Try Less Hard - Lower Intensity To Heal And Grow - A Talk

This is a short talk about how to add a bit more "flow" and a little less "force".

It would make sense that the harder you work at something, the better your results. But, sometimes, trying hard has the opposite effect. It can make things work less well.

In this talk, I'll explain:
- How trying hard makes healing, growing, and creativity less available, and;
- Four strategies for trying less hard, and lowering the intensity in your nervous system, so you can achieve your goals.

Transcript

Hi there,

My name is Dr.

Adam Bledsoe,

And welcome to this little talk that I call Try Less Hard.

You see,

Sometimes the way we approach a problem can make the problem even worse,

Or it can act to keep the problem alive.

It's not always what we do to help a problem that doesn't help.

It can be the way that we do it.

Sometimes we're putting the right ingredients in,

But if we don't do it in the right way,

It won't work out.

Let me explain what I mean.

It may seem that approaching a hard and uncomfortable thing warrants some intensity.

The harder we work,

The sooner or the faster the problem will be fixed,

But more often it has the opposite effect,

Especially when it comes to helping our body and mind heal,

Grow,

And thrive.

I know if you're probably like me,

You're hard-working,

You're well-meaning,

You're detail-oriented.

Sometimes you can even be pretty hard on yourself.

You can push yourself to get things done.

This approach really helps at times.

But I wonder if you're here because you need a new approach.

When it comes to the softer parts,

Our nervous system,

Healing old wounds or traumas,

Or growing into areas that were once touched with fear or anxiety,

We need a new way.

Healing,

Health,

Growth,

And creativity aren't a dragon to be slain.

It's something that needs to be nurtured with a gentle hand.

When we approach the fickle rabbit that is our nervous system safely,

This tells the brain that it's okay to move forward,

That whatever we're facing isn't dangerous,

And that we can grow,

Make new pathways in our brain,

See things differently,

And then take new action,

New choices.

Think of the approach you'd take if you were trying to teach a child how to ride a bike or to learn a new skill.

Intensity doesn't work.

Gentle and supportive works.

Validation works.

Acknowledging and soothing the bumps and bruises that came along the way really helps.

Learning to laugh off mistakes and foibles goes a long way.

So here's four ways that you can try less hard to achieve your goal.

The first one is to follow your joy.

Pushing through is a sure way to overuse your energy and trigger the intensity alarm in your nervous system.

After all though,

Motivation is a finite commodity.

We only have so much of it before decision fatigue sets in and our mind wants to give up.

So instead,

Try this.

We want to follow our joy.

Allow yourself to fall in love with the process.

There's an infinite amount of ways to solve a problem in your life.

Choose the path that makes you feel good,

That gives you a sense of accomplishment.

The one where you just simply enjoy it.

It reminds me of a patient in the clinic.

She was a brilliant professor,

Kind parent,

Really lovely person to work with.

And she was working so hard to heal her shoulder pain.

And one day when we were doing a class in the clinic about shoulder pain,

I actually disinvited her.

I said to her,

You're not allowed to do any more homework on this.

She happened to be into dancing.

I said,

All you can do is things that you love and enjoy.

If that happens to be work on your shoulder,

Great.

But if it doesn't look like that,

Then I want you to just go out and have fun.

No more homework.

She came back the next week elated because she was allowed to give up all this hard work she was doing.

And she certainly did pursue a little of this or that to help herself,

But mostly she did things she enjoyed.

She did things that made her feel good.

And sure enough,

Her shoulder felt so much better.

Motivation is limited and eventually expires and runs out.

Joy grows.

So follow your joy.

Step two is to take little steps.

Have you ever heard the saying,

How do you eat an elephant?

A bite at a time?

It reminds us that big,

Daunting,

Seemingly impossible tasks can be accomplished when we break it down and take it on over time.

When you take big bites of a problem,

You have to rise up to the challenge with great intensity.

You have to try really hard.

