Practice Like You're Sitting On The Stoop

Vipassana is en unending process of purification of motivation for our practice. With what attitude are we showing up to each moment of life passing by?

Transcript

Ever since I can remember,

I've,

Um,

I've enjoyed,

Um,

Wherever I've lived.

I mean,

From when I,

The kind of first house I can remember as a little kid,

Up through,

Um,

My adulthood.

I've,

I've really appreciated and enjoyed,

Um,

Being able to sit on my stoop and just watch the world,

Uh,

Kind of go by.

And I've had a,

You know,

A few different places I've lived where that's really been,

Um,

A great thing to have.

And I've,

Um,

Especially before coming to meditation practice,

Having this sense of this sort of little place you can kind of sit and just watch things go by and the kind of life of the community and wherever,

You know,

Wherever I am.

And,

Um,

This sense of,

Of kind of closeness and wonder and interest and,

And also some sort of distance,

You know,

The sense of watching it,

You know,

Um,

The sense of being a part of things and also apart from things.

Um,

And this kind of moving back and forth in,

In this,

This way.

And I,

Um,

Don't have that kind of situation where I live right now.

Uh,

It's in a quieter place that my stoop doesn't look out upon anything.

Um,

And so,

Uh,

Not that there's nothing,

But it's not,

It's just isn't quite oriented in that same sort of way.

So,

Uh,

When I,

Uh,

Travel or in particular I notice when I come here,

I,

Um,

I really enjoy going to the,

There's this park not too far outside,

Uh,

The bounds of this area,

You know,

In that direction.

And,

Uh,

Just,

You know,

Sitting on a bench and kind of doing that same sort of thing.

Uh,

Just watching,

Uh,

All these people,

You know,

Doing all the things that they do.

And,

Uh,

Uh,

And so,

You know,

It's not like I have tons of time to do it,

But I'll,

You know,

In the morning go take a walk or,

Um,

Sometimes,

You know,

I've been able to go kind of work on my talk out there and,

Um,

Just really,

Uh,

It's just,

There's something very moving,

You know,

It's like seeing in the early mornings,

Um,

These sort of things,

You know,

Where you'll have,

There's this,

These two people with these big trucks,

They,

They drive every morning to kind of perch,

You know,

And they sit in their trucks looking out at the,

At the river and they talk to each other,

You know,

As they're drinking their morning coffee,

You know,

Before going to work.

Uh,

And,

You know,

People walking their dogs and,

Uh,

People doing exercises,

You know,

Someone swimming early,

Someone doing these,

Like,

Backward crawls down this long staircase,

You know,

These,

Like,

Funny things,

Uh,

Seeing people,

Uh,

Come after their shifts at work,

You know,

And just sitting in their cars and eating their takeout,

You know,

Just watching the river.

Um,

Of course,

You know,

All the children playing,

You know,

This,

There,

There's still,

Um,

It's still summer,

You know,

It's that you can feel that kind of poignancy of the end of it,

Uh,

But there's,

You know,

Kids swimming and,

Uh,

Parents around and people picnicking.

You see these kids that are so cute and some kids that are so annoying,

You know,

And ones that are so mean and parents that are,

Like,

Really kind and parents that are really mean and,

Uh,

Parents that are really sad,

You know,

People who are happy,

People who seem really kind of down and out.

Uh,

This whole wide spectrum,

You know,

Of experience.

I saw a woman today with just the,

Just longest,

Whitest hair I've ever seen,

You know,

Down to,

Like,

Her ankles.

Um,

This elderly couple playing catch with the mitts,

You know,

In their softball,

Uh,

Last week there was,

Uh,

Like,

Kind of Scottish,

Scottish dancing thing happening.

We heard a little,

Probably,

Of the bagpipes,

You know,

And this,

That whole piece of,

You know,

A culture that's,

They dress up and they get their hairs done and they're in their little outfits and,

You know,

People probably,

You know,

From that heritage,

That's a big part of the history here.

The next day seeing almost all Indian families there,

You know,

Having picnics and hanging out.

The next day,

Almost all,

I don't know where they were from,

But Muslim families,

You know,

Women in their scarves and,

Um,

Uh,

And,

Like,

So beautiful to see,

Uh,

Like,

The,

Having come from,

When we were teaching a weekend in Vancouver,

Uh,

Right when there was this,

Like,

Um,

You know,

Kind of white supremacist rally in Vancouver that was happening and,

Uh,

Just how,

Like,

Horrifying that was.

