How To Stop The Complaining In Your Head

Feels good to vent, but research shows that complaining over time is not only bad for our mental health, but for our physical health too. The habit of complaining rewires our brain for negativity and brings us and others down over time. I'm going to share a bit of that research with you, but also a 4 step process that can help you nip the unhealthy habit of complaining in the bud and reverse your mind's focus to a healthier focus for better mental and physical health.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

So today I'm going to talk to you about complaining and how it literally ruins our lives,

Ruins our bodies even,

And how we can identify it and also four steps to stop complaining in its tracks so you can have a better today and tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Now for the last 46 years on this planet and being a psychologist for the past 20 years and literally working with thousands of people here is what I have learned about complaining.

It feels good to vent.

It feels really good sometimes to just kind of like let it out or kind of like or just kind of like let it roll around your mind.

There's something about that and for the moment that might feel good and we have we have endless things to complain about as humans.

We complain about political outcomes,

We complain about how our body's feeling,

The aches and pains,

We complain about the cold weather,

We complain about the hot weather,

We complain about complaining,

We complain about our negative thinking and in fact I actually looked up complaining here and I'm going to share something with you here.

So here's from the independent,

Not all of us are British here,

But look there's here's the top 50 things British people complain about.

Bad customer service,

Getting cold called,

People pushing in queues,

Being too cold,

The wi-fi not connecting,

Litter and fly tipping,

Sitting in traffic,

The British weather,

Being too hot,

Noisy neighbors and the list goes on and on.

Now there's 50 things here,

Being hungry,

Being too full probably and while there's 50 here really the opportunity here is endless for our brain to complain and and I will say like if we just kind of think about it it's not our fault.

Our brain is always looking for what's the problem because we're wired to feel safe and to be comfortable and happy and so it's always in the lookout for what the problems might be and so it's like kind of like saying hey Siri what are the problems today and when we when we ask that question our brain's going to come up with all kinds of things it can focus on and then kind of ruminate about.

The problem is it really impacts us and not just mentally it's not just one of the key things that aids negative thinking and adds to our anxiety and depression and keeps us stuck in like bad moods.

It also impacts us physiologically.

