Hi,
Dr.
Denise Webb here,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video series on emotional neglect.
So today I'm going to talk about what happens when two emotionally neglected adults marry each other.
So childhood emotional neglect does not go away just because you grow up.
Almost like a computer program,
Its effects are sort of like installed inside of you.
And as a couples therapist and CEN expert,
I've watched those effects play out in hundreds of CEN people's lives and marriages.
So in just a moment,
I'm going to give you some clear guidelines for addressing the effects of CEN in your marriage.
But first,
I want to start with a description of how it feels to be married to someone who has childhood emotional neglect.
It.
So what happens when two people,
Each of whom grew up with childhood emotional neglect,
Meet and marry?
Well,
They create the doubly emotionally neglected couple.
Childhood Emotional Neglect,
Or CEN,
Is a subtle,
Often invisible,
Childhood experience that many adults experienced in their families.
As children they didn't know it was happening and as adults they typically have no memory of it.
Yet its effects just continue to hang over them like a gray cloud covering their entire adult lives.
That cloud inserts itself into their marriages causing emotional distance,
Miscommunication,
And lack of intimacy.
The definition of childhood emotional neglect is this.
It's a parent's failure to respond enough to the child's emotional needs.
So when you grow up.
With parents who do not validate or respond to your feelings.
Your child brain knows just what to do.
It basically builds a wall to block off the most deeply personal,
Biological part of who you are,
Your emotions.
They're safely tucked behind the wall.
Your parents and you can pretend that your feelings aren't even there or don't matter.
But decades later when you're in a serious relationship.
Series of very predictable problems ensues.
And that wall that helped you as a child,
It is interfering.
It locks off the valuable internal resource that you need to bind and connect you to your partner,
Your emotions.
Interestingly,
Those who grow up with childhood emotional neglect tend to be attracted to one another.
That's because.
.
.
When your emotions are blocked off.
You're bound to feel most comfortable with a partner whose emotions are also tucked safely away.
So what happens when two people who grew up emotionally neglected marry?
How does the couple deal with two walls between them?
Over the years of being together.
To illustrate,
I'm going to share a story with you about Jason and Betsy.
Jason and Betsy are the perfect example of a double CEN couple.
They've been married for 10 years and neither is aware of their CEN.
It's a Saturday morning and they're having a mundane conversation.
Betsy says,
I'll drop Kurt,
Their child,
Off at basketball practice at 1030.
Can you pick Emma up from gymnastics at 945?
So as she makes this request,
Betsy is secretly worried that Jason will be irritated that she's asking him to do something.
So as she asks,
She watches him really carefully for his reactions.
Jason sees Betsy giving him a look he can't quite interpret and so he assumes she's trying to manipulate him somehow.
He decides to call her bluff by martyring himself to make her feel bad.
Jason says,
What's the big deal?
Why does this require us both?
I'll do both drop off and pick up.
Betsy notices the edge in Jason's tone and assumes it's because she asked him to do a task for her.
Would it kill him to chip in on it?
On the weekend.
She thanks to herself with aggravation.
Betsy says,
Just forget it.
I'll do both,
Trying to sort of like trump his martyrdom.
So Betsy does the drop-off and pick up that morning and while she does it she sees inside at how unwilling Jason is to help out with the kids.
Meanwhile,
Jason sits at home feeling Three.
Main things.
He feels frustrated at his manipulative wife.
Perplexed about what really happened between them that morning.
And also just vaguely guilty that he's sitting at home while Betsy does all the work.
Eventually,
The guilt wins out.
Feeling bad.
He starts making a big pot of chili,
Which he knows Betsy likes.
So that is a perfect example of the miscommunication that a CEN couple has.
I want to talk about the five struggles that the double CEN couple typically experiences.
So the first struggle is that you're divided by your walls.
So no matter how connected you are by love,
Companionship,
Children,
Or history,
You're not able to connect enough in the most important way,
Emotionally.
It's not that you don't feel emotion.
Both Betsy and Jason have plenty of emotions in the description that I just gave you.
It's just that either of you neither of you is well enough in touch with.
What you're feeling so that you can share your feelings and use them as you are meant to do as a couple.
The second struggle is that you both lack the emotion skills to understand what's really going on.
While your parents were busy ignoring your feelings,
You were missing an important childhood experience.
You are not learning how emotions work.
You didn't have the chance to learn how to know when you're having a feeling.
Identify that feeling,
Put it into words,
Or share it with another person.
These are the skills required to build emotional intimacy with your partner and you may not even realize that you don't have them.
The third struggle is that your interactions are rife with misinterpretations.
You probably noticed how very out of touch Betsy and Jason are with each other.
Betsy views Jason as unwilling to help,
Which isn't true,
And Jason views Betsy as trying to pull something over on him,
Which she isn't.
Both end up feeling upset with each other for false reasons and neither has the communication skills to discover that his or her assumptions and readings of the other are wrong.
The fourth struggle is that over time you end up increasingly distant from each other.
Addition to the normal conflicts that all couples encounter.
Incorrect readings also contribute to the wedges that drive you farther and farther apart every day.
The longer you are together,
The more distant you feel.
The fifth is very sad and a very difficult one to swallow.
It's that even if you love each other,
It just isn't enough.
I see many double CEN couples in my office and one thing I often notice is that they usually have a genuine bond of love for each other.
But despite the love,
One or both members of the couple senses that something very important is missing.
One or both of the members feels.
The love,
Uncomfortably lonely in the marriage.
So if you recognize yourself in your partner as you read this,
Do not despair.
There are answers.
You can use this newfound understanding to reach out to your partner.
Now that you know what divides you,
You can break down those walls,
Access your feelings,
And start sharing them.
And then go forward to a brighter,
More connected future.
Because the great thing about childhood emotional neglect is that it can be healed.
So if you found this video helpful,
Please let me know in the comments.
I love to hear what you have to say.
I have plenty more to say about the emotional neglectful marriage and how to heal it.
Thanks for watching.
I'll be back soon.
Bye-bye.