And then to see this of,

Like,

These families just cook,

Barbecuing,

You know,

And drinking pop and doing the same thing everyone else is doing and the kids having fun with,

You know,

It's like the white families here and just,

Like,

It's just,

Like,

This sense of,

Um,

Hope and possibility in that,

You know.

Uh,

How,

How inspiring,

You know,

Sometimes that can be.

And then walked out at night once and,

You know,

All these teenagers.

LAUGHTER Doing whatever they do,

You know,

And,

Um,

The next morning,

You know,

Beer cans sort of strewn around and there's a trash can right there,

You know,

You're like.

.

.

Hope for the future,

Frustration for the future.

And just in all the,

You know,

The,

Uh,

I,

You know,

Today there were these,

Like,

These,

Um,

Pileated woodpeckers around and,

Um,

Saw an osprey the other day and actually two eagles one day,

But mostly it's seagulls,

You know,

It's like these amazing creatures that I tend to not pay attention to.

They're like,

Eww,

Seagulls,

You know,

I'd much rather see the eagle.

And they're amazing,

You know,

They're so social actually,

You know,

They're kind of checking you out and seeing what's around,

You know,

The,

Um,

To,

To go through this process of,

Like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Where do we go through the,

The interesting and the mundane and start to,

Uh,

Have,

You know,

This,

This practice really of having a relationship with,

With as much of it as we can.

All the smells,

You know,

Smelling someone eating their McDonald's and smelling just the smell of the river,

Smelling the sewage plant when it gets going,

Marijuana from somewhere,

You know,

In the woods.

It's like,

Oh,

Right,

It's all,

All the,

It's so evocative,

You know,

All of it,

These senses and the hearts,

Uh,

You know,

Uh,

Contractions and openings and,

Um,

How,

How powerful it is to both try to watch,

Observe the world and observe the heart,

You know,

In this process of it.

And,

Uh,

The hope and the pain and the,

You know,

Uh,

Inspiring things and the curious things and the,

You know,

All of that process of,

Um,

Observing life,

You know,

As it's unfolding kind of,

You know,

Out of our control in this public way,

This public space,

How beautiful,

Uh,

And hard that can be.

And the sense,

Um,

Of,

You know,

Being intimate but also distant,

You know,

Being a stranger,

Feeling so,

You can,

You know,

Especially when you're a yogi,

A sense of,

You know,

Compassion and care can come out so powerfully and then people leave,

You know,

They pack up and there's that,

You know,

That sense of sadness in the heart,

You know,

Of,

Uh,

The loss of connection.

There was a person drove up in this,

Like,

Cherry red 1956 Pontiac refurbished,

Like,

Glowing kind of thing,

You know,

And I'm seeing,

Like,

It was for sale,

You know,

And just like,

Wow,

So glad I don't have 20 grand sitting in my bank account,

You know.

It's like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Wanting,

You know,

So powerful,

This process.

Saved by that one,

But just this sense of,

You know,

How much can we have that kind of relationship to our practice,

You know,

Can we relate to our practice in this way,

Sort of like sitting on the stoop of the mind,

Sitting in the kind of park of this mental,

Emotional,

Physical experience and range of experiences that are unfolding,

How powerful it is to have that,

You know,

With that approach,

You know,

Can we have that sense of care,

You know,

Of the awe and the wonder and the variety and the unexpected and unpredictable,

You know,

And the beauty and the hardship of that,

That sense of our ability to care for all of it.

Of course,

It's not just the outer world,

It's this inner world where we practice these things,

You know,

Practice our relationship with pain,

With joy,

With spacing out,

You know,

With whatever,

With all of these aspects of the heart.

Can we have that place of easefulness while we're watching,

But also that sense of carefulness with seeing how we can get attached,

You know,

Attached to the entertainment of it.

It is sometimes harder,

You know,

Or you go,

I'll go to the park and it'll be empty,

You know,

At a certain hour,

And it's like,

Oh,

That sense of the mind wanting,

You know,

Wanting more,

Wanting this more activity,

More action,

More interesting things going on.

What is it like to sit in that sense of expectation of contraction around experience?

And how do we do it in a way that is still maintaining that distance?

