Feedback Without Fear

Feedback is information about ourselves that will help us become better writers and speakers. And meditators. We give feedback to help people – including ourselves – understand what we do well and how we could do better. This talk explores the elements of feedback, how to give and receive feedback effectively, and why feedback can be intimidating. It will help us be more open to accepting insights from others and offering up our own.

Transcript

Feedback without fear.

Feedback is information about our communication,

Content and tone,

That will help us become better writers and speakers and meditators.

We give feedback to help people,

Including ourselves,

Understand what we could do better and what we should do better.

Feedback is not about showing superiority.

It is not about glossing over or ignoring issues.

It's not about telling people or ourselves,

We did a great job when we didn't.

And it's not about seeking out a glowing review of our skills.

It's about identifying what we could do better,

How we could be better.

And frankly,

This scares the spinach out of us.

It is important to understand why giving and receiving feedback intimidates many of us.

Giving feedback is difficult both personally and professionally.

As a boss,

A colleague,

A partner,

We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,

And we don't want to be perceived as being mean.

We want to be liked,

And we worry saying something not nice,

At the very least not positive,

Will alter people's views of us.

This concern is also tied to another feedback reality.

What's the best way to do this?

As receivers of feedback,

Criticism really,

We feel vulnerable.

We don't want to be told we're not perfect,

Even though we suspect this may be the case.

It's hard to stand before someone,

Literally or figuratively,

And expose ourselves,

Warts and all.

We'd rather be told we're doing a great job and leave it at that.

Critiques can be hard to handle objectively.

There is a tendency to take things personally,

To let the noise in our mind consume our thoughts.

There's a Charles Schultz Peanuts cartoon where Lucy is yelling at the back of a retreating Linus,

You can't take destructive criticism.

And therein lies the aversion to feedback.

It can be hurtful,

Whether intentionally or otherwise.

So let's look at feedback in a new light.

It's not about personal failure,

And it's not about being a miserable human being.

It's about helping ourselves and others to communicate better,

To do better.

When that happens,

Everyone benefits.

We've been talking about feedback as if it's one thing.

In their book,

Thanks for the Feedback,

The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well,

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen point out that feedback falls into three groups.

First,

There is appreciation.

This is more about saying thank you.

It's about connecting with another person in a fundamental way.

It's also about demonstrating that that individual has value,

And we see that value.

We must also see this value in ourselves.

Coaching is another type of feedback.

The emphasis here is on growth and development,

And finding collective solutions that will help someone improve their skills,

Their outlook,

Their way of being.

Finally,

There is evaluation.

This may be what most of us think of when we think of feedback.

This is typically exemplified by the quarterly or annual performance review.

Indeed,

Many organizations actually use an assessment checklist as a means of providing feedback.

Stone and Heen note that this type of feedback aligns expectations,

Clarifies consequences,

And informs decision-making.

It also compares an individual to other individuals,

A set of standards,

Or other performance measures.

Understanding that feedback is not one thing serves as a critical reminder that whether we are giving or receiving feedback,

We need to set goals.

What is it we are trying to achieve?

How will we know if we have achieved the desired outcomes?

How do we feel about giving and receiving feedback?

How do we want to feel?

And how do we want the other person,

Including ourself,

To feel?

If we're asking for feedback,

Either formal or informal,

We need to be open and receptive to the comments we get back.

That means preparing ourselves to hear that,

Surprisingly,

We are not perfect.

There will be room for improvement.

However,

If we take those comments in the spirit in which they were intended,

We will actually appreciate the feedback and put it to use.

As our skin gets thicker and we become more open to hearing how we could improve,

We can reach out to those whose feedback we desire the most and dread the most.

Bosses,

Friends,

Close colleagues,

Even family.

When we are the feedback givers,

We need to consider our listener or our reader.

It's important to have a clear understanding of what they want from us.

If they're asking for comments on a report,

There is no need to discuss their,

Admittedly,

Dreadful presentations.

When giving feedback face-to-face or over the phone,

We have a greater opportunity to understand how our comments are being received.

Is the body language receptive?

Does the tone of voice sound tense,

Relaxed?

Do facial expressions convey openness with a hint of a grin?

Or is it more like a deer in the headlights?

We'll adjust accordingly.

Keeping our feedback as descriptive,

Direct,

And clear as possible is critical.

If we're on the receiving end,

We'll want to be sure to request this by,

For instance,

Asking.

Could you give me an example?

Would you mind explaining this in a little more detail?

Would it be helpful if I did X?

One of the main causes of noise,

Those mental distractions that often plague us,

Is moving from the professional,

Often seen as the objective,

To the personal,

Often seen as the subjective.

Once listeners and readers start taking things personally,

They will react emotionally and often negatively.

They may get defensive.

They may get upset.

They may get angry.

What they don't get is our message.

To stay out of emotional quicksand,

Focus on the person's behavior,

Skills,

Or performance,

And not the person themselves.

This is more neutral ground.

The content must also be relevant.

If we're talking about why spinach crop yields are down,

There is no need to bring up kale or Bluto.

Equally important,

Stay away from comparisons,

Especially to other people.

Tone is critical here.

We must sound nonjudgmental,

Whether we're speaking or writing,

And especially if we're talking to ourselves.

It's back to neutral territory,

But supportive neutral territory.

The proof of our four-step process helps here.

It's a process that calls on us to analyze the situation before we offer up information.

It documents that we are not lashing out with our comments,

Trying to mark our territory,

Or getting even.

It's about constructive,

Not destructive,

Criticism.

One way to demonstrate support and professionalism is to offer solutions when possible.

Frankly,

It's easy to enumerate another person's shortcomings and our own.

It's much harder and far more productive to help effectively address issues.

Offering solutions takes the sting away from the negative news,

And it builds goodwill.

Solutions,

However,

Should be offered up as suggestions or opportunities,

Not a fix to a problem or problems that need to be resolved.

If we can provide proposed solutions while encouraging reflection,

We have a greater chance that our audience will understand the feedback.

It's also important to remember that there is a significant difference between hearing and listening.

Much of the time,

As someone is speaking,

We are already formulating our response or our objections.

Active listening calls on us to do something far differently and far more effectively.

It starts with us actually listening.

This means we're not thinking about the spinach casserole for supper,

Trying to figure out what that annoying background noise is,

Or clenching because we're bored out of our minds.

Active listening,

Sometimes called reflective listening,

Requires us to be engaged in the conversation as a listener.

We won't sit there passively.

We'll take notes.

We'll lean in.

We'll nod.

We'll smile.

We'll look at the speaker.

This is feedback.

It will let the speaker know we are paying attention,

We are interested,

We are working to understand the content.

Such feedback builds trust and goodwill.

It also reduces misunderstanding and miscommunication with others and within ourselves.

I'd like to leave you with a little quote from Frank Sonnenberg.

Feedback turns good into better and better into the best.

Thank you for joining me today.

I'm Donna Lee.

May you journey forward with compassion,

Awareness,

And beauty.