauty in being a single woman without children,

Or married woman without children.

I can make this work.

Or if we're a business executive and our path just took a twist that we didn't see and it wasn't what we expected and we're not at the level we hope we be at this point and it really affects us,

We again have two choices.

We can fight it,

We can suffer.

Lots of people do that.

Or we can say,

Hmm that wasn't what I expected but I'm gonna enjoy this.

I'm gonna make this work.

No matter what.

Because if I don't fight life,

If I embrace life,

When life gives me things other than I expected or work towards,

Then what I have is a beautiful life.

And if I do that one moment at a time throughout my life,

We can handle anything.

Imagine if this were you because I do know a person that this happened to.

He in a fit of rage lashed out at someone and killed them.

And of course he went to prison and he's actually on death row because he had done it in such a heinous way.

But when he got to prison,

There were support groups that came to the prison to help them do better in life,

To grow.

And he intended them,

He grew,

And he really,

Really understood what he did wrong,

Learned from it,

And now loves his life and reaches out to others in the way that he can,

Even though he's in prison,

Even though I'm sure none of us would be proud of ourselves for that.

But he has learned to embrace even the potential death of his life because he's learned that no matter what,

There's always something beautiful to be with.

We as humans are amazing at adapting to things.

I mean if you're like me and you love history,

Look at the lives over the past thousand,

Two thousand,

Ten thousand years,

What life used to be like even a couple hundred years ago.

It was incredibly harsh compared to anything most of us experience today.

Yet we know through books and journals and autobiographies that there were some souls that were just brilliant that lived back then,

Many of them.

But we,

Because of technological changes in our society,

Now expect things to go a certain way.

We expect to have a beautiful home,

We expect to have warm water,

We expect to have healthy lives to our 80s,

90s.

I mean the list gets so long,

But that list is the potential to suffer.

It doesn't mean we can't have it,

But we have to flow with it.

We have to be willing to say,

No matter what comes my way,

If I don't fight life,

If I do my best,

Make changes when I can.

But when life says,

No,

That's not going to happen,

Then we say,

Great,

I'm going to embrace that life,

The life you've given me.

I will find beauty in,

I will find peace in,

I will love.

We can get through anything no matter how challenging it is right now,

But we have to stop fighting life and suffering.

It's our fighting life that causes us to suffer.

When life closes doors,

We just look for the next door to open and see what's behind it.

It's a sense of wonder.

It's a sense of excitement.

It's a sense of,

Wow,

What's next?

That makes life flow beautifully.

So when we suffer,

Let's ask ourselves,

Why am I suffering?

What am I hanging on to externally that I want to have be different,

That I want to change?

And can I,

After I've done what I can,

To make that change?

And life says,

No,

Can I embrace that no and find beauty in life no matter what?

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter,

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

I’ve been a caregiver for a decade now. My suffering comes from my belief that I’m not free. I’m now going to examine this idea and change my thinking about it. Thank you!

Inspiring and helpful. Goes along with Stoic principles. Thank you.

What I love about your talks is that you are a total realist. Real strategies for real life. No sugar coating. You help me a lot. Thank you.

Inspirational and great advice. Thank you for sharing. 🙏💖

Just what I needed for this moment of physical suffering, to let go.

Lovely and deeply true message.

What an inspiring message for anyone going through difficult times.

Great! Helpful! Thank you!

Needed this right now. Thanks!

Makes tons of sense!!! 🙂

Another wonderful podcast, thank you 🙏

Thank you Dr. Puff!

Very insight full and well said 🌟🌟👏🏻👏🏻

Everything is in the right place at the right time all the time. Thx 4 sharing this at the right moment for me.

Very useful perspective, thank you! 😊

Accepting what is with love 💖

I enjoyed this podcast ♡

Awesome, thank you🙏

Awesome. Thank you.

There is a lot of wisdom in embracing life as it is. Thank you for the reminder!