Holiday Emotions Series 2- Hidden Expectations That Drain Us

Holiday Emotions Series Episode 2 out of 3. So many holiday emotions come from expectations we didn’t even choose. In this episode, we explore where these “shoulds” come from — childhood patterns, social pressure, old traditions, comparison, and unspoken family roles — and how they quietly shape our experience of the season.

You’ll hear a powerful metaphor about the “emotional backpack” and learn how the Expectation Gap magnifies everything we’re already carrying. If you’re craving a more grounded, intentional, honest holiday season, this episode will help you start creating it.

This is the #2 recording out of 3.

Transcript

Hey this is Dana Mitchell and thanks for joining me.

This is part two of our little holiday emotion series.

We were just unpacking the stuff that nobody likes to talk about when it comes to the holidays and in our last chat we were talking about why holidays can stir up emotions a little earlier than usual because guess what all of the marketing has started much much sooner than it used to.

So today we're going a little bit deeper because a lot of what drains us this time of year isn't the holidays itself it's the hidden expectations that we've been carrying around maybe for years.

So here's a question for you when did you decide what the holidays are supposed to look like?

Now that question may surprise you so I'm going to ask it again.

When did you decide what the holidays are supposed to look like?

How old were you?

Who influenced those holiday memories?

Most of us don't even remember those details and it may be because it's something that we didn't decide but rather we inherited these ideas from childhood or from commercials or holiday movies that we watched when we were younger or maybe we picked them up from friends or siblings or co-workers and social media is now a big culprit in giving us the ideas of what things are supposed to be like and suddenly without even realizing it we're carrying around a whole checklist of holiday shoulds.

Things like we should host,

We should be joyful,

We should decorate like we're auditioning for the Hallmark Channel,

We should buy thoughtful gifts,

We should make handmade gifts,

We should show up to everything,

We should be grateful every second of every day from now till the end of the year.

But here's the kicker most of these are expectations that aren't even ours.

They're more like a patchwork quilt of what we grew up with,

What we wish we had,

What we've been told is normal and social media like puts the cherry on top trying to make it look easy and every year we quietly try to live up to all of this and now it seems like that start timer has begun way earlier than it was last year.

For a lot of people especially those of us who tend to be doers and planners,

Managers,

Memory makers,

This time of year comes with like an invisible job title.

Chief Holiday Magic Officer.

It's exhausting and you might not feel quite sad during the holidays but you could feel drained or scattered or irritated or stretched thin or quietly being overwhelmed.

And why is that?

Because you're trying to recreate something that may not have been real in the first place or maybe you're trying to avoid recreating something that you did live through.

Something painful or stressful or disappointing and you're determined to do it differently for the people that you love.

Now it's wild how many people I talk to and they say I'm trying to break the cycle.

I'm trying to give my family something better than I had and yet their parents were likely trying to do the same thing.

We're all just trying to do the best we can with the awareness that we have but pressure to make it magical has really taken an emotional toll.

There's something that psychologists call the expectation gap.

It's an emotional space between how something really is and how we think it should be.

And in that gap is where disappointment,

Resentment,

Shame,

And comparison may live.

And the holidays,

Well that widens that gap as much as possible because everything feels amplified.

For example,

If your schedule is already stretched thin,

Then the season magnifies it.

If you're in a season of transition,

A new job,

In denesting,

Shifting roles,

Changes in relationship status,

The season magnifies it.

If you're carrying around emotional fatigue the whole entire year and we get to this time of year,

The season can magnify that.

If you're doing most of that,

What I'm going to call invisible holiday labor,

Meal planning,

Gifts,

Schedules,

Hosting,

Managing everybody's feelings,

Then the season again will magnify it.

Or if you're simply just tired mentally,

Emotionally,

And physically,

Then guess what?

The season will magnify that too.

So I want to give you a metaphor to kind of bring this to life.

I love a metaphor.

So imagine that every expectation,

Big and small,

Is stored like a tiny little stone dropped into a backpack.

One stone for the perfect tree.

One stone for hosting flawlessly.

One stone for not gaining weight.

You get a stone for the right outfits.

You get a stone for decorating like Pinterest.

You get a stone for family harmony.

Everybody's getting along.

And another stone for the great gifts that you just planned in your head and you executed to perfection.

And then a stone for being everywhere and doing everything.

And on one day,

Your backpack feels fine,

A little heavy,

But manageable.

But December is long,

And by the time the end of the season has arrived,

You are carrying a big full backpack of other people's expectations,

Plus all those stones that you've placed on yourself.

So no wonder you're tired.

The weight didn't show up all at once.

It accumulated one little tiny expectation at a time.

But here's a little shift I want to offer you today.

You get to choose what your season looks like.

Not the version you inherited,

Or the version you're supposed to deliver with perfection,

Or the Instagram worthy performance that you're going to take pictures of,

But your version that works for you and for your family.

Before the season picks up its speed,

Here's some questions for you to ask yourself.

What matters most to me this year?

What actually brings me joy or peace?

What can I let be simpler and easier?

What expectations no longer fit?

Maybe your version is slow and quiet,

Or simple,

Or less busy,

Or less decorated,

Or less full.

And maybe it's just different,

Because you're different.

And that's okay,

And that's allowed.

You're allowed to create a holiday season that supports you and your nervous system,

Not one that drains you.

Thank you for being here with me today,

And if you haven't listened to the first episode where I'm talking about holiday emotions,

Go back and listen to that as well.

And then our next one,

Our next episode,

Is going to be 10 ways to protect your peace during the holidays.

It's going to be good.

I have lots of ideas for you to help set up emotionally before the holiday kicks in.

And it's going to be grounding,

And doable,

And easy,

And small little steps.

So thanks again,

And I hope you have a really great rest of your week.