You know,

I'm sure if the mayor of Armpire goes to the park,

They can't just do what I,

You know,

They can't just sit there and watch.

It's like there's this bombardment of relationship and expectation and engagement that needs to happen.

How do we have that in our own minds,

The sense of like connection,

But also this separateness,

You know,

This,

This observational quality,

This watching of what's happening,

Not always buying into it,

Getting so involved.

Deepa Ma is a very well-known,

Beloved,

Also lay woman,

Teacher,

One of Michelle's early teachers.

She said,

If everything is noted,

All your emotional difficulties will disappear.

When you feel happy,

Don't get involved in happiness.

When you feel sad,

Don't get involved with it.

Whatever comes,

Don't worry.

Just be aware of it.

There's something so pure about that,

You know,

It's not resisting happiness,

It's not resisting pain,

But it's also not getting so involved.

There's this non-attachment and disenchantment with the experiences of what we're seeing.

And sometimes,

You know,

The heart is confronted with the places where even through this observational path and process,

We still build expectations,

We still build hopes around our experience.

And sometimes it is these certain experiences that allow us to see that contraction,

See that longing,

See that wanting in the heart,

And that we learn about those places as well,

Often not through the most exciting experiences,

Sometimes through the most more neutral experiences.

I remember a few years ago now teaching a little bit of meditation as part of a kind of larger program that I was working with people in a conservation organization.

And so they were there for a whole bunch of activities and conversations,

And there was this sort of meditation component to it.

And most of them were not into that.

They're scientists and they're trying to save the world,

And this was just like,

They felt like they had to,

You know,

Okay,

We'll do this for half an hour and then we'll get to our work.

So I was trying this,

I tried to kind of offer that possibility that maybe they could consider that one of their most authentic and powerful visceral experiences of nature could be their experience in their own body,

In their own mind,

Which they didn't.

I think it was conceivable.

But over the time together,

Of course,

You know,

There were some people who got more of a taste of it and who had that sense of acknowledging this,

Right,

Of this sense of,

Wow,

There is this wildness and all this,

You know,

We actually are part of nature,

And that if we relate to the body in that way and the mind in that way,

It's very different.

It can give us a very different approach to our understanding of the mind and body and a different understanding of our relationship to nature and to these natural phenomena.

And one man said at the end how he started that,

He had grown up one place,

He had moved many places in his life,

And he had always,

He was an ornithologist,

And so he just knew all these bird songs,

And that he realized that everywhere he went,

He was always listening to that,

Right,

That what were the birds that were around,

What were the rhythms of migration happening,

How had those changed over years,

And the places that he had been to,

And he said something very beautiful that he realized that his life was strung together through bird song.

And it was so powerful to see that understanding in him,

You know,

Of his ability to kind of read this language,

You know,

Of sound,

Of the world around us in a way that had lots of meaning,

You know,

That without the training,

Without the understanding,

It wouldn't have that same meaning,

You know,

We wouldn't know how to read that,

How to interpret those things.

And I think there's something also about that,

The social world,

Right,

There's the world of nature and then there's the world of humanity and the human world we're in,

That actually it's the same thing,

That sometimes we have this sense of this practice as not being meaningful in relationship to that world,

But that we can actually have some of our deepest experiences of humanity and understanding humanity and the patterns and the tendencies and the conflicts and the beauty of humanity actually within this experience of the mind and body as well.

And how much love is possible in that and how much release is possible in that,

How much letting go,

How much,

Again,

This process of disenchantment that's actually so essential to this path and this practice and the kind of freedom that the Buddha was talking about.

And so just like there's these times where,

You know,

Going out to the park or going out to the stoop or,

You know,

Whatever,

They don't provide the entertainment that we're used to,

You know,

This understanding that the heart can be the same way.

You know,

We can go through these periods where it's like a desert,

You know,

That these places are the sort of desert of the heart,

Desert of the mind.

There's long periods sometimes where it doesn't feel like anything exciting is happening,

You know,

Where we can feel like we're sort of wandering and lost and the sort of,

Sometimes it's that neutrality of the experience that's really what gets so hard to actually be interested in,

You know.

