How To Co-Exist Happily In Isolation

Living with others is easy once we learn to be satisfied with things as they are. Let’s free ourselves of the need for things to be this way or that and instead give one another reasons to smile. It’s better for you this way!

Reviews

Thank you. I am chafing mightily today. This is helping me reset.

Excellent reminders and advice as well.

I suspect my question here would be answered mostly by an increased practice of the type you describe, but perhaps if you have a moment, I would like your thoughts on how to manage a situation like mine. There are four people in our home. Two of us, my husband and I, are considered essential personnel in our work, so despite the shelter in place orders, we must still go to work as usual, meaning we are not at home. Our child has just returned from the first year living independently at college (university) and has been trying to develop/establish a sense of personal identity and preferences. The last person is one of my husband's family who has lived with us for years and who has some philosophies and beliefs that make it challenging for us all to get along, but we've managed over the last few years to make it through. (Co-workers admire my equanimity and say they could never do it, but my practice does keep me firmly grounded and centered, if not always calm/peaceful.)

So there is a house here where due to the re-introduction of a youth who is figuring things out and those things come into conflict with the other homebody often, and my spouse and I who are not there to integrate ourselves into this new way of living, and most days lately walk into changes of behavior, expectations, and tension/drama that we cannot do anything about - it's between the other two but we come home to unwind and step right into it.

We have made our clear expectations plain to all in the home, and my husband and I often go walking for an hour or so after work to talk and bond and decompress, which helps us quite a bit. But how does one manage our own expectations of what we want (in my case, some peace and quiet after work in a very stressful mental health field also involving civilian employees with disabilities working with the military in high stress, high risk environments), when the expectations - simple as they may be - like doing the dishes or sweeping the floor by those staying in the house most of the day while we're at work - are not being met due to changes going on in the home when we are not around?

Plus the more minor things such as items being moved without notice so then I can't find them when I go to make some food, things like this? We both leave chaotic environments at work and return home to find much the same, as if we are strangers in our own home.

I do take time in my car before leaving work to briefly meditate. I listen to audiobooks or soothing music on the 35-40 minute commute. If I can, I pause again once home and do a brief practice to restore my inner peace. My own physical disabilities often make it difficult to get as relaxed and free of pain (though I am by and large free of suffering from that pain), and the constant pool of extraverted chaos and tension is just so jarring on my exceptionally introverted soul. I need larger periods of time for my equalibrium than the few minutes I get here or there, but those few minutes do help keep me going and relatively calm.

(My husband is also an extravert and does not meditate, but after nearly 23 years of marriage through both our military services, deployments, multiple moves, our own disability issues, etc, he recognizes and respects my need for quiet and solitude in large chunks, just as I do the same for his need for human interaction. We've worked that out for the most part.☺️)

I realize this is sounding like a letter to an advice column. Wasn't my intent, though I suppose it is the product of my frustration rather than anything else. This talk you provided us great, it really is. It does seem like it is intended for homes where all are required to stay in place, nobody leaving except as may be permitted by local/government regulations for groceries, medical, and the like. I have yet to see any practice or talk addressing the mixed household - one where some still must work and risk exposure, others in the home are thus also at risk despite staying in place as directed, and the added complications of routines being changed in a natural way but outside the presence of those who are working, so there is rarely any true long-lasting understanding or agreement to be had by anyone residing there. Group Dynamics naturally shift and change, but it's so much more cohesive when all group members are involved, which is not the case in my home. I'm sure we're not the only ones in this situation. (The youthful identity seeking/development addition to this mix may be a bit more unique to our situation, however, but it certainly spices things up a lot.)

Anyway, I very much liked this talk. I have tried to follow this guidance for years and sometimes forget the reasons why. I wonder where the personal boundary is between my acceptance of others and the way things are and not allowing my own needs and preferences to be tramples. Active versus passive. This talk rekindled my thinking on this subject, which was probably ling overdue and very timely for me right now, regardless.

If you do have any thoughts on how to keep adjusting to change at home when there are tensions and conflicts, some who work and others who don't, the concern about bringing work home in a not so nice viral way despite all precautions, and the lack of respite we face when returning home - I would love to hear it. Thank you for sharing this talk with us. I hope my lengthy and probably over-wordy response here made sense.

I see you and the light within you. Be well, Silas. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