Let's talk about listening.
It sounds so simple.
All you have to do is stand or sit,
Perhaps stare straight ahead and concentrate.
Truth is,
Many of us hear but we don't listen.
Sometimes we don't listen to that voice within ourselves and sometimes we don't listen to others.
It's very easy to get distracted.
This talk is going to look at a concept called active listening,
Fully engaging.
It's a technique that's used when you're listening to others but it's also a technique that you can use when you're listening to yourself.
When that voice in your head keeps repeating thoughts and providing information,
It seems a little overwhelming.
It's about separating what someone is saying,
Even if that someone is you,
From what you are thinking.
So there is a difference between hearing and listening.
Much of the time,
As someone is speaking,
We're already formulating our response or our objections.
Active listening calls on us to do something far differently and far more effectively.
It starts with us actually listening.
This means we're not thinking about the spinach casserole for supper,
Trying to figure out what that annoying background sound is or clenching because we're bored out of our minds.
Active listening,
Which is sometimes called reflective listening,
Requires us to be engaged in the conversation as a listener.
We won't sit there passively.
We'll take notes,
We'll lean in,
We'll nod,
We'll smile,
We will look at the speaker.
This is feedback.
It will let the speaker know we are paying attention,
We are interested,
We are working to understand the content.
Such feedback builds trust and goodwill.
It also reduces misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Writers can also actively listen,
Although we don't call it that.
We call it paying close attention to what has been said and how it has been said.
Can we understand the main points?
Is the message clear?
Is the tone friendly and relaxed,
Stiff and formal?
Then we respond.
It's about being mindful.
There are numerous books,
Articles,
Presentations on active listening.
It's that important.
Among the steps that are recommended to be an active listener is to first be relaxed.
You can't be attentive if you are not relaxed.
You also have to be willing to listen.
This means that you have to have an open mind.
You will have ideas,
You will have opinions,
But try not to make them preconceived and rigid.
It's about flexibility.
It's also about listening to what the words are saying in terms of the meaning that they convey.
It's also about listening to the tone behind the words.
Is this friendly?
Is this tense?
That gives you great insight into what the speaker is trying to convey.
It's also about being polite and engaged.
All too often,
Especially today,
When speakers are talking,
You'll see people on their phones,
You'll see people taking notes on their phones,
You'll see them drifting off somewhere else.
This sends a message to the speaker that what they are saying is not of interest or not of value.
If you look at the speaker,
If you take a moment to lean in,
If you nod,
If you make eye contact,
That all says something to the speaker that is both valuable and valued.
The other thing is listen to the end.
We have questions,
We have objections,
We have something that we want to add to the discussion and often we interrupt.
Those things are important and you want to get them out there,
But there's a time to get them out there and that time is after the speaker has finished talking.
Body language is also important.
How does your speaker look?
Are they comfortable?
Are they relaxed?
Are they engaged?
Is something else going on?
This will,
One,
Enable you to interpret the message more accurately,
But it will also enable you to respond more appropriately.
At a basic level,
At any moment,
We can listen in one of three directions.
We can listen to ourselves,
We can listen to others,
And we can listen to our environment.
Listening to ourselves is what we spend most of the time doing.
We focus on our thoughts,
Our feelings,
Our opinions.
When we listen to ourselves,
We are largely cut off from what is happening around us.
Listening to others,
On the other hand,
Requires focused or empathetic listening.
It requires shifting the focus away from the self and to another.
It requires being able to see through another's eyes.
In essence,
It is mindful.
Empathetic listening is what we've talked about already in terms of active listening.
It's looking for unspoken cues,
That body language,
The gestures,
But it does so much more for both the listener and the speaker.
It promotes trust.
It encourages greater openness,
Candor,
And engagement.
We also learn more.
We get better information,
And we have a better chance of hearing what we need to hear,
Not what we want to hear.
As a result,
We make better decisions,
We feel better about ourselves,
And other people feel valued.
The third kind of listening we do is listening to our environment.
This is also called global listening.
It requires a softer focus,
A 360-degree view.
We become very aware of the prevailing mood and energy in any specific situation.
That's when we're able to create an awareness of what is being said and what isn't being said.
We become more skilled at listening.
We also become more skilled at speaking and engaging people as well.
We also get a sense of when to step in,
When to step back.
We can often indicate when there might be some resistance,
Something that we need to delve into a little further.
We can,
In fact,
Take action,
But we can only act after we've listened.
Our listening skills really rely on a few critical elements.
The first is to develop an awareness,
And that doesn't just happen.
That requires us to take the time and the effort.
Active listening really is about being active.
Like meditation,
You need to practice,
Practice,
Practice.
We also need to pay attention to where our focus is when it should be on the speaker.
Too often,
We have drifted.
We have become distracted.
We are somewhere else.
We need to bring ourselves back to the current situation and pay attention.
That's about active listening.
I hope it helps.
I'd like to leave you with this quote from Roy Bennett,
Author of The Light in the Heart.
Listen with curiosity,
Speak with honesty,
Act with integrity.
The greatest problem with communication is we don't listen to understand.
We listen to reply.
When we listen with curiosity,
We don't listen with the intent to reply.
We listen for what's behind the words.
Thank you for listening with me.
I'm Donna Lee.
Take care.