Like I was saying before,

The sense of sometimes we'll even prefer the unpleasant to the neutral because at least it's intense,

You know,

At least it kind of reaffirms the sense of who we are and our sort of vitality in life and these neutral places where it feels like,

Oh,

It's all the same,

You know,

The kind of barrenness at times of the heart can be a real challenge,

Real difficult at times to keep that sense of connection to faith or to possibility,

To the heart's capacity for release and relief.

But it's also for so many of us actually such a powerful process of maturing the practice,

Right,

Of being confronted face to face with these deeper longings that we have and the lack of objects for them to grab onto.

You know,

People have gone to the desert for,

You know,

Thousands of years as far as we know,

If not longer,

You know,

For this process of purification of the heart,

You know,

Of going to this kind of intense and barren landscape to help purify,

You know,

Sometimes it's,

You know,

Maybe to have visions,

But other times it's that starkness,

Right,

The barrenness of the landscape,

Of the monotony of it that is what people understand to be so purifying,

So difficult and challenging,

But also so important to get at these places of longing and see this thirst in the heart.

Even in this tradition that the word tanha,

Which is what tends to be translated as craving,

Wanting,

Craving,

Desire,

Literally means thirst,

Right.

We don't tend to use that word because it doesn't evoke the sort of same quality sometimes in English,

In that language,

But this sense of this thirst of the heart and this process of coming to quench that thirst,

Right,

Not through satisfaction with objects as we see them to be impermanent,

Undependable,

Changing,

Right,

But through that release,

This quenchedness that comes through the release of the thirst,

Release of the wanting,

This wisdom,

But that this process involves this disenchantment with phenomena or with things,

It's this letting go of the expectation of satisfaction from anything in particular and that that's very difficult,

You know,

For the heart,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very difficult for the heart.

I think about,

You know,

The traditions that are more desert-oriented came from those places and thrived in those places.

Seek that purity of experience as this kind of crucible to kind of watch that contraction and watch the places of doubt and find those deeper places of faith.

I always feel.

.

.

Of course,

One feels compassion for Jesus,

You know,

Having suffered so much,

And of course you get the sense he must have,

You know,

He sort of got what was coming to him in one way,

He stuck out,

You know,

He called forth this thing,

You know,

And if he hadn't suffered in that way,

There wouldn't be a lot of what we know recognized as human history.

But I think of Moses in a different way in that sense where he didn't want to be a leader,

You know,

He didn't have that same calling personally to show up for that role and he was a much more reluctant leader and that process of bringing his people through the desert and like,

You know,

Just these stories,

Like every time he'd go off to like have this conversation with God,

He'd come back and his people were like messing up again,

You know,

And this sense of like then they were worshipping this golden calf and they were off doing this and it's like,

Ah,

You know,

Like the sense of how hard it is to go through the desert for so long,

You know,

And just like the faithlessness that's so immediate,

You know,

The sense of like,

Oh my God,

Let's just grab on to something,

You know,

Whatever it is,

You know,

And the sense of like,

Oh,

The poor guy,

You know,

How to keep coming back,

He's like,

Come on,

Come on,

Come on,

Come on,

Put him back on the program,

You know,

And yet how beautiful,

You know,

And that we have those parts of ourselves,

Right,

Kind of like that story of the camel,

You know,

The sense of at times,

You know,

Showing up in these vast plains of doubt or of uncertainty,

Sometimes just kind of non-excitement,

You know,

It doesn't feel engaging,

We have to really seek to sort of feel that place of interest in the monotony of aspects of the heart and the repetition of it.

I have a friend whose father recently passed away and she said that in his last days,

There was a period of time,

You know,

Where he was kind of,

You know,

Between worlds and he just,

He kept saying,

It repeats,

It repeats,

It repeats,

It repeats,

And how we can be so plagued by that,

Vexed by that at times,

You know,

If we don't have any sense of perspective on it,

Any sense of freedom with it,

Any sense of compassion,

Kindness,

Loving actually for these parts of the mind that are just like,

Seem relentlessly repeating over and over and over and over,

You know,

That barrenness of it.

Even when I kind of have these times at a place like the park or on a stoop,

You know,

There are moments where I'll feel this just profound,

You know,

Connection to humanity,

You know,

And all of its expression and wildness and it reminds me sometimes of Walt Whitman,

His,

Some of his,

You know,

Leaves of Grass,

There's a Crossing Brooklyn Ferry,

He's got this great part of that poem that he just is,

You know,

Going back and forth with just the humanity,

You know,

And all of its permutations and its sense of how it will be in the future and in the past and this wonderment of it and what an inspiration it is for that sense of connection to that full range of humanity.

