It's Me, Not You. Is It Really?

“It’s me, not you”. We have all likely heard this phrase before. Either someone said it to us, we said it to someone or we heard someone say it to someone else. This small phrase contains more truth than you might know.

Is this feeling that I am having, is it because of me or is it because of you?
In this podcast, we are going to answer this question. Is it really me or are we just saying this, because it’s really you?

Transcript

Hey,

This is Lou with IONIS Whole Person Leadership Development and Coaching.

And thank you for joining me for this episode of the Leader Manager podcast.

It's me,

Not you.

We've all likely heard this phrase before.

Either someone said it to us,

Or we said it to someone,

Or we heard someone say it to someone else.

This small phrase contains more truth than you might actually know.

Is this feeling that I'm having because of me,

Or is it because of you?

In this podcast,

We're going to answer this question,

Is it really me,

Or are we just saying this because it's actually really you?

That's the problem.

Alright,

Let's jump in.

Our reactions to people are actually all on us.

This is the concept we're going to start with first.

You don't need to fully buy into this concept just yet.

Just come along as I talk through this.

That our reactions to people are all on us.

Let's start with bringing someone to mind that you don't like,

Or someone who frustrates you,

Someone who makes you unhappy.

They likely bring this out in you because of the things they say or do,

Or maybe things they don't say or don't do.

Either way,

Bring this person to mind.

Okay,

Do you have this person in your mind?

Cool.

Create that mental picture of them,

And even conjure up the emotion they make you feel.

This feeling that you feel inside is your reaction to them.

It's unique to you.

How you react to them is going to be different than how others react to them.

There might be a collection of people who share the similar reactions as you do.

You could all agree that this person is really annoying.

But even then,

The intensity of their reaction compared to yours is going to be a little different.

Everyone's reaction is unique to them.

And there will also be people who have the opposite feelings.

There are going to be people in the world who actually love this person.

For example,

Their mother,

Father,

Partner,

Family members,

Friends,

Etc.

So if this person isn't the source of upset for everyone in the world,

Then what's actually going on here?

There are two possible things going on.

Either it's me or it's them.

Them meaning that they truly have something against you.

They don't like you and they treat you differently.

If this is the case,

If it's them who has the problem with you,

Then move on.

It's all them.

It's their problem.

Their reaction to you is on them.

They're the ones with the problem with you.

It's internal to them.

They need to do the work to understand why they don't like you.

And they can resolve it on their own.

But what if you can't move on?

And it's not them,

It's you.

You need to look internally and understand why do they upset me so deeply?

When things bother you to a point that it becomes emotionally charged,

It is a signal that it has triggered something deeper inside you.

So what's going on?

Let's imagine this.

If we were to unintentionally cut our hand deeply,

We can see it.

Others can see it.

We understand what we need to do.

We apply pressure to stop the bleeding.

We go to the doctors to receive stitches and potentially medicine.

We monitor the healing.

We return to the doctors for them to check it and then the doctors remove the stitches.

Afterwards we continue to monitor it and some of us might continue to apply ointment to minimize the scarring.

This is typically what happens when we cut ourselves.

But what if we had cut our hand deeply and then decided to ignore it?

We might wrap it up in something because the blood might start getting everywhere.

Someone might see the bandage and ask,

What happened?

And we might not want to tell them.

I don't know,

Maybe we're embarrassed.

Maybe we are fearing judgment so we don't want to tell them.

We might even hide it.

We put on a long sleeve shirt so nobody can see the cut.

Even though it might be painful,

We will do everything we can to minimize the pain.

And as it's hurting,

We will do everything we can to minimize the pain.

We might hold it off to the side to help ensure that we don't put pressure on it.

In the meantime,

It might be a big enough wound that it's not able to heal on its own.

It might continue to be open and get infected.

And as we move around,

What if we bump into something?

It'd hurt.

And what if somebody else bumps into it?

It'll also hurt.

We will do everything we can to avoid anyone or anything from touching it.

The energy of constantly trying to protect this wound will become exhausting.

If someone does touch it,

We will not be happy.

We might even be mad at them for touching it.

It's their fault that they bumped into our hand and caused us increased pain.

Let me repeat that again.

It's their fault that they bumped into it and caused us increased pain.

Why is it their fault?

Did they know that under our long sleeve shirt,

We had a wound?

Did they go out of their way to hit it?

Were they seeking to cause us pain?

What if we had properly tended to our wound?

If we had healed properly,

Then we would not have to put in all that energy to protect it.

If it was healed and then someone touched our hand,

Then it would not have hurt.

We typically would not do this for an external wound.

But we do just what I described with our internal wounds.

We hide these wounds.

We try to protect these wounds from getting hurt.

We spend a lot of energy deflecting and avoiding situations in people to help ensure we don't feel pain.

Getting emotionally cut and not healing the wound is how most of us move through life.

Why?

Because many of us don't know how to heal ourselves inside.

When it's external,

We see it.

We can take physical action.

It's socially acceptable to get help from someone like a doctor.

We can easily see how it is progressing and healing.

Once it's all healed,

It no longer hurts.

If it's a significant enough wound,

We will see its scar and know where it came from.

But it will no longer hurt to touch.

As we grew up,

A lot of us didn't receive education or training on how to resolve and heal emotionally.

As adults,

We have hundreds,

If not millions of open wounds inside us.

We move through life trying to avoid our wounds from getting touched.

We sometimes arrange our life to avoid situations and or relationships so that our wounds don't get touched.

And if a wound does get touched,

It hurts.

When we feel this pain,

We often direct our reaction to the person who touched it.

We see it as their fault for causing us pain.

But is it really their fault?

If we had healed our wounds and that same person touched it,

We would not feel the same pain.

In this same way,

It's me,

Not you.

It's my reaction to my wounds getting touched.

The other person might have touched it,

But if the wound was healed,

Then I would feel no pain.

And if that person was intentionally trying to hurt me and I had no open wound there,

Then I'd be able to move on and just let go.

So,

We all have wounds inside of us.

Now what?

We need to do the work to heal them.

There are many different ways to do this that are dependent on our own personal approach to life.

Here's a three-prong approach that works for many of our clients.

The first,

Awareness.

Gaining awareness of what's happening inside you is step one.

If you don't understand or see what's going on inside,

Then there will be no motivation to improve.

Awareness helps provide clarity and focus around what's happening inside you.

It helps you to envision the potential for a better place,

Greater happiness in life.

Sitting pause and reflecting and looking inside to see what actually is going on is awareness.

Part two is create a support system.

Surrounding yourself with a support system will enable you the greatest success.

This is no different than the support system you have inherently created for external wounds.

You have bandages,

Ointment,

Books,

Internet,

Family,

Friends,

And doctors to help you heal.

No different here.

Your support system can be a coach,

A counselor,

A therapist,

And someone close to you that you love and trust.

And three,

Tools.

It's important that you find the right tools that aid you in the healing process.

One tool might work for one person and not for another.

Some tools are journaling and mindfulness activities,

Specifically contemplative meditation and even painting and music and the other arts.

Examples of these tools are detailed on a free download by going to ioniswpc.

Com forward slash mindful.

That's I O N I S W P C dot com forward slash mindful.

It's possible to move through life with less emotional charge to situations.

All it takes is understanding that your reaction is to the wounds that were touched inside you.

It is really you and not them.

Focus on healing the wound rather than the person who touched your wound.

I hope this helps in maneuvering the complicated world of relationships.

Drop me a note.

Coach at ioniswpc.

Com and let me know what your thoughts are.

Let me know how I can help you.

Reviews

Excellent! Thank you 🙏