Are We There Yet? Ongoing Adjustments to Happiness

In this podcast, we explore the journey towards peace and happiness. This is a reflection on the continuous changes we must make to keep our happiness levels high. (Please note that this is a podcast, not a guided meditation.)

Transcript

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

We may or may not have had kids,

But we've all been kids.

And I bet we all can remember hearing those words,

Are we there yet?

And it's truly amazing at how many times kids can ask that question.

I live in Southern California and my father and my sister live in Arizona.

It's about an eight-hour car trip.

And when my kids were younger,

I can't even tell you how many times they've asked that question all the way there.

Are we there yet?

As if when we get there,

Everything's going to be fine and their lives are going to be great.

But then we had that long drive home and I'd hear it again,

Are we there yet?

Now we may chuckle about this and think it's rather silly,

But we all know that we've gone through it and we've outgrown it.

Perhaps.

And why I say perhaps is because I think it really is the same question we ask throughout our lives.

Are we there yet in regards to happiness?

I think there's a sense for a lot of people that happiness is a destination,

A place that we arrive at and when we get there,

We live happily ever after.

I mean,

After all,

Isn't that what all the books and movies tell us?

We may be actually listening to this podcast,

Looking for that secret solution so that we can live happily ever after.

And it isn't so much that we actually can't live happily ever after.

It's just that we have to keep adjusting to living happily ever after.

It's not a place that we arrive at.

It's a place that we live through.

It's a journey that we're on until our dying breath.

Finding happiness in the present moment with all the things that life throws us.

Because life keeps throwing us things.

My kids don't ask me that question much anymore.

Are we there yet?

But now they're teenagers and they have different things that I get to adjust to with all those hormones running through their bodies.

Life changes and it keeps giving us new opportunities.

Another big one that most of us are going to face if we live long enough is our bodies are going to wear down and it's going to be hard.

We're not going to be as fit at all.

Or we may go through career changes or we may move.

There's just so many things in life that can and often do change.

So how do we find happiness with all this change?

Well,

I'd like to read an email I got from Nick who's a listener to our podcast and he has some questions about finding happiness with ongoing change in his life.

He writes,

Dear Dr.

Puff,

I recently had to relocate from Nicaragua to the United States and I am living temporarily with my extended family.

They are wonderful people but they are also very negative towards one another.

I'm not trying to be judgmental in any way but it is quite difficult to fend off the impact of the constant barrage of negativity in their household.

I had to relocate because of the violence that had engulfed Nicaragua,

Especially in the capital where I lived and worked.

Daily violent protests and nights filled with sounds of gunfire.

I am grateful to many friends who helped me navigate my way through dangerous barricaded streets to get to the airport in order to escape this terrible situation.

While I am no longer in fear of being injured or killed,

The negative household with this constant bickering and even some verbal abuse is really testing my resolve.

I am committed to a life of happiness and will not abandon my efforts just because of this temporarily challenging situation.

I would love to hear a podcast that could help me now and in the future when I face another drastic change in circumstances that feel threatening in terms of peace of mind.

Sincerely,

Nick.

Now some of us may really relate to Nick and others of us may just be dealing with two teenagers who are going through a lot of changes.

But whatever we're going through,

There are regular times that are challenging.

And though they may not be as challenging as Nick's circumstances,

They can do us still feel very exhausting and we keep asking,

Are we there yet?

Has this ended?

Can I just be happy and live happily ever after?

Hmm,

It's a good question.

But unfortunately,

I do think this question is what causes us a lot of suffering.

We actually believe there's a point that we can arrive at where we live happily ever after and everything's great.

And for most of us,

That is just not true.

Changes come and sometimes they're horrific,

Sometimes they're irritating,

But they come and we have to deal with them day by day.

So wishing,

Wanting to say,

Are we there yet?

Point where it all ends and we live happily ever after is going to cause us to suffer because that's going to not be realistic.

That isn't the way the world works.

But if we hold this belief,

It is the path to suffering.

I think this belief that there's a place that we arrive at and we live happily ever after is really what catches a lot of people that have great or incredible moments or times of success.

