How To Know What You Really Want

To desire is to be dissatisfied, but whilst desire is around, it's wise to take a good look at it. This allows us to know what we truly want – pulling our thoughts, words and deeds into alignment with what brings us closer to unification of mind. And that's definitely a good thing.

Transcript

When we're wanting something,

We're not satisfied with things as they are.

This is mindfulness 101.

But simply knowing this intellectually doesn't stop us wanting things.

So whilst wanting is present,

And whilst we're practising to come out of wanting,

It's also wise to take a good look at it.

The question,

What do you really want,

Is one that shows up in a large percentage of self-help material,

And even some spiritual practices.

The assumption is that if we can figure out what we want and then align ourselves with it,

We'll be okay.

And that we'll be especially okay once we get what we want.

This is rarely true.

Even if we could have utter conviction about what our deepest,

Deepest desire is,

Our life's purpose,

If you like,

And if we could structure our lives perfectly around that desire,

We'd still be desiring.

We'd still be saying,

I need to change things in order to be satisfied.

And we all know that once we get what we want,

It's never long before we want something else.

It can be said with confidence that what we all really want is to be satisfied.

Pretty simple,

Huh?

Well,

Yes,

Although we may feel differently if we're early in our practice for the reason that almost every one of us,

Including our parents,

Our grandparents,

Our great-grandparents,

All the way up the family tree,

Almost every one of us has been lied to about how happiness works,

Because almost no one in the West ever knew.

We've been told that if we arrange our circumstances just right,

If we get this thing and that,

And we push away that thing and this,

And we have this experience and that experience and we avoid others,

Then we'll be happy.

This puts us in perpetual anxiety and encourages us to attempt to influence a whole bunch of stuff that we have absolutely zero control over.

If you're anything like me,

You've tried that.

How did it go?

One of the most valuable one-liners my teacher,

Damarato,

Shares is this.

Happiness is a skill to be developed.

I wasn't quite sure I believed him on that at first,

Or second,

Or third.

But as he kept reminding me,

And as he kept sharing the practical means for developing the skill of happiness,

I got down to experimenting on myself,

And I found that indeed I could learn how to be happy right now,

Regardless of circumstances.

The simple means for beginning to cultivate this skill are as follows.

One,

Enjoy the sensations of the breath.

Two,

When you catch the mind wandering,

Celebrate.

This is successful mindfulness practice.

Three,

Repeat.

To catch the mind even once is a great success.

And by returning our attention to the enjoyment of the breath,

We win another victory.

We choose what we think about.

Still,

There's likely to be some wanting around for a while,

And it's wise to take a look at it.

I remember for the longest time that I was attempting to answer this question,

What do I want,

As if it were an essay question.

Well,

This would be a good thing to want,

So I should do X,

Y and Z,

And that will allow me to A,

B and C,

And then I can get around to W,

Which I really want.

I was chasing my tail.

The answer to the question changed far more often than it stayed the same.

I became terribly confused,

Until I considered a different way to answer the question.

What if,

Instead of answering the question abstractly,

I used evidence instead?

I had plenty of it.

I started to just look at how I'd been behaving over the past day,

Week,

Month,

Year.

And sure enough,

That told me more than a little about what I wanted.

See,

We're all incredibly vulnerable to the trap of wanting to want.

We're told that wanting this thing is good,

But wanting that thing is bad.

So we start to score our wants,

Often based on how much money they bring in.

But being satisfied has nothing to do with these arbitrary societal values,

And it's certainly nothing to do with money.

In order to untangle this huge knot we've tied ourselves in,

We need to understand something very important.

We are carrying out the sum total of all our wants,

Right now,

And in every moment.

If you have the experience that you have more than one voice in your head,

You're in good company.

If you're trying to figure out which one of these voices is the right one,

You're in good company.

None of them are right.

Neither are any of them wrong.

They're just opinions.

There's no single right answer to how to live your life.

This can be scary at first,

But it's really very liberating.

Now,

Don't take this as permission to go shoot up a bank.

People who do that only do it because they're desperate.

No one wants to be desperate.

And if these people knew that there were an alternative for dealing with their desperation,

They'd choose that.

Much less hassle.

Anyway,

Good news.

We don't have to figure out which of the voices in our head is the right one.

All we have to do is watch ourselves without judgement.

As we watch,

We learn what we want by virtue of what we choose to do.

As I did this,

I found out that what I was interested in was,

Well,

This.

Finding out what's true is what's most important to me.

It's not what society wants me to find important.

It's not even what I wanted me to find important.

But as I continued to practice,

I relaxed into it and eventually accepted it.

Things are much easier now.

So please,

Use the practice of mindfulness to discover the means of being satisfied right now,

Regardless of circumstance.

Please look at yourself and your behaviour honestly,

Without judgement.

Please accept what you find and relax into it.

Please have compassion for those around you,

Knowing that they're dealing with the same bizarre predicament.

The predicament of being human.

Reviews

A great insight and thought provoking. Thank you.

Brilliant, thank you

Finally! Someone who thinks like me and can give some direction! Truth is the ultimate. Because it’s real. Thank You for this insight ❤️

Thank you

Thank you.

Completely wonderful. And so helpful - to watch and listen instead of asking myself the perpetual question of what I want…thank you 🙏

Excellent

I needed to hear that. Thank you for the insights.

Wise words

Love this!!! I needed to listen to this today. Thankyou 🙏🏻

Thx. Very insightful

amazing

I’m stuck in the loop. Thanks for guiding me out of it. I’ve bookmarked this talk, I’ll need to refresh my path a few times. Greatly appreciate your advice 💗💗

Excellent. I am always searching and never excepting. You explanation was excellent. Thank you so much.

Very insightful. Thank you

This was delightful and exactly what I needed to hear to get out of thought loop. Thank you so much!

very inspiring, as usual!

Love this! You’ve expanded the way I look at this, I’ve been caught in the constant cycle of “what do I want”. I now feel like I have a different perspective that will help bring me out of this seemingly never ending cycle.

Thank you!

Thank you for kind and liberating words.