And then I've read recently his,

He had a difficult death.

And in that last week of his life,

He said,

I suffer all the time.

I have no relief,

No escape.

It's monotony,

Monotony in pain.

And so you can see,

Again,

It's like we have to have both parts of this.

There's the wonderment and the love and the sense of awe and connection.

But if we don't also practice that disenchantment,

Right,

That understanding that we're not going to find satisfaction out of experience ultimately,

Right?

One way or another,

We might have the easy death where we pass away in our sleep,

But we might not,

You know,

It might be a very painful experience.

It might be a very confusing experience.

There's the huge full range of what that might look like,

Right?

And the sense of like,

Are we preparing our hearts for that?

Can we be okay with confusion?

Can we be okay when perception changes,

When things don't look familiar as we are used to seeing them,

When things internally don't feel familiar,

When there's difficult physical sensation,

When there's pleasant physical sensation?

Do we have minds and hearts that are capable of showing up for that full range,

Right,

Of not being disappointed in the fact of hardship at the end?

Or if there's disappointment,

Being okay with that disappointment,

Right?

Finding our place of caring and understanding.

Of course we're disappointed,

Right?

To not also project our fantasy selves of who we'd like to be,

How enlightened we'd like to be at our death,

Right?

And not just in our death,

But throughout our lives,

Right,

Throughout our moments of experience,

You know,

Do we have this relationship with the hardship,

With the neutral,

With the deserts,

And with the pleasant,

Right,

The pleasurable?

Do we have a relationship of the heart's longing?

There's a.

.

.

Sometimes just this appreciation also of,

You know,

You can see the moon has been growing over the last.

.

.

Our time together,

Coming out early,

You know,

The different points of the day,

You know,

Different places in the sky,

Seeing it more,

Providing more light.

And there's something so powerful often about these metaphors of the moon that even though it is changing,

There's a steadiness to it,

Right?

There's this regularity,

This evenness to it.

And that this light still continues to shine down,

No matter what is changing on the world beneath.

Stonehouse,

Chinese poet from the 14th century.

Speaking of this peace of mind that's possible,

He said,

It's something no one can force.

Besides knowing it's there,

There's nothing to know.

The moon shines bright above the flowering plum.

But who can look past the blossoms?

And so we have this relationship of observation,

But also of not getting caught up in them,

Right?

Of seeing that there's something beyond it.

There's a peace of mind,

A tranquility,

And a kindness,

And an acceptance,

And all of these beautiful qualities that are available,

Actually outside of the experience of the object,

Of whatever we're watching.

That there's this relationship with what we're watching that can have that steadiness.

But who can look past the blossoms?

Can we see past the experience itself as our judgement of if we're doing well or doing poorly?

If we're on the rise or if we're on the decline,

Finding this steadiness beyond that.

I found this book here.

I mean,

Carlo Carretto,

Who joined a small group of Catholic monastics in Algeria in the desert,

It followed,

This group had started before him of people who had gone out to the desert to pray,

To purify their hearts.

He was talking about his own journey to the desert,

And he said,

But the same way is not for everybody,

And if you cannot go into the desert,

You must nonetheless make some desert in your life.

Every now and then,

Leaving men and looking for solitude to restore,

In prolonged silence and prayer,

The stuff of your soul.

This is the meaning of desert in your spiritual life.

One hour a day,

One day a month,

Eight days a year,

For longer if necessary,

You must leave everything and everybody and retire,

Alone with God.

If you don't look for the solitude,

If you don't love it,

You won't achieve real contemplative prayer.

This word disenchantment,

Again,

Can have a kind of negative quality in terms of how we would tend to use it in English.

This sense of maybe hopelessness or despair,

Disappointment,

Is often what we talk about disenchantment as.

But in this tradition,

It is thought of as joyous.

It is thought of as a very grounded kind of joy,

A very peaceful kind of joy.

But the beauty of the heart's release and the sense of not being enchanted,

Having the spell of the world fall apart,

To be freed from the spell of enchantment,

Is actually the heart's release.

And how difficult that is because we like to be enchanted.