That intensity tells your system that whatever it is you're working on is unsafe and will eventually trigger a warning signal like pain,

Body symptoms,

Anxiety,

Or just for you to turn away from it.

You're not likely to be able to keep up that pace forever and eventually you're gonna get tired and overwhelmed.

Keep the stakes low by taking little bites of the problem.

Learning,

Healing,

And growing is about moving from what you are already capable of to what you're almost already capable of.

Just one little step beyond your current capacity.

Giant leaps are well beyond your capacity and although you may land on your feet most of the time,

Your system will eventually tire of it and will find a way to stop you.

So take little steps.

Go a little more than last time,

But not too much further than your capacity.

Step three.

Being thankful for what you already have.

Think of the progress towards your goal like a set of stairs.

You have to put your foot down on the first step before you can move on to the second step.

Often we do this without acknowledgement of what we've accomplished.

We expect ourselves to keep pushing through.

The same goes as you're striving for your goal.

We achieve one thing and then we push ourselves to the next and the next and the next and the next.

But all of this work and no play.

I'd like you to consider it a little differently.

I want you to stop,

If only for a short moment,

After each little step you take.

Let your body integrate.

Allow yourself to appreciate what you've accomplished.

Take a moment to have some pride in that little step that you had taken.

And be thankful for whatever comes.

Your effort,

Your discipline,

The fact that your mind and body can grow,

That you can heal,

That you can adapt.

Be thankful for the people that helped you.

Be thankful for what you already have,

Not what you're missing or what you're striving for.

So gratitude and appreciation makes all the effort worth it and softens the intensity around the process.

The fourth and final step.

Is to proceed gently.

For this step,

I'm reminded of a time when I was going to take my five-year-old and my two-and-a-half-year-old on a little bike ride.

The older one was confidently racing down the sidewalk with her bike and her training wheels.

And I took off to keep up with her because I was worried that she was going to blow right through a stop sign onto the busy street.

By the time I looked back,

My little one on her wee little tricycle was way back at our driveway crying because we left her behind.

Was I expecting my two-and-a-half-year-old to keep up with my more confident five-year-old and myself?

Now,

I was just learning that at the time.

But what I found is that we have to play to the levels of our different skill sets.

I needed to proceed at the pace of my most sensitive and lowest capacity family member at the time.

Not to blow forward and expect that lesser skill or lesser June on her little tricycle to catch up with us.

So consider this metaphor when you're working with yourself towards your new goal.

Proceed gently and slowly.

Listen closely to the messages of safety or fear from your body.

Take on only as much as you can tolerate,

Especially in some of your lesser developed areas.

Nurture safety and calm around those areas before you move to the next level.

And focus on one area or skill at a time until you're comfortable with it.

Thanks so much for joining me on this talk.

And I really hope it helped you see that trying hard isn't really the answer.

A softer,

Gentler,

And more mindful approach is the fastest and most effective way.

My name is Dr.

Adam Bledsoe and I hope you enjoy trying less hard.

Reviews

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

I’m so happy to find this talk. This is exactly where I’m at in life… Just realizing how much effort I put into trying too hard. And how it literally affects my health. I’ll be listening to this over and over letting its encouragement sink in.🙏🌈🧡🌞⭐️

I really enjoyed this! Very helpful as someone who was diagnosed with adhd two months ago at 53. Your talk reminded me that I don’t have to be in such a hurry to find ways to hack all my adhd challenges so I can get on with life. 🙂

Wise reminder, reassuring presence

Very helpful!

I needed to hear this today. Thank you 🙏

This is fantastic advice and much needed in this moment

Great reminders, even for those of us well-versed in the mindbody journey. Thank you!

An excellent reminder. Thank you.

So. True. Thank you!

Thank you for this guidance. Really made sense & helped me see why I’ve struggled at times to achieve in the past.

Thank you for offering this helpful reflection. I particularly appreciated the suggestion to only push a little further than where I already am so that I still feel safe.

Excellent talk! Very well said
Gentler and softer for me!