How To Co-Exist Happily In Isolation

Living with others is easy once we learn to be satisfied with things as they are. Let’s free ourselves of the need for things to be this way or that and instead give one another reasons to smile. It’s better for you this way!

Transcript

The best way for us to be happy living with one another in this time of isolation is to let go of the way that we each want things to be.

We all have our preferences and there's no problem with that.

But when we cling to those preferences and when we decide that we're not going to be satisfied unless things go that way,

That's when we can experience friction in ourselves and with reality,

But certainly with others whom we're sharing our space with.

Because it's very unlikely that we're going to all want things to be the same way,

A simple example being something which causes lots of arguments in family homes.

What's going to be on TV?

We each want to be amused and occupied,

Especially in a time like this,

Especially in times where we have lots of time on our hands.

Boredom can set in and we want to feel good and we want to not feel bad.

Boredom isn't a pleasant feeling.

Restlessness is not a pleasant feeling.

And there's good news tonight.

We can work with those feelings directly.

Any of you who have been checking out all of these videos that I've been putting out recently might begin to notice a theme here.

And that theme is that what's going on outside of us just doesn't matter.

When we turn our focus around and look inward into what's going on in the mind,

What's going on with the feelings,

There are ways that we can hack the process so that getting along with others is no longer a problem.

Getting along with ourselves is no longer a problem.

Being in isolation is no longer a problem.

The more we learn to be satisfied in ourselves,

Regardless of our external circumstances,

The less it matters what other people want to do.

So that at the point that we can sit happily with whatever's on the telly,

Well,

Then we're going to find that we can just let other people do what they want to do.

That's going to lead to their happiness,

And their happiness is going to make things much,

Much easier for us.

The best thing that we can do for one another in this time when we're going to all be in close proximity for extended periods of time is allow one another to be however we each want to be.

If someone's doing something you don't like,

Well,

One thing that you can do is just go into another room.

And using some of the practices that I've been speaking about in previous videos,

For example,

Learning to really enjoy a cup of coffee means that if there's something on the TV that's really pissing you off,

Just go into the kitchen,

Make your cup of coffee and sit at the table and enjoy that cup of coffee.

Look out the window,

Do some simple sitting practice with the mindfulness instructions that I've shared.

One,

Enjoy the sensations of the breath.

Two,

When you catch the mind wandering,

Congratulate yourself.

This is successful practice.

And then bring your attention back to the enjoyable sensations of the breath.

The more practice you do,

The easier it gets to enjoy something even as simple as the breath,

Which is something that we would typically describe as pretty boring.

I mean,

We live in an age of video games and action movies and lots of highly stimulating products,

Which are designed to keep us amused at all times.

By comparison,

The breath doesn't have the same kind of bombast.

It doesn't have that same kind of excitement factor.

But if we can learn to enjoy it,

Well,

What are we going to need from anyone else?

We're not going to need anyone else to behave in a certain way.

We're not going to need anyone else to compromise with us.

And in this way,

You will quite quickly find that you're everyone's favorite because someone who isn't doing this kind of practice or thinking in this kind of way is indeed still going to be doing what we've always done,

Which is trying to arrange external circumstances in such a way as to bring about the good feelings.

Well,

We're hacking that process.

We're learning to generate those good feelings regardless of what's going on outside.

And in that way,

We cease to ask others to compromise to us.

We're much more able to compromise with them and do things that are going to make them happy.

And what this does is it's going to bring your whole household onto an upward spiral of good emotion.

And believe me,

In a short space of time,

Things are going to get very,

Very pleasant for all of you at home.

Now,

Even if there's tension between perhaps two other members of your family,

Your presence when you bust into the room with a big smile on your face is very,

Very quickly going to change that situation from one of difficult emotions to lightheartedness.

It may not always play out that simply,

But as long as you're taking care of your own emotions,

As long as you're learning more and more to generate those good feelings in yourself,

The more benefit you're going to be to those who you're living with.

Reviews

Thank you. I am chafing mightily today. This is helping me reset.