We like the sense of investment and satisfaction in life,

In the world,

In the world of experience and sense pleasure,

Or at least coming out in a middle ground,

That we die with more pleasure than displeasure.

There's a very important group of phenomena that are talked about in the tradition,

The four Lokadhamma,

Worldly conditions that the Buddha spoke of as pleasure and pain,

Gain and loss,

Pleasure and pain,

Praise and blame,

And status and ill repute.

So these four kind of matrices that we tend to evaluate so much of our life in and evaluate,

Experience in.

More pleasure,

Less pain.

More gain,

Less loss.

More praise,

Less blame.

More status,

Less disgrace.

And that we are imprisoned by this kind of evaluation of our lives.

That this fixation on all of these scales being on one side versus the other is a prison for ourselves.

And it's a way that we are bound to reality and experience in a way that is oppressive.

And this sense of what is the freedom of being not invested in if there's gain or if there's loss,

If there's pleasure or if there's pain,

If there's praise or if there's blame,

If we're honored or if we're shunned.

You know,

I mean,

We just look at all the places in which we are pretty consistently invested in those things,

You know.

And again,

The understandability of it.

Of course we want pleasure.

Of course we want praise.

Of course we want to be honored.

Of course,

Of course,

Of course.

And we should also have this sense of how it's never enough.

We can start to see that no matter how much pleasure we get,

It's never enough.

How much gain we get,

It's never enough.

There's the fear of insecurity.

There's the fear of losing it,

Of needing more.

How much praise we get.

I mean,

You can just see it's like it feels so good,

Right?

And someone's like,

Oh,

You did good.

And then it's like,

Oh,

It's just,

It's never enough.

You know,

There's this thirst for more.

And then the shame we feel of being blamed internally,

Externally.

We've talked,

We've spoken about this,

How just that one of the worst human experiences that we can face is shame.

The sense of guilt,

Remorse,

You know,

How toxic it is to our own stability of mind.

Being honored or being popular.

I mean,

With social media,

You know,

Sometimes it's so.

.

.

Sometimes it's fun to see,

You know,

Of course,

Young people,

This part's not fun,

It's like so invested in getting,

You know,

How many people like their posts on Facebook or on Instagram,

Right?

This sense of like,

And people constantly putting themselves in the evaluative process of posting something and hoping it's liked.

You know,

Needing that thirst for approval,

For valuing by other people.

And then seeing,

This is the sort of fun part,

Is like seeing older people who aren't like on social media,

Just kind of not getting it,

Judging it,

And then going on Facebook themselves and seeing how painful it is to not get likes,

You know?

Like,

Put something on and like no one responds.

It's like the total isolation of it and the like,

You know,

The betrayal,

You know,

Like who are my friends?

It's just like,

It's horrible,

This visceral thing that we're living in,

You know?

And it's like,

Oh yeah,

And then we keep doing it.

That's the part where you're like,

It's unbelievable,

Keep doing it to ourselves,

Keep putting ourselves in that situation.

And you know,

Where are we practicing with that?

Where are we learning about this aspect of our heart?

Or where are we just,

Where do we start to behave in ways,

Of course,

That might be more,

Quote unquote,

Likable?

How much value does that have during our day?

How much effect does it have on our sense of peace of mind?

It's incredibly painful and incredibly addictive,

You know?

So this aspect of disenchantment that we're going through,

It's nothing you have to do,

It's nothing,

You don't have to,

It's not about like committing to living in barrenness or,

You know,

It's like we're not going to have any more pleasure,

We're not going to eat,

You know,

We're just going to eat gruel from now on,

You know?

It's like,

No,

You don't need to do that,

You know?

But if you watch closely enough,

The heart stops wanting to do that to itself,

Right?

It's like,

Ugh,

It puts down the hot coal.

You know,

There are all kinds of metaphors that the Buddha used of like just the,

How repulsive that can be to the heart after a while.

And so the heart puts it down,

The heart lays it down through understanding,

Right?

Not through discipline or force or thinking that we need to do things in a certain way.

It's like the mind just understands that it doesn't want to be in this war anymore.

It doesn't want to be doing this to itself anymore.

And that some of it just comes out of the truth of not knowing,

You know?

I'm not going to remember all of it,

But there's this kind of classic Taoist story about this man,

If I'm recalling it right,

You know,

It's like his son is born and everyone in the village is so happy for him.

