How To Set Boundaries With Family Members

Learn five ways you can set boundaries with your family members today. This educational track will give you specific skills and examples to use with your family. Healthy boundaries are essential to any relationship, whether you're dealing with coworkers, friends, or family. May you find pockets of peace throughout your day. Dr. Liz Slonena

Transcript

Hello brilliant being,

This is Dr.

Liss and I'm going to go through five ways you can set healthy boundaries with your family members.

It's really important to understand what your boundaries are so if you haven't already,

Do listen to five different types of boundaries because it's very important to identify what your boundaries are,

The behaviors,

The characteristics,

The actions that make you feel comfortable versus uncomfortable.

Some benefits of setting healthy boundaries with family members include maintaining your self-care and self-respect,

Communicating your needs in the relationship and getting them,

As well as making time and room in your life for positive interactions,

Showing up and having the best relationship that you can.

And setting boundaries with family members can be challenging but it is doable.

So let's dive into five ways that you can set and maintain healthy boundaries with your family.

So once again,

Once you have a firm understanding of what your boundaries are and the types of boundaries that you may want to put into place,

It's time to learn how to do so.

So number one,

Put your needs first.

Setting healthy boundaries starts with considering your personal needs and putting them first,

Really knowing them.

So ask yourself what you need from yourself and others to identify which boundaries you need to establish.

You really have to understand what your own needs are,

What needs are being met and not met,

To even communicate that with someone else.

And people who deal with challenging family members frequently find that they are ignoring their personal needs in favor of their families.

This includes people pleasing or even passive aggressiveness or doing things begrudgingly.

Whether you have to eat or sleep or just need some time for yourself,

You must put those necessities first before addressing the needs of others.

The classic put your oxygen mask on first before helping others comes to mind.

Remember you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of other people.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

So putting yourself first is the most compassionate thing that you can do for yourself and for others.

Number two,

Value your time and ask others to do the same.

One thing I'm pretty sure we all wish for is more time.

And setting boundaries on your time can be challenging when dealing with family members who expect it or monopolize it.

If you feel like your family members don't value your time in the same way they value their own,

You need to set boundaries and expectations as soon as possible.

One way to minimize conflicts and promote healthy communication with family members is to express your needs and firmness of your decisions clearly and compassionately.

Whether you have a prior commitment during a family gathering or can only attend an event until a certain time or can only visit for a few days rather than a whole week,

Setting clear boundaries on your time helps you build understanding with your family members so they know what to expect and you know what to expect.

Often,

Challenging family members are focused on their own needs and priorities and sometimes are oblivious to other people's times and constraint.

Regardless of their reasons,

Set your time boundaries by clearly expressing the importance,

Value,

And respect you give to your time and explaining that you expect the same from them.

Here are some examples of clearly and directly stating your boundaries and expectations.

I appreciate the invite but I'm unable to make that event.

Please keep me in mind for the next event.

Or,

I'm looking forward to seeing you over the holidays.

I won't make it to dinner but I can visit for lunch instead.

Or,

Thank you for offering your house to stay at.

I've already made reservations at a hotel and I'd love to celebrate Christmas dinner with you and the family.

Number three,

Take a direct and kind approach.

Understanding how to set boundaries with siblings or other challenging family members,

Start with a kind yet direct approach.

It's important to directly express your concerns,

Perspectives,

And desires to set healthy boundaries whenever possible.

And with this,

You may have to lead by example.

Focus on being kind and curious and compassionate and understanding while remaining firm in your decisions when setting boundaries.

This is more about stating what you've decided and what your boundaries are rather than asking for permission to do something.

And this communicates and shows how you wish them to treat you.

And it's okay if you are nervous or uncertain about taking a more direct approach or even setting boundaries.

I recommend practicing what you want to say either in the mirror or with a trusted friend before having a face-to-face conversation with your family member.

By role-playing this or writing down what you have to say will make it easier when you are approaching that family member.

What you practice grows stronger and boundaries is one of those skills.

And when you take a simple direct approach,

You may be surprised at your family member's understanding and appreciation for your honesty.

If you haven't noticed already,

My examples of what to say lead with kindness and then follow up with a statement of what you feel comfortable with and what you want them to respect.

Number four,

Set realistic expectations for relationships.

It's essential to set realistic expectations for your relationships with your family members.

While anyone is capable of change,

It is important to recognize the realistic expectation of how how someone may respond to your boundary.

And so by preparing yourself mentally of what are the realistic expectations of your relationship is vitally important.

For example,

If a family member consistently oversteps your boundaries,

This may be the first time that you do stand up for yourself and they may be a little bit taken back at first.

And it's important to understand,

Hey,

What clear communication help the other person understand or are they likely to continue their behavior regardless of what you say by setting realistic expectations of your relationship,

How one may respond to your boundaries is very important.

And a lot of work around acceptance of your family members,

How they are,

How they respond,

How they engage so that you can be prepared to follow through on the consequences if they do ignore your boundaries.

What important skill for this is the broken record technique.

Let's say that you do set a boundary that I am not coming to Christmas dinner this year.

And despite how many no's and clear expectations of no,

I'm not coming to Christmas dinner this year,

They ignore your answer.

However,

With the broken record technique,

You continue to repeat it,

Repeat,

Repeat,

Repeat until you're blue in the face that no,

I will not be coming to Christmas dinner.

Please respect my decision.

And with that,

You are really firm,

You are unwavering,

And it sends a clear message that you are staying true to yourself.

This is a boundary and you are not going to take no for an answer.

Number five,

Avoid engaging in family gossip.

I know gossip can be really juicy,

Especially if there's a lot going on.

But gossiping with family members almost always leads to conflict and feelings of resentment and splitting.

And no one wants that.

One of the best ways to set boundaries with challenging family members is to choose not to engage in family gossip.

And I'm not going to repeat myself,

But it's important to choose not to engage in family gossip,

Regardless of the circumstances.

Many times setting healthy boundaries starts with removing yourself from those challenging situations,

Or those situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

By choosing to remove yourself from the family gossip circle also means removing yourself from the family gossip circle.

When you choose to stay out of family gossip,

It's easier to avoid that family drama.

And you are again,

Setting those healthy boundaries that gossip within the family is not okay,

And you are not comfortable with it.

So to review five tips to set healthy boundaries with your family members is one,

Put your needs first,

Identify your boundaries.

Number two,

Value your time and ask others to do the same.

Number three,

Take a direct and kind approach,

Leading with kindness with a request.

And number four,

Setting realistic expectations for relationships,

Accepting that person for who they truly are.

And number five,

Choosing not to engage in family gossip.

I hope these tips were helpful for you.

And I'd love to hear if you've tried any of these out.

Again,

My name is Dr.

Liz,

And may you find pockets of peace throughout your day.

Take care.

Reviews

Due to finances and aging my parents now live in an rv in my driveway. Prior to that they lived out of state and I’d see them rarely. I’m finding it hard to set boundaries when we’re on top of each other. I’ve been trying to keep the peace but find that means I’m the one always compromising. I know it’s time to start having honest conversations about my needs. This is a good start

I’ve been looking for a teenager version on setting boundaries. This was great advice for myself in setting boundaries! Thank you!

Very helpful & validating. I like the idea of practicing in the mirror. Thank you!

Dealing with family can be challenging and stressful. Your guidance and tips were easy to understand and incredibly helpful.

I enjoyed these reminders!

Boundaries in all relationships are essential and, ultimately, rewarding!

Many thanks!🙏