And I can use a point of illustrating this via Hollywood.

I mean,

Think about people at that level.

I mean,

They have both fame and money and everything should be great.

And for a while,

At the Academy Awards,

When they get that huge check for that movie they're in or people recognize them and cheer and holler,

Those can be so exhilarating.

Truly.

I mean,

Life's changing experiences.

But then they come home,

Then they have to eat,

Then they have to brush their teeth,

Then they have to live their life.

And there's a letdown,

An intense letdown.

And they realize that,

Oh,

I have all this right now,

But it isn't making me happy.

Life changes.

People don't like me as much.

I didn't get that rule that I really wanted.

Or I come home and my family just isn't as impressed with me as everyone else is.

There are a lot of reasons why it doesn't work,

But it mostly doesn't work because it isn't the solution.

It's just an event.

It will never work.

It doesn't make us happy having fame and fortune.

Of course we know that.

But they think it should.

And because they think it should,

What they do is they turn towards drugs and alcohol to feel good.

Because those things do make us feel good.

And they turn towards them and then they get addicted because they want to maintain that high,

Which isn't sustainable.

What is sustainable is peace,

Is happiness,

Is finding our way in life by adjusting to the changes and not hanging on to anything.

But if we have great experiences and we want to hang on to them,

Or if we have bad experiences and we hang on to them,

We're going to suffer.

The key of life is the flow of life and adjust to the changes that are going to come.

It's thinking that there is a place that we can arrive at where we live happily ever after.

That in and of itself will cause suffering because life changes and there is no such place.

We find happiness.

We find peace by adjusting to the changes of life,

Even when they're hard.

And sometimes,

Like in Nick's case,

Life changes can be very challenging and hard.

So here's the key to this conundrum.

Not,

Are we there yet?

That's a very bad question.

The question to ask ourselves is,

How do I enjoy this moment right now?

Period.

And then the next moment.

Period.

And then the next moment.

Period.

And I know,

Sometimes these moments are long.

They're exhausting.

We're tired.

We're worn out.

But we still can find some beauty in something.

Always.

There's just always something to be with that's beautiful,

That we can find peace with,

Whatever it may be.

I mean,

I've been with people dying in hospital rooms in a lot of pain who will listen to the birds singing outside their window,

Or really will enjoy the family visiting them.

On and on it goes.

No matter what situation we're in,

We can always find beauty.

Period.

And that's what we aim towards in the present moment,

Finding beauty now.

Or at a deeper level,

Just peace,

Just contentment with what we have.

I know sometimes it is truly challenging.

I mean,

Sometimes in horrible situations,

We're tortured.

Just challenging,

Challenging times we can go through.

But even in those cases,

If there's one person on the planet that's been able to do it,

Do that situation well,

Then let's do it too.

That should be our focus.

And we may have to give every ounce of our energy to finding some sense of equanimity and contentment in this horrible situation we're in right now.

But it's a lot easier to get through horrible situations,

One breath at a time,

Than seen as an endless toil of life that we have to go through forever.

That,

That is just the path to suffering.

And we're here not to suffer,

Or at least here to loosen the suffering.

We loosen and soften the suffering by living one breath at a time and finding contentment,

What little there may be,

In each breath that we have.

And of course,

Sometimes life can be wonderful.

But even there,

We have to be careful.

It's gonna pass.

And that's okay.

Because where we are is where we're at.

There's no place to arrive.

Things are gonna change.

And that's okay.

We just adjust.

And we do well then.

We do work towards making things better.

Absolutely.

We set up boundaries with people that are hurting us.

Absolutely.

But when we've done everything we can at that moment to make things better,

And nothing changed,

We're still stuck on that really long car ride.

We take a deep breath and say,

Okay,

Let me see if I can find something to be content with right now.

That's the solution to are we there yet?

But I want to end with something that's controversial.

So you definitely may not agree with what I'm going to say next.

I don't know if I agree with it.

But it's a thought I have,

A thought that I've had for a long time,

And one that is worth,

I think,

At least pondering.

And then if we don't agree with it,

As I said,

I don't even know if I necessarily agree with it.