And he's like,

We'll see.

And then at some point as a child there's an accident with a horse and he falls off and he loses his leg.

And the whole village is like,

Oh,

We're so sorry.

And the father is like,

We'll see.

And then war comes and all the young men are called off to war,

But not his son because he doesn't have a leg.

And they're like,

Oh,

You're so lucky.

He's like,

We'll see.

And it kind of just keeps going,

You know,

The sense of like our evaluation of the goodness,

The good fortune or bad fortune of any experience.

It's like you don't know.

You know,

You really moment by moment you see the conditions of the goodness or badness or the,

You know,

We all have experience where hard things in our life have led to something really beautiful or things that were good in our lives have not always ended up in a way that was satisfying to our earlier expectations.

You hear about people who like win the lottery,

You know,

A lot of times it's like hardship follows that.

So this understanding of this balance of mind,

This stability that comes through just going through this experience over and over.

We can't convince ourselves of it.

You can't talk yourself into equanimity.

But there is this deepening relationship of acceptance to whatever is happening and a non-investment in it,

Right?

Not being invested in things being one way or another in order to feel peace,

Which doesn't mean we don't care,

Right?

There's often this misunderstanding that if we're not worried about something,

Then we don't care about it,

Which is like,

As you can see in your practice,

Those things actually have nothing to do with one another.

In fact,

You see them as quite different and yet how hard it is for the mind to often tune into the caring without diving into the worrying or the wanting or the anxiety or the whatever,

All the other aspects of it.

Yes,

It's a very difficult process,

But you see them as entirely different experiences.

And that actually we're able to care more purely and more fully with that wisdom,

Without that investment,

Without that need for things to be one way or another.

And that need for things to be one way or another,

Again,

It's a prison on the world and it's a prison for ourselves.

It's a projection,

An overlay,

It's unfair to what we're trying to care about,

What we're trying to observe.

And of course it's unfair to our own hearts.

But we watch it.

We watch it,

You know,

Just like again,

We're watching the park,

We're watching the traffic go by,

We watch this humanity unfold.

But if we do it with that carefulness and of course this kindness,

You know,

The other piece,

It's like that barrenness,

That disenchantment,

It's so hard actually,

You know,

That even though it's so liberating ultimately,

There's a lot of time in there where we need that tenderness of heart,

We need that care,

We need that affection in order to feel that buoyancy,

In order to be able to go through the desert,

To be able to go through the barrenness,

The hardship.

It's why,

Like Michelle was saying earlier,

We have these four Brahma Viharas and how they purify one another.

It's not just equanimity,

Right?

We're not doing these other things just to get to equanimity,

But that the equanimity is possible because we've also purified the caring about things.

And how important that is,

Especially when we're in challenge and difficulties.

You know,

The Buddha often spoke about our experience of practice as a kind of war,

You know,

And that's not always how it feels,

Of course,

You know,

There's a peacefulness,

There's this gentleness,

But there are times where it feels like a war,

It feels like a battle,

And how important it is to find these places of care amidst that.

This is from Che Guevara.

He says,

The doctor performs a function of extraordinary importance in the gorilla band,

Not only saving lives,

In which many times his scientific intervention does not count because of limited resources available to him,

But also in the task of reinforcing a patient morally and making him feel that there is a person near him who is dedicated with all his force to minimizing his pains.

He gives the wounded or sick the security of knowing that a person will remain at his side until he is cured or past danger.

And there are just times in our practice where we have that sense of being a wounded warrior,

You know,

That we've gone into these intense experiences and we've been blown out and blasted,

You know,

Trying to be with these very difficult aspects of our mind.

And this sense of being a doctor to ourselves,

Right,

This medic,

Can we bring that sense of tenderness?

Of course,

Sometimes our tools aren't enough,

Our skills for being with things as they are aren't strong enough,

But most importantly actually,

It's that this reinforcement of our morale,

Right,

Of feeling that we are this to ourselves,

That we have this ability to keep by our own side through the pain,

Through the hardship until it passes,

Right,

That we are able to care for ourselves through these difficult times.

How fundamental it is to slowly be able to build that process in order to be with these more intense experiences,

Right,

To be able to go through over and over again some of these places where we get really beat up,

Really exhausted,

Really doubtful at times.

Carlo Carotto here says,

He repeats St.