Studies show that complaining actually creates stress in our body and one of the key impacts of stress in our bodies impacts a part of our brain called the hippocampus which is involved with learning memory putting things in context and it also increases our level of cortisol that's here and cortisol if it's maintained over time can lead to high blood pressure heart disease it can actually physically like break down our body so complaining is something we really need to work on in nipping in the bud and ultimately while it feels good to vent we know that doing that over time and whether it's outwardly or inwardly doesn't feel that good and the other thing about venting is that we are interconnected meaning like we tend to mirror people's moods and so if people are venting around us or complaining around us it tends to give our brain permission to do the same or vice versa and so then we create this kind of culture this community around complaining which ultimately brings everyone down so we want to do something different we want to work on this if you want to stop your mind from ruining your life and ultimately also maybe even shift it to being feeling better physically emotionally mentally being a little bit happier and that's there then we need to shift it so i want to give you really four ways to actually do that and so we're gonna do we're gonna i'm gonna give you these four ways right now now the first thing we have to understand when it comes to complaining is like anything else we need to recognize it we need to notice it so i want you today to be on the lookout for your mind complaining are you complaining about your kids are you complaining about your haircut are you complaining about your weight are you complaining about your mind complaining about how you're feeling is your mind complaining about traffic is your mind so many different things our minds can complain about what's it complaining about today right you might even write out your top 10 hit list of complaints to just kind of make it fun to do and and so but you're gonna be on the lookout for it complaining and so you're gonna recognize it when it happens and that's the first step then the second step is you're gonna notice it where you're holding that complaining in your body um sometimes we think it's just in our heads but really like this is we're one organism here and so whatever mental activity is going on up here is actually felt in your body as well so where are you holding the complaining where you noticing is it in your chest is it a tension or a holding or a tightness in your chest is it in your shoulders and bring an attitude of curiosity to this be curious about it you're like exploring you're being an explorer of your own experience and so you're noticing it where are you holding it in your hands um in your legs and your butt and your butt where are you actually holding this complaining yeah make it bring a little humor to it and so um and so we're noticing that so first step recognize second step where am i holding this in my body um third step now we need to release so this plays off of a formula i've created to really support us for quite a while called recognize release refocus it's three r's but we're actually kind of like recognizing it we're taking the first two steps to recognize the name of the complaining and also recognize it where it is in our body and then we're going to actually release it so what does that mean so we have to we need to recognize where it is in our body so we can actually begin to open up our chest if it's there or let it out in our hands if it's there or laugh a little bit or shout a little bit stretch it out if you need to like release the complaining like release it and even say to yourself release i release you i release you for today um and you'll need to do this with repetition by the way this isn't like a one-time thing our brain works with repetition that's how any habit is created so we're recognizing it in the moment we're recognizing it in our body we're releasing it in all these different ways through our body and the third thing and this one's really this one's really important here because the third thing is now we're going to refocus what are we going to refocus on though is the question now we're going to refocus on 180 degrees shift and so what does that mean now we have to actually consider and think about what are the good things that are actually happening right now so if i'm sitting in traffic and i'm so upset that i'm going to be late to this meeting and there's people are not moving as fast as i want them to and or the my public transportation is going slowly or whatever it might be um i might think about what's going well well actually i'm right now i'm safe i'm literally safe and actually my body maybe feels okay now that i stretched it out i'm really happy that i noticed this moment in fact and actually if i think about it my kids are actually doing are all healthy too actually i'm physically healthy right now what else is going well there's that person laughing over there and there's these two people hugging over there and that's really good for them there's this person exercising over there um what's good the sun is shining what's good right now i'm able to support myself financially what's good right now think about it maybe even if you want to if you're having a hard time and you think that kind of feels very surface in some way it's not making the impact you want to you can also refocus on a recent memory or two that was a good memory and let yourself just kind of remember the memory that coffee or tea you had with somebody that moment you got to relax that moment you were out in the swimming in the water or just laying outside letting the sunshine hit your face or the moment of laughter you shared with a friend or while watching a video of cute little puppies and kittens and you know so just remembering that and let yourself roll around and do it and that's another thing that you can refocus on what we're trying to do is refocus on a 180 degree shift so you can either refocus on the things that you're appreciating in the moment or appreciating in your life or you can actually remember a memory to be able to do that totally fair game what you're doing is you're just shifting your focus that's what you're playing with so you're recognizing it in your in your mind the moment of complaining the noting of that out loud whether you're doing it out loud or you're recognizing it in your mind recognizing it in your body or you're holding it releasing it opening it up letting it go shaking it out laughing whatever you want to do shout if you're by yourself shout really loud it's okay and and then refocusing on gratitude and appreciation by the way just as we know that complaining impacts our brain and our body in really negative ways we talked about that the hippocampus the cortisol we know that gratitude actually has an opposite effect gratitude's been shown to support us and being more relaxed our body and being more relaxed it's been shown to increase a variety of scales of well-being and also even reducing cortisol levels so play with this play with this so complaining is your thing then and you notice it and it's ruining your life at ruining it's ruining your days and weeks in some way you notice the habit of your mind we need to squash it and the way to do that is by playing with this practice recognize release refocus in this particular way with complaining it's going to support you with your anxiety it's going to support you with not relapsing and with with your mood with depression it's going to support you and just feeling better and turning that dial to be a little bit happier and you'll notice it'll ripple effects across your relationships

Reviews

I love your talk about complaining. I started noticing how much I was doing it in my head and wow! My mind is either complaining or explaining or explaining the complaining. It is starting to be fun to notice it. Thank you!

So needed this. Thank you. I’m going to listen daily to remind myself to have gratitude instead of negativity.

So good I’m going to send it to others! Thank you

Excellent perspective followed by a practical plan. Thank you. I am going to try it.

Thank you for touching on this subject.

So good 😊 💚👏🏽

Love this! ☝️

Effective, practical and a great awareness tool. Thank you Elisha

Very interesting! I will share with my son who also loves a good old moan! Thank you 🙏

🤣🙏

Very nice presentation and useful practice. Recommend

Good strategy. Perhaps the same could be used for worrying?

Excellent!!

I can’t wait to try this. I’ve heard of the idea of switching from a negative thought to gratitude, but it’s not always easy to do. I think that middle step of release is going to make a huge difference for me. Thank you! 💚

That was great!

Love it!

🙏💗

Thanks. Nicely explained. 🙏

Great information. Thank you.

This was excellent advice. Thank you & take care :)