But it kind of makes sense on the logic level.

So we can all discard it.

Or we may say,

Hmm,

I just wonder.

I wonder if this could be true.

If it is,

It's definitely something worth considering.

And even if it's wrong,

I still think it has a lot of aspects to it that can help us have good lives in the here and now.

So let me explain.

There are a lot of people,

Perhaps a majority of people in the world,

That they would answer the question,

Are we there yet?

As dying and going to heaven,

Living happily ever after in the next life.

I think that accounts for lots of people.

It may account for you and me.

But let's just consider this.

What if the purpose of life is to live life well?

I mean,

Really well,

Not in the sense of being successful,

But in the sense of what we're talking about here.

Finding peace and happiness.

Being kind.

Living well with our neighbors and making the world a better place.

We all kind of know what these things are.

Because the faiths that we believe in talk about them.

Kind of the ethics of where to live by.

But what if we get to the other side,

And we meet God,

And God says,

You know,

I put you there to learn.

I put you there to do it right.

And I really want you to do it right.

So guess what?

You get to go back.

And you get to keep going back until you get it right.

Interesting thought.

Of course,

This just isn't my thought,

Something that I came up with.

It's been around for a long time.

But it is something worth contemplating.

And why I give it particular credence is that if you study what's called near-death experiences,

Your person dies,

And they're resuscitated.

And mind you,

A lot of people have them.

Here in the US,

There are about 8 million people that have had them.

And of those 8 million,

One-third,

And this is worldwide too,

But one-third of people that have near-death experiences have what's called a life review,

Where they get to see two things.

They get to see every aspect of their life,

And how it impacted the other person,

And actually how the other person felt about what they did.

Both parts.

It's a really amazing review of their life,

And how other people were affected by our choices and our actions that we do in life.

So why do we have them?

I mean,

Mind you,

All those near-death experiences,

Maybe things that people make up,

Or just in their brain,

I get that.

But if we're a person of faith,

And we believe in heaven and life ever after,

Then why do we need to even look at what we did?

I mean,

Don't we just get to go to heaven and live happily ever after?

I don't know.

It's worth contemplating.

And even if we don't think we come back and have to do it again,

Because none of us really deeply know for sure,

We just don't.

But I think we are here to live well,

To live extremely well,

Because it's a possibility.

It's like we're all capable of being billionaires,

And that's the goal of life,

To be a billionaire.

But in this case,

The goal of life is to be happy and live a peaceful,

Beautiful life with people around us.

We're all capable of it.

It's very hard.

It's a lot of work.

But we're capable,

And because we're capable,

We ought to do our best.

We ought to really try to do our best.

And that's why I create this podcast,

So that we can live astonishing lives.

And mind you,

It's work.

It's a lot of work.

Again,

Like being a billionaire.

It's not easy being a billionaire.

It's not easy living contently,

One breath at a time,

And realizing the journey is the key,

Not the destination.

So,

Like I said,

This is just really speculation.

But it is something worth contemplating.

And I do think we're not just here to have a joy,

Right?

I think we're here to live well,

To live deeply,

And to learn and to grow.

So let's do that.

And perhaps we'll get to the other side,

And we will live happily ever after with nothing to do,

And just be blissful forever.

Or who knows?

Maybe we get to keep coming back until we get it right.

But in either of these two situations,

Or even if we don't believe in anything,

And we just die,

I think in all three of these situations,

I believe it's a good thing to live well now.

I mean,

We're happier.

That's the bottom line.

Our lives just go better.

And that's great.

And then I think we are better with people in our lives.

We love them better.

We're kinder.

And we just do well with life.

And when life throws us those curveballs,

We swing at them,

And we hit them.

And we hit them out the park.

Because now we know that life isn't a destination.

Life is a journey.

So why don't we do our best to live well and get energy towards this every day,

And keep working on this until the day we die,

Because we can.

And with working on it until the day we die,

We will keep getting better at this.

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

You can subscribe to my newsletter.

And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.

Reviews

Thank you fir this. Loved it, needed it! PS: such a nice voice!!