Excellent reminders and advice as well.

I suspect my question here would be answered mostly by an increased practice of the type you describe, but perhaps if you have a moment, I would like your thoughts on how to manage a situation like mine. There are four people in our home. Two of us, my husband and I, are considered essential personnel in our work, so despite the shelter in place orders, we must still go to work as usual, meaning we are not at home. Our child has just returned from the first year living independently at college (university) and has been trying to develop/establish a sense of personal identity and preferences. The last person is one of my husband's family who has lived with us for years and who has some philosophies and beliefs that make it challenging for us all to get along, but we've managed over the last few years to make it through. (Co-workers admire my equanimity and say they could never do it, but my practice does keep me firmly grounded and centered, if not always calm/peaceful.)

So there is a house here where due to the re-introduction of a youth who is figuring things out and those things come into conflict with the other homebody often, and my spouse and I who are not there to integrate ourselves into this new way of living, and most days lately walk into changes of behavior, expectations, and tension/drama that we cannot do anything about - it's between the other two but we come home to unwind and step right into it.

We have made our clear expectations plain to all in the home, and my husband and I often go walking for an hour or so after work to talk and bond and decompress, which helps us quite a bit. But how does one manage our own expectations of what we want (in my case, some peace and quiet after work in a very stressful mental health field also involving civilian employees with disabilities working with the military in high stress, high risk environments), when the expectations - simple as they may be - like doing the dishes or sweeping the floor by those staying in the house most of the day while we're at work - are not being met due to changes going on in the home when we are not around?

Plus the more minor things such as items being moved without notice so then I can't find them when I go to make some food, things like this? We both leave chaotic environments at work and return home to find much the same, as if we are strangers in our own home.

I do take time in my car before leaving work to briefly meditate. I listen to audiobooks or soothing music on the 35-40 minute commute. If I can, I pause again once home and do a brief practice to restore my inner peace. My own physical disabilities often make it difficult to get as relaxed and free of pain (though I am by and large free of suffering from that pain), and the constant pool of extraverted chaos and tension is just so jarring on my exceptionally introverted soul. I need larger periods of time for my equalibrium than the few minutes I get here or there, but those few minutes do help keep me going and relatively calm.

(My husband is also an extravert and does not meditate, but after nearly 23 years of marriage through both our military services, deployments, multiple moves, our own disability issues, etc, he recognizes and respects my need for quiet and solitude in large chunks, just as I do the same for his need for human interaction. We've worked that out for the most part.☺️)

I realize this is sounding like a letter to an advice column. Wasn't my intent, though I suppose it is the product of my frustration rather than anything else. This talk you provided us great, it really is. It does seem like it is intended for homes where all are required to stay in place, nobody leaving except as may be permitted by local/government regulations for groceries, medical, and the like. I have yet to see any practice or talk addressing the mixed household - one where some still must work and risk exposure, others in the home are thus also at risk despite staying in place as directed, and the added complications of routines being changed in a natural way but outside the presence of those who are working, so there is rarely any true long-lasting understanding or agreement to be had by anyone residing there. Group Dynamics naturally shift and change, but it's so much more cohesive when all group members are involved, which is not the case in my home. I'm sure we're not the only ones in this situation. (The youthful identity seeking/development addition to this mix may be a bit more unique to our situation, however, but it certainly spices things up a lot.)

Anyway, I very much liked this talk. I have tried to follow this guidance for years and sometimes forget the reasons why. I wonder where the personal boundary is between my acceptance of others and the way things are and not allowing my own needs and preferences to be tramples. Active versus passive. This talk rekindled my thinking on this subject, which was probably ling overdue and very timely for me right now, regardless.

If you do have any thoughts on how to keep adjusting to change at home when there are tensions and conflicts, some who work and others who don't, the concern about bringing work home in a not so nice viral way despite all precautions, and the lack of respite we face when returning home - I would love to hear it. Thank you for sharing this talk with us. I hope my lengthy and probably over-wordy response here made sense.

I see you and the light within you. Be well, Silas. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