Augustine's words,

Love and do as you will.

Don't worry about what you ought to do.

Worry about loving.

Don't interrogate heaven repeatedly and uselessly saying,

What course of action should I pursue?

Concentrate on loving instead.

And by loving you will find out what is for you.

Loving you will listen to the voice,

Loving you will find peace.

This is so important,

Right,

To understand these places of confusion and doubt and how sometimes we think that that's what's happening in our practice.

You know,

We've spoken about this a little bit.

Should I do this?

Should I do that?

This confusion about what we should do,

Where should we bring the energy?

What should I do now?

The sense of like uncertainty and that reminder of like,

It doesn't matter what you do.

It's like love,

You know,

Can we find that place of care for the hardship?

Focus on that.

It's like,

Do we recognize that doubt is happening?

Confusion is happening.

Can we care for it?

Can we soften the heart and mind?

Again,

It's sometimes we talk about it as the hidden object.

We think it's about,

Should I go back to the breath?

Should I try to be with this?

I don't know where to go because things are so hard.

It's like finding our way back to like,

Okay,

What's happening is disorientation,

Is confusion,

Can we bring kindness?

Can we find some entry point into tenderness?

Maybe it doesn't even have to be directed to ourselves.

Sometimes that ends up being a block,

Right,

Where we're,

Our own sense of worthiness gets complicated and we can't find that connection.

But can we just attune to hearing in a caring way?

Can we attune to body sensations in a caring way?

Seeing,

Smelling,

Hearing,

Tasting the mind in all its worry and anxiety.

Right,

Sometimes we have to trick ourselves into caring about ourselves.

It's fine,

It doesn't matter,

It's the same,

That same process of gentleness.

So just remembering,

You know,

As we move forward over this next period of our time together,

That we can keep sensitizing to these qualities of mind,

The motivations,

The places where,

You know,

Can we have some ease?

So much energy has to go in,

Especially in those first days,

So just trying to be,

Just trying to get the concentration going,

Just trying to get the mindfulness going,

You know,

It's like,

It's a lot of work that we do to be where you are now.

And to just remember that it doesn't mean that we,

That it suddenly becomes effortless.

We have to,

You know,

Often continue that sense of engagement,

Of keeping showing up for it,

Keeping showing up for it.

But can we also be very careful about where that's coming from?

Right,

In that sense of can we relate to it as if we're sitting at the park,

You know,

Or sitting at the stoop,

Or sitting in a coffee shop,

Or sitting wherever,

You know,

Might make sense to you as this place of easeful observation of what's happening.

Right,

The willingness to allow the mind to be distracted for a little while,

Not worry about it.

You know,

It's like the mind that just wanders without any restraint is,

Yeah,

It's going to be motivated by craving and aversion and ignorance.

But the mind that is intensely restrained,

That is often also motivated by craving,

Aversion,

Ignorance.

Right,

And it can,

Both of them can replicate that,

Right?

If we're too hard on the mind,

And we're too confining with it,

It can create an oppressive situation internally.

Right,

A tightness,

A fixedness,

And you see that it's coming from wanting something to happen,

Or not wanting something to happen.

Right,

Wanting the mind to behave.

It's not understanding that this,

It's like if you let the mind wander a little,

The mind will often relax.

And it's actually only a relaxed mind that can have insight,

That's able to get concentrated,

To be with what's happening,

With the fluidity and speed and intensity that it's actually happening.

So there's this sense of lightness,

Right,

Of like,

You know,

You're not trying to control everything.

We're trying to bring enough of a container to be able to observe.

We also want that flexibility,

Right,

We want to be able to watch nature unfold in our minds,

In our bodies.

Watch the world unfold in our minds and our bodies.

Bring as much care,

As much interest,

As much compassion to what we're seeing as possible.

Also as much disenchantment when we get that flavor,

Right?

When we see that the heart expects something out of it,

Wants something out of it,

Is longing for the satisfaction.

We don't slap our wrists,

We don't beat ourselves up for that,

But you see the pain of that wanting.

Right,

You see the pain of that thirst in the heart.

And that it's through that kind,

Caring,

But also honest relationship with that thirst that it actually comes to be quenched.

It comes to be still,

It comes to be peaceful.

And that's the freedom that this practice promises.

Let's sit for a minute.

Thank you for listening.

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